- RSS FeedSubscribe
- « Previous PostEnjoy Messiah this Christmas
- Next Post »Meet the Ministries: Eternal Perspective
A La Carte (11/10)
- 11/10/10
- 9
Let me give you a really quick book update. The Next Story is just about complete; the publisher has accepted the bulk of the text, leaving me with just a few short application sections to complete, along with a conclusion. I am hoping to have all that done by this week or next. So we’re still on track for an April release.
Keep Your Greek - Here’s a great idea for a book. The title pretty much says it all—Keep Your Greek. “Pastors will find Keep Your Greek an encouraging and practical guide to strengthening their Greek abilities so that they can make linguistic insights a regular part of their study and teaching. Current students will learn how to build skills that will serve them well once they complete their formal language instruction.”
Christmas Music of 2010 - CT has a roundup of this year’s new Christmas albums, including ones by Phil Wickam, Phil Keaggy, Future of Forestry, and others.
Being Transparent - From Counseling Solutions: “Should my wife and I be transparent with each other?” I suppose it’s really more of a question of “How transparent should you be with one another?”
15 Ways of Winterizing Your Home - Art of Manliness gives 15 things you can do to winterize your home. Some of us need this kind of help. (HT:TW)
Eager, Expectant and Early - Josh Harris on how we ought to approach gathering for church:
What would you not give to have the word “sex” set free from every trace of fear, guilt, shame and impurity? —John Blanchard
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
Releasing on April 1, The Next
Published in 2008, this book
This is a guide that calls men,
This review of the bestselling
New to the site? You can get
This is a guide written
Comments (9)
I read the “Should we be transparent” link.
I have been in counseling and have friends who have been in Christian counselors offices where they encourage total honesty. The writer of the article says that teh “one flesh” model means that we are totally transparent. But there are some things in the past that shoudl remain in the past — sins transgressions etc. that can only hurt, not heal.
Thanks for the link. Ala carte is always welcomed!www.RedLetterBelievers.com, “Salt and Light”
Yeah, the worst premarital advice we give is “You can tell your spouse anything.”
Actually, we end up treating that “anything” as “everything,” and it ALWAYS backfires at some point. I don’t know how many Christian men have asked me, that knowing look on their faces, “You actually fell for that?”
Yes, I did. Much wiser now.
Wow, I really liked that video of Josh Harris, that really is something that needs to be dealt likewise at most churches.
I’m having a hard time with the comments from Christian counselors that endorse the notion of “protectionism” (don’t tell in order to protect spouse/self) which smacks a little too much of endorsing pride. I’d be curious to have some scripture to back up the notion that it’s ok to pretend that you’re something or someone better than you are, that God isn’t big enough to deal with a “backfire,” that half truth or partial truth trumps God’s notion of truth, that keeping sin in the dark - even past sin - is preferrable to exposing it to the light, etc, etc. Yes, sin hurts people. It’s called a consequence. Yes, exposing sin can cause huge messes. But God is bigger than all of that, and it’s in our messes, when we are totally humbled and admit who we really are, that we are able to be transformed by the gospel of Jesus Christ. Our unwillingness to be transparent about who we really are, about our desperate need of a savior, and about what God has done in our lives is nothing short of pride. It’s not about us, it’s all about Him. It’s not about protecting ourselves or our spouses, it’s all about Him. It’s not about sparing pain or embarassment, it’s all about Him. We rob Him of His glory in our lives when we make it about us. I wish Christian counselors would stop relying on on their “experience” and human observations and their own perceived wisdom and just stick to the inerrant word of God.
Lisa,
Your concern seems to be related heavily in the direction of raw authenticity. I don’t personally see raw authenticity (emphasis on the “raw”) as a biblical virtue. There is a greater philosophical issue here of how does one determine who they “really” are, but we don’t need to go there. The reality is God alone knows who we “really” are even better than we know ourselves! The issue here isn’t pretending to be someone you’re not (that’s two-faced and hypocritical), but rather how much much of your sin do others need to know.
We must also realize that sin is exclusively committed against God. Some of our sin is directed toward others, but God’s standard is the only standard being broken (Psalm 51:1-4). Since that is the case we must indeed confess all our sin to God. But unless our sin has been witnessed or felt by others, we are not necessarily bound to confess our sins to them (for example, I don’t confess my sins toward my wife to my boss). If you think a disparaging thought about someone walking by, do you stop and confess that to them? If you have a moment of pride, who do you confess that do? These kinds of sins are private sins that must indeed be confessed to God, but not to others.
We can indeed confess general struggles of sin (lust, pride, etc.) with others in an effort to gain counsel and accountability, but it is unnecessary to confess each instance of sin to another person who is unaffected by it.
What would be wrong, and where your concern would be valid, is if one were to lie about their sin and struggles. That would be indeed be pretending that you’re something you’re not. But wearing your sin on your sleeve is not a biblical concept.
There are times when past sin should be confessed to someone because it can affect them in the future (e.g. telling a spouse of serious crimes in the past, previous mates/children, etc). We can also share some past sins in public for the purpose of bringing glory to God for His transformation in our lives. But much wisdom and humility needs to be part of that.
Here is a good word from David Powlison on how much a husband should tell his wife about his lust problem:
http://ccef.org/how-specific-should-husband-be-confessing-lust-his-wife
Thanks for the reminder… I’ve been meaning to download the Phil Wickham’s Christmas CD.
Gabriel,The article about transparency was about growing in oneness with our spouses by virtue of a willingness to grow in transparency and honesty with them. It was not about wearing our sins on our sleeves or confessing every errant thought to bosses or strangers. Let’s keep things in context. I agree with the article that this concept is in keeping with following Christ. The comments that I took issue with were from people who appeared not to agree but instead endorsed the notion that we should avoid honesty, one citing that it “ALWAYS” backfires. And no, we don’t need to philosophize over who we really are - the Bible clearly tells us that. We are wretched, miserable sinners who fall short of the glory of God, and there is nothing good within us that we can cling to in hopes of saving ourselves. The reason we need to be transparent with one another is not so much for their benefit - it is for ours. We want to think that there is something inherently good within us, that we are better than we are. Being transparent is about being honest about what is on the inside in such a way that would allow another to see it. Confessing only to general sins or struggles (ie: lust, pride) and only to the people that we decide are affected is dangerous advice, as it minimizes the power and scope of sin and it’s effects. How do we know who is affected by our sins? Who decides? We are called to mortify sin, not categorize it or play around with it by deciding who needs to know, how much they need to know and if they need to know. In a marital relationship, an unwillingness to be totally transparent with your spouse is a possible indicator that your “past” sin may indeed not be past at all, as you may not be fully repentent of it. We can easily delude ourselves into thinking that we are protecting another person from harm when in fact we are protecting ourselves and exercising pride. We need to be very careful that we do not play around with this concept of what it means to be mortifying sin. I know of people who believed they had confessed their sins to God and confessed the general sin of lust to their spouses, and even gave some specific details. These men thought they were forgiven, but they had deceieved themselves and God turned them over to their lusts. They confessed to all but the worst of their lust, convincing themselves that in doing so they were protecting their spouses from further hurt and harm. They both ended up falling even farther into their sins and ended up committing acts far worse than the ones they were unwilling to confess initially. They came to realize that they had not been fully repentent and had experienced only worldy sorrow, and not the true godly sorrow that real repentence required. In their sin, they did not recognize this. How can we know that we are truly, actively mortifying sin if we are unwilling or unable to be transparent about it? Pride is so pervasive, so deeply imbedded in our sin nature, isn’t it better to be willing to humble ourselves for the sake of being sure we are battling sin than to trust the motives and judgements of our own deceitful hearts?
Any man over the age of 45 who hasn’t once been opaque with his wife for her betterment is is now divorced. That kind of opacity happens all the time in a healthy marriage.
Everyone wants to rush right into “confession of sin” as the big portion of transparency, but that’s the smallest iota of what it means to be transparent. Or opaque.
A for instance: The wife has a final job interview, one she’s really pumped up for. She’s anxious, though, too. She asks you how she looks and you realize that she wore that same business suit to a previous interview with the same company. Her other business suit is at the cleaners.
So when she asks you how she looks…
1. Are you fully transparent and tell her she wore that same suit before, causing her to panic, run around frantically trying to find some way, any way, to correct the problem, even as she’s starting to run late?
2. Or do you maintain some level of opacity, tell her she looks like a million bucks, and send her on her way confident that she will get the job, even though you know she wore that suit before?
There’s not a wise Christian man out there who would not go with #2. Yet I know plenty of younger guys who believed the “reality” of always being transparent trumped everything, so they chose #1. Many of those who chose #1 now know what friction in a marriage feels like.
Or how about this: You and your wife have a fight just minutes before you arrive at a party thrown by some friends. Over something stupid, probably. The two of you put on your happy faces, walk into the party, and start mingling. Eventually you end up in different conversations: she with a mixed group, and you with Kim, the wife of one of your friends. Your wife comes over and wants to know whether you would like to join the conversation she’s having with the group.
Which direction do you take?
1. In all transparency, you truthfully tell her, “Actually, I’m still mad at you, so I’d rather keep talking with Kim for the time being”?
2. Or are you opaque and take any possible wise action other than the one mentioned in #1?
Transparency ISN’T always the best policy. And yes, it can backfire horribly and often, as men (and women) are called into those same kinds of scenarios on a daily basis in their marriages.