The Successor®

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Gaithersburg, MD - From Sovereign Grace Ministries, based in Gaithersburg, Maryland, comes news of an exciting new competition. Throughout the Fall, Sovereign Grace Ministries (SGM) will travel the length and width of America, visiting malls and megachurches across the nation seeking The Successor®.

The ministry expects more than 10,000 young men to vie for their chance to become The Successor®. Of the thousands of candidates, eighteen will be chosen to travel to Gaithersburg where an eighteen-week competition will gradually reduce the number to one. The winner of this competition will be named The Successor® and will become apprentice to C.J. Mahaney. He will be groomed to succeed Mahaney as leader of Sovereign Grace Ministries.

Mahaney serves on the Council of the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, and on the boards of The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) and the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. He is the author of The Cross Centered Life; Christ Our Mediator; Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know, Humility: True Greatness, and Living the Cross Centered Life. He is no stranger to such competitions. In 1998 he conducted a similar competition to choose his successor as Senior Pastor of Covenant Life Church. Surprisingly, there was only one applicant and, after a long and grueling competition with himself, Josh Harris was declared The Successor®.

Upon arrival in Gaithersburg, contestants, who will live together in a dorm-like setting, will be divided into two teams: Team Humility and Team Servant. Each week the teams will be assigned a task and required to select a Servant Leader to lead in the task. The winning team will receive a reward while the losing team will face elimination. Rewards are expected to vary from opportunities to meet backstage with Bob Kauflin during the GLAD reunion tour (GLAD will be opening for POD on their upcoming tour) to time alone with C.J. on the shores of Lake Mahaney (which is to say the reservoir immediately behind Covenant Life Church).

sgm.jpgEach week the losing team will meet in the Spurgeon Room where a showdown will take place that will see Mahaney fire the weakest contestant. Elimination will proceed in two phases. In the first stage, every one of the members of the losing team will be confronted with their successes and their failures. They will be given the opportunity to plead their case. The Servant Leader will then select one or two team members he feels are most responsible for the loss and they will accompany him to the Spurgeon Room where they will face a final showdown with Mahaney. After further examination by C.J. and his assistants, one contestant will be fired. Because the words “You’re fired!” are no longer in the public domain, Sovereign Grace Ministries has trademarked the phrase, “Would you please serve us by serving somewhere else!” and these are the words it is expected Mahaney will use to declare his decision and remove a contestant.

The eliminated contestant will be immediately sent home while the others will continue in the competition. He will be given an opportunity to say his final words as he is driven to nearby Baltimore Washington International Airport.

Serving as Mahaney’s assistants will be the stern-faced Carolyn McCulley and the long-serving Bo Lotinsky. They will be his “eyes and ears” on the ground during competitions and will be expected to provide updates to Mahaney. They will be present in the Spurgeon Room during the elimination showdowns and will be free to scold contestants or to ask questions of them.

While the details of individual tasks remain a closely guarded secret, rumors have long circulated on the Internet that one would involve re-organizing “the world’s best bookstore” which is in the lobby of Covenant Life Church. Currently selling primarily books, teams will be expected to integrate the most exciting, humble and discerning Christian potpourri and Bible-zines, thus raising the store’s profitability. Another task will involve redesigning the covers of C.J. Mahaney’s books to increase the visibility of overtly religious iconography.

When only four candidates remain, they will face a long and grueling series of interviews with a wide variety of church leaders and theologians. Each of these interviewers will provide their assessments of the candidates to Mahaney. The two weakest candidates will be fired, leaving two finalists. These two will embark on a head-to-head competition which will ultimately determine the winner. While details are sketchy, it is expected that one finalist will be required to teach a day-long course defending cessationism at the Sovereign Grace Pastor’s college while the other will have to teach a course defending continuationism at the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.

The season finale will be held live in the Covenant Life Church auditorium. Mahaney, McCulley and Lotinsky will be given a final opportunity to grill the remaining two candidates. And finally Mahaney will announce his decision. The winner will become The Successor® and will eventually succeed C.J. Mahaney as leader of Sovereign Grace Ministries. He will be hired at an extremely average salary and will be expected to move into the Mahaney home for at least one year. He will accompany Mahaney to conferences, preaching engagements and pick-up basketball games, thus learning the skills he will need to successfully serve as leader.

Because of SGM’s complimentarian beliefs, the competition is open only to men. Additionally, only men aged eighteen to thirty will be considered. While evidence of the early onset of male pattern baldness will not be considered a necessity, most industry insiders expect that it will be regarded as an asset.

Television rights to the competition have been sold to the Trinity Broadcasting Network and the show is expected to air coast-to-coast. It will be slotted between This Is Your Day with Benny Hinn and Daily Affirmation from Lakewood Church with Joel and Victoria Osteen.

Stay tuned for details of Sovereign Grace Ministries’ coast-to-coast search for candidates coming this Fall. You could be The Successor®!

Comments (53)

1
Anonymous's picture

I’m in! (chuckles)…I love these guys!!

p.s. I got two books by C.J., does that count as a plus?

2
Anonymous's picture

You actually had me going there for a just a minute - shows how gullible I am! This is hilarious - any feedback from the Covenant Life guys?!

3
Anonymous's picture

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

4
Anonymous's picture

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

5
Anonymous's picture

Because it seems there is a new reality show on tv almost daily, this is GREAT! What a way to laugh on a rainy day!! Thanks!pianomom

6
Anonymous's picture

How much did they pay you to write this?

7
Anonymous's picture

I meet the requirements AND have the early onset of male pattern baldness! YES!! sign me up!this reminds of the day, back at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest, NC, the announcement went out that Josh McDowell is seeking a young man to act as an intern/personal assistant for 1 year. There sure is something appealling about that for a young man; to be guided and taught by someone they look up to as a powerhouse of faith

8
Anonymous's picture

As I began to read this post, I seriously felt like throwing up. With all that is going on in the evangelical church, it seemed for a paragraph or so that a pillar had lost his mind. Obviously, I need another cup of coffee since the dawning of your verbal prank took so long to seep into my brain.

It’s not nice to fool old ladies, even for a few seconds!

9
Anonymous's picture

Whoa! What did you eat for dinner last night?

10
Anonymous's picture

I’m too old. I have too much hair. I stink at athletics.

If I get to be the cessationist, I’m LOL. If I get to be the continuationist, I’m ROTFL.

11
Anonymous's picture

brilliant

12
Anonymous's picture

Would you please serve us by serving somewhere else!”

By far your funniest line in a long time!

LOL!

13
Anonymous's picture

Ummmm…. praying for you and you dear wife. THis was certainly HILARIOUS and VERY ENTERTAINING!!!! But you remind me of my husband the week before he was supposed to be downstairs studying for boards… when low and behold I find him leaving comments on Challies blog. Remember that? Aren’t you supposed to be writing a book or something? And I can only imagine how many books you have stacked up in your library that you are supposed to be reviewing… or have you resorted to reading Far Side cartoons again?

14
Anonymous's picture

You know, for a split second I thought you were serious. I must be losing my mind.

Best post EVER.

15
Anonymous's picture

Aren’t you supposed to be writing a book or something?”

How do you know I haven’t excerpted this from the forthcoming book…mom…

16
Anonymous's picture

The Spurgeon Room? Clever…

Best part? Early onset of baldness being an asset.

17
Anonymous's picture

This was great! It was the second-most enjoyable thing I’ve read all day.

18
Anonymous's picture

I thought the picture of the four guys was a picture of the Wiggles.

19
Anonymous's picture

This is hilarious!

From someone who attends a Sovereign Grace church, this is hilarious! (I had to say it twice because it is so hilarious! Three times!)

I’m sending all my friends towards this link!

20
Anonymous's picture

Hysterical laughter is echoing around the Sovereign Grace offices.

21
Anonymous's picture

Wow. April 1st is months and months away! You are a very mean man.

22
Anonymous's picture

Thanks for the laugh.

Between Benny Hinn and Joel Osteen, at least it would get lots of viewers

23
Anonymous's picture

Since there are no malls or mega churches where I live I guess I won’t be up for consideration. Perhaps they would be willing to meet me at the stump. I usually do my best preaching there anyway.

24
Anonymous's picture

LOL! great spin on the apprentice …. I anticipate many fruitful years from CJ and the team before the baton is passed to the next leaders of SGM. There are many young men already being discipled at many local churches, many with gifting for extra local responsibilities.

In all seriousness though, what an exciting thought this post brings, there will be a day when CJ and the TEAM would have run the race to its finish line and there will be another group that would have the benefit of their discipleship to take off running without missing a beat. What a good day that will be, where the FAITHFUL One will hold it all for His own glory.

LOL! thanks for the laugh. Smiles,

25
Anonymous's picture

Hilarious! I laughed my head off. Tim, you’ve had some funny moods lately!

26
Anonymous's picture

I knew it…the reformed bandwagon has gone prime time.

Wow, you are good at making this legit. :)

27
Anonymous's picture

Tim,

So is this the fruit of your pre-dawn walks? Very, very funny.

28
Anonymous's picture

Nice job. Apparently someone leaked a little too much information about Sovereign Grace practices to you… :grin:

I think I’m afraid of Bo and Carolyn too. Bo will probably send bad contestants to pack orders in the Sovereign Grace warehouse.

Word to the contestants: keep your New Park Street Pulpit and Metropolitan Tabernacle sermons separate when you talk about Spurgeon. :grins:

29
Anonymous's picture

What? No swimsuit competition?

30
Anonymous's picture

Some fine and friendly mockery! BTW, how will you find your successor when you’re too old to blog?

Yours truly, Just Wonderin

: )~

31
Anonymous's picture

Stern-faced?!?

32
Anonymous's picture

Tim,

Too funny! Whoever takes over for CJ will HAVE to be unusually gifted athletically - and humble too! Very clever. Tim, thanks for all you do. (Mike Gilland - a Sovereign Grace Pastor in Gainesville, FL)

33
Anonymous's picture

Thanks for the laugh, needed it, such a blessing!

34
Anonymous's picture

You totally had Rick and I going! You’re good!

35
Anonymous's picture

ahh… excellent!

Would you please serve us by serving somewhere else!”

thank you for the laughs!

36
Anonymous's picture

That’s hilarious! I would’ve loved to have seen something like this.

37
Anonymous's picture

Tim,

How did you get to be so cool? Can you train me to be as funny and as rad as you are? Perhaps its a Canadian thing.

You Rock!

I can’t wait to see you at the Piper conference!

38
Anonymous's picture

…only men aged eighteen to thirty will be considered.“ Wha?

Harumph. Don’t these people know their Bibles?

Numbers 4:3from thirty years old up to fifty years old, all who can come on duty, to do the work in the tent of meeting.

Numbers 4:23From thirty years old up to fifty years old, you shall list them, all who can come to do duty, to do service in the tent of meeting.

Numbers 4:30From thirty years old up to fifty years old, you shall list them, everyone who can come on duty, to do the service of the tent of meeting.

Numbers 4:35from thirty years old up to fifty years old, everyone who could come on duty, for service in the tent of meeting;

Numbers 4:39from thirty years old up to fifty years old, everyone who could come on duty for service in the tent of meeting—

Numbers 4:43from thirty years old up to fifty years old, everyone who could come on duty, for service in the tent of meeting—

Numbers 4:47from thirty years old up to fifty years old, everyone who could come to do the service of ministry and the service of bearing burdens in the tent of meeting….

I rest my case.

:)

(Texts courtesy ESV Search)

39
Anonymous's picture

Tim,

This is it. You have actually achieved the perfect blog. Time to retire as there is nowhere to go but down from here.

That was sensational.

40
Anonymous's picture

Outstanding! or as CJ would say “Excellent! Truly Excellent!” As a long-time member of CLC who has gone through CJ passing the baton to Josh this was absolutely hilarious. Your post also reveals you have been a keen observer of SGM. The “Would you please serve us by serving somewhere else!” quote was too much!

41
Anonymous's picture

Good job Tim. When I saw the picture, I just started luaghing. I knew you were up to something.

MBSSoli Deo Gloria

42
Anonymous's picture

I just broke out in a cold sweat…

Thanks. :)

43
Anonymous's picture

wow. it’s going to be so much fun and such a privilege to work with you. very nice. :)

44
Anonymous's picture

As a member of CLC, I have to say that was funny! In case any of you guys (and gals) have never been to CLC, we actually have a conference room called the Spurgeon room and Lake Mahaney is actually a drainage pond. I the part about male baldness is really funny as several (I want to say 8) of our pastors are bald by choice or nature. Thanks for the laugh!

45
Anonymous's picture

Wow … your knowledge of Covenant Life Church is just scary. How did you pull out Bo Lotinksy’s name? He’s the perfect guy to play the role you are talking about.

You just need to move to Gaithersburg, join CLC, and be done with it. You have way too much knowledge of this church already. And yes, Ricky, we all know Bo would send the bad contestants down to the warehouse. Although making the warehouse look like a Starbucks might just be one of the tasks assigned. The rest of the offices have that look.

46
Anonymous's picture

How did you pull out Bo Lotinksy’s name? He’s the perfect guy to play the role you are talking about.”

Of all the people I have met from SGM, I figured Bo and Carolyn were the two least likely to be in these positions. “Stern-faced Carolyn McCulley?” Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look stern, even when I was talking to her after she pulled a 24-hour shift editing a DVD

47
Anonymous's picture

Ahh, so you’ve met him. ;)

He’s a great guy … I meant that if anyone in the SGM office that I know would be George (the previously unknown, behind the scenes guy who gets stuff done and offers good, pratical critiques), it would be Bo Lotinsky.

Although he isn’t cranky.

48
Anonymous's picture

When I heard that one of the prizes was hanging with “C.J. on the shores of Lake Mahaney” I was pumped.Then I remembered that I didn’t know what said Lake looked like and wondered why I hadn’t seen it before.Thus, I turned to the internet and my friend Google.

Imagine my surprise when I found a Mrs Butterworth shaped ditch behind the church…map”>map”>http://maps.google.com/maps?q=7501+Muncaster+Mill+Rd,+Gaithersburg,+MD+20877&ie=UTF8&om=1&z=18&ll=39.154911,-77.151124&spn=0.001876,0.005407&t=h”>mapor http://tinyurl.com/my9qt

I guess I’ll finish this last semester of engineering and start looking for a job in that area… I’m so disappointed!:)

49
Anonymous's picture

As a member of a SGM church out here in Arizona, I had to read and read it, to make sure it was satire. I even emailed it to my pastor, to double check :)

Very funny.

50
Anonymous's picture

brilliant- thanks for the laughs!