This is a topic I’ve written about before, but one that has been on my mind again lately. I’ll be interested in your feedback on it.
Ted Wallis, a doctor in Austin, Texas, recently came upon a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator. He walked away. ‘Being male,’ he explains, ‘I am guilty until proven innocent.’” As awful as it sounds, I sympathize with this guy. As terrible as it might be to see a young child lost and alone, as a man in this society I feel like accusing eyes would be upon me if I was I to walk up to that child and offer my help. My instinct would probably be to look for an authority figure—a police officer or mall security guard—or a harmless-looking stranger, perhaps an elderly woman or a pregnant mom. These people could help the child without making others assume that they have evil ulterior motives.
Jeff Zaslow of the Wall Street Journal has written a couple of compelling articles dealing with our society’s view of men as predators. They are well worth reading (Are We Teaching Our Kids To Be Fearful of Men? and Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope With Being Cast as Predators). He asks, “Are we teaching children that men are out to hurt them? The answer, on many fronts, is yes. Child advocate John Walsh advises parents to never hire a male babysitter. Airlines are seating unaccompanied minors with female passengers rather than male passengers. Soccer leagues are telling male coaches not to touch players.” An ad campaign for Virginia’s Department of Health features a picture of a man’s hand holding a child’s hand with these words plastered over it: “It doesn’t feel right when I see them together.” The message seems clear. “The implication is that if you see a man holding a girl’s hand, he’s probably a predator,” according to Marc Rudov who runs a father’s rights site.
Clearly there are going to be consequences to making society (and children in particular) fearful of men. “Fathers’ rights activists and educators now argue that an inflated predator panic is damaging men’s relationships with kids. Some men are opting not to get involved with children at all, which partly explains why many youth groups can’t find male leaders, and why just 9% of elementary-school teachers are male, down from 18% in 1981.” Children are beginning to be distrustful of men and society in general is becoming increasingly distrustful of men. Men, meanwhile, bear the weight of feeling like they are always on the edge of being accused of some deviant behavior. “The result of all this hyper-carefulness, however, is that men often feel like untouchables.” “While we don’t want sexual predators to harm our kids, we do want our kids to develop healthy relationships with adults, both men and women. Instilling a fear of men is a profound disservice to everyone.”
Here are a few examples of how this is working itself out according to the testimonies of men who responded to Zaslow’s articles:
In Cochranville, Pa., Ray Simpson, a bus driver, says that he used to have 30 kids stop at his house on Halloween. But after his divorce, with people knowing he was a man living alone, he had zero visitors. “I felt like crying at the end of the evening,” he says.
At Houston Intercontinental Airport, businessman Mitch Reifel was having a meal with his 5-year-old daughter when a policeman showed up to question him. A passerby had reported his interactions with the child seemed “suspicious.”
In Skokie, Ill., Steve Frederick says the director of his son’s day-care center called him in to reprimand him for “inappropriately touching the children.” “I was shocked,” he says. “Whatever did she mean?” She was referring to him reading stories with his son and other kids on his lap. A parent had panicked when her child mentioned sitting on a man’s lap.
I am of two minds about this. On the one hand I don’t want to feel (and don’t want my children to feel) that all men are perverts who are untrustworthy simply by virtue of being men. At the same time, I have too often seen the harm done to children through predatory men. Though it may be the case that only the smallest percentage of men are predators, the fact remains that the vast majority of predators are men. Early on in our marriage my wife and I established a couple of ground rules pertaining to our children (such as not allowing men or boys to babysit our children and being exceedingly cautious about sleep-overs). To use these seemed like common sense rules and not ones born out of a great fear of all men. They are rules that we do not tell the children so as not to make them overly fearful toward men. We are cautious towards relationships between our children and other men, but rejoice when godly or otherwise concerned adults show a genuine interest in them.
I would be interested in hearing from the people who read this site to hear how you cope with these situations.
- Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
- Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
- Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
- For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? If so, would you do so with confidence or with some level of fear?
Comments (61) »
1. Tim Challies
May 22, 2009
9:22 AM
Let me answer first…
1. No, we have chosen not to use male babysitters. We consider this a wise rule and one we stick with even when we’re completely confident that a particular individual would never harm our children. We just do not want to make exceptions.
2. No, we will not allow our son to babysit. This is the flip-side of our decision from #1.
3. I don’t know that we are nervous, but we are aware. We love it when anyone shows a genuine interest in our children, but we are always aware of it. Of course we never assume that such people are up to no-good, but we do keep an eye on who is interacting with our kids.
4. I would stop and help, but I would be looking over my shoulder the whole time. I would likely just sit on the ground with the child and not seek to lead him anywhere, even to the Information Center. I would likely sit there with him and, if his parent did not show up, I would ask a passing woman to walk with me as I took him to the Information Center (or wherever else a person could page his parents). If I took his hand and led him anywhere, I can imagine that people would assume the worst…
2. donsands
May 22, 2009
9:45 AM
In my first church, the SS director molested children, and he was a principle of a public school. I would have never guessed. The schoool where my daughter went had a head schoolmaster who was a pervert and molested many boys.
Both of these men got jail time.
A friend of mine’s 5 year old boy was molested by a 12 year old boy.
I think we do need to be wise as snakes in a greater way in our society.
Yet, if I saw a child weeping in the mall I would not hesitate to help him or her.
Good post. Some serious stuff for parents to put into their hearts, if they have young children. I pray for my grandsons daily to be protected by the mighty hand of the Lord from predators and such.
3. Tony Brott
May 22, 2009
10:20 AM
I completely understand the fears for the reasons Don pointed out. I used to babysit when I was a teenager and I would let me teenage son (if the parents were so inclined). I may be completely off base about this, but I think it leads to the kind of men who see child-raising as solely “women’s work” and are uninvolved or uncaring (not intentionally, but by practice) about children.
One of the upshots of this attitude I’ve seen is that, in my church, any man who volunteers for nursery duty must have an adult woman work with him. So, in an area where there is a continual short supply of workers, one class is almost always excluded. Again, I think it creates a certain attitude that may not be healthy.
To answer the questions:
1. Yes, in the sense that I would be familiar with the babysitter regardless of the gender.
2. Yes in the same conditions as No. 1. I would have my son work for people he knew well and who knew (and were comfortable) with him. One question related to this: Would you allow an older male child watch a younger sibling? Is this different? Why?
3. No, I am not nervous. I am not careless, but I’m not nervous either.
4. I would stop and help the child probably by asking a few questions and enlisting the help of those around. It’s happened before.
I understand the need for protecting our children and then consciences of others, but is this an example of “being conformed to the world”? If we use the failures of others to dictate our actions, how many other changes will that produce in the way we conduct our lives and, in the end, will this help us or keep us from being the kind of people God wants us to be?
4. Larry
May 22, 2009
10:23 AM
Here’s another question on the same general topic…
What is the responsibility of a church when they learn that a member has been convicted of a child molestation crime and is on Megan’s list?
5. Jessica
May 22, 2009
10:26 AM
1. There are very few men (maybe 3) who we would leave our children with. Unfortunately, as much as we love my brothers, we would not even leave the kids with them. One of my brothers used pornography and quite frankly, I couldn’t leave my kids with him. He’s not sleazy, creepy, nor slimey. In fact, he’s a clean cut professional man… but still. The few men we would leave our kids with are very dear married friends of ours, and we would only do it on a rare occasion. They probably wouldn’t want to do it because of the fear of accusations anyways.
2. I wouldn’t let my teenage boy babysit.
3. Yes, we’re leery of men.
Now, my husband worked in a Fed. Prison in the sex offender’s unit and my mom was sexually abused by her pornography using step-dad so we’re a little sensitive to the issue.
6. Tiffany
May 22, 2009
10:49 AM
I am a 25 year old married woman without kids but I find it extremely off-putting when men around my age are awkward/uncomfortable around children. Like somebody said previously, childcare has been relegated to women only in church and school and this is not only damaging to our children who will have no idea how to relate to godly men, or how to be godly men (especially in a world where children are increasingly coming from single-mother homes) but also damaging to our men — who now have no idea how to relate to children. I don’t know what the solution is. I know if I had children, I would be paranoid with them. After all, the vast majority of children are molested by men whom they know AND trust.
It’s a sad day for our kids and young men.
7. Mark
May 22, 2009
10:58 AM
We were a foster family for 15 years and in the foster system where I live foster dads were not allowed to be left alone with foster kids.
Answer to your questions:
1.There may 3 men I would trust with my kids. We were also very picky to which females kept our children.
2. There are few children I would let my son babysit.
For the one of the reasons men could not stay alone with a foster child. You could get accused for doing something you did not do or a female foster child/teen for the reason they are a foster child can come on to you.
3.I am always alert to anyone. We forget women can be a danger to. Go look at your local sexual offender website and you will find women.
4. Yes I would help that child and I have done it before. If you have your cell phone call authorities right away and start asking people around you if they have seen the child’s parent and don’t give over a child unless you can verify that child belongs to that person.
8. Lucas H
May 22, 2009
11:02 AM
The following are answered as assuming I had children. We are in the process of adopting a baby girl, so this topic is of interest to me. That, and the fact that I am a male who loves children.
1. Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
Yes, provided I knew the babysitter(s) well.
2.Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
I would allow him to babysit family and close friends’ children, provided he has shown Christian character in his life. I would then feel confident that I could stand by him if any accusations did arise.
3.Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
I would be if I did not know the man. I am not against letting a man talk to my child, though, as long as I am with my child and can hear what the man is saying. He must make some attempt to acknowledge my presence as well.
4.For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? If so, would you do so with confidence or with some level of fear?
This has happened to me before. I saw a child of about three years standing alone in a Wal-Mart. He was not crying, but there was no other person around. I wanted to help him find his parents, or at least a store employee, but I knew it would look bad if I was seen with a child not my own with nobody around. I was also hesitant to leave the child because I didn’t want anything to happen to him.
I have since made up my mind, though, that I will help if such a thing happens again, I will help. I would not want a man to pass my child by simply because he felt he might be accused of something, then have a real predator come and take them. I cannot bear the thought of this happening to another child because I was too afraid to help. The fear would be there, of course, but the knowledge that I was doing the right thing helps.
9. bchallies
May 22, 2009
11:14 AM
As Tiffany said, it is usually trusted people - ones who have legitimate access to your child- access given either directly or indirectly by the parents - that then molest. As you know, Tim, in our family it was you and your brother - never the girls - who were threatened by pedophiles within the church - school context….The dangers were never “in the world”…Sad, but true…I am with you in your choices for your children.
10. Phillip Huber
May 22, 2009
11:16 AM
For those who walk away from a lost child,
and for those who sympathize with such an action,
please reread The Parable of the Good Samaritan.
11. Joe Martin
May 22, 2009
11:23 AM
I’m a 26 year old male. I got married when I was 23 and I now have two young daughters (2 years old and 8 months old). As a young dad, I’m very sensitive to the “I don’t trust any man with my kids!” line.
So far in this conversation, I’m seeing a lot of blanket statements and few actual statistics. Statements like “the fact remains that the vast majority of predators are men” or “After all, the vast majority of children are molested by men whom they know AND trust.”
This is, sadly, pretty common. And I wonder how much of those statements are driven by sensational news coverage and not by actual truth. So, I went looking for some statistics. They seem to be hard to find. 30 minutes with Google hasn’t turned up much. Here’s what I have seen, from the U.S. Justice department:
This looks like females and other children commit a significant number of sex crimes. Now, I’ll look at the numbers another way. Rounded off, there are 500,000 sex offenders in the state registries. There are 119,566,275 men aged 15 and up in the U.S. I’ll round that to 119,500,000. Now, assuming that every single registered sex offender is male (not true), that means male sex offenders are .4% of the total male population. Note that’s point 4 percent, not 4 percent.
And, for this, I have to worry that anyone seeing me carry my daughters around or watch me holding their hands will assume I’m a predator.
To answer Tim’s questions:
1. Would you leave your children with male babysitters?. Yes.
2. Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? Assuming he liked kids more than I do, yes. (I don’t understand kids that aren’t my own. They have weird language and habits.)
3. Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?. No, not really. I’m actually more nervous around teens or other kids. They’re not fully mature yet. Who knows what they’ll think is a good idea.
4. For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? If so, would you do so with confidence or with some level of fear? I probably wouldn’t. I’d be afraid of what other people would think. I’d be petrified that the child’s parents would see me with their child and totally freak out.
12. Larry
May 22, 2009
11:29 AM
We should never act according to what we think the perception of others is regarding our motivation. Not helping a child because we fear what might be thought about us is acting out of fear and not faith.
We should rather that people to think bad things about us while we are doing good and helping children.
As a side-note, if we are helping a child and constantly looking over our shoulder, or if we don’t help the child but watch over them to make sure nothing bad happens to them - then we will look even more suspicious.
13. Nathan
May 22, 2009
11:30 AM
I am a single pastor who has taken in a teen boy. A limited number of people have responded to me with suspicion, but most seem to be grateful that someone is trying to help kids who are in trouble or do not have anywhere to go. I guard my reputation and my relationship with these kids as closely as I can, but knowing that one day, it is possible I could be falsely accused. Therefore, I am selective about who and how I help. So…to answer the questions…
1) Depends on who the man is, and what my relationship with that person is
2) Depends on the situation, but I would not rule it out completely
3) Not necessarily
4) I would help the kid, and not be anxious about what people might think.
While I respect those of you who have hard and fast rules, I think there are too many variables from case to case, and each must be evaluated individually. (I do think it’s a good idea to have hard and fast rules within the context of each situation)
14. JR
May 22, 2009
11:38 AM
I’ll only answer the original question:
I am a man, and yes I would help the child. Mainly because if it was my child I would want someone like me to help, rather than wait for someone with awful motives to come along. I realize this COULD lead to accusation, but the ramifications of not helping are far more grave. Even if it did lead to accusation wouldn’t it be worth it if the child was kept from harm?
Not to say I wouldn’t be wise, but good grief,…how could anyone do nothing? I’d also say if you did it “carefully” “looking over your shoulder the whole time” doesn’t that make you look creepy, rather than if you confidently led the child to safety? Are you more likely to be accused if you appear that you COULD be accused for something?
15. Chuck
May 22, 2009
11:40 AM
To qualify my answers, my children are adults. So the answers to the first three questions are retrospective.
1. No
2. No
3. Yes, but not to the point of shutting down the interaction on the spot.
4. Yes, particularly in a public place like a mall.
16. Zach Nielsen (Vitamin Z)
May 22, 2009
11:51 AM
1. Depends, do I know them well? Do I know their family?
2. Yes. This is like asking, would you allow your dog to be around other children? Does the dog have a track record of being violent? Then of course not. Does my kid have a track record of being sexually charged and interested and exposed to many things he should not be? We should know our kids enough to be able to make a good judgment call here.
3. No. But that is not to say that I would leave them with some dude I don’t have a relationship with.
4. Yes, certainly would, especially since it would be public.
17. Roger
May 22, 2009
11:56 AM
1) yes - But I would need to trust any babysitter
2) N/A - Only have a daughter
3) nope - the church is a mixture of generations. My daughter needs relationships with godly men and women who are older then she is.
4) I think we all know what the right answer to this question is. The real question is do we do what is right or do we do nothing out of fear of men.
18. Larry Geiger
May 22, 2009
11:59 AM
Would you leave your children with male babysitters? Yes.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? They often did. Yes.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? No.
For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? Yes.
19. Robert
May 22, 2009
12:06 PM
I am a parent of 8 children (5 boys, 3 girls), they are almost all grown now. I am also a retired police officer. 2 of my daughters were molested once when they were young, by a family friend, who was watching them (he was arrested and convicted after we found out). I also volunteer in the nursery regularly, and have often been the first mail to volunteer in my children’s various schools, as well as the church nurseries. I love kids, and enjoy playing with them.
With my background, I completely understand parent’s wariness, and I encourage them to use all their wisdom and precautions for the safety of their children, as I do for my own. when I watch children of my friends, or work in the nursery, I do so with my wife, or with my teenage daughter. I think this is a good policy, since it not only reassures the parents, and also protects me from possible accusations.
One thing to remember though, is not matter what you do to protect your children, you can’t protect them from everything or everyone. But you can trust them with the Lord, and pray for Him to care for and protect them. But we must also remember that He is soveriegn, and loving, and things may happen that we do not always understand. But He loves us, and will work all things for good to those who love Him. I trust He loves my children more than I can imagine, and He will work these things out for good.
Do your best as a parent, but always go to the Lord….always.
And yes, I would help a lost or hurt child. As a Christian, as a parent, as a police officer, as a man…I am here to help the weak and defenseless.
20. George Adams
May 22, 2009
12:07 PM
Not an answer, but let me offer this story at least as a consideration:
On August 4, 2006, Wayne and Julie Delkin left their children with a male babysitter. They had been planning for a special evening together at their favorite restaurant for quite a while. They didn’t get out of the house much by themselves, now that they had two young children to care for. But they had made arrangements with a babysitter from their church to take care of the children for a 3 hours while they went out.
The babysitter was a 16-year-old boy named Nate. Both of Nate’s parents were devout Christians in the Delkin’s church, and Nate himself had professed faith at age 14. By all accounts he was a fine young man, always polite and friendly. The Delkins were friends with Nate’s parents, and had known Nate for several years.
And so, on that Friday in August, the Delkins got their children ready for bed, (Kaylee, age 5 and William, age 3) and told them to do whatever Nate told them to do. With some last instructions to Nate, they kissed their children goodnight, and left the house.
Three hours later, when they got home, they went into the house and found Nate watching TV. He told them that everything had went well, and the children were asleep. The Delkins thanked him, paid him, and sent him home.
The next morning when the Delkins talked with their children, they learned that Nate had read them an exciting story and that (when they begged and pleaded) he read them another book as well, which was exciting because they usually only got one story each night. After that, they brushed their teeth and went to bed. It had been a fun night.
The end.
What, you were expecting something different? And yet, that’s the type of babysitting story that the vast majority of people have. But you will never hear the story I just told you on the news, because it is so typical.
Far be it from me to bind anyone’s conscience into thinking that they MUST trust people that make them nervous into being their children’s babysitters. But as for me, I’ve noticed that I have a quiet, but deep worry about my children that I don’t think is entirely biblical. This extends not only to babysitters but also to things like:
1. I can’t let them play in the front yard! Someone might snatch them away while I’m not looking!
2. I can’t let them walk to the library! They might be abducted, molested and killed! (Never mind that this has never, ever happened anywhere near here.)
I am trying to find the balance between wise protection of my children vs. smothering with protection because I am afraid of vague, ill-defined fears of dangers that I think MUST be out there, because it happened to this child that I read about in the newspaper… forgetting that it did NOT happen to 70,000,000 other children.
Again, not really an answer (sorry!) Just a consideration.
21. Reg Schofield
May 22, 2009
12:08 PM
First off thanks Joe Martin for at least putting numbers to what is sometimes a blanket statement that carries little weight in reality.
To Answer the Questions.
1.Yes. But both my wife and I had very high standards for girls as well . I could tell you horror stories of girls from a nice professional families allowed to babysit , only to invite boys over or friends and well take it from there.
2. I have allowed my sons to babysit .Usually it was with family only but once in a blue moon it was other kids.
3.Cautious would more like it. We have always been very open with my sons on what is right and what is wrong touching. Plus I have tried to show them some basic self defense moves that would render anybody writhing in pain.
4.I would help but extreme caution . If my wife is with me I let her take the lead . But I would not do something. To not I think is wrong.
Men have been taking it on the chin for a long time . From feminist and pretty much every sector of society. We need to return to chivalry and protect our children. I have no tolerance for abusers of women or children and would like to see the laws of Canada much stiffer and extreme.
22. Tony Brott
May 22, 2009
12:15 PM
Robert and George, I appreciated your comments (and George, I loved your story!). It is hard to admit it, but we can sometimes make idols out our children or the idea of safety. Fearing the looming threat of danger is something that we (and our children) may not grow out of when it comes time to make hard decisions.
23. JT
May 22, 2009
12:18 PM
Would you leave your children with male babysitters? No.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? I’d caution against it.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? I think it would depend on the man. Total stranger then yes.
For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? Instinctively yes. I think wisdom would tell you to find mall security immediately anyways.
JT
http://redeemingriches.wordspress.com
24. Peter
May 22, 2009
12:37 PM
Kind of hard to say on the babysitter front. I’d be cautious, but no more than normal. In general we tend not to choose males by themselves as babysitters. As others have noted, I’m aware, but not necessarily nervous, if a man chats w/ my kid. Most people won’t approach a child without the parents present anyway unless we know them really well.
As for helping kids in a store/mall - I’d definitely help out and if anyone asked, I’d be more than happy to show my ID or have them accompany me to the service desk to be sure nothing bad happened. At least I know that I can be trusted as opposed to someone else (and it’s not always men who are the predators, just more men than women).
I’m generally pretty comfortable around younger kids and I’ll smile at them or wave if they seem to be bored. I’ve played peekaboo with them a couple of times to get a laugh, but I’ll keep my physical distance just to be safe. I remember when my kid was young and sometimes just needed something to entertain her when the adults were otherwise occupied and a smile goes a long way towards that.
On a related note, the other day I ended up entertaining a bunch of younger kids by reading stories. Parents were present, but otherwise occupied and the kids were getting pretty restless. I would have loved to take them outside, but didn’t dare do that by myself. Largest reason there is just numbers and having a backup in case something goes really wrong. We couldn’t really ask for volunteers to watch the kids run around outside in the situation, which was a shame because they had a lot of spare energy to burn off.
25. Tim Wood
May 22, 2009
12:45 PM
This is an interesting topic. Lately I have been thinking about this from the opposite view. My heart hurts for several boys of single mothers in my wife’s sphere of influence. How are they to know what it is to be godly Christian men if they are never allowed to interact with godly Christian men?
An important part of my childhood and learning to be a leader and understanding biblical manhood was through a Boy Scout Troop. In the my troop ONLY fathers were allowed to participate as leaders. Through the program I learned so much from a host of godly men. I desire these kind of interactions for my own son (due in August) and the sons of single moms that desperately need to see what biblical manhood looks like.
The scouts have a significant youth protection program, which basically amounts to having two adults present at any interaction with children. One adult and three or four children was also deemed less desirable but also acceptable. It worked and worked well. At no point did I feel threatened or unsafe because there was always someone else around if I did need help.
In general two deep leadership can be applied to a great many situations. I tend to apply it to church activities and interactions in public areas. It is usually never a problem.
The questions asked in Tim’s post:
1 and 2) I don’t really like the idea of babysitters in the first place. There is no two deep adult presence. My wife and I routinely babysit together for other couples in our church and I know that if we ever needed someone to watch my son that there are at least 3 or 4 couples who would gladly offer. Its worth noting that I would be fine with my own hypothetical older children watching the hypothetical younger ones.
3) I am not nervous about men showing interest in children in situations where the parents or other guardian/authority figures are present and acknowledged. I would never allow any child to be alone with any adult who is not their parent.
4) I would gladly offer help to a lost child after enlisting the help of another adult.
26. Daniel
May 22, 2009
12:53 PM
Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
It depends. Few of us would prevent a grandfather watch his own grandchildren, and I don’t think I would have a problem leaving our children with some of the elder gentlemen in our church; There are also some godly young men in our assembly whom I wouldn’t hesitate to leave alone with our children; but as a general rule, we are far more picky about men who babysit than women, and precisely for the reason of abuse. There is nothing pious about tossing your children to the wolves (as it were) and demanding that God make up the difference in your careless parenting.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
It depends. If he was reliable and responsible, and we trusted the family where he would be “sitting” I would.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
It depends on the situation and the man. Some people are simply creepy, and frankly, when the creep factor is high, I get protective (as opposed to hesitant or nervous). If the person seems genuine, and the interest seems appropriate, my protector “instinct” doesn’t get the same work out - but it is there.
For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? If so, would you do so with confidence or with some level of fear?
I would stop to help the child, but not alone. I would enlist the help of a lady passerby, explaining my intentions (to see if the child needs help) and my reasons for enlisting her assistance (to ensure that my intentions are not misunderstood). Like you Tim, I wouldn’t dare to hold the child’s hand or physically comfort the child - out of concern for how that might be construed by onlookers. I don’t relish that I live in a society where this sort of prudence is a necessary way of mitigating against false accusations, but the truth it doesn’t matter if an accusation of molestation or abuction is true or not - once you are suspect, as far as the world is concerned, you may as well be guilty - no one is going to take a chance on trusting you.
27. Deb
May 22, 2009
1:05 PM
We have lived in our house for 5 years. About 2 years ago our neighbors moved out and a single guy (60 y.o.) moved in. He seemed nice enough, but still a “little different.” On Halloween last year, all the media made a big deal about the law in our state that people on the Sex Offender Registry had to be home and have their porch light out or be at work. They could not just be “out and about.” I went ahead and checked again to make sure that our “immediate” area was safe. Lo and behold, our next door neighbor is on the list. At first, I must admit, I freaked out as I have a 12 y.o. and a 14 y.o. girl. I called the Sheriff’s dept. and asked why I was not told when he moved in. He said that there are so many on the list, there is NO WAY that they could inform everyone about their whereabouts. I still wish that it was not true, but I am thankful to be informed. We live in the country and a privacy fence for 3 acres is not feasible so we have told all the kids,( I have a 16 y.o. boy too), all about him and what to do, etc., etc.
It is very ironic to me that we lived 4 years in North Hollywood, CA and had GREAT neighbors and we move to a rural area outside a small town in the midwest and have a pedophile next door. You can look up the “registered” offenders online in every state. One word of caution, there are people on there who were involved in “consentual” activities, albeit with minors, but I don’t see those as a risk as much as the pedophile type. Obviously, this lists only the ones that have been caught, but it is a good place to start.
I am really having to trust the sovereignty of God and praying that we can share the gospel boldly even though it makes me sick to my stomach when I think about his behavior. I have to view him and everyone else in light of the cross. I can only do so much to protect my kiddos, I remember checking my first one many times as a baby to make sure that he was breathing and I wish I could say that I no longer worry and completely rest in the sovereignty of God, but I am growing in that area and I believe that God allowed this situation to help me grow even more.
28. catherine
May 22, 2009
1:07 PM
Ok, I am a wife and a mother. And I’m depressed thinking that Christian men can be so fearful! Larry and Robert hit it out of the park, in my opinion. We are Christ followers first.
It looks bad to help a child? It’s also uncool to share the gospel most of the time. Men, please step up and do what’s called of you even when the world says not to! Leave the worrying and fretting to the women! We need you to be men!
Make the best decisions possible based on what God teaches and your own God-given discernment. But my goodness, my husband was a military officer. I’m pretty sure he would help the kid. And I’m pretty sure he has seen plenty of young men with whom he would entrust our daughters’ lives, let alone babysit. Jesus talked to and touched people in ways that were crazy and risky.
We have 2 girls and one day, God willing, we will advise and consent to marriage for them. I pray that we have trusted and spent time with enough young men to be wise parents. Worry and fear get you no where. I should know, I’m a girl!
29. Abigail
May 22, 2009
1:11 PM
No, no male babysitters.
No, our son will not be babysitting.
If a stranger, yes immediate red flag.
And last question doesn’t apply.
I’ve heard the stat many times that something like 1 out 4 girls are molested or touched inappropriately. And most these cases are by “trusted men.” That’s the point.
Not that many girls get drug away by strangers. It’s usually by “trusted men.” An uncle, a friend, a teacher, etc.
That’s why people are so careful. And to think we can know what our son will do in any given situation is foolish. Even if our son is a believer and has shown superb judgment means little when faced with a new temptation.
It’s not that we don’t “trust” our sons. It’s that we want to protect them from a temptation that they are too young to handle. Hormones and sin are a deadly combination. Protecting our sons from having temptation set directly in front of them is wise.
And protecting our sons and daughters from boys and men whom we also can’t know how they’ll behave is also wise. It’s not telling them all males are bad. It’s being careful with what has been entrusted to us.
30. Larry F.
May 22, 2009
1:27 PM
1. Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
2. Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
3. Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
The answer to the first three is it depends, upon who the person is, how well I know them and what the circumstances are. I really don’t see any of these as binary situations in all circumstances.
4. For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? If so, would you do so with confidence or with some level of fear?
I would try to help in some way but it would not including approaching the child by myself for the very reasons mentioned here.
Just to comment on this, I think this kind of vilification of men is just one more attempt by our culture to diminish the importance of men and to denigrate their God-given role as protector and provider, thereby diminishing the importance of the family unit. Its really an attack on the family. After all, if one half of the adults in every traditional family unit is a potential predator, isn’t two ‘mommies’ a safer environment for kids?
This kind of profiling would not be tolerated if it were Muslims or homosexuals or some other protected group that was in view.
31. donsands
May 22, 2009
1:47 PM
“Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? No.” -Larry
Even though you don’t know the man, and he could be wanting to molest your child?
I’ve known men whom I never would have ever expected to be perverts. One was an Espicopol Priest, married with his own children. He was molesting the elemtary students at St. Tims.
I know one of the boys he molested. And it’s horrible.
I’m cautious myself. Not with family of close friends. But every one else I am.
It’s simply the times we live in. Be wise as a snake, and harmless as doves, even extra wise in these dark days, where “God has given this wicked men up to the lusts in their hearts.”
32. Abigail
May 22, 2009
1:47 PM
One more thing, lest I sound in anyway disdainful of men. I am not. It is precisely because I see the huge importance of relationships between my children and godly men, that I protect them from situations that are potentially abusive. My husband, their dad, is the one who will do/has done most all of the heavy lifting in giving them a right view and relationship with men (and by extension, God).
I can’t protect them from everything. Only God can keep a man or woman from harming my kids, ultimately. But I am His instrument in my children’s lives. And because I want my kids to view men in a healthy, positive way (with the understanding that they’re all totally depraved without Christ, of course) I do all I can to keep them from being abused and thus having a very distorted view of men.
For me this means keeping them from “alone” time with males outside of a select few.
33. Greg Wilson
May 22, 2009
2:18 PM
I am a 50 year old male. Although my wife and kids will testify to me being a “old softy” my choice of facial hair apparently gives me a scary demeanor. My son goes to a private school, from which the school bus lets him off in front of a local elementary school. I often wait in my car (1989 rusty chevy) on the street across from the school. It dawned on me one day that if I was a parent of one of the elementary students, my sitting there would make me very nervous.
It’s a shame, but it is the world in which we live.
34. Joe Martin
May 22, 2009
2:19 PM
Abigail, your comment saddens me immensely. You wouldn’t let any male babysit your children. You won’t let your own son ever babysit anyone’s children. You believe that any trusted male is a potential predator. And then you say that you’re not telling him that all males are bad. How is he supposed to believe that?
Tim, Abigail, Chuck, JT, wow am I supposed to believe that? Given that you would never, every allow a man to babysit — solely because he is a man — how should I or your children believe that not all males are bad? Eventually your children will notice that mom and dad are okay with them being alone with women but not with men. What kind of a signal will that send to them?
I ask that as a young, Christian male who desperately wants to be a man that children can look up. I want to be a man that young women see as a model of manliness and a model of what to look for in a husband. I want to be a man that young men see as a model of manliness and a model of how to treat women and children.
But I know that you and other mothers like you are in my church. Women that look suspicious every time I go to the nursery to pick up my children. Women that give me strange looks when I take my daughter to the park without also taking my wife. Women that stop whatever they’re doing to continually watch my interaction with children.
How am I ever supposed to have any confidence that I can be a role model if half of the adults in the room cringe any time I happen to pass near their child? How can your children ever begin to look up to me and trust me when their mother so clearly fears me?
As a man, I’m very grateful for the parents who have said that they would use a male babysitter. I’m heartbroken over the parents who categorically reject the option. To explicitly say that one person is more trustworthy than another — solely on the basis of gender — is extremely discriminatory and discouraging.
Women can — and do — molest children. In the absolute worst case scenario possible (assuming all molesters are men), only 1 out of every 250 men is a danger. Why are we so intent on punishing the other 249?
35. Matt Troupe
May 22, 2009
2:34 PM
I would have stopped and helped at the mall without fear prior to reading your post. I have been a paramedic for 13 years and the instinct to help without question is natural to me.
But…..
Now I might be concerned :-)
It is interesting to me that this is how we have chosen to deal with the issue of child sexual predation, by making the rest of us paranoid instead of actually punishing the perpetrators. Years ago when serving on the Board for a Christian school, I came to the conclusion that background checks are actually a part of the problem. Background checks won’t catch someone who not yet offended, or not yet been caught. They only flag people who have already broken the law and been convicted. And this whole process means that we have taken these dangerous criminals, who are very likely to repeat their crimes, and released them back into society. This has made it our responsibility to make sure that we don’t let them get too close to kids. BTW, in California if you detect that someone is a sexual offender in a background check, you cannot hire them, but you also can’t tell anyone else about the results of the background check. A really broken system, and as a result we have irrational fear of men in general!
36. Carol Blair
May 22, 2009
2:55 PM
Attorney Voyle A. Glover has written a book entitled “Protecting Your Church Against Sexual Predators,” and it is “must reading” for those in church leadership. Much in the book is applicable to this discussion.
From the back cover: “They sit in our pews. They come to our church picnics. They may even teach Sunday school or serve on a committee. They are sexual predators, and no church or ministry is immune to the devastating effects of child sexual abuse and the resulting litigation.”
Mr. Glover has a great deal of experience in church legal issues, and this book is a “wake-up call” to church leaders today about the proliferation of child molestation in churches. All churches. The book’s purpose is to encourage watchfulness and the implementation of church-wide safeguards for the protection of not only children but also the adults, as well as the reputation of the Church and the name of Christ. The author offers jarring facts, statistics, and horror stories. The extensive appendix includes a children’s worker application, a list of questions to ask references, a consent form for volunteer workers, a list of questions to ask a former church, a tips sheet for outings and trips, and much more.
Here are some specific suggestions, culled from throughout the book: As a general rule, male teens and adult men should not work in the nursery or with small children. All children’s workers (including women) should be screened, and background checks—-available easily and cheaply on the internet—-are a worthwhile investment. All rules and guidelines should be put in writing and should be announced from the pulpit at least once a year. On a church bus or van, no male teen or adult male should sit in the same seat with a child not related to him, and an adult woman should sit alone in the back, with an unobstructed view of all passengers at all times.
However, there is one area where, surprisingly, the author is shockingly lax. He recommends that the church not sponsor sleepovers at anyone’s home, but rather have sleepovers at the church instead. I strongly disagree. The church should sponsor NO sleepovers of ANY kind at ANY location. There is simply too much risk of evil.
37. Abigail
May 22, 2009
3:01 PM
Joe Martin,
I appreciate your heart and wanting to be a godly role model for children. This is a beautiful thing, and I love it! I think there is some misunderstanding between us and some legitimate difference of opinion.
You say,
“How am I ever supposed to have any confidence that I can be a role model if half of the adults in the room cringe any time I happen to pass near their child? How can your children ever begin to look up to me and trust me when their mother so clearly fears me?”
I must have given the impression that I don’t think relationships with godly males are important for my children. They are vastly important and I treasure the ones they have—the fathers from our small group, their SS teachers, uncles, grandpas etc. Although I will note that many of these are not “alone” situations. They are relationships that have developed while other people are around.
And I don’t cringe whenever a male comes near my child. But certain kind of attention from a man or older boy to my children gives me pause (it’s rarely rarely ever actually happened). It involves a lot of physicality. It’s a particular kind of interest in them.. and it makes my mother’s intuition go on guard.
Since your not a parent, I’m not sure you can fully understand the weight of responsibility I feel in regard to caring for my children. They are on loan to me. I will give an account. So, I teach them the Word and am careful not to put them in untoward situations.
And, while male role models are important, they are not the main way God has designed for my kids to have a godly view of men. That job goes to their father, as I said before, and he does an awesome job. In God’s providence He has given my kids many wonderful, godly male role models as well!
My advice is (sorry, I know you didn’t solicit it, but here it comes), keep pursuing a Christ, keep being a godly role model for kids, develop relationships, but don’t view parents who rule out male babysitters as the enemy. They are acting in good conscience as ones under God’s authority. And never think that because you may have been turned down to babysit, that you can’t have a wonderful kingdom impact on the children in your church.
Blessing in Christ,
Abigail
38. Abigail
May 22, 2009
3:09 PM
Joe Martin,
I reread your comment and see that you are a parent, which baffles me a little. Anyway, I stand by what I wrote, and hope you can cut us other young parents some slack in the decisions we make for our family that you disagree with.
39. Andy Bastian
May 22, 2009
3:13 PM
I’m 25y/o Never married and no children. When I was younger I had no desire to babysit. I’ve also never volunteered in the nursery. But I thank God for people in my church who have allowed me to watch their children while they run errands around town. It’s very easy to be awkward around children when you haven’t played with them since you were one. I would consider my time spent with them valuable training in the event that God should grant me children of my own.
Question 4. Count me with those who would not only help any child in need with no hesitation or fear, but would consider not helping to be the greater crime. As for the fear of false accusation? What does the righteous man have to fear? If I ever was accused falsely I pray that God might extend to me the grace necessary to count it all joy to be persecuted for righteousness (Matt. 5:10).
Additionally I agree with the reader who brought up the good samaritan. If a child was lying on the side of the road beaten and unconscious wouldn’t you help him? How bout Matthew 19:13,14 would you not let your children approach Jesus? Jesus was a man.
40. Michael Hunter
May 22, 2009
3:24 PM
1. Of course I would. I already have and will again. I can’t believe we are even talking about this.
2. Of course I would. I used to babysit when I was a teenager. it is a great chance to help a kid grow up.
3. If I know the guy or girl I would not be nervous. If I don’t know a man or a woman I would be careful.
4. Yes, of course. Men need to be brave. We need men to be the leaders and role models they are designed to be.
We only continue the problem by allowing it to change our minds and the way we live in the world. And the only way to change it back the other way is for us to live out true maleness by living guilt free and being men in this world. Do not back down. Do not run and hide.
41. E
May 22, 2009
3:46 PM
Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
A very select few. Maybe one or two close friends, and that only as a last resort. I don’t even let my son go with his grandfather alone for short periods of time and am actually having a hard time figuring out how to communicate this.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
No.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
I always question it, but it depends on the situation and the person.
For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? If so, would you do so with confidence or with some level of fear?
I have helped a lost child in a mall before, but i actually found a woman nearby to stand with him until I went and got a security guard to announce it. The mother came and found him pretty quickly. The perception of thers was in the forfront of my mind though.
This is a really tough issue because you can’t afford to learn from your mistakes. I must say though, that generally speaking men are perverts and predators and deserve the stigma. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. I just know the sexual perversion of my own heart and i’m a Christian, so I shudder to think about what is in the hearts of unbelievers.
Now, I don’t want my son to have an unhealthy fear of men, but wisdom is needed understanding how to do that.
42. wilco
May 22, 2009
5:31 PM
I think this is a cultural issue as much as anything. I’m not from the States and where I live (The Netherlands) this is not really an issue at all. Sure, we have the occasional story in the paper about an abusive teacher or social worker. And I am sure it happens more often than we think. But I am positive there are very few people here that have the concerns that I see in the comments.
I am thankful that when I´m teaching 6-7 year olds in sunday school I can still give them a hug when they need it or have them fight me (10 to 1, usually) after service.
Is this a matter of being protective or are some people trying to get rid of all the risks?
43. Justin
May 22, 2009
5:50 PM
Tim,
Normally I agree with your points of view and respect your general wisdom and discernment. However, in this case, it seems like your article and your comments about your own family’s practice only perpetuate the mentality that I initially thought you were warning against.
As a single Christian man in my mid-twenties (who actually works on staff at a church in Children’s Ministry), I am fully aware of the stigma attached to men and their interaction with children. It breaks my heart that even when I am taking my young nephews and nieces out for ice cream I have to think about whether or not I can carry them or hold their hands as we walk. However, I realize that I cannot change what people may choose to think. I can be cautious, but am ultimately helpless to change their thinking.
What concerns me is when I read the comments of Christians who say things like, “Regardless of how well I know a man, I would not allow him babysit my children” or “I don’t even allow male family members to watch my children.” These kind of comments literally make me sick to my stomach. I understand the caution, but there has to be some kind of balance. For Christians to show such a lack of trust in other Christians (not just casual acquaintances, but men whose lives and faith they claim to know well) is unfortunate. I agree with those who have noted that this only adds to the growing problem of men who are uncomfortable around children. If teens and young men in their twenties can have little or no interaction with children, what hope is there for this trend of male nonchalance toward child-rearing to change?
Ultimately, I’m just disappointed. I’m disappointed that the sickeningly sinful actions of an extremely small minority have caused the heavy majority of men to be distrusted. I’m even more disappointed that Christians cannot find a balance between responsibly protecting their children and perpetuating an overreaction of the society around them.
44. Joe Martin
May 22, 2009
6:14 PM
Abigail (and E),
Thank you for your response. As you saw, I am a parent. I feel a great weight of responsibility for both of my daughters. What really concerns me, and what I may have been reading into your original comment, is the attitude expressed by “E” and several others today: “I must say though, that generally speaking men are perverts and predators and deserve the stigma.”
I am a man. That attitude is entirely offensive, untrue, and demeaning. I will not raise my daughters to believe that every man but me is suspect and dangerous. I am pleading for the opportunity to be viewed as a potential predator first and a person second. I am pleading for the opportunity to be seen as a Christian, a fellow brother in Christ, a mentor, a friend, a husband, a father, a loving son, and a faithful employee. Instead, I’ve felt that stigma of being a potential predator. I’ve walked into the church nursery — alone — to pick up my daughter and seen people look at me suspiciously. I’ve taken my daughter to the park — alone — and seen mothers view me with suspicion and a little fear.
Yes, I will protect my daughters. I will raise them to know that men view sex differently than women. That men are more visually oriented. That they should be careful with how they interact with young men: don’t be flirtatious or unknowingly seductive. Men view these things differently. I know.
But many, many men are trustworthy and honorable. Many young men are worth of respect in their interactions with young women and children. And we insult and cripple these men if we’re collectively telling everyone to be very, very careful with letting their children be alone with men or emotionally close to men.
For me, this goes back to the view of sex that my wife likes to comment on. Many church youth groups tell their teens that sex is dirty, disgusting, and embarrassing — so you should save it for your husband. Our we telling our children, our daughters, that men are typically vile, evil, and dangerous; that it’s best not to get to close to them, and therefore you should love, honor, and cherish one as your husband? Are we implying that men are inherently untrustworthy and then expecting our sons to grow up and suddenly act inherently trustworthy?
I was a teen not that long ago. I generally acted well and my parents expected me to act well. I strove to live up to their expectations and mostly succeeded. My brother didn’t always act well. So, my parents started expecting him to be a problem child. No matter what he did, they could find something to criticize. So, he lived down to their expectations. Why bother trying hard? No matter how good it was, he was rewarded with criticism.
Are we doing the same with our sons? Are we telling them that they’re sex obsessed predators just waiting for a private moment to commit a crime? Are we telling our sons that they can never be trusted with anyone’s children? Are we giving them expectations to live up to or expectations to live down to? Our young men will take their cues from what we say. But they’ll also take their cues from how we treat other men and how much we trust other men.
So will our daughters. If we never fully trust any man other than our fathers, if women never fully trust any man but their husband, how can we raise our daughters to trust their husbands? Speaking for myself, I will raise my daughters to know what a trustworthy, honorable man looks like. I will raise them to give a trustworthy man the trust he’s earned over a lifetime. I’ll raise them to know the signs of an untrustworthy man (or boy) and avoid him. But I will not raise my daughters to instinctively distrust men simply for the crime of being male.
(And, Justin, thank you for your comments. I agree completely.)
45. chuck p
May 22, 2009
8:58 PM
In my stated the last several teachers charged with molesting students have been WOMEN molesting boys believe it or not. I have a handsome son and I worry more about female teachers than male teachers
46. Socorro Alaniz
May 22, 2009
10:17 PM
No
No
Yes
47. Tara Barthel
May 22, 2009
11:17 PM
Unresponsive to your questions (lack of time) but on point to the topic and (I hope) helpful to the discussion …
Rev. Dr. Alfred Poirier’s book, “The Peacemaking Pastor” does have a detailed case study of how our church responded when a convicted child molester (who was also our brand-new brother in Christ) wanted to join our church after his release from prison.
I truly believe this book should be a “must read” for every ordained and lay leader of a church.
(Pastor Poirier is the pastor of our PCA church in Billings, Montana, and is the chairman of the board of Peacemaker Ministries www.Peacemaker.net.)
48. David Zartamn
May 23, 2009
4:08 AM
This is sad to me, the dad of a 2 1/2 year old girl, because I have so much fun with her and love her and protect her with all my strength. It’s sad because I would immediately want to help another child in danger, but like many others have said, I would be looking over my shoulder.
I see two sides of this: A reminder that we are all sinners, and shouldn’t be surprised when a sinner sins. If Peter can deny Jesus and Judas can betray him, we are also capable of anything. Can you really trust any human (at least without the Holy Spirit’s discernment)? In my experience as a male Christian and US Marine in my late twenties, I can say that close to 100% of young men have viewed pornography. Does that mean that they are all pedophiles? Are pedophiles and perverts as prevalent in society as the media makes them out to be?
In our porn-infused culture, we need men to take leadership and set the example in purity. Our young men need older men to teach them how to battle sin, particularly sexual sin and our older men need to keep each other accountable. The Catch-22 is the older needs to spend time with the younger to do this.
49. big al
May 23, 2009
8:28 AM
working at a prison I can tell you there are just as many female predators as male. we instinctually trust women because of the connection with them as motherly. men…..not so much. good article though.
50. Jon Nunley
May 23, 2009
8:55 AM
I am an anesthesiologist and the father of 6 children. I often put children to sleep sitting on my lap in the operating room. These are usually children under 6 years old. It seems more comforting than having them lay on a cold operating room table and holding a mask over there face. It also makes it easier to control the child if he/she becomes uncooperative. I am rethinking this practice in light of this post.
51. Thomas
May 23, 2009
9:01 AM
We did use some male (high school boy) baby sitters - boys we knew. And conversely, we did NOT use females we didn’t know. It wasn’t a gender thing.
We did let our first son babysit. He loves children. He is now nearing college graduation in a course of secondary education. As someone intimated, more men in the schools is good. (Our second son simply had no interest.)
I can’t say I was ever nervous about a man showing interest. But then again, I can’t recall a situation where a completely unknown man, completely out of the blue, had the opportunity. When men we knew showed interest in our boys’ interests, we were happy for the help and mentorship they provided.
What really makes me sad about the answers I see posted above is how little if any defense anyone makes about why they won’t let their boys babysit. What’s the thinking there? Do you already not trust them, or are you afraid they (meaning you) will be sued the next day for allegedly doing something even if they hadn’t? Sadly, I can understand the latter though it is a chance I was willing to take. In either case, did you not let them date? That’s where they have a lot more opportunity to do things they shouldn’t, to get sued or even jailed. That’s where they will develop the lack of respect for rules, for “right”, and for women. If you don’t trust them, deal with it.
Otherwise, be part of the solution to this sad dilema by helping raise the next generation of men to be legitimately involved with children.
52. chuck p
May 23, 2009
10:09 AM
One other thing I would like to say is don’t always believe the statistics out there about 1 and 4, etc. Years ago there was a write up in the papers “Superbowl Most Dangerous Time of the Year for Women” stating that women are abused on that weekend more than any other. There were several articles and interviews and things like that, well some enterprising reporter looked up the stats on several large and medium size police departments and guess what, no more calls for abuse than any other day. Stats can be used to cause fear and paranoia very easily if we are not careful.
53. J.P.H.
May 23, 2009
10:58 AM
1. Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
Nope. It’s just a matter of statistics for me.
2. Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
This one’s trickier. On the one hand, hopefully I would have no reason to suspect that my son would do anything wrong. On the other hand, sometimes it’s just wise to avoid temptation. I think I might let him babysit boys, but not girls?
3. Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
Depends on the man, and what you mean by “friendly interest”. There are people at church who interact with my son, say on the playground, and that doesn’t bother me at all. If we were at a public park and a complete stranger started playing with him…then I might be more suspicious.
4. For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? If so, would you do so with confidence or with some level of fear?
I would help. And I wouldn’t be especially worried about being hassled for it. I would, however, just take the child immediately to mall security and let them deal with it.
54. annoymom
May 23, 2009
11:04 AM
I really appreciated this post. In terms of the question about young male babysitters. I do not feel it’s right to “set up” situations where curious teens should be left alone with young kids. This goes for both male and female. It’s not that anything will happen and we shouldn’t make the young kids feel like they are predators.
We must be careful in a culture where porn and other sexually explicit material are available to both teen boys and girls. There is a curiosity there. Many of these kids can lack self control. I know personally of both male and female teen babysitters that abused children because they were acting out what was done to them.
I am all for protecting both my own kids and the teens that would be babysitting them. There are other ways of getting childcare for our children like babysitting swaps with other moms or older single gals.
I guess my question is what it the benefit for the teen to babysit? Is it money? responsibility? interaction with kids? Those can all be achieved through other experiences.
There are ways to have teen boys be involved in our child’s lives and that is when parents or other adults are present and can engage at parties, events or casual hanging out time. These relationships are important for sure.
55. Mike
May 23, 2009
12:48 PM
Wow you are getting quite a response to this article Tim!
1. No
2. No
3. Yes
4. I would keep an eye on the child and find a women to help.
Being the dad of teenage girls and a teen age son we often find ourselves in touchy situations. One rule is that non of my daughters friends are aloud in our home without one of my daughters present. Often my son has his friends over and my daughters have friends it gets awkward and uncomfortable for my wife and I. I have made it extremely clear to my son that an accusation alone is enough to get him in trouble. That’s the point an accusation compounded with peoples paranoia is the problem and can cause you serious problems I had this happen to a friend of mine and it has ruined his life.
56. Renee
May 23, 2009
1:54 PM
I watched Schindler’s List for a second time the other night. I was awed by Schindler’s actions in a scene where, surrounded by German officers at a party, he kissed a Jewish servant girl on the lips in gratitude for a gift. He was later incarcerated for breaking a racial law enacted by Hitler’s government. During a time when the popular science of genetics declared Jews subhuman, Schindler maintained his humanity by showing goodness and definite mercy to his fellowman.
The book of Luke tells a similar story in chapter 10 where both a priest and a Levite pass by an injured man on the side of the road, but neither stops to assist. Their place in society played a big part in their decision. Why would a priest or a Levite risk being defiled by assisting someone quite possibly near death? The story continues where a Samaritan, a half-breed who by Jewish standards was no better than swine (Mishna Shebiith 8:10), stopped to help the injured man back to life.
I find it interesting that throughout history, we can trace a subtle (or maybe not so subtle) spirit of intimidation in society that discourages people from doing what is good for fear of being misunderstood, discriminated against, or even ostracized. It’s that same spirit that discourages an otherwise good man to turn off his good instincts to assist a lost and fearful child in a public place. If we stop and really think about it -listening to that spirit of intimidation is an exercise in putting self-interests above the needs of others.
I don’t have any answers for this terrible conundrum. I find myself easily persuaded by that same spirit of intimidation. Maybe the antidote, for Christians at least, is to ask God for greater faith in His power to defend us while we go about His business of doing good.
57. Amy Scott
May 23, 2009
4:29 PM
1. Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
We’ve left our children, not really with what I’d call a “babysitter”, but in the care of a family friend who is also a father. Back when we didn’t have a gabillion kids, I’d go out for coffee with a girlfriend and her or my husband would stay back with the kiddos.
2. Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
He babysits his siblings while I’m home, but I’m assuming you mean babysit for others. I think I’d only allow this for VERY close family friends.
3. Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
Absolutely not, which is saying something if you know me…. :)
There are certain individuals, who seem a little “off”, that I steer away from my children. But that is due to something I sense in them and has nothing to do with their gender.
58. maryanne helms
May 23, 2009
9:50 PM
Tim-
WE are aligned with you and Aileen in that there is not EVER the option of a male babysitter. Never ever. And even female ones I would select carefully. Just because of the prevalence of under-age sexuality in this generation, I would tend to be cautious with any teenager, but there are no exceptions to the “no-male” rule.
And men showing particular, keen interest in my kids: definitely a warning-bell to Pat and I. And a man who is “touchy”- even more of a warning sign. It is not a desire to be hyper-paranoid, but it is an acknowlegment that total depravity is a church-condition too, not some enigma in the world beyond. Deviance will penetrate the walls of a church as surely as it touches society outside. And so with that acknowlegement, we are careful. Very careful with our children. Because there is only one chance with abuse. And I make sure and tell Pat that any knee-jerk reaction he has to another male, should be taken seriously. God has made him protector of our family, and those “reactions” are sometimes the most compelling evidence of something being amiss.
Remember the few times Mom and Dad got the “inkling” something was not right??? And look back now and realize how saved we were for their reactivity. It would have taken years of therapy and devastation, had they wanted to “nice over” what their gut-reactions were speaking.
Thankful for the boundaries Mom and Dad established….
Maryanne
59. Daryl
May 24, 2009
2:25 PM
I would have a male babysitter, but, like a female babysitter, I would need to know them,
I would let my son babysit, although I’m not sure he’d be all that interested.
I’d help the kid in the mall.
Can I say that to all the men who are afraid to help the child or wouldn’t hold their hand or go alone, what is the problem here?
May I suggest that not helping puts the child in danger. Who knows who is coming up after you, man or woman, and what their intentions are.
It seems to me that the men who wouldn’t help or wouldn’t help alone are pridefully thinking of their own reputation rather than thinking of the child.
How is that “wisdom”. If I’m not going to harm the child what have I to fear? And is it my right as a Christian to consider my reputation at all in that circumstance? I don’t think so.
60. Mike
May 24, 2009
10:17 PM
This point may have already been made:
Whenever these conversations come up, I find it helpful to take “man” or “men” out of the sentence and insert “black person” or “black people.” Almost always, the sentence becomes so unbelievably racist that nobody would ever dare utter such a sentence:
“1. No, we have chosen not to use black babysitters. We consider this a wise rule and one we stick with even when we’re completely confident that a particular individual would never harm our children. We just do not want to make exceptions.”
As it is, blacks in America are responsible for a statistically significant number of violent and sexual crimes than are other races.
If my sentence is racist and thus untenable when describing black people, how dare I make the same injunction against an entire gender?
I, for one, hate what our culture does to men, and I’m ashamed to say that the church is one of the biggest offenders.
61. Abigail
May 27, 2009
10:54 AM
I realize the discussion has probably ended here, but I only just now checked back on this thread and saw Mike’s (#60) comment.
And I think it is worth a reply, because this attitude of unjust discrimination is present in many of the commenters here. As though arbitrary lines are being drawn about men and women and their fitness to be with children.
But they aren’t arbitrary. In fact, making distinctions based on gender is first and foremost Biblical. And pretending that certain sins are not more prevalent in one gender than another is also out of line with Scriptural thinking. And certainly comparing it to racism is manipulative and wrong-headed.
It lessens the reality of racism by likening it to something it is not like. To say that judging men and women differently based on gender-specific sins is the same as judging black people and tan people differently based on (non-existent) “race-based” sins is just plain wrong.
Because particular gender’s struggling with particular sins is a reality and it’s recorded in the Bible. Men and women are different in ways that brown people and tan people are not.
Take Titus 2 for example. Different instructions are given to each grouping of people. Old men, old women, young men and young women. Interestingly the only instruction specific to young men in this passage is to, “be self-controlled.” The singularity of the remark puts emphasis on it. Where in the other cases he lists self-control with a litany of other things.
We can glean from this passage that women probably struggle with slander and submissiveness. Otherwise, why make a point of telling only them to work on it? It was not mentioned to the men.
And elsewhere women are told to be modest, not busybodies, etc, etc. These aren’t arbitrary things that apply equally to men and women. Men should avoid them as well, but they are told specifically to women for a reason.
Likewise, it’s not inappropriate to recognize that (esp young) men struggle with lust and certain aspects of self-control more than women do. And to take precautions against it.
Christian women shouldn’t be mad that they are expected to dress modestly and that men can work outside with no shirt on.. oh the injustice! the discrimination!
How silly! And it’s equally silly for a man to be offended that I won’t hand my 5, 3 and 1 yr old over to them to babysit. A concerned mom should be granted that just concern without being compared to a racist.
It doesn’t mean she is devaluing men or viewing them all as perverts. It means she cares deeply for her kids and won’t put them in a situation that, if it goes wrong, can never be taken back. It means that she probably has a few great men she does trust, but not every seemingly Godly man. It means that she wants her kids to see the best in men, not the worst. It means she will guard her own son from unnecessary temptation.
Since when has the Christian life been one of insisting on one’s rights? Because that’s what many men are sounding like; whining that careful moms like me have ruined their lives by putting boundaries in place around my kids. As though moms guarding their kids has so stigmatized them that they can’t have any influential and loving relationships with children.
Hogwash! I don’t believe for a second that a truly Godly man is being prevented from caring for kids around him in appropriate ways (firstly his own children, if he has them). And other children as well, in accordance with the rules and desires of the kids’ parents. That’s how it works. You work with parents, not against them, and you will get no resistance. You may not babysit them alone, but you will have ample opportunity to be influential in their lives, if that is really what you desire.
If anyone reads this, I apologize for the length and lateness of the response. However, comments like Mike’s deserve to be corrected for the good of the hearers, or in this case, readers.