Celibacy is for the celibate. That is a succinct summary of Debbie Maken’s argument in Getting Serious About Getting Married. This book represents a new movement but old movement within the Christian world to re-examine what the church believes on the issues of marriage and singleness. Singleness, we are told, is a gift of God. But, Maken asks, “if singleness is a gift, then why does it make us feel so miserable so often? Does God really want his children to embrace a gift they resent so much?” Single herself for many years, the author reflects on her long-term singleness and her eventual understanding that marriage and singleness are not equal options.
In this book, Maken argues that the church has, in many ways, absorbed our culture’s increasing rejection of marriage. Well-meaning but misguided pastors and leaders continue to feed this view by insisting that God regards singless as a special vocation, a unique and godly calling. Relying in particular on Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, they teach that Paul himself, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, advocated singleness. While Maken’s interpretation of this passage is not as sound as I might have liked (she argues, for example, that the “I, not the Lord” refers to Paul giving a personal opinion), she shows quite satisfactorily that Paul was not advocating singleness in favor of marriage. Rather, Paul was advocating the gift of celibacy, a spiritual gift that is given to only a few or advocating a temporary delay of marriage during times of intense difficulty or persecution.
And this is where the church has made a serious error. The church has somehow determined that singleness and the gift of celibacy are one and the same. Not so, though, according to Maken. Singlessness is most often a choice or a circumstance, whereas celibacy is a gift of God that, like any spiritual gift, is to be used to His glory. Christian singles often try to console themselves by believing that they have been called to special service to God through their singleness. “Most deliberately single people I have met (people who choose to be single on purpose—usually men) often justify their status by pointing to some sort of pet ministry project on the side. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not against ministry projects at all. But people are generally not set apart to singlessness to build Habitat homes, serve once a month at the soup kitchen, or take a missions trip for a week or two each year. All those things can be done with a family—in fact, they can even be done with a family in tow.”
The biblical criteria for lifelong singleness are tough. “The Bible requires voluntarily and permanently renouncing marriage and all that goes with it. As 1 Corinthians 7:37 says, it requires one who is ‘firmly established in his heart’ and is determined to engage in a task that is clearly unaccomodating to family life, a task for the sake of the kingdom of God.” Biblical singleness is hard and requires that a person give up dating, sex, and marriage in order to have a wholehearted committment to a special type of service to God. If a person is not called to this type of singleness, he or she is called to marriage. “There is no middle ground.” A person who earnestly and passionately desires to be married and to have sexual relationships (both good, natural, God-given desires) simply is not called to be single. The Bible provides no category for people who casually date for years or decades while never committing to marriage.
This view is hardly new, but is the understanding that was held by the Reformers and by most Protestants until only a few decades ago. Many do not know that the Westminster Larger Catechism lists, as one of the things forbidden by the Seventh Commandment, the undue delay of marriage. In some Christian communities, singleness was regarded as abnormal and even as a crime! And yet, in our day, this has radically changed.
Where does the blame for this lie? Maken points the finger at men, saying that the true cause of protracted singleness is the lack of male leadership. She points to television shows such as Seinfeld, Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond, all of which glorify a type of perpetual bachelorhood or a weakened male role in the home. She shows that many men are refusing to grow up, but are living a second childhood even into their thirties and forties. “I believe there are three main factors behind the dearth of leaders: an education system that allows and promotes indefinite schooling, a lack of leadership in the home, and a lack of leadership within the church.”
As for the rest of us, Maken says this: “Instead of moving toward marriage unless God calls us otherwise, single women (and men too) have been taught that it is better to say single unless God orders marriage. We have it totally backwards! God already ordered marriage in Genesis. Marriage is the norm God established from the beginning. Marriage is what we’re to pursue unless God specifically calls us to remain single.”
Maken spends several chapters dealing with the conflicting messages, emotions and beliefs about singleness. She looks at the sovereignty of God in singleness, along with several common exhortations that singles have become accustomed to hearing: “wait on the Lord,” “Jesus is all you need,” “being single = knowing and serving God better,” “single = celibate,” and “you need to be the right person to meet the right person” (I would suggest that I am living proof that this is not true! If Aileen had to wait for me to become just the right person, she would be waiting still!).
She concludes with several chapters proposing ways that singles, and women in particular, can find a spouse. She exhorts Christians to reject the dating game and to only form relationships with a potential spouse who is also interested in getting married. She suggests that women should enlist agency in their relationships, most often relying on a parent or a more mature Christian for advice and mediation. And finally, she exhorts men to rediscover biblical manhood and to reclaim the leadership roles God created them for.
Dr. Albert Mohler says of this book that it is “a must-read for all Christian young adults—and for all who love them.” I am inclined to agree with Dr. Mohler. While I was not taken with all of Maken’s arguments, I do believe that she is generally correct. God has given us marriage as the normative estate. Unless a person has a clear calling to celibacy, he or she should pursue marriage. And this leads us to a place where the book may fall short. How many single men and women have sought marriage but have been unable to find a spouse? What of those for whom things just never seem to work out? There is little counsel for this type of person.
Still, small problems aside (including the obligatory mention of Mother Teresa as a pinnacle of Christian virtue, something that authors really need to stop), this is a good book and one that brings a biblical perspective to what is surely a thorny, emotional issue.
Comments (39) »
1. r10b
March 13, 2006
12:37 PM
Is 1 Cor. 7 really saying what Maken says it does? I think she’s reading alot into Paul’s statements to make them into a positive pro-marriage argument. She is implying that all the many things Paul does NOT say are as important as the few things he does.
When did “normative” become equalivant to “commanded but for rare exceptions?”
2. Angela
March 13, 2006
12:56 PM
This sounds like an interesting book, but as a single female there just isn’t much I can do about being single if I am going to stay within the role God gave me as a woman. I don’t think I could read this book because it would just make me frustrated! (Just reading this post made me frustrated!) Of course I want to be married and want to fulfill this mandate. I definitely don’t have the gift of celibacy. But I there’s nothing I can do about being single and I am sure others fall in this same category. I guess it is just the mystery of God. It also shows me that guys really need to step up (again, not something I can’t do anything about). I also agree that shows like Everybody Loves Raymond are terrible and present a poor view of marriage and the role of husbands.
3. Bibliomaniac
March 13, 2006
1:15 PM
Tim said, “…including the obligatory mention of Mother Teresa as a pinnacle of Christian virtue, something that authors really need to stop.”
Couldn’t help but smile when I read this. You’re right.
4. Frank Martens
March 13, 2006
1:46 PM
My frustration is in the lack of proper teaching from the pulpit to single men and women on what are the correct things to look for in a man or woman (respectivly).
I don’t know how to phrase what I’m about to say the best way but here goes…
While I know there’s a lot of room to be said about how relationships work out and whom men and women choose to date. I feel that there are too many agenda’s in the wrong direction on who each man or woman chooses to date.
For me to say all that I wish to say would take up too much, but that pretty much summerizes my thoughts.
Cheers
5. Dallas Pymm
March 13, 2006
1:55 PM
As a young married man I get angry when some of my young non married counterparts try and tell me that they are happy to be single because they can do more for God. I find this rather insulting being that God has designed marriage to specifically glorfiy His love and sacrifice for is His church.
What in scripture can seriously lead to this conclusion?
I am being serious. Anyone want to comment?
6. Frank Martens
March 13, 2006
2:06 PM
Dallas,
Based off of this verse people say that (which I believe to be taken out of context or quoted too flippantly)….
1 Corinthians 7:8…
“To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. “
7. Tim Challies
March 13, 2006
2:25 PM
Dallas - I’m with you. Those who remain single should definitely not denigrate those who get married! As the author of this book says (and I agree with her), the only people who say what your friends say, are people who have the gift of celibacy and have committed to never pursue a romantic relationship with a woman. To claim what they are claiming while still desiring to be married seems to be missing the point.
8. r10b
March 13, 2006
2:54 PM
Dallas said: What in scripture can seriously lead to this conclusion?
Maybe the conclusion is not based on scripture but practical experience.
9. Ellen
March 13, 2006
4:16 PM
Maybe there are a few single folks out there that resent the treatment they get from other Christians more so than they resent being single.
A minister’s wife (that I work with) told me, “I just don’t think it’s appropriate for single women to hang out with married couples.”
(Thank you for pointing out that you would exclude me from personal fellowship on the basis of my demographic)
10. Steve
March 13, 2006
4:54 PM
What surprises me is that this is an issue at all! Just goes to show it depends which Christian circles you hang out in I guess. I thought that marriage is definitely the “norm” already. I’m a 30 y.o. male, and most Christians that I grew up with are well and truly married by now. I (as the single one) am the ‘unusual’ one!
My understanding of church history is that this issue swings from one extreme to another. From marriage being seen as the cool thing, to singleness being the ‘holy’ thing for priests etc. to the reformer’s swing against that in re-promoting marriage. There is a book (I’ll have to get back to you if anyone wants the reference - not a Josh Harris book though) that went into this a bit. It points out that the biblical truth of the matter is rather simple: marriage is from God, and so is singleness.
As my (married with 2 beautiful kids) brother says: marriage has its pluses and minuses….and singleness has its pluses and minuses.
I will admit that this post made me consider a point: IS celibacy a “separate” thing (gift), quite apart from singleness? The author thinks so. I’m not sure - and this is something I will now endeavour to look at, which is good. I’m also not sure it is biblical to talk about a “permanent vow” such as the Catholic preists etc do. Singleness can be a temporary thing as well as a permanent thing, and at this stage I see no reason to separate another category and call something a ‘special gift’ of celibacy.
Take vocation for example. We can get ourselves all frustrated about “what is my calling?” A reformed view would say, “what job do you do?” When you say, “I work as a window cleaner, dentist, office assistant etc.” the reformer replies, “well, that’s what God’s called you to do!”
I can’t see any other option anyway, that adheres to our view of the sovereignty of God. Are you single? That’s your calling. At least for now. Are you married? That’s your calling. At least for now (one of you will probably die before the other).
Do we yearn for a deep intamacy and unification? Yes, we do. But I believe a married christian also has that longing in their spirit. Marriage is a “type” of what is to come. Single people should not despair - we will all, whether married or single in this life - have that intimate union in Christ with eachother one day. And that will be a deeper intimacy than even sex is in this life.
Is marriage the norm? Of course it is! And I can’t believe anyone would bother wasting much time debating that!
Are there issues to address, such as the problems many single christian people have finding a husband or wife? Of course, and this is an area the church really, really needs to look at. We need to bring up the next generation(s) with a correct teaching on dating, courtship and marriage. We need to teach the boys to be men. Us men who have missed out need to learn to BE men (anyone recommend any good christian books here?). All this to say, there ARE real issues to deal with, yes. But (only from reading Tim’s review) I’m not sure this author is dealing with them head on, or from the basis of a correct understanding of singleness and the mysterious ‘gift of celibacy’ (I say this tentatively though - as I will be looking at this to see if I need my view corrected).
Finally, not that it’s any consolation to you (single women), but in many ways it is just as difficult for guys to find a suitable christian girl to marry.
Sorry for the long post.
Steve
11. Dallas Pymm
March 13, 2006
5:02 PM
‘A minister’s wife (that I work with) told me, “I just don’t think it’s appropriate for single women to hang out with married couples.”’
That is one of the most bizarre things I have ever heard. I guess we should just split up fellowship by who is married and who is not. We might as well split churches up in the same way. I guess I will start the first only married church. Too bad if I have kids they can’t come. But hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
12. Rusty Shackleford
March 13, 2006
5:03 PM
While I’m sure her advice is well intentioned, from what I read in the review of Maken’s book, I’m not sure she could avoid the charge of “piling on” single folks. Just like Albert Mohler’s remarks a couple of years ago caused a lot of pain to people who desparately want to be married but have no prospects, Maken’s advice sounds like she’s writing mostly to people who are already in the camp of “I know I don’t have the gift (that nobody really wants)”. (See Camerin Courtney’s response to Mohler here as well as his responses linked at the bottom of her article.)
I would suppose that most people who pick up her book are either a) already serious about wanting to get married or b) picking up the book for a friend who they want to “grow up” and get hitched.
Tim’s comment about how the book offers little advice and/or consolation for those who want to get married but can’t is mostly likely applicable the situation of most of the single readers of this blog. I once had a man I greatly respect (who himself married in his late 30’s) tell me that married people forget what it’s like to be single after about 6 months. I think there’s a lot of truth in that.
13. Diane
March 13, 2006
8:14 PM
Tim asked:
“How many single men and women have sought marriage but have been unable to find a spouse? What of those for whom things just never seem to work out? There is little counsel for this type of person.”
A few days ago I put up a website as my contribution to this effort. You are welcome to visit it at www.dyscletter.com.
Diane
14. Jacob Hantla
March 13, 2006
8:24 PM
Dallas,
______________________________________________I think that this is where those statements come from:
Let me share maybe another angle on this. The issue shouldn’t be: Do married people serve God better than singles or vice-versa? The issue that the church needs to be teaching - and I think that many who teach it get a bad rap for teaching that singleness is more desirable than marriage - is be content in your singleness; seek the glory of God in your marriage; don’t waste either.
In my circles, perhaps this is different than many who read this, the overriding theme among the singles isn’t, “I’d rather be single because I can serve God better this way.” The theme is, “I can’t wait to be married!” And this is good, but what it breeds is discontentment which is not good. Discontentment then leads to these Christian dating websites, the desire to marry the first person of the opposite gender who claims to be a Christian who comes along, and then miserable lives in marriages that do not reflect the Biblical picture.
Those marriages that work, rather, tend to be those in which both of the partners were content in their singleness and desiring to serve God in whatever relational status they found themselves.
I wrote quite a bit more about this at my blog in a post called, “Don’t Waste Your Singleness” which was basically a message which I presented to the singles at our church. Please read it and give feedback as you have it.
I have not read this book that Tim is reviewing, but my fear is that for those who are discontent in their singleness and wasting their singleness, it may end up giving reason to turn the purpose of their single life into “Pursue marriage” and not “Pursue undivided devotion to Christ.”
15. Jess
March 13, 2006
9:10 PM
Hmmm. I must say, Tim’s review of this book has given me much food for thought. I recently listened to a series of messages taught by John MacArthur entitled “Guidelines for Singleness and Marriage”. I found much of that information very helpful to me personally, being a 35yr old single Christian woman. In that series, J. Mac spoke at length regarding many of the issues and passages in the Bible that some of the other posts already mention.
I did come away from that teaching a little dismayed, however, because he made mention of “those that have the gift of singleness” but (unless I just *totally* missed it) he did not really expound on how one could really “know” if they had they that gift.
As for me, I know I do not have a burning desire in my flesh that consumes me night and day to be married. Would I embrace marriage if God so allowed it? Absolutely! I have often wondered, “Lord, what is your plan for me?”. I try to serve Him in what I can, and pray that He will guide me in ways that are pleasing to Him. At times it is hard to answer the questions of “why aren’t you married yet?!?” from those well-meaning folk.
All I know is that I refuse to partake in this world’s methods of “hooking up” and feel that sometimes even in Christian circles, we are more worldly in our pursuits of dating than I think we ought to be. I guess I have resigned myself to set my sights on Christ alone. If it is His desire that most be married, then I trust Him to provide that for me should it be His will, even if it takes 35, 40 or 50yrs for His will to unfold in my life.
Jess
16. gortexgrrl
March 13, 2006
9:51 PM
Jacob,
If you are ministering to singles thru a blog or any other mean, please, PLEASE read Debbie Maken’s book. It’s too easy to just dismiss the genuine feelings of Christian singles, esp. females who have a biological clock and not enough potential husbands in light of the current man shortage in the church. Camerin Courtney at Christianity Today calls this the top issue facing singles in the church today and has written an article about it this week.
I know we’re supposed to be joyful in all things, but nowadays, “the contentment lecture”, as Maken calls it, isn’t enough (she wrote an entire chapter on that one). She shows that Paul’s teachings in 1Cor7 took place during a time of great distress. I think most people in ministry want to be married and perform best when their needs are met in marriage. This is not to denigrate the efforts of singles by suggesting that they don’t perform as well or that all singles are miserable and need to be “fixed” by marriage. All I’m saying (and what Maken is saying) is that no other generation of Christians considered singleness (especially unwanted, protracted singleness) to be a gift or a calling.
We need to value marriage the way our forefathers did and stop treating this issue as if it shouldn’t matter to us if we marry or if we don’t. There have been many hurtful messages to this generation of Christian singles that suggest that it’s a sin to make mate finding a priority. What they need is a blessing to go for it.
17. Chris Alexion
March 13, 2006
10:22 PM
Thorny, emotional issue indeed! I’m not quite sure how best to phrase my thoughts, but I’ll take a stab at it.
As a young single guy, I look forward to marriage once I’ve got college and career in line. And coming from a more conservative Reformed slant, I highly value marriage, family, etc. And I’d agree that singleness is the exception.
That said, I’m starting to pick up on a possible overemphasis on marriage in conservative or patriarchal circles. You get the idea from some folks that it’s almost a sin not to be married early; the complex nature of people’s circumstances gets minimized amidst a general call to “get married.”
I’m worried that such an emphasis might lead married Christians to look down on singles, creating a second-class status for part of God’s kingdom. I’m 21. Should I have been hitched last year?
I guess what I’m saying is this: fallen nature is so prone to idolatry—could it be possible that we might be tempted to idolize marriage?
18. philip
March 13, 2006
10:51 PM
Chris,
you asked;
“I’m 21. Should I have been hitched last year?”
Of course not! You’ve still got three years to get it together.
After that though, you better be able to “prove the gift of singleness and celibacy” or can you say…..excommunicated.
philip
19. Phil in CA
March 14, 2006
4:08 AM
Wow. So many issues indeed. First, good review Tim (as always!). I would share your concerns about Maken’s disregard for Pauline authority when speak of “I not the Lord.”
Paul’s was crystal clear that he wished people could “remain as they are” (including those who were then single) “because if this present distress” as he said. Paul’s exhorting singleness was very much a temporal advice based on the conditions of distress at that time. As a Christian single man, I’m floored how many preachers, smug married, and myriad others can’t read 1 Cor 7 all the way down to verse 26 where he gives the *reason* for his admonition – and it’s not because singleness is the penultimate state of Christian preparedness for service. It has it’s advantages (which he lists later) but his advice remains conditional.
“Where does the blame for this lie? Maken points the finger at men […] she exhorts men to rediscover biblical manhood and to reclaim the leadership roles God created them for.” Great! Now all we have to do is get the women to do their part: throw out the romance novels and repent of this feminized ideal of man as guy is who is in touch with his chic side and makes a great wife. (hat tip to Mark Driscoll for that last thought).
That said, I ask that you step back and look at two competing sources of finger-wagging sermons:
One the one hand, we hear quite a bit about how the churches are light weight, producing fluffbunny superficial Christians that have not counted the cost of answering the call to follow Jesus. The church, and therefore its members, looks and thinks so much like the world that it’s harder to find committed, surrendered, grounded followers who will really means it when they commit to marriage—-seen the divorce rate?
On the other hand, while decrying the condition of the church out of one side of their mouth, out of the other side of their mouth they’re berating singles for not hooking up fast enough! Sheesh! Getting married is trusting someone with the rest of your life, and in many ways, with your very life itself. And if you pick wrong, and the person leaves you, well, now you’re more hopeless than before. So between the horrid conditions among Christian singles, and the way we treat divorced people, it’s no wonder so many Christians are taking their sweet time to find someone they can trust with the rest of their lives.
Those who testify that Christian singles are single by selfish choice are (in most cases) speaking falsely and thus garner little respect from struggling, battle-wary Christian singles whose only crime is conducting their marriage search with discernment.
20. Philippa
March 14, 2006
9:40 AM
Phil in CA wrote:
Those who testify that Christian singles are single by selfish choice are (in most cases) speaking falsely and thus garner little respect from struggling, battle-wary Christian singles whose only crime is conducting their marriage search with discernment.
Preach it, brother!
As a never-been-married 43 year old woman from the UK, my initial impression of Debbie Maken’s premise (and this may be unfair) is that she seems to regard singleness as some kind of HANDICAP. And that really bothers me, because I don’t think it’s biblical. And it’s certainly not very sensitive or pastorally astute.
The fact is, there are more Christian women than men in the church. That is a fact. And that’s not the fault of Christian single women. And it’s not the fault of Christian single men either.
So, really, what does it serve to browbeat Christian men and make them feel guilty about their singleness as if they are the ones to blame for a social demographic that is simply a fact of life?
Of course marriage is a wonderful gift from God. I still hope and pray to be married one day, even if the statistics are against me. I do believe in a God of miracles, after all.
St.Paul makes it clear that to be single is just as blessed a state as marriage. Neither state is to be despised. Both states are hallowed by God. Both states have their problems and their challenges. Remaining sexually chaste in a society that idolises sex is a tough calling for single and married alike.
But really, the best validation for singleness is the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. Fully human, fully alive, fully aware (I’m sure) of the women who loved and followed Him, perfectly comfortable with those same women touching Him (Mary and her alabaster jar come to mind), but dedicated to the Father alone.
PS. Two excellent books that have helped me are Carolyn McCulley’s ‘Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?’ and Connally Gilliam’s ‘Revelations of a Single Woman’. Of course these books are written by and for single Christian women, and I’m very grateful for it. For too long the evangelical circles I’ve moved in have only offered a deafening silence on the subject of celibate sexuality. This leads me to wonder whether there are similar resources for single Christian men. There has to be richer and better counsel for them rather than simply telling them off for not being ‘patriarchal’ enough.
21. Philippa
March 14, 2006
10:20 AM
Sorry for the double post, I know this is not good internet etiquette.
Just wanted to mention that just over a week ago I attended a New Wine Women’s Day conference in Wembley, London, where Elaine Storkey was speaking on Women & Sexuality.
Among the many good things that Ms Storkey (happily married for 37 years) had to say was this: there are two groups of people who suffer the most because of the extreme sexualisation of Western culture. The first is the gay person who has courageously chosen celibacy (an increasingly lonely road since society is telling them they needn’t bother, and the church doesn’t always seem to understand how tough their situation can be.) The second is the heterosexual celibate.
I wanted to applaud her. And, in fact, did.
22. Francisco
March 14, 2006
10:30 AM
Gortexgrrl,
Your first paragraph pointed out a factor that many tend to overlook: the feminization of the Western Church. Did feminism decided to go to church or men surrendered to its entreaties? Has the Church feminized Jesus so that more people can come to our gatherings? Does anyone know of a book that had reviewed the history of the Western Church from -let’s say- 50 years ago?
To all,
Another question to ask ourselves is: do we have a biblical worldview? So, what is the prevalent worldview in the world? Darwinism and its daughter materialism and their motto is “to survive in this jungle of concrete, you have to fight hard your way to the top”. As a result of that, career, traveling, entertainment are idolized in our culture. Who is the one to blame? No. I’m afraid a wider picture is missing in our approach to this “singleness vs marriage” issue that is perhaps just a by-product of how the Church has sold out to the world.
And we all who call ourselves followers of Christ ought to be sold out to Jesus whether married or single!
23. gortexgrrl
March 14, 2006
3:59 PM
Francisco,
The “feminization of the western church”, as you call it, is an interesting subject. David Murrow wrote the book “Why Men Hate Going to Church” and has a companion website “churchformen.com” with some awesome (and quite hilarious!) articles that really got me thinking, like the one where he suggests that men perhaps have a better “BS” detector that makes them more sensitive to anything that smacks of hypocrisy (that one never occurred to me!) and another where he points out that most men aren’t that keen on holding hands and singing gushy love songs to a man in a white dress. lol But he also cites research that the feminization of the church may have something to do with lower rates of masculinity measured among churching men (don’t flame me! that’s what he said: research indicates that the more masculine a guy is, the less likely he is to go to church).
But, you know, it’s not just the church that’s experiencing a dearth of men, it’s also the men’s service clubs such as rotary, elks, masons, etc. So I think you’re right that men, even those raised in church (70-90% leave by their 20’s, according to Murrow) are succumbing to the priorities of the world. But you can’t exactly blame feminism, because women will step in wherever men leave a gap. What’s more is that the accessibility of premarital sex in the secular world is probably the biggest factor that contributes to the Christian man shortage, something that the majority of church-going Christian women in the same bracket don’t really buy into. Maybe women in the church/workplace, etc. have somehow “raised the bar” in certain ways that make things more difficult for men. But I don’t think chasing women back into the kitchen is the answer. I think men have to find their own solutions to these problems, which of course, bring us back to the leadership issue.
24. philip
March 14, 2006
8:17 PM
Gortexgrl,
I must say I had some difficulties with some of your assertions with regards to the gender disparity in todays’ church; Specifically, the contention that male promiscuity or his propensity to the sin of fornication as implied in the following posting; was ‘probably
(sic) the biggest factor’ for this disparity.
What’s more is that the accessibility of premarital sex in the secular world is probably the biggest factor that contributes to the Christian man shortage, something that the majority of church-going Christian women in the same bracket don’t really buy into. Maybe women in the church/workplace, etc. have somehow “raised the bar” in certain ways that make things more difficult for men.
I visited the ‘companion’ site (your description, I’d describe it as ‘a sister site’) that you mentioned and could find no reference to sexual proclivity of any kind.
What I did find was:
On the page under the heading – “Where Are All The Men?”
The big questions:
• What is it about modern Christianity that is driving men away?
And under the heading: For Women:
Men are absenting themselves from church because they cannot function in a feminine environment. We might as well invite men to a baby shower. Men know that church is not for them; that’s why it’s earned a reputation as a place for little old ladies of both genders.
And on the page directed to Pastors:
Most people assume that men are just less religious than women, but this is untrue.
To me this site addresses more the issue of what is or is not happening in and with the church.
Not the vile behavior of a limited demographic.
And then to attempt to support this assertion with something as sanctimonious as;
‘something that the majority of church-going Christian women in the same bracket don’t really buy into.’
I really consider this an affront to males in and out of the pew.
What I’d like to know is, not having read Murrows’ book, do you attribute “the biggest factor” recrimination to his book or to your own interpretation and hypothesis? It was unclear and I do like to know with whom I’m taking umbrage.
philip
25. Susanna
March 14, 2006
8:53 PM
I can assure those readers who are unmarried that as a young married woman, this book poses just as much discomfort. Why? Because I think the author has some great points but not because I believe being single is second class, sinful, etc. I know the scene and believe me, I know how it can feel but I also know that the pendulum swings both ways. For us married folk, marriage can definitely become overly consuming and we can just as easily forget our calling to serve God in different capacities..something which can be more easily remembered as a single. We can also feel quite ostracized when with our single friends.
From what I have seen from many singles though through conversation and just general observation, the desire for a relationship is strong but the desire to be married is not strong enough. Many get so comfortable in their independence that marriage is really not a very desirable concept. They may say they want to be married but don’t really when they come face to face with what it would really entail. I can’t tell you how many people I ‘ve seen break off their engagements with the phrase, “he/she just wasn’t God’s best for me.” What does that really mean when two weeks before, that person was perfect?
Further, I see so many looking for the wrong things…mostly totally shallow traits and it seems that most desire someone who will play hard to get as compared to a stable, sincerely godly person who is really ready to commit.
As for celibacy, I thought that meant obstaining from sex but unfortunately, that too seems a hush, hush subject among many singles who live a closeted life during the week of casual dating and liberal amounts of physical contact with these dates. For those singles who truly hold celibacy in high regard, seeing it flippantly really does them a disservice.
I say these things because it really burdens me…I care about the desires of those friends/acquaintances around me who are single. I see many doing great things, really desiring to make the most of their lives where they are at but still, the desire is there. I just want more of them to rethink what it is they are truly looking for and make sure their reasons for being single are valid/truly something out of their hands and in line with where God truly has put them.
P.S. Someone mentioned that the ideas in this book lead to singles making such mistakes as trying online dating. Though I respect what others think about this road, I can assure this reader that my husband and I met on eharmony and I can say with thankfulness that our communication in marriage, understanding of each other, etc is much the stronger because of the way we met. For those whom God leads to meet online, it is an awesome way and its success among Christians, etc can not be undermined.
26. Peter G.
March 15, 2006
3:47 PM
Interesting. I may have to read this book.
For an apposing viewpoint, see Laura A. Smit’s book Loves Me, Loves Me Not where she argues that there is a progression towards singleness in the Bible. As she says, “The question we must consider is whether the role of romance in the new creation order is in any way different from the role of romance in the original creation order” (p. 63). Her answer is that, yes, there is a difference. As she goes on to say, “Not only is continent singleness introduced as a legitimate option in the New Testament, but Jesus also tells us that the trajectory of human history is moving toward a time when marriage will be obsolete [cf. Luke 20:34–36] …. Marriage is the norm in Eden, but it will be obsolete in the New Jerusalem. Therefore, our communities of faith should be on a trajectory in which they reflect Eden less and less, the New Jerusalem more and more” (p. 67).
Despite her opinion that singleness is presented as the preferred option in the New Testament, Smit’s book should be helpful to those who are single but would rather not be. The subtitle of her book is The Ethics of Unrequited Love. Even if you disagree with her conclusion, Smit’s book might be a good one to read along side Maken’s book.
27. Philippa
March 15, 2006
6:13 PM
Many thanks for the recommendation, Peter G. Laura Smit’s book sounds most interesting. :)
I don’t agree with her that singleness is the PREFERRED option in Scripture. I think that Scripture endorses both marriage AND singleness. :) Obviously marriage is normative, as part of the creation ordinance. That does NOT make us long-term singletons freaks (please take note, Ms Maken.)
But yes, I think I need an antidote to Debbie Maken. Definitely.
Because I’ve now read and researched a bit more on Ms Maken’s view on singleness, and I am dismayed and disturbed. And really quite worried about the effect of this teaching on younger, earnest Christians who may end up feeling guilty - for no good reason whatsoever - if they still find themselves single, with the best of intentions, 20 years later.
I don’t expect the world to applaud me for being sexually abstinent. But to find the same rejection, cloaked under super-spiritual language, from another Christian is like a cold slap in the face.
Brrr. *goes off to meditate on the Song of Songs*
28. gortexgrrl
March 16, 2006
2:50 PM
Phillip,
To find my references from the Churchformen.com site, look under “E-newsletter archives”, to find the articles: “June 1, 2005, Why up to 90% of boys abandon church”, “November 15, 2005, Why men are so sensitive to hypocrisy”, the masculinity references were from his book which I don’t have with me. If you aren’t one of those guys who have left the church for greater “freedom”, then good on ya. But it would be hard for you to argue the fact that men in both the secular world (and in the church, but less so) have higher rates of promiscuity compared to women, and that this (and other tempting features of the secular world) is a deterring factor for church attendance. In other words, we can’t just blame the church (and all those women in it that make it so “feminine”) for the shortage of men in it. There are factors external to the church (ie. temptations of the world, not just premarital sex) that are pulling men away from it (and this is what organizations like Promisekeepers are rightly trying to combat).
Phillipa,
As much as Debbie Maken’s book has an annoying “smug married” tone in parts, I hope that everyone can get past the whole “is singleness a sin?” thing and see the more valuable part of her message, which is that many churches have actually been preaching an anti-marriage message over the past few decades that declares that “singleness is a gift” equal to marriage (which is total mistranslation of 1Cor7:7!) and that if you are single you should not question this gift but be grateful for it, despite the fact that the church has an epidemic of unwanted, protracted singleness on our hands. These counterproductive, highly unbiblical teachings have had an immobilizing effect on so many people who wonder if they are committing some kind of a sin by seeking marriage, and I think it explains a lot of the complacency, confusion and ambivilence that you see in so many aging single people in the church.
This is not an exaggeration. Take for example “Choosing God’s Best”, that says “Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer an preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single?”. Who in the bible ever prayed a pray like that?! Didn’t the author of this horrible book ever consider how much anxiety a message like this can cause, as evidenced in the discussion boards and chat rooms for Christian singles? I really think we’ve underestimated the damage caused by these teachings, in terms of the role that they have played in contributing to the “lack of initiative” problem that makes church leaders wonder why the singles in their midst have so much difficulty in getting together. This is what Debbie Maken is trying to address.
29. Kevin
March 16, 2006
3:44 PM
Thanks for your post. I especially liked your statement that celibacy and singleness are not the same thing. It is my opinion that people assume singleness is something ordained by God and thus, they grit their teeth and try to endure it like they think good Christians should.
I really look forward to reading the book, Getting Serious About Getting Married.
In my blog, I try to deal with singleness from a spiritual perspective, but not as something to be suffered through. God can use us either whether we are single or married. The key, in my opinion, is truly understanding His will and conducting ourselves accordingly. Maybe God wants us to be married and we are screwing it up!! If that is the case, then it is a shame to be single against God’s desire for us to be married.
Thanks again for your post.
KEVIN
30. philip
March 16, 2006
4:57 PM
Gortexgrl,
Nice try! That e-mail archive doesn’t even come close to supporting your assertion;
What’s more is that the accessibility of premarital sex in the secular world is probably the biggest factor that contributes to the Christian man shortage, something that the majority of church-going Christian women in the same bracket don’t really buy into.
For me, it does cast further doubt as to the sites validity.
Awesome would not be one of the words I’d use to describe any of the articles I read so far.
Incredible, maybe!
I would even question another assertion that you’ve made:
that men perhaps have a better “BS” detector that makes them more sensitive to anything that smacks of hypocrisy
I contend that the quality of ones BS detector is not based on gender. I would believe that anybody,
male or female would be able to read the sheer foolishness in the following exerpt from the E-mail archive of Nov.15 2005 to which you directed me.
www.Churchformen.com
Believers, avoid “Christianese” the language spoken by church insiders. Terms like “Spirit filled” “Washed in the blood” and “Sanctified” confuse and frustrate outsiders. The less “churchy” your speech the more men will understand and participate in church discussions. Men want what’s real, not what’s religious.
Anyways, as this thread pertains to Makens’ book and review I’ll leave the Church For Men
and Murrows’ book to stand on its’ own merit or lack thereof and concentrate on Debbie Makens’
book as to whether we are to be single or not. As opposed to ‘Why we are or aren’t’.
I would recommend that we read the black for what it is, before we read between the lines.
philip
31. Philippa
March 16, 2006
7:40 PM
Gortexgrrl,
Thanks for your reply. :)
As much as Debbie Maken’s book has an annoying “smug married” tone in parts, I hope that everyone can get past the whole “is singleness a sin?” thing and see the more valuable part of her message, which is that many churches have actually been preaching an anti-marriage message over the past few decades that declares that “singleness is a gift” equal to marriage (which is total mistranslation of 1Cor7:7!) and that if you are single you should not question this gift but be grateful for it, despite the fact that the church has an epidemic of unwanted, protracted singleness on our hands.
Golly! *boggles*
This must be an American thing. No, seriously. I’ve NEVER come across such teaching in British church culture - not in the circles I’ve moved in at any rate. And I agree with you that it is absolute, unbiblical codswallop.
In that case, it makes Debbie Maken’s position a little more explicable. I still think she is swinging rather too far in the other direction. But I’m willing to give her argument a fair hearing. :)
God can use us either whether we are single or married. Amen to that, Kevin. :) And may we all find our deepest joy in Him.
32. gortexgrrl
March 16, 2006
7:48 PM
Phillip, maybe I haven’t proved myself right in this discussion, but you haven’t exactly proved me wrong either, since your objections to my assertions as well as Murrow’s haven’t come with any real specifics. Anyways, I agree with you that “whether we are to be single or not” is probably a better line of discussion in terms of what relates to Maken’s book. So here’s my take on it:
A lot of people are reacting to Maken’s suggestion that it’s a sin to stay single, particularly those who are currently content in their singleness (with the opportunities that it affords them to get to know God and serve him, etc.) and those who are dealing with unwanted and/or protracted singleness (and feel that Maken is blaming them for their plight).
As much as I wouldn’t want to go around thumping individuals on the head, telling them how sinful they are for being single, I think that Maken has a point when she talks about our current trends of protracted singleness as “generational sin”.
When you think about it, each generation’s relationship trends (including our own) impacts the next one’s. Our current generation has the lowest birthrate of any other in history. This is both a function of the sex-without-commitment trend of those who went before us, creating a “why by the cow when you get the milk for free phenomenon that makes timely marriage seem unnecessary for many people), AND our current generation’s trends towards higher expectations of both sexes, preference for delayed marriage, fear of divorce, etc. Failure to prepare the next generation for marriage (ie. by turning it into something unnecessary or undesirable, or by propogating teachings that create confusion about whether or not marriage is God’s will) is biblically and historically considered to be a sin.
Why? Because there are consequences! Isn’t anyone here concerned about low Christian birthrates, that are being outpaced by the Muslim world? Has it occurred to anyone that until recently, the next generation of Christians has largely been created through the creation of families, not just overseas missions work? Does anyone have any idea how we are going to deal with a rapidly aging population, many of whom will have no family members to care for them? Or are we stuck in our colonial mentality of believing we will just import the less fortunate here to do the work for us? If so, where will the money come from, as those taxpayers retire?
Not that I expect anyone to have the answers to all of this, but I hope that you get the idea: we need to look at the big picture, folks, not just the immediate, individual, “what’s God’s plan for MY life” stuff. Are we really fulfilling God’s plan for us a people, and if not, what’s getting in the way? It means not only putting our hands on our hips and saying “well, I never!” at the larger culture, but also looking at those factors WITHIN THE CHURCH (ie. certain teachings that Maken claims are deterrent to marriage), even if it means feels kind of disloyal to challenge some of our beloved leaders or having to admit that we may have been wrong on some ideas that we had voiced very strongly.
33. KathleenM1
March 18, 2006
6:00 PM
Goretexgrrl writes: Isn’t anyone here concerned about low Christian birthrates, that are being outpaced by the Muslim world?
Ah, so it turns out this mandatory-marriage notion is not really about anything Scriptural, but is the response to political fears about those dark-skinned folks, eh?
We’ve always known that anyone can find a Biblical quote to support virtually any position or preference imaginable, as well as its opposite (shall I document all the pro-slavery passages throughout the Old and New Testaments?), and that practice is out in full force here.
Social and geopolitical realities getting you down? Have no fear, we’ve got your elixir right here. You can treat that phobia about Muslim birthrates (we’d never call it racism or religious bigotry, would we?) right now. Hold on while I flip through my concordance to find somewhere where Jesus says we must outproduce other religions. Well, I can’t really find it, but will you accept these selective verses on marriage? With a little creative thinking, you can take them to mean singleness is a sin, you must get married and have a sweltering passel of kids, and thereby do your duty to reproduce non-Christian religions into numerical submission.
Of course, if the Muslim birthrate goes down, ignore everything I just said. The Bible is the timeless word of God — unless the population figures change.
34. philip
March 18, 2006
9:34 PM
I was wondering if anybody who has read this book can confirm that Debbie Maken considers that to embrace ones singleness is a sin?
philip
35. Dale
March 19, 2006
8:46 PM
It sounds like it might be an interesting book along with the plethora of books with similar topics that are being spawned out of “Christian” publishing (much of which has sold out to pagan ownership! As if that won’t affect things…) these days.
I think I’ll avoid it though and save my money.
Whether embracing singleness is explicitly considered by the author as sin or not may not be clear, but the actions of people are very clear. It has been my experience along with most of the singles I have talked with that we are treated like we have some kind of virus. In the 10+ years since the planting of my church (with some of the best preaching I have heard and a very well educated congregation, both biblically and secularly) I have only been invited to ONE home (other than the small handful of friends I have) of any member here. This is a body with 500+ members! Most of the body knows me, due to various ministries that I am involved with. And they know I am single still at 42. I have talked with both men and women with the same results about this. And the married people tell me - hmmm now that you mention it, I haven’t really ever invited a single person over, but always married couples. And even after discussing the issue with them they have yet to do it. I really wonder what seems to be the problem with being single. Are they afraid of something? Do singles make married people feel uncomfortable for some reason?
I am so sick of the whole thing I almost wish all of these authors would just go away unless they are going to exhort the body, commonly called a family, to live together like one. People seem to think that a family must only consist of young children and married people. Single adults have something wrong with them and should be avoided at all costs. I almost find myself laughing when somebody calls me brother because by experience it is so absurd to think that they actually mean it.
With such a wealth of knowledge, we are certainly lacking in living it out.
Dale
36. SteveE
March 22, 2006
6:13 PM
As I have read your comments, the afore mentioned book, and studied the scriptures quoted I am wondering why an issue between singleness and marriage exsists?
Paul’s discourse in Corinthians was not intended to say that marriage or singleness was the best choice for christians. Rather he was addressing specific issues that he had, had reports of and questions that the same congregation had asked. I doubt that the issues were much different than those currently discussed, here; or the world in general. Obviously he had his own opinions in the matter that he supported with what he considered to be strong reasons for that position. But he was careful to state that it was him speaking, and not something he was passing on from God.
Paul’s emphasis in the several chapters where he discussed this matter was more focused on the commitment to God either party should have, but stressed that some positions would make service to God more difficult than others. God Himself refers to the church as His bride. For Paul to espouse that singleness was the best route for service to God would seem to be in direct contradiction to the many scriputures where Christ Himself used the analogy of us and our relationship to Him in the marital sense. I doubt that Paul would make such an issue where singleness was the “best” situation.
It is true that he said it was best for people to remain single, but again, this was not to suggest that marriage was less. Its apparent that he felt marriage and the time and effort of working with a spouse would detract from that focus. But if we are to look at the other apostles, we know that many of them were married and served God with distinction.
Paul tried to stress over and over that marriage was not a bad thing, but simply something he considered a distraction. The point was not marriage or singleness…but the avoidence of sinful behaviour and the undivided focus of our service to God.
I find nothing to suggest that Paul was attempting to say that celibacy was “the way to go”. Indeed if we look at Paul’s life, he was a single minded individual who was strong willed and opinionated, even to contending with other apostles over what he felt was “right”.
I am not sure that I agree with Maken’s ideas that suggest that men are less “leader like” than we ought to be, and that is posited as a reason for so much singleness. I doubt that Paul or even our Lord would suggest that any “focus” of our attention needs to be on finding a spouse. It follows that if that is our focus, then we cannot be focused on God. Thus, Paul’s point, that we need to make a decision to go one way or another, and once decided, head in that direction. Does that mean we forget God? Often times it does. Not intentionally, I hope, but it is so easy to do when we are focused on our needs and not God’s service.
Paul tried to both caution and redirect the Corinthian church. To stop putting so much emphasis on this matter, and to worry more about the immorality and sin being caused by it. Focus on God. I believe that God knows our desires, and our needs. He will take care of them in His time.
37. Joe
March 24, 2006
4:52 AM
Is no one (except the poster from the UK) aware that this fairly new trend of extended singleness is mostly an American phenomenon? What changed and who changed? Well, in the 70’s, here in the U.S., women were starting to be told they did not need men. If anything, men may have adjusted by becoming more self obsessed. Men’s reaction was the effect, not the cause. This is what Maken fails to recognize.
You would never believe how many women I encountered on eharmony (which supposedly began as a christian site) who were in their 30’s, even late 30’s, who had never had anything close to a “relationship” with a man, and - it gets worse - they really had such a care free attitude about the whole thing, it was clear they were just playing games.
They were simply “testing the waters”, with little or no intention. No surprise why they are still alone. They would all talk about “waiting for the one” as if they were everything they needed to be, but by golly, the guy had better be perfect, or they would just as soon not bother.
To add to the problem, most big churches, (not the few sub-culture type churches you dont hear about) act as if singleness is a gift from God. If this is so, then why was it not a gift God dished out nearly as much 30 years ago? (in this country again)
And my biggest gripe - Pastors and churches act as if we can not learn about the next life stage until we are there, such as, if they are talking to singles, the message is about singleness, not about making a marriage work. If academia operated on this principle no one could attend college until they had a job in their chosen field - a real catch 22.
And could someone please tell pastors and church leaders this; there is a big difference in singles who are never-marrieds, and divorcees. Please realize this when grouping people up into small groups, fellowship groups, or whatever you want to call them. Divorced people have broken a major covenant, second only to becoming a christian.
38. Brentinator
March 26, 2006
10:56 PM
Maken’s book was great, I thought, but woefully unfair to men. Men can pursue, but why do Christian women think that finding someone we want to pursue AND will return our interest is such a slam dunk? It isn’t at all. Men frequently can’t be blamed for their singleness.
Men do pursue - The typical Christian single woman who gets to 30 has rejected several, if not more than several, quality candiates. If there is no legitimate interest, that’s the way it should be, but they shouldn’t complain that men don’t step up. There are plenty of good guys who step up and get stepped on. This leads to fatigue after a while, and it really makes you feel pretty low when women make it sound like they are just waiting for any halfway decent guy to notice them. “Us women are desperate - but not so desperate that we’d take you!” Again, I’m not knocking women’s right of refusal, but don’t you dare say you aren’t being pursued.
Maken acknowledges that some women are playing games with men, but she says that it’s on a smaller scale. I say it’s more like 50-50./
39. Tom
May 1, 2006
9:49 PM
I’ve been reading some of Debbie’s book, and while I don’t know if I agree with all her assertions, I applaud her for places where she points out that church leaders often complicate the difficulties singles encounter when seeking God’s will in this matter..
In the case of which I’m thinking, a married couple (volunteer leadership in my singles group), both told me to “just sit back and let God bring you a wife”.. only problem is, they were at the same time involved in matchmaking for their friends, in one case setting up one of their divorced male friends with a never married woman in the group. Interestingly enough, while they were helping other couples get together, their own marriage fell apart when the husband left and began dating women at other churches (without telling them he was divorced).. I recently heard he was on (at least) his third marriage.. I’ve confronted both of them, but they STILL say, even after their divorce, that I don’t need to pursue marriage, but just “let God do it”.. I told them that it doesn’t work that wat, but they just smiled and literally said, “Oh, but it does!”..
I’d love to get married; there’s no one at the church I now attend that I want to pursue, but I am involved with Christian singles from other churches.. I also have friends in other states (thanks to the internet); one in particular has caught my eye.. it’s still too early to tell what, if anything, will happen, but at least I don’t feel as bad about it..
I was also in a group similar to what Debbie mentioned (the single guy in the Bible study group w/ the 2 married guys who felt superior to him, but who refused to pray for him).. not only were they arrogant about their marital status, they were promoted over me in a ministry position largely because of it, but told me “it’s not wise” for me to date..
Debbie, thank you!