Over the past few weeks I’ve been writing down some memories. It has been a fun process of just thinking about the past and recording some significant events and moments. While I’ll probably post them mostly on weekends, I thought it would be fun to post this one today. I see this as a testament to God’s grace in my life that so much as changed.
It is the worst day of my life. Today I will have to stand before my classmates and deliver a speech. I am shy—almost unbearably shy. I never, ever raise my hand in class to answer questions. When the teacher’s eyes roam the room looking for a person who can answer a question, I cringe and hide behind the person ahead of me, doing anything, anything, to avoid eye contact. When I know my turn is coming, I almost panic, sweat beading on my forehead and my face blushing crimson. And today I will be called upon to stand in front of my classmates and a panel of parents to give a speech. It’s almost more than I can bear.
I know my speech is good. I’ve chosen to discuss and to refute evolution, rather a safe topic in a Christian school. My mother pitched in to help me gather and organize my material and I am confident that the content is as good as anyone’s in the class. We’ve even consulted Nancy and Rick Pearcey, our good friends who are well-versed on the subject. I’ve got funny illustrations about millions of monkeys banging away at millions of typewriters; I’ve got fascinating facts about the absurdities of evolution and the truths of Scripture. I have memorized the speech so I will not be dependent upon my notes. If I can just deliver the content well, I am convinced that I am likely to win the competition (a mixed blessing, to be sure, since this would then earn me the dubious privilege of competing against the best of the other local Christian schools).
I watch as a couple of classmates deliver their speeches with mixed results. Some are disorganized while others have clearly neglected preparation. A couple stumble for words and repeat their speeches in voices that are only barely audible. My hearts beats faster as I realize that we are closer and closer to my time. Finally my name is called and I slip to the front of the class, my eyes firmly fixed on the carpet. I reach the front and look out at the rows of desks, and behind them, the panel of judges. My heart rate increases. I don’t know if I can do this.
“Teachers, judges and classmates…” With my heart in my throat I begin my speech, stumbling a little at first but soon speaking a little more smoothly. I may have expected that it would get easier as I go, that I would stop noticing all of those eyes staring back at me. But it does not get any easier. Finally, finally, after what seems like hours, I make it to the end of my speech. I glance at the clock. Uh oh. When I timed my speech at home it had come in at around fifteen minutes; yet only five minutes have passed since I began. And already I am finished. Lots of people are smiling; a few are laughing. The Principal makes a crack that I do not hear and everyone laughs. I sit down, mortified, as one of my classmates says something about the “Micro Machine Man.”
My speech, my wonderful speech, is an absolute ruin. Because the content was sound, I still manage to pull of an acceptable mark. But the judges later tell me that if only I had slowed down and given the speech in an intelligible voice, I would have been a finalist. I would have had a good chance of winning.
I realize that day that I am not cut out for public speaking. It reaffirms that I will not answer questions in class and that I’ll continue to be the back-row guy that no one notices. I do not stand before a crowd or give another speech for fifteen years.
Comments (6) »
1. Joseph Grigoletti
June 27, 2008
12:33 PM
give me podium and glass d’eau any day! Nothing like speaking to a group of large people.
2. Laurie
June 27, 2008
1:14 PM
I’ve always hated being a blusher. I was a funny looking kid to begin with and to top it off I would blush almost any time I was called upon to speak to more than one person. I would feel it pouring with heat into my face and be even more emabarrassed knowing it was obvious to everyone else too. So the blushing fueled itself and fed my sense of humiliation. It was only with years of practice that I overcame it to some degree, but it still happens on occasion, always unexpectedly, as does the sick feeling of inadequacy that accompanies it, like the chicken does the egg.
3. David
June 27, 2008
2:04 PM
That sounds just like me — except for the “I know my speech is good” part.
4. Stephen Altrogge
June 27, 2008
2:26 PM
Tim - It’s cool how God has helped to change you in this area. You’ve gone from freaking out in front of classmates to being listed along with DA Carson as the feature speaker. It’s funny how God forces us into things we never thought we could do.
And your blog isn’t to shabby either.
5. Renee Teate
June 27, 2008
6:14 PM
I was in the 5th grade. Book report. I don’t even remember the book. My mother had made me this really cool pair of wrap around pants. It was the 70’s. You had to be there. Just before my turn to present the book report, we had recess. The teacher was enamored with my wrap around pants and had to see how they worked. During recess she untied them and got the idea, but must not have tied them back snugly enough. About 90 seconds into my book report the pants fell down. Only the back dropped so no boys got a view of my really cute bikini undewear, but the teacher sitting at her desk behind me got another really good shot of how the wrap around pants worked. I calmly squated down, picked up the pants, re-tied them and carried on with the book report. There was so much guffawing from the class though, it was useless. The teacher allowed me to return to my seat and I think I got an A.
Today I work for a large communications company as a Sales Engineer and regularly make presentations to CEO’s, CIO’s, etc. Once you’ve had the nightmare come true anything else seems piddling.
6. Rita Martinez
June 29, 2008
9:09 PM
wow does that sound like me! I once gave a speech which I too thought would be the winning one, it was on Che Guevara and revolutionary ideas. I forgot part of it in the middle of the speech, had to look at my notes, it was disastrous.
Then one time during flag ceremony, in the month of February when we celebrate Black History Month, my US History teacher made me stand in front of everyone, along with my pal Susie, and sing Aretha Frankling’s RESPECT. I wanted to die of embarrassment, I took my glasses off and needless to say couldn’t see people’s faces, that helped me calm my nerves. I thought i’d be the laughing stock of the school but people actually enjoyed our little performance.
Now that I’m finishing Med School I can stand in front of a group of people and deliver a speech if I have to, present a case or deliver a power point presentation without blushing.