Being Cast as Predators
Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope With Being Cast as Predators
Ted Wallis, a doctor in Austin, Texas, recently came upon a lost child in tears in a mall. His first instinct was to help, but he feared people might consider him a predator. He walked away. ‘Being male,’ he explains, ‘I am guilty until proven innocent.’” As awful as it sounds, I sympathize with this guy. As terrible as it might be to see a young child lost and alone, as a man in this society I feel like accusing eyes would be upon me were I to walk up to that child and offer to help. My instinct would probably be to look for an authority figure—a police officer or mall security guard—or a harmless-looking stranger, perhaps an elderly woman or a pregnant mom. These people could help the child without making others assume that they have evil ulterior motives.
Jeff Zaslow of the Wall Street Journal has written a couple of recent articles dealing with our society’s view of men as predators. They are well worth reading (Are We Teaching Our Kids To Be Fearful of Men? and Avoiding Kids: How Men Cope With Being Cast as Predators). He asks, “Are we teaching children that men are out to hurt them? The answer, on many fronts, is yes. Child advocate John Walsh advises parents to never hire a male babysitter. Airlines are placing unaccompanied minors with female passengers rather than male passengers. Soccer leagues are telling male coaches not to touch players.” An ad campaign for Virginia’s Department of Health features a picture of a man’s hand holding a child’s hand with these words plastered over it: “It doesn’t feel right when I see them together.” The message seems clear. “The implication is that if you see a man holding a girl’s hand, he’s probably a predator,” according to Marc Rudov who runs a father’s rights site.
Clearly there are going to be consequences to making people (and children in particular) fearful of men. “Fathers’ rights activists and educators now argue that an inflated predator panic is damaging men’s relationships with kids. Some men are opting not to get involved with children at all, which partly explains why many youth groups can’t find male leaders, and why just 9% of elementary-school teachers are male, down from 18% in 1981.” Children are beginning to be distrustful of men and society in general is becoming increasingly distrustful of men. Men, meanwhile, bear the weight of feeling like they are always on the edge of being accused of some deviant behavior. “The result of all this hyper-carefulness, however, is that men often feel like untouchables.” “While we don’t want sexual predators to harm our kids, we do want our kids to develop healthy relationships with adults, both men and women. Instilling a fear of men is a profound disservice to everyone.”
Here are a few examples of how this is working itself out according to the testimonies of men who responded to Zaslow’s articles:
In Cochranville, Pa., Ray Simpson, a bus driver, says that he used to have 30 kids stop at his house on Halloween. But after his divorce, with people knowing he was a man living alone, he had zero visitors. “I felt like crying at the end of the evening,” he says.At Houston Intercontinental Airport, businessman Mitch Reifel was having a meal with his 5-year-old daughter when a policeman showed up to question him. A passerby had reported his interactions with the child seemed “suspicious.”
In Skokie, Ill., Steve Frederick says the director of his son’s day-care center called him in to reprimand him for “inappropriately touching the children.” “I was shocked,” he says. “Whatever did she mean?” She was referring to him reading stories with his son and other kids on his lap. A parent had panicked when her child mentioned sitting on a man’s lap.
I’ll admit that I am of two minds about this. On the one hand I don’t want to feel (and don’t want my children to feel) that all men are perverts who are necessarily untrustworthy. At the same time, I have too often seen the harm done to children through predatory men. Though it may be the case that only the smallest percentage of men are predators, the fact remains that the great majority of predators are men. Early on in our marriage my wife and I established a couple of ground rules pertaining to our children (such as not allowing men or boys to babysit our children and being exceedingly cautious about sleep-overs). To use these seemed like common sense rules and not ones born out of a great fear of all men. We are cautious towards relationships between our children and other men, but rejoice when godly or otherwise concerned adults show a genuine interest in them.
I would be interested in hearing from the people who read this site to hear how you cope with these situations.
- Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
- Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
- Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
- For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child?
Comments (45) »
1. davidw
September 10, 2007
10:48 AM
Yes. But that would obviously depend on a relationship with the man. Some random male parent having all the kids over his house by himself so they could party? Not so much… An elder at the church, in conjunction with other leaders taking my kids to a concert interstate? Not an issue.
I work with a parent terrified that his kids are going to be damaged by some evil person if he does not control their every minute - including not letting them go to other people’s houses to play etc., Last week, at some hyper stringent day care he enrolled them in, the kid in question leapt off furniture and smacked his head into something hard, cutting his head open above the eye.
The point? No matter how dilligent, how vigilent we are with kids, they are living in a world where people get hurt and die. It’s true that we have a responsibility as parents to help them be safe, but this cocooning of children because of ‘potential’ danger that ‘could’ happen is crippling - both to parents and the kids. At some point this crosses the line from good parenting into paranoia and is more a statement on our lack of faith in the sovereignty of God than the wickedness of man.
No - but only because he is a bubblehead. Well, that and at the risk of being labelled a male chauvinist pig, I still think young women are much better served in this role. They are naturally better suited to it and I think it offers valuable insight into motherhood for them. Of course there are exceptions, but on the whole I am still a believer in roles for boys and girls. I wouldn’t make my daughter mow the lawn and I wouldn’t expect my son to be primary babysitter.
Again, the question is too broad. I’m not immediately freaked out at church if someone picks up a kid and gives them a hug. Some homeless guy at the park? Maybe so. Not because I know he is a predator, but because I don’t know what he is. It’s an inappropriate level of intimacy from a stranger - male or female. Given my role based bias above, a strange male is more likely to raise my heartrate than a strange female - but it was a woman that cut a baby from another woman’s womb recently. It was a woman seducing teenage girls into prostitution in the news last week.
Absolutely. At that point, the needs of the child must overrule any fear I have of people thinking anything about me. If they call mall security - so much the better. It gets help there faster. My question is, in a mall - what the heck is everyone else doing walking past the kid? If someone sees me helping a weeping child in obvious distress and wants to think I’m a perv - the problem is not with me, it’s with them. I’m well sure that the FBI could turn my life insight out and not find anything of concern - so why should I be afraid of the perverse thoughts of random strangers in a mall when I help a child they are obviously in a position to assist but have chosen not to. That, perhaps, upsets me more than them thinking I’m sick for stopping.
When we reach the point as a society that we care more about reputations amongst strangers than the genuine welfare of a kid (make no mistake, even if you leave the child, the real preditor WILL stop and help…), we need a pretty strong gut check.
2. Glenn
September 10, 2007
12:07 PM
Tim, A couple of years ago, someone directed me to a website, www.familywatchdog.com As a new parent, I was shocked by how many convicted felony sex offenders lived within a five mile radius of my home. Granted it was a metropolitan area. But my world was forever changed. Not longer after, a male clerk was arrested at my local video store and plead guilty for buying and distributing child porn (images in his personal collection numbered over 10,000) . At that time, I told myself I could never leave my child alone with a male sitter. Nor would I put my male teenager in a questionable position by allowing him to babysit other kids of no relation. I am offended if a man shows a friendly interest in my child without first speaking to me and allowing me to give some type of social ok via a small conversation or warm smile. if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? To this I respond a resounding yes! In light of the Parable of the Good Samaritan and the knowledge of how quickly a predator can act, I would feel obligated to help. Perhaps God had placed me there to help protect one of his innocent children. God forbid I didn’t help and a crime took place, I would feel as if I would bear the burden of guilt in whatever took place.
3. anya
September 10, 2007
12:29 PM
The familywatchdog site only lists those ‘convicted’ . There are many more that never are. We have seen quite a few sexual predators in churches in the news lately. One was a staff minister at Charles Stanley’s church. No one had ever told on him and he was able to go from church to church. He has never been convicted.
Another one was the minister of prayer at Bellevue Baptist Church. Years after he molested his own son, his son threatened to tell the congregation if he did not confess to the pastor. Ironically, the pastor did not fire him saying it was ‘under the blood’. He was able to stay for 6 months even enjoying a nice raise as a minister of prayer until the public found out. This was even though he was not allowed around his own grandchildren!
Oh, there are many more but the point is..let us clean up our own house first. None of the people in any of the churches thought they had anything to worry about. They did. I have seen too many instances where it was swept under the carpet at church.
And yes, if you should help the lost child at the mall. Because the other commenter was right…the predator will be sure to help. Besides that, what does it matter if you are falsly accused? So was Jesus. That is part of our burden of doing good.
4. Liz
September 10, 2007
12:40 PM
A coworker told me that, when her daughters were young, she never left them alone with male RELATIVES, other than their father. I was shocked by the fact that she even thought along those lines. I have four sisters and I don’t think we were ever socialized to fear men as predators.
Just have to ask davidw: If you wouldn’t make your daughter mow the lawn, is it because females aren’t “naturally suited” to push a vehicle? If so, then does that mean that females are unable to push a baby carriage? (I ask as a female who mows the grass, and whose neighbors do not make any of their children — of either sex — mow the grass! The hardworking father next door mows the grass even though he has several sons, each with his own car.) (Sorry, I don’t understand parenting these days.)
5. Michele
September 10, 2007
1:01 PM
We avoided male babysitters, and never allowed our son to babysit, mostly to protect him. If anyone ever misunderstood a touch or word and made an accusation it could ruin his life.
6. Jacob Douvier
September 10, 2007
1:14 PM
I am an unmarried guy, so my opinions are not tempered by the loving concern and wisdom of a wife. That said, I wouldn’t have a problem with a male babysitter. Given that I’m not going to call up some random person (guy or girl) to babysit, I don’t think I have much to fear. As to the second question, it would depend on the family he was babysitting for. If they were people my (future) family knew well, then I would not have a problem. I don’t have children, so I can’t answer 3. I will say that I get suspicious when random guys get friendly with my female friends and family, but that’s not quite the same thing. As to the last question, I would stop and help the troubled child. I’ve worked as a camp counselor for the last four summers. Once week of camp during my first summer, we had a mother ask to have her son moved to a different room. The reason? He was assigned to room with his camp counselor. Our camp director went out on a limb, and told the mother that he trusts his entire staff so much so that if he gave his young son to any of us and we walked off, he would not worry. The mother didn’t press the issue and her son stayed with the counselor. Ironically, the next summer, we began rooming staff with other staff at the behest of the camp’s insurance provider. My view of young, teenage men has also been influenced by working at camp. We get a lot of really high-caliber Christian high schoolers and I get to work with a lot of the older students. They are the kinds of guys that I would feel safe leaving my kids with.
That said, it is interesting to see a kind of double standard. WorldNet Daily has reported all kinds of stories about these female school teachers and their predator actions, but they always get the sympathy of the news networks.
On another note, there is a kind of cultural backlash against men in other ways. The typical tv show portrays men as these dumb creatures who can only think about beer, sex and pizza. At my camp, I’ve seen a lot of the girls say all manner of insulting things about the guys, who are going out of their way to serve them. How encouraged and excited would you be to step up and be a leader when you’re getting cut down?
7. laurie
September 10, 2007
1:14 PM
8. DavidW
September 10, 2007
1:24 PM
@ Liz
No, it’s not really a question of capacity. My daughter is well able both physically and mentally to mow a lawn (as my sons are to look after a sibling while a parent is out or occupied, cook a meal and run a vacuum cleaner etc.) so it’s really not a question of not being naturally suited.
Althought I’d maintain that my son is not so blessed with maternal instinct! So could my daughter strip the mower if she wanted? Sure. Would I stop her? Not at all. Would I insist that my wife makes my son’s bed because a woman was more naturally suited to that role? Only if I wanted to undergo severe bodily harm…
I do think it’s important that my kids are able to care for themselves. When my kids go to college or start leaving the house I definately want my girls to be able to change a tire and jump start the car. I already insist my boys know the nuances of colors vs whites and how to add bleach. But in honesty, if someone came to my house and said “David, I need one of your kids to mow Mrs Mcgillicudy’s lawn and one to care for baby Emma whilst Mr Slartybartfast has surgery this afternoon!” it’s unlikely I’d send Bethany to do yard work or Benjamin to care for the kid.
As I said, it’s a risk I take. I think they are both naturally more equipped to one over the other. Not that they cannot do it, or should not - but it’s a question of directing gifts where they are best employed. I am well aware that I will be thought of as mysogynist - and I can live with that :)
9. Blake
September 10, 2007
1:25 PM
Actually when I was in college but still living at home I was a 20 year old male babysitter. I have been a camp counselor for several summers, and I only babysitted for one family and for a 5 year old boy so I pretty much acted the same as I did when I was a counselor. I think that the background with camp helped the family to trust me a lot more, so I think it’s true that all these questions are relative to relationship. Another idea is something my wife did. When she was 12, a woman had her come to her home and this woman taught my wife how to babysit and do lots of things aroud the house. After a year, this woman had a trained, groomed, trusted babysitter. Honestly, when I think about whether a boy the same age could do this and I don’t think it would be that great for him just because I agree with David about roles for girls and boys.
10. Thomas Slawson
September 10, 2007
1:44 PM
This post really hit home with me. I’m a 30-year-old married male with one son of 19 months and have worked in youth ministry, children’s ministry, and have taught the sixth grade. God has placed on my heart a deep love for children and youth, but I have experienced first hand on a few occasions suspicious looks and glances.
It’s a difficult question. Satan attacks at the root it seems. Certainly, God has gifted men out there with particular gifts towards dealing with children. Certainly, children, I think boys in many ways especially, need healthy impressions of Godly men. So what does Satan do? He works calamity amongst a small minority so that the whole becomes the target of suspicion thus inhibiting real kingdom work.
I think there needs to be some common sense involved. Each of those four questions you have would be driven by context.
It depends. Do I know the guy? Do I trust him? Does he go to our church?
If he was responsible enough, yes.
Right now no, though it’s difficult to say because our son is 19 months old and cute as a button (yes I’m a biased father), so almost everyone takes interest in him.
I would, definitely, but I would probably try to get someone else involved also so that it is clear that I’m not in this myself. Usually, if I’m in a mall my wife is going to be with me, so that takes care of that. I would say if a guy is single, or by himself to simply speak to the child, don’t touch him or her, and immediately enlist the help of another. In a mall it would be very easy to walk into a shop and tell a store clerk to call mall security.
That’s my two cents.
11. julie
September 10, 2007
1:48 PM
I am all for being careful and taking wise precautions. But in the end, I agree with davidw - folks we live in a fallen world. No matter how careful we try to be, things can still happen. Even dads can abuse their children! Even dads in Christian homes. Let’s not think that we can totally and completely protect our children from every possible harm. Attempting this can make people (especially moms) a nervous wreck.
Instead, let us remember two things:
We are, every one, utterly dependent upon the Lord. We need Him to protect us and our children. We need His wisdom to parent wisely. And we need His grace to deal with whatever comes, in spite of our best efforts.
Secondly, please do not forget that your child’s greatest enemy is not “out there” - but “in here.” Their own hearts. Sometimes Christian parents are so careful to protect their children physically, but they totally overlook the fact that the child himself is a sinner! Yes, there are bad people out there. But, biblically, we’re all bad people! Don’t forget this as you parent your child. Don’t ever let them think that all the bad people are “out there.” The truth is we are all sinners in need of God’s forgiveness and grace in Jesus Christ.
12. holmegm
September 10, 2007
1:58 PM
I do think about this issue from time to time, because my children joined our family through adoption and look nothing like me. And my girls are very affectionate with me in public - though I suppose it helps that they usually scream “Daddy!” as they practically knock me down jumping up into my arms.
On the other hand, I wonder from time to time what might happen if one of them has a full blown tantrum with just me in public, and needs to be carried out to the car.
No.
Ironically, I babysat a couple of times for two little girls when I was single and in my early twenties. Their father was my shipmate in the Navy, he and his wife asked me to babysit, and so I did. In retrospect, I have no idea why he (and his wife!) were willing to ask me (they knew me pretty well, but still), and why I was crazy enough to agree. But it went fine and was fun, so no harm done.
Hmm. Probably not, just to avoid exposing him to the danger of false accusations.
Well, a strange man, yes. Then again, I’m eagle-eyed for any inappropriate interest in my children, from anyone. Normal friendly questions, chit chat, in safe settings; no, not so much.
Yes.
13. ReformedMommy
September 10, 2007
2:30 PM
I have a close family member who was abused repeatedly when young by her father; I was accosted myself at age 10 in a public library, and both my sister and I were accosted more than once on public transportation on the way to school. I now am the mother of 3 young girls, who have an adoring, trusting relationship with their daddy, and thus want to be equally affectionate with any man who’ve they’ve met more than twice. I live in the tension of the blessing and peril of these issues every day.
I remember several years ago when my husband and I needed to go out suddenly and the first reply we got back to our general email asking for babysitters was from two men in a discipleship relationship - 1 married and about to become a father, and 1 single and beginning to court his now wife. I was thrilled and encouraged at their desire to spend time with our girls as a way to learn first hand what they soon both were to do every day. (Perhaps had it only been 1 instead of 2 together I would have hesitated.) What made me sad and even angry was, when I mentioned the incident later to several women friends, they were horrified and indignant that I would have done such a thing. In my mind, this was tantamount to holding two men of excellent reputation under a cloud of completely unfounded suspicion, and I was hurt. Knowing this attitude is pervasive in the church as well as the world, I would agree that in most cases, it is as much about guarding the reputation of the man in question as it is the girls. Perhaps the scenario of two men together would be the only way that this would be truly safe for all concerned.
That being said, having had the experiences I’ve had as a girl, the most important thing we’re pursuing with our girls is proactively teaching them about the wonderful blessing of a relationship between a father and a daughter - they save the large portion of their hugs, kisses, etc. for him, and only give such things to others with our expressed approval (which we happily give for uncle, Papa, and some of the older saints at our church). In general, we feel this will serve them not only now in protecting them from adult predators, but also in years to come with same-age “predators” who have less evil but equally damaging intentions.
There is more - distinguishing between good secrets (birthday surprises) and bad (no description needed), and all these things take time and discernment. In the meantime, it’s also important not to be sucked in to worldly thinking which argues that women who have been violated in the ways the women in my family have are beyond emotional repair. The Spirit of God can and does heal the deepest wounds when we trust Him, and in doing so can bring about good and glory to His name.
14. GUNNY HARTMAN
September 10, 2007
3:13 PM
As a pastor this is an area of frequent concern and discussion.
As one who actually takes a monthly turn on Sunday nights volunteering in the toddler nursery, I’m often nervous about it, particularly changing diapers. In fact, in my life I have never changed a diaper for a child other than one of my own 4.
It may be a double-standard, but it would probably creep me out to know of a man changing my daughter’s diaper.
I did baby sit as a teenager, but times have changed a bit and I would probably discourage it for my son, unless it was all boys he was watching.
I hate that we view men with suspicion, but I think it’s an effect of the fallenness of our world and I’m not sure how it could be erraticated, especially with all the “seemingly” good men who have fallen in this area (e.g., clergy, assistant district attorney in our area, etc.).
15. Kelly
September 10, 2007
3:44 PM
I would, and I do. Our sitters include a family of teenage boys — brothers — who frequently come together, and a single man from our church, who is a close friend to my husband and I and an elder at our church. Our list of sitters also includes women from the church.
Our kids are all boys, and I like the fact that they have relationships with young men and older ones. The majority of the time that they spend with these men is in our presence, and we find their interactions with the kids praiseworthy. These men are obviously interested in maturing as men and future fathers, and seek to encourage our kids in growing in the Lord (and are very nice to offer us a night out once in a while).
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? That would depend on (a) how well I know the family he’s sitting for and (b) how responsible he is. I would most likely send more than one of them together, for the sake of everyone concerned.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? If he’s a stranger, yes. But I feel a similar way about women I don’t know, unless they have kids with them. It is a more acute feeling with men, however.
16. Anonymous
September 10, 2007
3:47 PM
What a great topic to bring up. As a twenty-year-old woman who loves working with kids, I have often noticed this trend and while, on the one hand, I am utterly thankful that people are taking precautions, on the other hand I am utterly thankful that I am a woman and not a man so that I am not constantly cast under suspicion!
It makes me think of my own childhood. I had a completely healthy relationship with my father. I think of everything that happened with my father my entire life with complete confidence in its appropriateness. He played the role of protector, causing me to feel safe when I thought of predators. And I think because every interaction I had with him was so very wholesome, I would have been even more aware of suspicious actions.
While it may be true that most predators are men, it is also true that women cannot necessarily play this role of protector as well as men can. So we should value that role of men, while continuing to be vigilant for the safety of children.
When kids have good, healthy relationships with the men in their lives, they are more likely to recognize unhealthy ones.
17. Larry Geiger
September 10, 2007
3:47 PM
I think, once again, that this is mostly a media thing. Most people, in real life, live normal lives very unlike what is portrayed in the media. Television people portray us as completely surrounded by a crowd of abusers and weirdos all of the time. They desire that we live in fear.
Of course, the circumstance makes a difference. Knowing that things sometimes happen in churches, still I never think about stuff like this in church. A strange park in a strange city and I will think about who my kids are talking to much more.
18. ChrisB
September 10, 2007
4:53 PM
Would you leave your children with male babysitters? If I knew the guy. Probably with a nanny-cam.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? If I knew the family.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? Not usually.
For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? Probably. I’m probably also too friendly with the other kids at daycare.
19. Matt
September 10, 2007
6:17 PM
Would you leave your children with male babysitters? No Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? No Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? Not necessarily, but I am quick to investigate everything I can about the man’s background For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? Yes, would be overcome with pity, probably wouldn’t think twice.
I think that much of this “paranoia” stems from the sensationally awful circumstances surrounding recent abductions. Concerning the father having a meal with his daughter, it tragically sounds like the beginning of the horrible stories you see on tv. I know I’m much more aware of what I observe in this context. It’s trite. But better safe than sorry.
20. wfseube
September 10, 2007
7:02 PM
Frankly, I am stunned by what I am reading here. People think it’s OK to discriminate against males because of what is in the news? Is it OK to discriminate against blacks because there are so many in prison? Or against middle-easterners because there are so many terrorists out there? What percentage of males do you think are molesters? It is infinitesimal.
When my kids were young (5-7 years ago), we had male babysitters and female babysitters. I never thought twice about such things. Most people don’t just recruit babysitters off the street - they check their credentials and references. That is a natural and expected precaution. I cannot fathom being so fearful about molestation that I would simply exclude males from consideration.
My sons are mid-late teens, and both do babysit on occasion. I’ve never thought once about the possibility of any issues. They are trustworthy, and I wouldn’t allow them to sit for someone who I didn’t also trust.
Do you homeschool your kids to keep them from being abused by female teachers? After all, aren’t all female teachers molesters? Just look at the list. Isn’t that enough evidence to lock your kids up and never allow them to go to school?
There’s a fine line between precaution and paranoia. It seems perhaps that society has crossed that line. I have no desire to live in a country/world where I have to barricade my door and lock up my children because I am so fearful that something might happen. There are many risks in life, and it is impossible to completely protect one’s self from every possibility. I just trust that God will protect my family and me from the horrid things that cound possibly occur.
21. linda
September 10, 2007
7:30 PM
Would you leave your children with male babysitters?
I have and would again in the future. Ben the teenager who lived across the street from us when we moved into our home. Was an amazing playground pal, he taught our oldest son to shoot baskets and was the object of our three year old daughters crush. He’s now a pediatric neurologist….and he’s still the kind man who babysat for us.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
Again…..I have and will……our sixteen year old son babysits for his three year old twin sisters. Joe reads a mean story….and no one plays tag better.
Honestly…..how sad that you even feel a need to ask these questions. Men and women…….Boys and girls bring different gifts to the table, how sad would it be not to allow our children to appreciate both.
For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child?
As a wife and mother…..I’d be upset if my DH or sons did not help a child standing alone in a mall.
22. Will Lee
September 10, 2007
7:53 PM
When I was serving as a youth pastor I had to deal with two of these issues, one of which was very, very difficult. As a result, my wife and I are particularly sensitive to this problem. I agree that it is unfortunate that men are viewed in this way, but I disagree that it is “discriminatory” (as one commentator above portrayed it) to be cautious. I want to be neither naive nor overly cautious, but when it comes to my son and daughter-to-be, I would much rather be overly cautious than naive. So, to answer your questions:
Would you leave your children with male babysitters? No. My wife and I decided long before our son was born that this would be the case. Some of our best friends have watched our son for us several times, but no matter how dear they are to us, and no matter how much we trust them, we would not leave our son alone with the male not only for our son’s sake, but also for our friend’s sake. All it takes is one accusation.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? Well, he’s not a teenager yet. But if he were right now, no. Again, only one accusation. It’s the same reason that I had a very strict personal rule as a youth pastor: I would never, ever be alone with one of the teen girls for any reason; not in a car, not in my office, not at the church, no where.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? Yes. Again, I would rather be thought of as overly cautious than to be naive.
For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? Yes I would, carefully. I would probably try to immediately enlist the help of a female passerby.
By the way, I live in VA. I’ve seen the billboards. I appreciate them.
23. wfseube
September 10, 2007
8:10 PM
Discrimination is defined as treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit: (dictionary.com). The decision to not use a male as a babysitter is a consideration based solely on the fact that they are male, not because that particular individual is a molester. It is no different than me refusing to hire a black because I might fear they will be (insert offense here).
Not using males as babysitters because some males are molesters is most certainly discrimination. If I was an employer at a restaurant, store, or any other business and I refused to hire red-headed females because some red-headed females are quick-tempered, I’d be sued so fast your head would spin. But we are not “employers” per US (or other) laws. We can hire whoever we want as babysitters, so I’m not saying we’re breaking the law. But we have no right to complain about discrimination against Christians or blacks or women or anyone else if we are willing to do exactly the same.
24. Carla Rolfe
September 10, 2007
9:57 PM
A very timely piece, and most interesting comments so far. It’s a tricky situation isn’t it? On the one hand, many will say that the mood in our countries (US and Canada) is fueled by the media, and it’s really “not that bad”. On the other hand, you have sites like the one posted earlier in this thread that allow you (in the US) to check for registered sex offenders at any given address, and you see just how many live in your very own neighborhood. Most of which, are men. If you’ve never looked at one of those sites, it might shock you to do so. That isn’t media fanning any kind of paranoia, those are the cold, hard facts of the world we all live in.
In the world we live in, these things do happen, happen a lot more often than any of us care to think about, and are predominantly cases involving men. That’s just the way it is, and what we all have to deal with in the best, most Biblical way we know how, by His grace. It’s not easy, either.
Would you leave your children with male babysitters? Likely not. Not because of any kind of fear that they’d take advantage of my kids, but simply because I believe a female babysitter is more accustomed to detail & nurturing. Girls and women are just more naturally suited to tend to children. With that said however, if we knew of a young man that was good with kids and needed babysitting work, we’d certainly keep him in mind. While females are generally better suited to care for children, there are males too who are genuinely blessed with a gift for working with kids, and we (as believers) should encourage that.
Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children?
My only son is just 7 years old, so this is a question to be answered in several years. However, when he is older if this is something he’d like to do, then I don’t see any reason not to encourage him to persue that.
Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children?
That all depends on the situation. If it’s a stranger then yes, it does make me a bit nervous - whether it comes from a man or a woman. I can only guess that part of this stems from being a product of this era, and the other part is simply my “mother bear” in wanting to protect them from any kind of unwanted attention. Kids need to be protected, I think we’d all agree to that.
25. candyinsierras
September 10, 2007
10:30 PM
I agree mostly with Carla about the cold hard facts of life. I have worked extensively with at-risk kids and have received much training in the area of how perpetrators work and infiltrate. One easy way is in the Church. Perps groom kids and their parents to get to a place of trust. They will have parties for kids, go to dinner at the parent’s home, get to know families really well, and basically bide their time. They know Christians want to be trusting. Many perps get jobs as youth counselors, youth group leaders, day care workers, etc. It doesn’t help that the media helps perpetuate the idea of adults and kids having inappropriate boundaries with each other. I remember years ago when I didn’t have a tv and one of my relatives was watching Saturday Night Live. The skit was about an “uncle” babysitting his “nieces” and wanting their underwear, looking up their dresses, and basically uttering sexual innuendo’s. This was on prime time tv in the early 1980’s. I was appalled. It has gotten much worse with the internet and other avenues. I would never allow a kid to sleep in the same room as one adult counselor. Adults should always deal with kids with another adult present for the most part, especially in youth groups, camp situations, parties, etc. Of course there are exceptions, and we do want our children to have healthy trusting relationships with adult males. Just err on the side of caution or you may find one of your kids telling you someday about an experience they had as a child. It happens quite often you know.
26. Lisa
September 10, 2007
10:33 PM
When our kids were young we always chose to have female babysitters as a protection for our children (4 out of 5 are girls). And, when we got back home I was always the one who took the sitter home. We were never willing to put my husband in a situation where he might be harmed by even a hint of accusation from a teen girl. It would’ve ruined too many lives so the risk was never worth it. Along those same lines, as a girls soccer coach, he never gave any of his players a ride home in the car unless our daughter was also in the car. Sad state of affairs on all sides.
27. agrigal
September 11, 2007
12:06 AM
My mother was molested once by a favorite uncle as a child. So she was very protective of me growing up. You don’t have to explain why your child can’t go stay at a certain house. Just say “no.” That’s what my parents always did with me and I didn’t end up with a fear of all men. Sometimes I thought they were mean and unreasonable for not letting me go. It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that my mother explained to me why she said “no” sometimes. I praise God for wise, caring parents.
28. Shannon
September 11, 2007
12:30 AM
Interesting questions. It’s a shame our society requires this caution, but it does. We don’t cast all men as predators, but at the same time, we would be foolish parents to disregard the statistics.
No, I would not leave my children with a male babysitter (except for their grandfather or uncle). And our family system for what to do if anyone gets lost in a store is to “find a grown up woman—not a man—and tell them your name and that you need help finding your parents.”
It’s so sad, really.
29. Susanna
September 11, 2007
3:26 AM
I definitely will always take the safe route and never leave our children with a male babysitter.
On the other hand, I think you can tell a great deal about the caliber and trust worthiness of a man by his marriage. If a married man is happy in his marriage, loves his wife in a manner that is obvious BOTH inside and outside of the church doors, shows through his actions that he cherishes her as well as his own children, etc, then I think it is safe to say he is low risk for being a child predator.
30. ChrisB
September 11, 2007
9:27 AM
OK, we’ve addressed whether we trust men with our kids. The next question that should be asked is whether the Church as a whole or Christians as individuals can and/or should do anything about this perception that all men are dangers to children.
Personally, I would be irate if someone accused me of doing something improper because I took my daughter to McDonalds. How do we get rid of this prejudice of seeing all men as potential molesters?
31. R.W. Robart
September 11, 2007
10:26 AM
Hi Tim & all,
This is a sad state that we find ourselves in. My wife and I bought Wendy Shalit book Girls gone Mild and are reading through it. I find it a bit ironic that, as Wendy points out, we are dressing younger and younger girls sexier and sexier and yet are horrified that more and more men are becoming child molesters. As men we are told over and over again that we can not control our sexual desire and at the same time we sell short shorts with “juicy” written on the back of them to our 10 year olds… What do people think is going to happen? Until Christ returns there will always be child molesters, but let us pray that our girls will return to modesty, that all men will no longer be looked at as sex addicts with no control, and that by God’s grace our children will be safe. For He is the only One who can keep them safe, no matter how much we try as parents we can not.
Blessings
32. CBM
September 11, 2007
8:06 PM
There is an interesting difference between those of us with older (late teens, early twenties) male children and those with young male children. The parents of younger children are protecting their children from a faceless male “pervert”, where as that potential “pervert” has a face and a name, our sons’.
On another note, in our case the female babysitters were hardly nurturing. We paid them to talk on the phone and watch inappropriate TV shows with our sons, while the male babysitters took them outside to play wiffle ball, roller blade, and go on bike rides to the local park/playground. I am grateful we didn’t need sitters all that often and that we had the sense to hire the two boys we did when the girls bombed one after the other.
I really dislike virtue and vice being assigned by sex. It can be dangerously naive as well has nastily bigoted. But then again, I’m a lot older than many of you here and am getting a little cynical when it comes to blanket pronouncements.
33. DLE
September 11, 2007
10:56 PM
A story from the other side:
I worked in Christian camping ministry for several years, all the way from counselor to camp manager. Many people had noted this calling on my life. I loved camping ministry very much. Not only had I come to Christ through camping ministry as a young teen, but others had come to know Christ through my own time in camping ministry.
God opened a door for me to get a full scholarship as an older student to go to Wheaton to get my Christian Education degree. I wanted to use it in camping.
While I was at Wheaton in the early 1990s, the first wave of Catholic priest scandals involving child molestation came to the surface. Obviously, this dropped bomb made everyone nervous.
When I graduated from college at the top of my class with nearly every honor possible, I took my extensive résumé and gold -plated references from some of the top names in Christian camping and immediately hit a brick wall. I was nearly 30 and still single, plus I would be working with children. That was all most every camp needed to say no.
What had been an easy profession for me to work in suddenly closed tighter than a sealed drum. For two years I searched. I had interviews where I was told I would surely have been hired if I had not been a single man. The stories I could tell of nasty things said to me and horrible treatment at the hands of fearful fellow Christians would make you weep. I eventually abandoned what I so hoped to do because of other people’s fears and blanket condemnations.
A few years later, I interviewed for a youth ministry position. The call committee really liked me and it was clear I was the prime candidate. When we started discussing needs, I noted that I thought the youth minister’s office and the youth room needed to be altered. Both had no windows, and I thought this a very bad idea. I explained why. I said that for safety reasons (mostly to protect me from false accusations—we’ve all heard the horror stories, right?) I wanted people to always be able to see inside the rooms.
See, I tried to be proactive on stemming that fear. The problem with this group was that such fears had never entered their heads. Immediately, the great atmosphere turned cold and what seemed like a sure thing vanished in a puff of smoke. They never spoke to me again. They hired someone else. And you can just guess what happened to that poor guy. Some teen girl accused him of something, he got tarred and feathered, his reputation ruined, and only after all the damage had been done did the girl confess she’d lied about the whole thing to get back at him over some stupid slight she felt.
Thank God I didn’t get that job (though I grieved for the other guy).
There is no fear in love, the Bible says. It also says the Holy Spirit is to give testimony to Truth, not fear. Yet when we fall prey to the world’s fears and do not listen to the Holy Spirit for discernment, all sorts of good, decent people get hurt as a result. I know; my camping career went up in smoke because of other people’s baseless fears.
I’ve been married for a long time now and have a child of my own, but I still miss camping and wonder what might have been if other people had listened to the Spirit rather than let the Enemy blind them to the Truth.
34. DLE
September 11, 2007
11:04 PM
BTW, one of the Wall Street Journal stories notes the following:
Children who die of physical abuse are more often victims of female perpetrators, usually mothers, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
You won’t see that billboard plastered all over the place, now will you?
35. wfseube
September 11, 2007
11:05 PM
CBM, you pegged it with two statements:
The parents of younger children are protecting their children from a faceless male “pervert”, where as that potential “pervert” has a face and a name, our sons’
Same here. My 17-yr-old son and my 14-yr-old son have both babysat, and they loved it, and the kids loved them. And the same went for when they were ‘sat by boys vs. girls - the boy sitters were far more successful and fun for my sons.
I really dislike virtue and vice being assigned by sex. It can be dangerously naive as well has nastily bigoted. But then again, I’m a lot older than many of you here and am getting a little cynical when it comes to blanket pronouncements.
Exactly. Guess I’m probably older also…and definitely cynical.
36. Carol Blair
September 11, 2007
11:07 PM
Attorney Voyle A. Glover has written a book entitled “Protecting Your Church Against Sexual Predators,” and it is “must reading” for those in church leadership. Much in the book is applicable to this discussion. From the back cover: “They sit in our pews. They come to our church picnics. They may even teach Sunday school or serve on a committee. They are sexual predators, and no church or ministry is immune to the devastating effects of child sexual abuse and the resulting litigation.” Mr. Glover has a great deal of experience in church legal issues, and this book is a “wake-up call” to church leaders today about the proliferation of child molestation in churches. All churches. The book’s purpose is to encourage watchfulness and the implementation of church-wide safeguards for the protection of not only children but also the adults, as well as the reputation of the Church and the name of Christ. The author offers jarring facts, statistics, and horror stories. The extensive appendix includes a children’s worker application, a list of questions to ask references, a consent form for volunteer workers, a list of questions to ask a former church, a tips sheet for outings and trips, and much more. Here are some specific suggestions, culled from throughout the book: As a general rule, male teens and adult men should not work in the nursery or with small children. All children’s workers (including women) should be screened, and background checks—-available easily and cheaply on the internet—-are a worthwhile investment. All rules and guidelines should be put in writing and should be announced from the pulpit at least once a year. On a church bus or van, no male teen or adult male should sit in the same seat with a child not related to him, and an adult woman should sit alone in the back, with an unobstructed view of all passengers at all times. However, there is one area where, surprisingly, the author is shockingly lax. He recommends that the church not sponsor sleepovers at anyone’s home, but rather have sleepovers at the church instead. I strongly disagree. The church should sponsor NO sleepovers of ANY kind at ANY location. There is simply too much risk of evil.
37. Alex
September 12, 2007
12:38 AM
Interesting post Tim,
I’m a guy in my early 20’s and i’ve served in Children’s ministries at our Church. I also have a sister who is much younger than I and see the need to protect and use discernment in all situations (i know i’m not a parent but I feel that I have some understanding of where parents come from). But automatically assuming that every male is a sexual predator is not discerning (this is what I think). Is this statement unwise? Is it unwise to serve in Children’s ministry at church if you are a guy, does it bother parents? I’d like to hear some thoughts on that.
38. Philadelphian Christian
September 12, 2007
11:41 AM
There’s an enormous fallacy with the whole “Men as predators” mantra: what percent of male sexual offenders violated their own children? If it’s a high statistic, should we then disallow fathers to spend time alone with their children? It’s a ridiculous notion. There’s a world of difference between exercising common sense safeguards (i.e. instructing your kids about inappropriate touching and avoiding situations where they’re alone with an adult) and being automatically suspicious of men.
Yes, if he was married and I was leaving my kids with his kids. If it was a single adult male, I would have to have known him for a very very long time and I still wouldn’t use him unless my daughter was old enough to verbally understand inappropriate touching.
Yes, if my relationship with him was healthy, with a healthy level of honest communication, and he was strong in his faith. I wouldn’t let him babysit if it was just one child, only groups of children, and I would make sure he understood even then to avoid being alone with any one of them.
When its men I know, of course not. The only time I would be nervous is if it was a man I do not know.
Yes, but I would only stay long enough to notify the proper authorities. I would not place myself in a situation where I’m alone with the child. If people will look at me funny, so be it— helping the child is more important than the fear of man.
39. David Brainard
September 12, 2007
11:50 AM
Tim, I have your Blog e-mailed to me daily and am often blessed by it. However, this post I found most disturbing and sad. To establish an across-the-board rule of not allowing a man to babysit your children, and then calling that rule common sense, breaks my heart. You see, I am a man of 65 and have been working, serving, and ministering at a Day Care for more than six years. And now, my nineteen year old Grandson is also working at our Day Care while he’s attending collage. I usually care for babies, however, I have worked in all of the other classes and love all of the kids. My Grandson serves in the Young Toddler room and is all the kids hero! He has so many offers to babysit that he has to turn some of them down. I believe I have had a positive influence on the babies I have loved and cared for, and I know that caring for babies and children has been life and spirit changing for me. In fact, what I learned by caring for babies and children helped me greatly when, three years ago, I cared for my dying, beloved wife. There is so much more that I could say concerning this subject, but, I’ll close with this question: Should we, as children of the burning heart and believers of God’s sovereign control over our lives and the universe adopt the same fears as our culture? Mr Dave
40. Brendt
September 12, 2007
2:55 PM
Just don’t try to find that authority figure in Fayetteville, GA ;-)
41. wfseube
September 12, 2007
11:41 PM
Every time I read this thread, I go away seething. By the logic displayed here by those who would practice discrimination against males, we should be rounding up blacks and segregating neighborhoods to prevent crime. After all, blacks commit crimes at 4-8x the rate of whites, and are 250x as likely to commit crimes against whites. But we don’t do that, do we? We don’t just assume that every black person is a hardened criminal - because they are NOT. A small percentage of them are criminals, just as a tiny percentage of males are molesters. Yet many seem to believe it’s perfectly fine to brand all males with a scarlet letter because of the minuscule possibility that they might be bad people.
Unbelievable.
42. Rose
September 12, 2007
11:57 PM
We may seem careless but I have decided against letting my kids go into other people’s house unless I know them really well because of risk to them from family members or guests. I think that these situations should really be handled with a lot of discernment. For the people that would not hire a male babysitter, are you OK with male Sunday school teachers? What about youth leaders. Should men be cut off from all ministry to children? I think that we need to evaluate people carefully and really get to know them before we place them in roles of trust. I just think that it’s rather sad to exclude all men from certain roles because a small percentage of men are disgusting.
43. Zach
September 13, 2007
11:34 AM
44. Tom
September 14, 2007
12:30 AM
I would like to offer some personal experience and open advice to those that try to define the requirements of stated questions.
I have got two fantastic and beautiful daughters [4 and 10] and can feel my heart beat faster at the thought of them being unjustly hurt in any way.
It is not religion as such that gives me strength and belief in the future, but more something that I have been working on together with my wife, as well as with our girls. It’s called - simply put - “TRUST YOUR GUT FEELING”
With this simple self-recognizing acknowledgment of the innate instinctive wisdom of our gut, it becomes possible to deal with an uncomfortable situation.
Am I making this up? No. We read the book “Protecting the Gift” from Gavin De Becker. [rest assured we read plenty more about this subject] Link: https://www.gavindebecker.com/books-ptg.cfm This book almost reads like a manual for parents to protect our children, and their innocence, without compromising their safety nor their natural ability to grow and discover the world on their own terms. Anytime this kind of topic of concern surfaces, I will tell my friends this is not a book they should check out. I PRESS on them that they HAVE to read this book.
Now, to quickly answer those questions: 1. Would you leave your children with male babysitters? If my gut feels right: yes If my gut doesn’t feel right: I won’t be able to, nor do I need to explain it to him, but “no” 2. Would you allow your teenage boy to babysit other children? To help the other parents with this, I would try to meet and see how they felt about it. 3. Are you immediately hesitant or nervous when a man shows friendly interest in your children? I listen to my gut. It has happened - and we acted accordingly. No questions or intellectual reasoning needed. 4. For the men: if you saw a child standing alone and crying in the mall, would you stop to help the child? Yes - a child in need overpowers all other social fears.
Best wishes and good fortune to all of our children. Tom (Mr. Fisherprice they used to call me - since when I play with the kids, I don’t break and my batteries never run out)
45. Andrew
September 14, 2007
1:53 AM
I’m still young, and have to say that some of the craziest-partying kids in college I met were the sheltered Christian ones. Many of them never developed the tools they needed to deal with a whole range of social situations and decisions. A few had what I consider “balanced” lifestyles, as in very-moderate drinking habits, a romantic relationship with clearly defined boundaries, and an open-minded approach to others. About as often as not I found other Christian students belonged to either anti-social or binge-drinking extremes.
In my opinion, the focus of many youth Christian groups has become a little simplistic, defining sin as more of a superficial lifestyle choice than something deeply personal and omnipresent. I think this goes along well with the rise of right-wing Christian organizations (not all of whom are bad) and the prevalent “Jesus-is-your-personal-life-coach” mentality (which puts the ego in front of community). I also find Christian mens groups to be stifling. Men are certainly in trouble these days, but I think subscribing ourselves to more cookie-cutter roles is not the answer we need.
Getting back to the point though, I had a bad experience with a female babysitter when I was 6. The event didn’t scar me for life or anything, but it did make my parents more than a little more careful about who they hired afterwards. Even then though, I have to say I am glad I had a certain amount of leeway when I was a kid, I had a lot of bumps and scrapes, but overall I gained from it.