It's Not Your House!
I may have mentioned that I had said my final words on the subject of inviting ourselves over to other people’s homes. If I did say that I apologize, because I have one thing left to say!
As you recall, I recently asked whether or not it is rude for a person to invite himself to another person’s house. In the subsequent discussion I was quite shocked to hear how many Christians feel that this is a rude practice. It would never really occur to me that to ask myself to another person’s home is rude. I am not suggesting, of course, that I would call a person I barely know and say, “Hey, I’m coming over with the family. We’ll be there in an hour and will be staying for dinner.” I will grant that this example might be rude since I am not taking into consideration the fact that people have their own plans, their own lives. However, I see absolutely nothing rude in saying, “Hey, we’d like to get to know you guys better. Can we come by for lunch after church some Sunday?” I am extending an invitation to get to know the people better, but am suggesting (for whatever reason) that we do it at their home rather than mine. I do not feel that this is rude. Let me explain why.
Your house is not your own. It’s true, you know. Everything you have is a gracious gift of God and is given to you by God to be used for His purposes. This applies not only to your money but to your possessions. Your house is God’s. Just as we are expected to be faithful stewards of our financial resources, we are to be faithful stewards of our houses. And so I ask, when was the last time you allowed God to use your house to reach out to others? Do people feel welcome in your house? Do they feel that they can invite themselves to your house for counsel, fellowship or a couple of eggs they need to finish a birthday cake?
One of the highest purposes of Christians is to extend hospitality and friendship to others. I feel this will increasingly be a mark of followers of Christ. In a culture where individuals are becoming ever more individualistic and families are ever-more retreating into their own lives, Christians will be marked as people who graciously and cheerfully extend hospitality to others. Christian houses will be marked as being ones with open doors, where invitations are extended and expected. This is the type of house I grew up in. It is the type of house I have grown to love.
Your time is not your own. In the same way God gives us money and expects us to use it faithfully and wisely, He gives us time and expects us to use it in a way that brings honor to Him. We must not allow ourselves to become selfish with our time. We need to invest in others and make them feel that they are so important to us that we will give them of our precious time. Do people feel that they can presume upon your time? Do they feel that you are available to them if they have questions or concerns or if they need to learn how to use those eggs to bake that birthday cake? Or do they feel that to use your time is to cause you inconvenience and that you are hesitant to make time in your schedule for them?
Your home is not your own. In another recent article I differentiated between a house and a home to show what a thrill and what an honor it is that the Holy Spirit makes His home within us. “There is a difference between a house and a home, isn’t there? A newly constructed neighborhood not far from me advertises ‘homes beginning in the low 300’s.’ But they aren’t really selling homes, are they? They are selling houses. A house only becomes a home when a person lives in it and when it begins to take on the personality of the inhabitants. An empty house is just a shell. It is much like a dead human body. It is a body, but it is not a person.” A home is also a gracious gift of God. The gifts, personalities and talents of the various inhabitants combine to make a home what it is. All of these are given by God and He expects us to be faithful stewards of them.
Is your home open to others? Do you allow people not only past the door of your house but also in your home? Do you invite people into your living room, the formal room immediately beside the front door, or do you invite them into the kitchen where you can be less formal and extend more intimate hospitality? Do people feel they can come to your home only for formal Bible studies or can they come to your home for a personal chat or simply companionship? Do people feel they can drop by at a moment’s notice or do they wait to receive a formal invitation?
Here’s the rub. I just could not help but feel that in discussing this subject people were displaying an attitude that seemed to suggest that their home is their domain and that others do not have a right to presume upon it. I do not feel that this is a biblical attitude. Your house, your time and your home are not yours! They belong to God and ought to be fully surrendered to Him.
It is my hope that people feel they can invite themselves over to my home. I hope they feel that I am willing and eager to use my gifts and talents and time to bless them in whatever way I can. I hope people see that my house and my home and my life have an open door.
Comments (18) »
1. Candyinsierras
February 10, 2006
10:21 AM
It is interesting you bring this up. My husband and I have lived in a tiny apartment until recently. We visited his family in New Hampshire at Christmas and his 20 yr old son came back with us to start a new life, so to speak. We were sorta forced into getting a bigger place, which we wanted anyways (at the right time). We have fully given our home over to God’s will and pleasure. We would like to open it up for fellowship and bible studies. One added scary thing we have prayed about is this. We are willing to take in my elderly mother. It is scary cuz she is exhibiting slight dementia and repeats stories endlessly. She also is an alcoholic. I have been convicted about taking her in since I heard a message a year ago by Alastair Begg about taking care of our elderly parents. My husband and I, since getting married a year and a half ago, have led a peaceful quiet life. That will certainly change.
My husband and I are realizing the very things you brought up. We also realize that love is sacrificial and that God may use this opportunity to be a testimony to my mother in her remaining years. Our home belongs to God, and who knows how He will use it.
2. étrangère
February 10, 2006
10:41 AM
I’m inclined to agree with you, Tim. But from what you argue here, the mistake was yours in your original post: you posed a question about rudeness: i.e. transgression of politesse & social norms, whereas actually you seemingly meant to pose a question about applying Scripture for the loving transformation of social norms. We are to live not according to social norms of acceptability but according to the much higher standards of the resurrection life. This does not mean chucking the social norms out the window, but we can work in and around them, transforming them, to express - well in this case hospitality. I’d say that to a great degree it’s relative to a number of factors, some of which you’ve already mentioned. I’d be inclined to say it’s polite to give a reason why it’d be better than them coming round to your house.
A note on the cultural/counter-cultural side: I was told that here in Belgium, people don’t DO home hospitality (this was by an English lady in my church who had me round for dinner: she warned me to do my ‘getting to know ppl’ before & after the church service as people here don’t do hospitality). You don’t have friends round for dinner - you go out for dinner if you do something together (yes, this is the only country in the world whose own restaurants are so good and cheap that MacD’s is losing money). I really missed this at church - going round to people’s homes after a service, eating together, etc. But I’d resigned myself to it as the culture (unfortunately, having only a single room, it’s physically impossible for me to counter-culturally have ppl round myself). Then what do I know - the preacher in church on Sunday rebukes the church for lack of showing hospitality and encourages us to have one another round. Culture and transformation of culture…
3. david
February 10, 2006
10:55 AM
OK, Tim, I get it! When are you coming over?
Really, I do get it. I have never minded if someone says they would like to come visit. It actually happens fairly often.
It’s good to be reminded that our lives are not our own. We exist to serve God, and that includes being hospitable to his creatures. It’s really part of the great commission.
4. Coram Deo
February 10, 2006
11:12 AM
Since scripture tells us that EVERYTHING in the heavens and on the earth and under the earth belongs to the Lord who are we to argue. As for me and my house we will serve the Lord as Joshua said.
My wife and I have been blessed with a place to call home and recently we received an email about a man who is travelling to Ontario from Alberta to take a job in a Christian ministry. We felt led to offer our home as his home for the 6 weeks before he can arrange to move his family out.
We are not doing this for our glory and even as I write this post I am not comfortable sharing the story…humility, generousity and obedience should be the trademarks of those who deserved nothing more than judgement from the God yet by His grace have been delivered into the hands of His Son.
Our home is truly in a different place and the abode that God has given us here on earth is His to use as He sees fit.
5. Angela
February 10, 2006
11:27 AM
Amen, brother!
6. Dallas Pymm
February 10, 2006
12:19 PM
You are right Tim. We should take the fact that God owns it all and we are mere stewards to heart with everything we have. Including our home, car, money, time, and everything in between. That is why we should offer the things He has placed in our care to others. We should have people over and fellowship to keep our minds on our God who wants us to do so. Hospitality is a beautiful thing. We should be more willing to invite others into our lives and invest in them, and in relationships.
I agree with you Tim….to a point. Why not just invite them to your place. Set the example. Christian homes should be inviting homes. My wife and I’s marriage group is coming over to our place Sunday after Church. We switch off every so often to allow people a brake from driving so far, and to get to know each other even better by having them into our homes. We know we are welcome in any of our houses, and we know this because we all have invited, and been invited over.
God owns our homes. This is true, but can we tell someone else that because He does so they should have us over? We should take the first step and be the inviting party.
What dya think?
7. Pastor Mike
February 10, 2006
12:39 PM
I don’t post very often, but I am convinced that this is an important subject.
Acts 2:44-47: 44 And all those who had believed were together, and had all things in common; 45 and they began selling their property and possessions, and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. 46 And day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47 praising God, and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.
I am convinced that this first church, whose purity and simplicity stands as a beacon for all generations, was dedicated to hospitality to such an extent that it deeply affected the brethren and even the lost in their community ([they] were having favor with all the people). Their freedom from materialism enabled them to demonstrate, in a very real way, that they were strangers and aliens in this world. Such hospitality is absolutely counter-cultural. I must say that as a pastor, it has taken several years for our family to reach out to our neighborhood. Our culture is very isolationistic, and thus, when you knock on someone’s door, or invite them over in order to get to know them, this will seem strange to them; but I can assure you, that in time, people will begin to see your care and love for them; that is to say, the love of Christ in you.
It has taken some time, but there have already been a few occasions when some of our neighbors have subsequently invited themselves over to our home, and I must say that when this happened, we counted it as a great blessing to see that they would have that kind of confidence in us to do so - may Jesus Christ be praised! We are continually learning about how we can better open our home to others, and I can assure that we need to do more - thus we continue to pray for grace in these matters. With all this said, let me encourage the readers here to consider the principles found in Acts 2 where we see the earliest activities of the Spirit in the Jerusalem church. It is our family’s desire to be more and more like such brethren.
Well, I need to get back to work…
8. Blake Law
February 10, 2006
12:39 PM
Tim! thanks for, as usual, posting on the same issue I have been thinking about myself. I was just talking to my roommate last night about how sad it is that people would feel weird about knocking on each other’s door in the building to just talk and meet each other. I kind of feel weird NOT doing it!
and as far as not owning what is ours, I remember my old roommate used to borrow my clothes and other stuff without asking. Rather than make me upset over it, I actually felt complimented. by doing that, my roommate was letting me know that he knew I was the kind of person who would liberally let him use anything that was mine to the point he didn’t even have to ask. in fact, I loved it when he would do that.
9. Chelsey Karns
February 10, 2006
2:08 PM
Blake, Your comment really, really encouraged me. (And Tim, your post did as well!) There have been a lot of instances in the past several months when I’ve gotten really annoyed at my roommate and some friends for borrowing clothes, stuff, without asking… but they always return it, and they always wash it or whatever before they give it back. So really my only qualm is that they have something that is mine! How selfish of me.. and what a great reminder that it is a compliment, and really, a chance for me to extend the grace of God in some small way to someone else.
10. Jason
February 10, 2006
2:31 PM
Tim, Thank you for your thought provoking post! Personally, I tend to agree with David. With my close friends, I wouldn’t really hesitate to ask “Hey, can we come hang out over at your place this Friday?” But the reason for this is either (1) I have built solid relationships with them over a period of time and either one of us would feel free to invite ourselves over to the other’s home (or just stop by without even asking!), or (2) with some friends (especially those with young children) I know that it is often easier to stay at home and have people over than to pack everybody up, go to someone elses house, and then often have to cut the fellowship off early to come back home, give everybody baths and off to bed.
With people that I don’t know as well, for instance, someone new at our church or at work or whatever, I think it is more appropriate to invite them over to MY home. Often times, especially down here in the deep South, hosting people or having people over to visit often involves a sacrifice of time and money. Down here, most get-togethers involve food (especially the fried kind) and feeding alot of people (or just one other family) means purchasing more food and drinks, time preparing it, and then cleanup. I think that we can’t ignore our culture completely. What I mean by that is, down here it is definately abnormal for visitors to bring anything of substance (except maybe some desert or something) when going over to someone’s house. Some would even consider it rude to do so! And for a visitor to offer money to help defray the cost is simply unheard of. Most folks around here (wrongly you might argue) pride themselves on their hospitality and their ability to put visitors at ease. That being said, just inviting yourself over to someone’s house could put them in a bit of a fix, so if you want to get to know them better, just invite them over to your house. I do believe that anything we “own” is not ours, but God’s. However, just by saying that it is “not your house, but God’s” doesn’t mean that I can invite myself over to someone’s house that I hardly know. Because by doing that, I am basically saying “your house is my house” instead of “your house is God’s house.” Sorry for the rambling post!
11. Jim
February 10, 2006
3:43 PM
Although I agree that Christian households should be marked by hospitality. It really appears that your arguments justify you inviting people over to your house rather than you inviting yourself over to their house. This is somewhat culturally determined, however, as in many countries and some regions of the US people expect you to come visit on certain days although usually for drinks and dessert or snacks not dinner or lunch.
12. diablaazul
February 10, 2006
6:19 PM
I think étrangère and Jim raise very good points. It seems like the focus of your posts on this issue have been on what other Christians ought to think or do re: hospitality, which I’m not sure is helpful.
My feeling is, if there’s someone in the church I want to get to know, I should be the one to take the first step of opening my home to him/her. Of course, that person should also be practicing hospitality, but in such a case I think it would be unreasonable (and yes, rude) to presume upon the person’s hospitality and uncharitable to criticize them if they fail to respond as desired. With a close friend, of course, the situation is entirely different. I would feel free to invite myself over to the home of a close friend, and I would consider it my duty to (lovingly) confront a close Christian friend who does not practice hospitality.
13. violet
February 10, 2006
10:15 PM
I love this post! If only it were as easy to put into practice as it is to nod one’s head to.
14. Alan Davey
February 11, 2006
2:52 AM
Hey Tim. I agree that my house is not my own (especialy since it’s rented!) and my home is not my own - but they’re not yours either! So it is most certainly rude (at least in Britain) to invite yourself round for meal.
BUT any time you are in Bordeaux you have an open invitation to our home. There! Now you can ring us and tell us you are coming and it will not be rude.
15. Alan Davey
February 11, 2006
2:58 AM
p.s. since your reasoning holds for all possessions I’ll be using your car when I visit Canada. Could you sort out the insurance please? I’ll let you know when I come!
Aha! That doesn’t work. Canadians lend their cars, I am told. Brits don’t. NO WAY!
16. holmegm
February 11, 2006
6:31 AM
I have to throw my lot in on the “rude” side again.
You’re arguments are great for you offering your house. But I’m not sure that the Lord is exhorting us to demand generosity from other people …
17. holmegm
February 11, 2006
6:33 AM
Ahem … make that “Your”. :)
18. Noelle
February 11, 2006
6:31 PM
…weighing in on the hospitality issue:
Another great thing to do that doesn’t involve a lot of expense is to bring a “hostess gift” with you to show your appreciation…such as a simple flower arrangement (could be fresh from your garden), a house plant, a bottle of wine, etc.
The interesting thing about all of this is that once someone does it other people usually “catch it” and it starts to become more the norm and less of the exception.
“conversation” on this blog will hopefully get people thinking AND DOING things in a more biblical manner and it will be contagious! It definitely takes someone, anyone, to get the ball rolling, especially when it comes to something “different”.
It’s really amazing how it starts to “catch on”, though, because it really is a blessing to get to know people and have more than a superficial relationship with them and whatever that takes, is worth it.
Here’s to hospitality with a genuinely welcoming spirit! Noelle
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