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Self-Centered Sex (Part 2)
- 01/25/07
- 71
This article continues the discussion I began yesterday on the topic of self-centered sex. Because sex is created by God and to be used for His glory, it is not purely a physical or sexual or emotional issue, a theological issue. Thus in yesterday’s article we built a brief framework in which to understand sex from a biblical perspective. We saw that sex is: a Gift From God; intended only for marriage; for giving and receiving pleasure; a means of building intimacy; intended for procreation. Today we will continue this discussion to encompass autoeroticism, the act of providing sexual pleasure to oneself.
Before I continue, I would like to address one concern that was raised in the comment section yesterday. One commenter wrote “A happily married man’s advice to lonely, sex-starved, Christian singles may be theologically right on the money but nevertheless leaves the reader cold, unmoved, even resentful. It’s easy to dispense advice on how to diet while stuffing your face at the buffet table, after all.” I would suggest, though, and despite what this commenter says, that this is an issue that applies to married men as well as single. Men or women who masturbate when they are unmarried may not find that having regular sex with a marriage relationship will necessarily or immediately remove the desire to masturbate. Sex and masturbation, while similar in some ways, are also dissimilar. One is pure, the other is sinful. One is selfless, the other is selfish. One requires effort, the other is quick and easy. When a person has many years of selfish sex in his background, he may not find the transition away from that to be simple. Sin cannot always be removed as easily as simply replacing it with something else. More often it requires dedicated effort and many pleas for the aid of the Holy Spirit for sin to be eradicated.
Blindness, Baldness and Hairy Palms
I suspect my childhood is typical in that I heard many rumors about the physical effects of autoeroticism. I was told that people who did it went blind, lost their hair, grew hair on their palms or went crazy. But as James Dobson says, “If it did [cause such afflictions], the entire male population and about half of females would be blind, weak, simpleminded and sick. Between 95 and 98 percent of all boys engage in this practice — and the rest have been known to lie.” My parents certainly never told me such lies and neither did any of my teachers or youth leaders. Yet these rumors were passed from boy-to-boy on the playground, usually long before any of us had ever given serious consideration to sexuality. We did not know what the act was, but we did know the supposed repercussions.
While these rumors are clearly unfounded, they continue to be told simply because autoeroticism is a topic that breeds guilt and shame. It encourages worry that a person will be found out. Yet there is no physical reason to deny oneself this sexual pleasure. As Josh Harris writes in Sex Is Not The Problem (Lust Is) (the book from whence I stole the title for this series of articles) “masturbation isn’t a filthy habit that makes people dirty. It only reveals the dirt that’s already in our hearts.” The physical act of masturbation simply points to a deeper problem within. So while autoeroticism is not filthy and does not make a person filthy, there can, however, still be a mental and spiritual toll as many people struggle with feelings of guilt, remorse and shame because of their habits. This may be a convincing reason for some people to avoid participating, but for many it is not. Sadly, guilt is not enough of a motive for many of us to curb our sinful behavior.
Purity of Mind
The most common reason given why people should not engage in autoeroticism is that it pollutes the mind. Sexual gratification is not merely a physical act, but one that engages the mind. In speaking with men who struggle with this sin, one will find that the act brings far less guilt than the accompanying fantasies. These fantasies run rampant during acts of autoeroticism. This type of fantasy can be dangerous in at least two ways.
First, as most adults have learned the hard way, reality is rarely as wonderful as fantasy. Many people create expectations for sex in their minds that the reality cannot meet. I dare say that rarely has a teenage boy created a fantasy in which his partner gently and lovingly rebuffs his advances because she is too tired. Neither has he concocted a fantasy in which she declines participation in a particular act because she finds it uncomfortable or distasteful. The fact is that fantasy can create unhealthy and unrealistic expectations of sex.
Second, fantasy will rarely involve legitimate sexual partners. A teenage girl has no legitimate reason to pursue sexual fantasy, for she has no God-given partner with whom she can consummate such desire. While it is perfectly legitimate for a husband to dream of a sexual encounter with his wife, autoeroticism may encourage him to fill his mind with thoughts of other women, or even to gaze at pornographic material to fuel his mind.
Fantasy is dangerous when left unchecked. Autoeroticism is wrong when it violates the Lord’s teaching about moral purity. “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Fantasy can also be dangerous when it creates unrealistic expectation.
Some will protest that when they engage in autoeroticism it is merely a physical act and one they do to relieve stress or boredom. They will insist that they do not succumb to thinking inappropriate thoughts. In his book When Good Men Are Tempted, Bill Perkins writes, “It appears to me that masturbation is amoral. Under some circumstances it’s acceptable behavior. On other occasions it’s clearly wrong” (page 122). He goes on to provide three tests which will gauge whether a particular instance is right or wrong: the thought test (whether the act is accompanied by inappropriate fantasies), the self-control test (whether the act becomes obsessive) and the love test (whether autoeroticism leads to a person failing to fulfill the needs of his or her spouse). I found it interesting that in a book about sexual purity this topic was covered in only two pages and that the pages were at the very end of the book, almost as if this topic was an afterthought. Millions of men and women will tell you that it is far more than an afterthought.
James Dobson teaches a similar view of autoeroticism being amoral. When I was young my parents gave me his book Preparing for Adolescence and I remember this teaching well. He believes that every boy (and most girls) try it and that the guilt brought about by the act destroys many children. Thus he believes parents should rarely speak to their children about it, and if they do, to reassure their children that such practices are normal. Here is what he says on his web site (and thanks to a commenter for digging this up):
It is my opinion that masturbation is not much of an issue with God. It is a normal part of adolescence that involves no one else. It does not cause disease. It does not produce babies, and Jesus did not mention it in the Bible. I’m not telling you to masturbate, and I hope you won’t feel the need for it. But if you do, it is my opinion that you should not struggle with guilt over it. Why do I tell you this? Because I deal with so many Christian young people who are torn apart with guilt over masturbation; they want to stop and just can’t. I would like to help you avoid that agony.
This response is shockingly humanistic. The way to avoid the agony of guilt is not to ignore sin, but to focus on the gospel. Dobson feels that this is an issue young people should not be expected to agonize over. Speak honestly and open to young people, though, and they will tell you that they do want to talk about it and that they do want to be reassured that it is wrong and that they can and should overcome it. The guilt they feel is not irrational but is good guilt, guilt brought about by sin and intended to help correct it.
Like Perkins, Dobson does not engage in a biblical examination of this particular topic. Like Perkins he concludes that autoeroticism is amoral because there is no specific bible passage that allows or condemns the practice. Steve Hays, who writes at Triablogue also wrote recently about the potential amorality of masturbation. “If masturbation is a sin, then it's a little odd that Scripture would leave the believer guessing about its moral status.”
Yet, as we will see, the Bible is not silent and does not leave us guessing. While Scripture may not mention masturbation explicitly, I would suggest that this simply points to the fact that it speaks so much and so thoroughly about sexuality that there is no need to speak about masturbation (just as Scripture speaks so thoroughly about murder and the value of human life that there is no need to speak explicitly about abortion). I believe the Bible’s teaching on sexuality proves that masturbation is sinful whether it is an act accompanied by sinful fantasy or an act that is purely physical.
God’s Purpose in Sexuality
Yesterday we learned that the purpose of sex is to provide ultimate intimacy between a husband and wife. There is no greater expression of vulnerable intimacy between human beings. A close examination of the Scripture’s teaching on sexuality will uncover no reason to believe that God ever intended sex to be a private pursuit. The heart and soul of sexuality is the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure. Sex is intended to be a means of mutual fulfillment where a husband thinks foremost of his wife, and the wife things foremost of her husband. As they fulfill each other’s needs, they have their own fulfilled. It is a beautiful picture of intimacy! As any married couple can testify, the more selfless the sex, the better sex becomes. The more each spouse seeks to please the other, the more fulfilling and gratifying the act becomes. It is beautiful in that regard. As we might expect the opposite is also true. Sex that is completely selfish is sex that is demeaning and unfulfilling (rape, an act of utter selfishness, may be the ultimate expression of selfish sex).
Sex is so important to a marriage that the Bible forbids us from neglecting it. “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5). This deprivation can refer not only to time but to activity. A man should no more deprive his wife over a period of time than he should deprive her by private sexual activity. As married couples can attest to the importance of sex, I’m sure most can also look to times when they neglected this activity and can testify to the difficulties in caused in their marriage. God intends for husbands and wives to have sex with each other and to do so regularly.
And this, the mutual giving and receiving which lies at the heart of God’s purpose for sexuality, is exactly what autoeroticism cannot provide. It strips sexuality of its divine purpose of mutual fulfillment. It takes an act God intends to build relationship and makes it an act of selfish isolation. Masturbation and fantasy attempt to create a false intimacy rather than the true intimacy between a husband and wife that God has built into the marriage relationship.
I remind you again of the passage we looked at yesterday. “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4). A man’s body does not belong to himself, but to his present or future wife, and ultimately to God. A wife’s body belongs to her husband (and to God). Likewise, a single woman’s body belongs to her future spouse and is to be kept pure for him. Neither spouse has the right to express sexuality apart from the other. When the Bible tells a man that he is to express his sexuality exclusively with his wife, why do so many interpret this to mean that he can express his sexuality with his wife or by himself?
How Bad?
By now I think it should be clear that masturbation is a sin—one that ought to be repented of and one that Christians need to fight against. Sadly, though, for many young Christians, it becomes an issue that begins to define their spiritual state. Some people feel such guilt for this act that they begin to question their salvation and begin to see themselves only through the lens of this sin. There is no doubt that this is a serious sin, but it should not be given so much prominence that people can see nothing past it. Josh Harris writes wisely, “When we inflate the importance of this act, we’ll either overlook the many evidences of God’s work in us or we’ll ignore other more serious expressions of lust that God wants us to address.”
Pornography
I want to add a brief word here about pornography. I feel this is relevant to the discussion simply because pornography and masturbation are so closely allied. Despite this connection many discussions of pornography shy away from also discussing masturbation. Yet the whole point of looking at pornography is to fuel sexual fantasy and to culminate in masturbation or another selfish form of sexual expression. Few Christians would argue that pornography is acceptable and yet countless numbers are attracted to it or ensnared by it. Like masturbation, pornography is inherently self-centered. It creates a false intimacy between an anonymous person in a magazine or on a screen and the viewer. It provides escapism and release, but requires no effort and no self-denial. It creates a selfish, self-centered, self-focused perversion of the true, sacred act.
Not A Selfish Pursuit
Do you see, then, how autoeroticism denies the very purpose for which God created sex? Sex was not meant to be a selfish pursuit. It was not intended to focus a person’s thoughts on himself and his own needs. Rather, sex was designed as a means of fulfilling the Lord’s command to esteem another higher than oneself. The pleasure of sex is not meant to be enjoyed in isolation, but to be enjoyed while providing that same pleasure to another. Autoeroticism cannot fulfill God’s design for sexuality, and thus has no place in the life of one who calls himself a Christian.
Gospel
For those who struggle with this sin, take heart, for there is hope. The blood of Jesus was shed for sins like this one and the power of the Holy Spirit has been given to us so that we can overcome sins like this one. This is not a sin that is beyond the power of God to overcome. You can be set free from it.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (71)
Tim, thanks for digging into the Word for answers on this topic. Your comments echo the content of the last few messages that Josh Harris is preaching at Covenant Life Church on Purity. Great messages; I would highly recommend them (I’m not a member, just listen on the podcast.)Speaking as someone who, until the Lord brought me a wife, was a “sex-starved single,” and who even after marriage really had a skewed perspective on what marital intimacy ought to be like, I did want to bring out one point.Since sexual lust is an extremely pervasive sin in the culture as a whole and also the church, I think that sometimes it gets more “airtime” than other types of sin. The fact is that even as a Christian I choose to sin, whether sexually or losing my temper at my children or using my tongue to tear down rather than build up, because in that moment I see the sin as more attractive than Christ’s supreme beauty. John Piper’s teaching in this regard has been most helpful, as the focus becomes less negative (“must avoid sin”) and more positive (“Christ is the greatest treasure, and His promises are far more rewarding than giving in to this particular sin.”) At least for me, it is this perspective which is helping, albeit slowly, in all areas of my life as I struggle against sin.One final point, on being “sex-starved,” whether as a single or married person. I wish that I had this perspective when I was a teenager and before marriage: The Scripture promises that God will withold no good thing from His children (Ps. 34:10, 84:11). I wish that my attitude early in life had been trusting in those promises, so that if for that period of time God had not given me a wife, then what He was giving me at that time was definitively good. I hope to teach my children (and continually remind myself) that I should be Christ-starved, not sex or money or happiness or health or anything else starved.
what if a husband and wife are apart for a period of time (ex. long business trip), do you think it sinful to masterbate while “fantasizing” about one’s own wife? What about if it is mutual while speaking intimately on the phone?
I would side with those that say masterbation is amoral, but most instances are in fact sinful. I also find it interesting that God has instructed us not to participate in sex outside of marriage, homosexual sex, and beastiality, yet makes no mention of masterbation. It seems to me that God knows that sexuality is an area humans are so prone to go astray that He has been purposefully very specific about how it should not be conducted.
Excellent thoughts about an all-too-often feared and avoided subject. I have 2 things to contribute:
1) I would like to add a possible Biblical reference to masturbation, suggested by my New Testament professor at SWBTS when we covered Matthew 5:27-30. The text is well-known:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”
My prof suggested, quite reasonably, I believe, that within the immediate context of lustful intent and eyes that engage in such a sin, the sin of the “right hand” to which Jesus refers is probably masturbation. Anybody have a thought or reaction to this suggestion?
2) Also, I’d like to say a word about the warning in this post and in Harris’ book to avoid over-emphasizing this sin. In fact, I think the church has over-emphasized all sexual sin in that we are so strongly condemning of anyone who may struggle with sexual purity that those who do face a struggle like this (which I believe is a greater number than we realize) are terrified to ever admit to it. Our attitude toward sexual sin is such that when a church member (or even a minister) has struggles with sexual impurity, he is in effect discouraged from making any mention of it, rather than being encouraged to share his burden with his brothers and sisters and receive prayer and support. Thus, many who struggle with sexual purity are left to face the battle alone.
How do we, as the church, and as individual churches, change our attitude toward those who struggle in this area?
Kyle
I just wanted to thank you for such a great and accurate message. It’s always edifying to have someone call sin sin.
“Do you think it sinful to masterbate while “fantasizing” about one’s own wife? What about if it is mutual while speaking intimately on the phone?”
I think the first would definitely be wrong. The second might be within the bounds. Good question and probably one for which there is no easy answer.
“I believe, that within the immediate context of lustful intent and eyes that engage in such a sin, the sin of the “right hand” to which Jesus refers is probably masturbation. Anybody have a thought or reaction to this suggestion?”
My initial reaction would be that this is probably not a correct interpretation. It would, at the very least, be difficult to prove that this is what Jesus meant.
Tim,
Great posts. God’s true purpose for sex (as revealed in Scripture) is the right place to start, rather than simply, “What specific things does the Bible forbid us to do?”.
Two of your statements that are especially helpful:
“Sadly, guilt is not enough of a motive for many of us to curb our sinful behavior.”
That’s right. We need to be so caught up with God’s glory that this sin loses it’s appeal.
“The way to avoid the agony of guilt is not to ignore sin, but to focus on the gospel.”
Amen. This is where the true hope lies. If masturbation is sinful, then there is forgiveness in Christ and hope to overcome it. Where is the hope if it is simply an undesirable habit?
Just one word regarding those who are single. It is tough. I’ve been there. They are more susceptible to this sin- no doubt. But it is naive to think that marriage will solve this problem. External changes (marital status) never eradicate the sin that resides in our hearts. Never. We must seek cleansing by the Holy Spirit and not view marriage as a “quick fix” to this sin. That will simply bring more sinful baggage to your marriage (I know).
Tim, you’re right- this is an issue that needs more discussion in our churches (in appropriate settings). There’s little better than a Christian brother who tracks you down after service and asks, “Hey, man- I was praying for you on your business trip. Did you stay pure?”, then proceeds to encourage you with the gospel if there has been failure. Where else if not the body of Christ?
God’s grace to you,Jeremiah
Is it somewhat simplistic to reduce this issue down to a formula of:
Marital sex = selfless and sinlessMasturbation = selfish and sinful?
Sex even in a marital relationship, after all, can be ridden with selfishness and sin. And there may be occasions - as insinuated in your post - where masturbation can actually be a selfless, amoral act.
I don’t think there is hard-and-fast principle governing here, and the biblical nuances need to be teased out with a little more discernment. After all, when a staunchly conservative spokesperson like Dobson who usually speaks in black-and-white terms offers a tempered shades-of-gray opinion, I think it behooves us to listen.
John said: “Is it somewhat simplistic to reduce this issue down to a formula of:
Marital sex = selfless and sinlessMasturbation = selfish and sinful?”
I quite agree that this is too simplistic and I attempted to make this clear by saying this: “As any married couple can testify, the more selfless the sex, the better sex becomes. The more each spouse seeks to please the other, the more fulfilling and gratifying the act becomes. It is beautiful in that regard.” Sex can be as selfish and, as I indicated in the sentence about rape, more selfish than masturbation.
Thanks, Tim, for a well thought out and well supported discussion of this uncomfortable topic. I anticipate a healthy discussion will ensue, as well as hope sparked in the lives of those who struggle (or not) with this issue.
My - this is quite a topic. Tim - maybe you could follow up with a discussion of Protestants and birth control. It seems that this is another ‘neglected’ issue.
BTW - I agree with a commenter on another post that you really seem to have a niche in dealing with topics of culture and Christianity, applied Christianity, etc.
Kyle asked:How do we, as the church, and as individual churches, change our attitude toward those who struggle in this area?
Kyle, I personally think that like alcoholism, sexual sins, especially pornography need to be brought out in the open. That means that we discuss it in places like Men’s Ministry settings and make it a part of teaching our teenagers. I believe Satan uses the guilt and shame associated with sexual sin to keep us from joining as the body of Christ. We are kept isolated, when we really need to help support and encourage each other.
A concern of mine is that when a church does this, openly discusses sexual sin, the church also needs to be prepared to minister to the wives. We can get so caught up trying to save the sinner that we can, to great detriment, forget the person who is most wounded by the sin being revealed. (hope that makes sense)
I find it interesting how I Corinthians 7:4 reads in two other common Bible translations:
NIV: 4. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
Amplified Bible:4. For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority and control over her own body, but the husband [has his rights]; likewise also the husband does not have [exclusive] authority and control over his body, but the wife [has her rights].
I also find it strange that IF this verse does in fact refer to the act of masterbation, that it is the only one in the Bible, and that it refers to it in an indirect manor. I would agree that there is much sin that goes along with masterbation, but I’m not sure there’s enough Biblical proof to say the act itself is a sin.
My second comment is what about single people? No matter how you interpret I Corinthians 7:4 it is clearly written to married people. Is there one text in the Bible that tells a single person that masterbation is a sin?
TH
Tim this is SO timely that you are posting this. We are getting ready to do a series on sexuality at our church with the youth (middle and high school) and we are planning on taking on the issue of masturbation. Over the past 2 months I have been reading just about every book imaginable on the subject and one of the MOST HELPFUL has been Christopher West’s take on Theology of the Body. (Yes….the Theology written by the Pope…I’m not Catholic but this is an amazing piece of work). I am really having a hard time understanding how masturbation can be “selfless” as John Lee is suggesting.
One other important note is that when a person maturbates (especially a man) he is training his brain. When a man is lusting after a woman and climaxes while looking at her there is a pathway that is made in his brain (which makes it harder to have a healthy pathway with is current or future wife). For more on this I would highly recommend Doug Weiss’s book “Sex, Men and God”
Wow. Haven’t heard this discussed much. Has anyone checked out the message “Slaying the Dragon” by Todd Friel available at wayofthemasterradio.com
Also, I could use some imput about my blog at streetfishing.blogspot.com basically an evangelism audioblog. Let me know what you think at the comments or email me directly. Thanks,
Rob
One more thing to add — some people masturbate because they were sexually abused as a child. There is a camp where these children go to in the summer (these are horribly abused kids) who will masturbate almost constantly. They do it on the bus, in the car, while eating, you name it….we are talking kids as young as 2 up to 18. I think it is important to note, when talking about this, that I don’t believe in this instance it is a sin. These children are coping in the only way that they know how. They are in essence taking control of something that was taken from them. Now at some point these kids will have to deal with this if they want to have a healthy relationship. And isn’t this really what it boils down to? I personally do not think a husband and wife can have true intimacy if one or both are regularly engaging in self-gratification. And if a man truly believes that he can do it without lusting and is doing it to “relieve stress” then I suggest he find a healthier coping mechanism. (Please don’t mishear my tone — I’m saying this in love to my brothers) With this logic it seems that one could justify just about anything that makes them feel better. I liked Josh Harris’s point that if you starve your lust you won’t have the “need” to release. Meaning, if you are a single or married guy and you continually feed your appetite for lust by watching steamy movies, focus in on the Victoria’s Secret commercials, take extra long glances at the Maxim while waiting at the grocery store, then you are going to have a difficult time controlling yourself.
What role do sex hormones play in this? To equate this sin with others seems to ignore that there are no hormones that produce a theft drive or a lying drive. Or is it that sex hormones aren’t activated until our wedding day?
Wait, now John Piper can’t say “ASS” and James Dobson can’t masturbate?
Is anyone else besides me pissed off at how ridiculous these posts have become? I would never let my non-Christian friends read the atrocity that is “Christian bloggers” now.
As C.J. Mahaney so often says, “Please, let’s keep the main thing the main thing!!”
Autoeroticism = I lust for a Ford Mustang.
From reading all the different posts lots of takes on autoeroticism. Much like divorce with the Pharisees in Jesus day, with all their questions trying to justify divorce, you can see this same tactic being applied to Masturbation today with the church. Masturabation can actually be condemned as a form of abased homosexuality, and so from a physical standpoint it is a SIN, the act is NOT amoral in whatever situation.
“As C.J. Mahaney so often says, “Please, let’s keep the main thing the main thing!!”“
It is strange, then, that Mahaney wrote a book about sex and that Josh Harris, his protege, wrote a book on sex and lust (which included a chapter on masturbation). By addressing issues like this I think we are helping keep the main thing the main thing!
I know a Christian Counselor who told me that based on his years of counseling men involved in sin, finding out where it all started, he felt quite confident in saying that if a man is involved with pornography, he is also masturbating, and if he’s involved in masturbating, it’s guaranteed he’s somehow involved with pornography. When I questioned him further, he said he has yet to find one person that was involved in only one of these sins.
Tim, this is a great article. I wish there was a way to discuss this more openly in our churches today. Or at least find a way to get dads talking to their sons about it, and helping them in their struggle against sin. Thanks for the great thoughts!
How I approach these things now is start with the premise that EVERYTHING you do has some sin attached to it. Even sex with your spouse in the Old Testament made you unclean for a day. Having a period or a baby kept a woman out of the presence of God.
So this gets rid of the silly typical evenagelical appraoch to life that we should be focusing on “not sinning” which really is a form of legalism and begins measuring sins instead of looking at Christ who died for the sinners.
After many years of confusion, guilt, and addictive behavior the freedom came when I began to just see that I am a sinner in everything that I do. In fact we have to realize that according to Romans 1 God Himself gave us over to such a condition in hope that we would by embarassed and come to the thankful realization that in spite of ourselves He died for the ungodly.
A person who is stuck in any sinful behavior needs to be led to the mirror to look at who Christ died for. Sometimes after just plain honesty such as this behaviors begin to change. Even if they don’t the addicted person who believes in Christ needs to be shown His Savior again and again.
This is just my opinion but I am cautious when we are trying to explain what is sin and how to “overcme it” to the point that we never even mention that Christ died for sinners even the addicted ones (book such as “Every Man’s Battle comes to mind).
The church almost exclusively speaks of this as a man’s problem, and obviously men struggle in this area. However, women struggle too, and the anonymity of the internet and a sex-saturated culture have greatly increased these problems, particularly among the younger generation of women (who grew up with the internet and nightly news stories about oral sex).
While men may not feel comfortable discussing their struggles in this area, it is nonetheless seen by most as normal, something that all men struggle with on some level. But women who struggle are left not only feeling guilty about their sins, which is normal and healthy, but thinking that something is wrong with them as women. After all, women aren’t tempted by these things, and find it disgusting and baffling that men are (or so much of the church seems to think). [To be fair, more writers are dealing with the different and ever-increasing temptations and struggles that women face today.]
By the way, I’d say that this post was freakishly timely, but it would probably sound better to say I felt God’s perfect timing when I saw the subject of your post. (Corresponded with a long and difficult discussion that took place Wednesday before the first part was posted!) Thanks!
“How I approach these things now is start with the premise that EVERYTHING you do has some sin attached to it. Even sex with your spouse in the Old Testament made you unclean for a day. Having a period or a baby kept a woman out of the presence of God.”
Steve, This is a good observation to show how intrinsically sinful we are in everything we do. I mean the best prayer we could ever offer to God would be inherently sinful and able to damn us. But here is where I digress.
“So this gets rid of the silly typical evenagelical appraoch to life that we should be focusing on “not sinning” which really is a form of legalism and begins measuring sins instead of looking at Christ who died for the sinners.”
I tend to think legalism in the Bible is little phony principles and rules we make up to make ourselves righteous before God, such is the case with all humanistic religion, but observe one thing. There is a distinction between our own original sin, and active disobedience to Christ’s commands. The distinction was called “Known wickedness” by Jonathan Edwards. This sexual sin we speak of falls into that category, and God does not want us to trangress him knowingly. It is the duty of every Christian to mortify known sin. Our whole lives now are devoted to warring against sin in our inner man, the more we go on in our Christian life the more we find how sinful we are. So to paraprase you about Evangelicals focusing on not sinning, this statement islolated can be misleading. If we do not mortify our sin it is terribly dishounarable to God. All true Christians have this desire because they want to be Holy and be where God is.
Thanks for tackling such a tough but important topic. I have never heard anyone use the M-word in church. Yes, it is a sin and can be addictive. But there is hope in Jesus.
I heard Dobson repeat those comments on the radio. He gets lots of things right, but not this one. Yes, kids may do it anyway, and no, we don’t have to pile on the guilt. But the loving thing to do is warn them about sinful and addictive behaviors.
Dgat, I’ll try to explain my view this way:
How is it morified?
By looking at it and to try to stop doing it? By trying to figure out what “things” are sin? I think that this can be a form of “Seeking to be justified in Christ we find ourselves to be sinners” as Paul says in Galatians.
Or by seeing Him as pure and Holy love that came to remove the consequences of our sinnning ways and be convicted that what we are doing is not loving and melt a little more as we rest in His love and then perhaps the changes come.
One is legalism the other is based upon the Gospel message doing the changing in us and God’s Word working.
Motivation is what true preaching will inspire, IMO. Melted away from our sinning ways again and again as we see the Savior and His promises for us.
Thanks for the insight and the time put into this subject. I however am interested in the thoughts of others concerning something I came across last summer. A certain “Christian teacher” was instructing Christian married couples that it was perfectly acceptable for them to use “aides” in their love making. From my perspective something just doesn’t seem quite right with this, and is I believe related to this subject. I had hoped that someone would raise the issue. None did so I took the liberty.
In response to James Dobson’s comments concerning the guilt associated with masturbation, Tim writes:
“This response is shockingly humanistic. The way to avoid the agony of guilt is not to ignore sin, but to focus on the gospel.”
I understand where Tim is coming from and I somewhat agree but I have a couple of questions:
1. Why do we assume that there is guilt associated with masturbation?2. If there is guilt, why do we assume that is God induced?3. How should we handle a topic of this nature in light of:
THESIS ONE: SOLA SCRIPTURAWe reaffirm the inerrant Scripture to be the sole source of written divine revelation, which alone can bind the conscience. The Bible alone teaches all that is necessary for our salvation from sin and is the standard by which all Christian behavior must be measured.
We deny that any creed, council or individual may bind a Christian’s conscience, that the Holy Spirit speaks independently of or contrary to what is set forth in the Bible, or that personal spiritual experience can ever be a vehicle of revelation.
Since no one that has posted has ever experienced this sin (admittedly anyhoo) I will speak from experience. This is something that I struggled with all my post pubescent life. After becoming a Christian, I desired to be a pure and dedicated person in all my being, and sought the Lord about this everyday….with little success. I loved my wife and sought a harmony here but always had more desire than her (frequency & range of experience wise). To start being discrete here I will stop and get to a much richer point that my own defeats in this matter. I am in agreement with most of what you have said Tim… I just admit that it was a life time “demon” for me.
One thing that has not been adequately discussed here is a human’s addictive vulnerability to this and all sexual behaviors. It can literally ruin anyone that has addictive tendencies, unless they can find help (which is almost nonexistent - because of the embarrassment and shame that go along with it). Socially I would much rather be known as an alcoholic than as a sex addict…especially in the Church.
Many of the religions in the Old Testament and days of the early church were sexually oriented (i.e. the temple prostitution in Corinth). Sex has always served as a great sales tool for paganism. Sexual titillation has never been more available and accepted within a culture than it is in our current western culture. I would find it hard to believe that the problem you speak of is not at epidemic levels with so much fuel for the fire available.
3 years ago I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer at a young 51. As it was rather advanced, I received radiation and testosterone removal treatments. Within a few months I lost any desire for sex. I saw women “as trees walking”. I have been given the privilege in this life to know what a eunuch is in the Kingdom. Jesus said this kind of person can serve without distraction. That is 100 % true. It has been both liberating for me and cruel for my wife. Ladies now I feel your pain. Men do not need to ovulate for the sex drive to go into overdrive - to the gals they are by comparison obsessed with sex. Without a sex drive there is no need for fantasy or masturbation. In heaven we will be like the angels, if that means sans sex folks it will be fine!Sex is mostly hormones!
The point I am making is this:
Since some people have “overcome” are they “better” than they were? Are they less sinful than before? Are they more “free”?
No.
But do we give the impression in our preaching and teaching that we would be? Yes.
And that is a big problem. Theologically and psychologically. What does this do to the adict? “I must not really be saved… despair sets in etc.”
Honest self examination will find more and more “sins” (a little gluttony perhaps, some vanity, laziness, where will it end) that we need to be hidden in Christ so God won’t look at us.
The last sentences of the article are telling to me. To be free, as this author would imply, is to stop “doing it”. Problem is then we all would have to say we are not free because an honest self examination would find sins eveyday.
Perhaps the Biblical meaning of freedom is not a change in behavior but rather a change in the consequnces of my behavior. Because of the beating and cruicifixtion of Christ I am innocent before God. The law of I sinned today and so I will die (the law of sin and death Rom 8)) has been taken away. I am not condemend.
Now that message has made me easier to live with. Just ask my wife.
3 Questions:
1. In view of what the human (esp. male) mind can do, is it a sin to read the Song of Songs? What about really meditating in it?
2. If it’s not a sin to eat or to chew for pleasure (e.g. desserts, ice cream, bubblegum) even if that’s not what our mouths were primarily created for, would it be a sin to enjoy the pleasure of our sexual organs, even if there’s no intimacy with another or procreation that results?
3. Does masturbation reduce chances of prostate problems in later age?
We would do better, I think, to stick with the issues that are clear from the Word: lust is sin, fornication is sin, but about this act we have no word. We can deduce from logic and experience that it is usually connected to one or both of those two things, but the act itself is frankly not condemned nor endorsed. So we condemn the sin of lust, and we should stop there, if we desire to base our thesis on clear biblical teaching and not conjecture.
(Sorry: I originally placed this comment in your pt.1 section - it was meant to refer to pt.2!)
Thank you for this mature, balanced, and courageous treatment of the ‘great unspoken’ issue among Christian teens, and men and women. You have a capacity with prose and a lucidity of thought that make your article on a difficult problem a pleasure to read.
I was wondering if you might be adding a postscript to these articles, in terms of practical advice? I think that’s the great strength of Josh Harris’ book. For instance I would be interested in your thoughts on what it means to pluck out our eyes, and cut off our hands in modern terms. As a Pastor I find that it is these kind of nitty gritty practical issues which can be the major stumbling block to those trapped by these behaviours - they want to change but don’t know how.
One tool which I have recommended to a good number of people is Covenant Eyes (www.covenanteyes.com) which is inexpensive, and provides valuable protection from online temptation, as well as establishing good lines of accountability.
Thank you for your blog, Tim. I read it often, but this is my first comment. I’m glad that in spite of the difficulties which you shared about having a popular blog that you continue to challenge and help us through your writings.
Randy Hurst,
Is it your contention that sex hormones are sinful and that removing or disabling them would be liberating?
Tim,
Thanks for writing these excellent articles. this is a subject that in England is very rarelt dealt with. Young people are left with little guidence except Dobson, whom many view as being conservative and reformed despite the fact that so many of his books on counseling show just far humanistic philosphies have poluted his thinking.
To me it is quite simple, God created sexual pleasure to be shared in the marriage enviroment, nowhere else. Self gratification is demonstarting an interest in number 1, it is not sharing.
We can all try and excuse our actions, blaming hormones etc, the same can be said of Homosexuality. We can all try and blame our past or our upbringing. Imagine standing before the throne of God and saying ‘well it was my hormone you see!’ Sin is sin period.
Sins of actions however are usually very complicated affairs involving more then one individual sin, involved in this type of sin there is adultery, fornication, selfishness, covetousness and failure to put God first and other sins in thought and deed. At this level it is no worse then any other sin, it is our embarrasmnet to discuss it that causes the issues.
To those who say the bible does speak of it and we hold to Sola Scriptura I suggest you revisit what the reformers meant by that term. They understood that they scriptures lay down principles for dealing with situations rethare then a detailed list of do’s and don’ts for all situations, for example the regulative Principle, Christian liberty etc.
I also suggest you look at the greek term pornea and how Paul uses it in his writings!
I also suggest you look at Onan in genesis, not that he masturbated, his sin was using sex for his own selfish gratification rather then for procreation and rasing a seed to his brother - he wanted to have sex with his brothers wife and he wanted satisfaction - a similar situation I would suggest
dave matre
“Is it your contention that sex hormones are sinful and that removing or disabling them would be liberating?”
Not in the least Dave. No contention whatsoever. I simply related my experience. Hormones are part of how God made us as creatures on this earth. They are chemical magnets. They help make life exciting and interesting, but most importantly as Tim has pointed out from the Word and as others that have interpreted it, it is a bonding and intimacy tool in the ideal.
In all the years that I counseled folks I seldom heard ideals being completely realized. AA has much to teach Christians (they actually borrowed much from us). We are all sin addicts that need to admit that we are sin addicts everyday. We may be sin free at any given moment, but we are always one temptation away from a relapse. Most people (believers included) who aspire to the Ideal of God’s best intentions for us go through this life only getting closer. I’m yet to meet anyone who has attained perfection. If you look at our lives from the eternal perspective, we are all at different places on the path. But the gift of God in Christ is a sure destination once we are covered by the Blood of Christ.
Sin is wrapped up in our total being. Sex IS wrapped up in our hormonal production.
Jesus said that the control of our urges (toward sin) was important enough to cut off appendages (certainly hyperbole). I was willing to admit that my issues were resolved by the elimination of the hormone. I will admit that there are many ramifications of this statement. I would love to see them discussed at greater length.
The use of a luteinizing hormone releasing hormone (LHRH) agonist is also known as chemical castration. I am all for those that have tendencies toward child molestation and the rape (where do stop? adultery or masturbation?) should volunteer for this treatment. It should definitely be administered to those that are found guilty (again, stopping at what sin or crime). The big problem is expense.
I know this is a controversial statement, but for those tormented and unable to find complete resolution on the spiritual side it may be the only answer. Before you go to a quick answer consider this. There are those in the Christian community that advocate NO medical intervention for any physical or mental problem. They advocate letting God do it in his way.
RabbiT
“Does masturbation reduce chances of prostate problems in later age?”
In this random sampling of one NO.
Randy,
You mentioned AA. Would you agree that dealing with masturbation is different than dealing with other sins, such as alcoholism, since a drive to drink is not a part of our designed biological make-up?
My response to Mykee and his comments about “aides” used in lovemaking is, what are we talking about? I believe for example that if one’s wife has a long history of inability to reach orgasm because of anatomical issues, then her use of an aide such as a “v” device (trying to be discreet here) while the two are mutually involved in foreplay, is not sinful. I also do not believe it would be sinful if the device were needed to bring her to the point of climax while in the context of the husband being involved in whatever ways he can to help her feel loved and cared for. Maybe this question and discussion is outside of Tim’s topic however, so not sure where it fits but I believe Mykee’s right in bringing it up as something else we avoid in christian discussion.
dave matre
“You mentioned AA. Would you agree that dealing with masturbation is different than dealing with other sins, such as alcoholism, since a drive to drink is not a part of our designed biological make-up?”
Addictive behaviors are all tied together. Of course those that are stimulated by the introduction of chemicals into our brains (nicotine, alcohol, cannabis, narcotics, hormones, sugar, and grits) will be more closely connected than those that are stimulated by blogging, theological gnat straining, or Tetris.
I think a differentiation needs to be made here between tendencies, addictions, and hostile acts toward our fellow human. We Christians make a big deal about one leading to the next, but by that logic, correctly, we are all but a few misplaced steps away from a serious crisis in our lives. By grace we are saved from those steps too.
Randy (or anyone for that matter),
Let me re-phrase the question. I think we both would agree that if someone has thoughts about robbing someone, that would indicate something is wrong. If someone has thoughts about eating, it would not necessarily indicate a problem. Indeed, if someone never thought about or had the inclination to eat, it would be abnormal. If a pubescent teenage boy has thoughts about sex, should it be treated like thoughts of robbery or thoughts of eating, i.e., instruction in the proper handling (warning against gluttony, poor nutrition, etc.)? If a pubescent boy never has thoughts about sex, should that concern the parents?
English Friend:
Onan’s sin wasn’t self-gratification at all. It was the shirking of levirate responsibility. That’s it.
I HIGHLY recommend two books, one which covers sexual addiction as one common addictions of humankind:
Welch, Edward T. (2001). Addictions: A banquet in the grave.
This one is excellent, as it views all addictions fundamentally as “a worship disorder” (though it does not minimize the role of chemical addictions, and discusses detox and such for drug addictions). I thought it was extremely well-written, and convicting. All addictions come back to one of the three excesses which we are warned of in the Bible: Sex, Food, and Wine (which would include all alchohol and drugs). None may be bad in moderation and in the right context, but all are pleasures that can be misused to the point of abuse and behavioral addiction.
The other is specific to sexual addictions:
Schaumburg, H. W.(1997). False Intimacy: Understanding the struggle of sexual addiction.
Even though it’s 10 years old now, it captures the dangers of cybersex and internet pornography, which have grown tremendously (plus the internet is almost universal in homes here now, much moreso than 1997). Talks about using sex to cope with or avoid true relationally intimacy. Tim pointed out earlier that the temptation of masturbation is not something that stops with marriage, because it doesn’t require as much work (no making nice conversation or working for the other’s pleasure). By the way, this book also covers a problem that may seem the polar opposite of sexual addiction: being sexually repelled (classic example being the stereotypical cold wife who hates and avoids having sex with her husband as much as possible).
Both books are excellent. Welsh’s, specifically, is helping me realize that I can overcome a number of “besetting sins” that have plagued me. So often, books don’t want the sinner to feel even more discouraged, which is good, but then they talk about relapse as so inevitable it almost doesn’t seem like a choice. All of our sins, big or little, are choices. Even chemical addictions begin with choices, and are continued by choices (though these choices are much harder to resist given the effect of the chemicals on our brains).
dave
You answered your questions before you asked them. Interesting format for discourse…
My answer is Yes. I agree with you agreeing with you. *smiles*
Randy,
Refresh my memory. Did I think thoughts of sex should it be treated like thoughts of robbery or thoughts of eating? Did I think that parents should be concerned about a teenage boy who never thinks of sex?
When I was a youth pastor, youth specialties put out an article arguing that masturbation is not only amoral, but can actually be done for the glory of God. Here is a direct quote: “It therefore follows that the best way to masturbate is to focus the mind on God, giving thanks for the pleasure which the person is feeling and for the gift of sexuality that has been given, as well as gratitude for the ability to gain a needed sexual release without illicit sexual contact.” If anyone wants a perspective on the type of thinking that is occuring in many youth ministry circles, I encourage you all to read this whole article. It is found here:
http://www.youthspecialties.com/articles/topics/sexuality/masturbation.php
Thanks Tim, for addressing this issue from a biblical and truly God-honoring perspective!
When I was a youth pastor, youth specialties put out an article arguing that masturbation is not only amoral, but can actually be done for the glory of God. Here is a direct quote: “It therefore follows that the best way to masturbate is to focus the mind on God, giving thanks for the pleasure which the person is feeling and for the gift of sexuality that has been given, as well as gratitude for the ability to gain a needed sexual release without illicit sexual contact.” If anyone wants a perspective on the type of thinking that is occuring in many youth ministry circles, I encourage you all to read this whole article. It is found here:
http://www.youthspecialties.com/articles/topics/sexuality/masturbation.php
Thanks Tim, for addressing this issue from a biblical and truly God-honoring perspective!
Dave.
My bad. I thought the questions were retorical. Sorry if you didn’t see your answers as easy as I did. To make your answers more direct and less implied. Eating. Yes. *more smiles*
Drliz
Thanks for the resources.
Randy,
Thanks for the clarification. Based upon some of the comments here, do you think others would consider that assessment to be humanistic?
1Cor 8:23 “Everything is permissible”-but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”-but not everything is constructive. 24 Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. (NIV)
1 Cor 6:12 “Everything is permissible for me”-but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”-but I will not be mastered by anything. (NIV)
I have found the above two passages from Paul very helpful a number of times. I have always thought that masturbation (without lust, porn etc.) fell into the realm of the above two verses. There are a number of other behaviors that can be covered by these verses as well. I basically used these passages as a way to quit smoking. I didn’t have to decide whether smoking was a sin or not, but it definitely wasn’t beneficial or constructive and I was most assuredly mastered by it. And since I am a slave to Christ and therefore Christ is my Master, I didn’t want to be mastered by anything else. I try to apply these verses to everything I do. Of course I still have a long way to go to remove everything that isn’t beneficial or constructive from my life, but I’ve come along way.
Rom 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.