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A Theo-Doping Scandal

driscoll-cover.jpgMark Driscoll is a bestselling and highly-regarded author. He is pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington, a popular speaker at conferences, and is founder of the Acts 29 Church Planting Network. But is there more to this man than meets the eye? According to a shocking new article in Preaching Illustrated, there may be.

In a bizarre turn of events, Mark Driscoll has become embroiled in a theological doping scandal. Random testing, conducted immediately following the sermon he delivered in his church on Sunday August 20, revealed the presence of unusual and inconsistent teachings. While no official statement has been released, investigators have hinted they suspect Driscoll has been using theobolic steroids. Like the sport of professional cycling, those under investigation are considered guilty until proven innocent. This could prove to be a serious blight on an otherwise surefire hall of fame career.

“This is becoming increasingly common,” said David Pullman, lead investigator in the case. “This guy has no seminary degree, no Calvinistic background. He writes books, preaches sermons, runs a church planting network and has a whole brood of children. Somehow he finds time to do all of this and to maintain theology that is consistently biblical and Reformed. It doesn’t add up.” Theobolic steroids, consumed in small amounts, can increase a pastor’s understanding of theology and his theological output, giving him a decisive edge over competitors.

“It’s little wonder his church has grown so quickly,” said another investigator who spoke under condition of anonymity. “What chance does anyone else have against a guy who is willing to shoot up with theobolic steroids? It is a despicable crime!” Rumors are circulating that discarded syringes containing traces of Reformed theology have been discovered scattered around the pulpit at Mars Hill.

The side effects to theobolic steroids can be serious, ranging from the eventual shrinking of a pastor’s discernment to the complete undermining of his faith. George Wright, a former theobolic steroid user, was recently interviewed about his years of steroid abuse. “It seems so harmless, but soon you become addicted. You set a standard while on the steroids you can’t hope to match without them. Your sermons are great, your theology is sound and people are convicted.” After many years of abuse, Wright found his faith and discernment lessening. Now a decade removed from that abuse, he currently serves as pastor of a PCUSA church and spends his mornings watching preachers on BET and TBN. “Last week I heard Joel Osteen preach a sermon on the importance of eating a healthy breakfast. It was so convicting to me! Joel Osteen is my hero!”

A source close to the investigation hinted that Driscoll will also be investigated for blood doping. This is the process of artificially increasing the amount of theology infused in the bloodstream in an attempt to improve theological performance. Preachers have been known to “donate” a unit of blood following a particularly edifying conference or immediately after reading a good book. This blood is stored and transfused back into the body immediately before a big preaching or speaking engagement. This effectively increases theological output because of the extra theology contained in the blood. Investigators were tipped off to the possibility of blood doping shortly after Driscoll attended a Chris Rock show. “We suspect he mistakenly ‘donated’ blood immediately after the show and returned it to his body several weeks later, immediately before writing Confessions of a Reformission Rev. That will explain a thing or two!”

At the time this article went to print, there had been no statement from Mark Driscoll or Mars Hill Church. Investigators are expected to report on their findings in the coming weeks.