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Who Do You Love More?
- 08/20/08
- 79
I made my children cry. A short time ago my son and daughter came to me and Abby, representing both of them, I suppose, asked the kind of question little girls ask. It was a question they must have been thinking, or perhaps arguing, about. “Daddy, who do you love more, Mommy or us?” I thought for just a moment and told them the truth. They cried.
The fact is, I love their mother more than I love them and I told them as much. I did so gently and lovingly but with confidence that I am right to feel this way. I love my children desperately. I love them with the kind of love that wants only the best for them and which seeks to protect them from the pain and anger and evil that are so prevalent in this world. I pray for them continually, asking that God would protect them even from me and from my ineptitude and sin and ignorance. I never chose to love my children. From the moment Aileen and I learned that they were growing inside her, I loved them. I spoke to them and sang to them and prayed for them before they were born; I walked the house with them night after night when they were tiny; I love them fiercely and love to spend time with them. And still their mother has first place in my heart.
There are undoubtedly different kinds of love and we cannot necessary equate the passionate, romantic love I have for my wife with the parental love I have for my children. Where I never chose to love my children, I did choose to love Aileen, or I did as much as anyone can exercise his will in such matters of the heart. There came a time when I set my heart on her and committed myself to loving her for better or for worse.
When my children asked me who I loved more, I explained to them that the primacy of my love for their mother is a good thing that will give stability to all of our lives. They may be too young to really understand this, but some day it will make sense to them. If I were to love my children more than my wife, I might allow them to stand between me and her; were I to love them more, I might allow them to disrupt my relationship with my wife and divide our family. I have seen that happen in too many families. Because mom and dad are not first and foremost committed to each other, a child can stand between them and divide them. Too many family have been torn apart in exactly this way. Mom chooses daughter over dad and the family is ripped apart.
But I am not going to allow this to happen in my family. Because Aileen is my first love, I will not allow anyone or anything to stand between us—even people we love as much as our very own children. Our love for each other does not enter us into some kind of competition with our children; rather, it is an expression of our love and concern for them. It is exactly what they need most to grow up in a stable home where mom and dad will remain together, committed under God to each other and to them. And I pray that some day they will find loving spouses whom they love more than us and more than anyone else.
So tell me. Would you have answered the question as I did? Or is it really the kind of question which, because it crosses categories, should not be answered at all?
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (79)
I think that Tim probably had the best answer in that he did not give them a vague “I love you unconditionally.” The kids probably were looking for a literal answer, they are literal. It’s not good to dodge questions. We hate it when politicians dodge questions, why wouldn’t kids hate the dodged question?
But the answer that mom comes first is good, especially if explained well.
You see: you need to answer that question before you write a book on discernment. Now hand me a sword so I can sut that baby in half …
Sorry to pipe up again, but this conversation has been sticking in my head all day!
1. Mothers and fathers answer differently: witness the above comments. For the most part, the dads seem to agree with Tim. Perhaps this issue is a classic case of the difference between men & women, mothers & fathers? For my own part, I could never give the whole “primacy issue” explanation—even if it is right. Maybe it’s just because I’m hardwired to be a nurturer.
2. I polled my own focus group (aka my husband). He said, “Yes, I love you more” (without hesitation). But he wouldn’t ever say this to the kids. He would go with the “it’s different” approach.
3. To Alexandra’s comment: wow, this really disturbed me.
Wow, the logic of calvinism applied to parenting. I would explain that love isn’t something you have a limited supply of, that you don’t dole out portions, making sure mom gets more. By all means, make your wife the priority, don’t allow the kids to divide the marriage, all good counsel, but you love your wife and your kids with all your heart. Hint: if someone compares the way you think about your kids with a finer point of theological argument (see Jake, #4) it may be time to re-think that approach.
I remember the day I asked the same question to my mother and she replied just like you. I was crushed…for a few hours as I tried to understand. I believe that it is important for children to know that their parents love for each other is greater than for their children. No long-term harm for me, although I do remember it and I would suspect my mother would not.
Wow! Honesty is always the best policy in my book, but along with that, everything should be spoken in love. I applaud you for doing both, and your kids will one day thank you for it, even if they do not understand right now. They will not forget this moment, and to me that is a wonderful thing to know. Later down the road, if they see you two upset with one another they will not think twice about how much you love one another. They will remember what you told them years back, and know that since you haven’t stopped loving them, then there is no way you have stopped loving their mother.
This is a wonderful thing to bring up, and one for me to think about, due to the fact that I don’t presently have children. This helps me prepare for that sort of situation. Thanks.
Tim,
My four kids, at the dinner table, asked me the same question, and I gave them the same answer. They didn’t understand, or take it without questions or complaints, but I guarantee this: They were thinking about it that night when they went to bed… And I’m praying that their little minds are being shaped and molded as this very truth surfaces again and again as they grow.
Blessings,Al
Only the relationship between a husband and wife is said to be “One Flesh”.
I’ve never understood the common thinking that places children before all others.
I feel the same way you do, but… I have two boys and I’ve always told them “I’m raising you to leave”. I don’t know if I would have differently with daughters.
I think they will grow to see that the greatest love you can demonstrate towards them is to love their mom with all of your heart.
Alexandra,
I was going to applaud your response, but then I decided it was unnecessary. After seeing some criticism, I decided to chime in:
I applaud your decision to put your husband above your children and to make that plain to them. I have seen so many difficult family situations that result when one spouse has children that do not belong to the other. It seems to me that a general trend in those situations is the children taking over the primary position in the mother’s (or father’s, as the case may be) eyes.
My boys, 7 and 9, know that I love their mom more than anyone on earth. I can assure you that they are comforted by this. In this day and age of commonplace divorce, I believe that kids need to know that their parents love each other and have a commitment to each other that is bigger than any other relationship. I tell my wife I love her in front of my kids and they see me ‘steal’ kisses and hugs. It makes them smile and giggle every time. They are not threatened by this love for her because they know how much I love them.
The love for your children is different in nature than the love you have for your wife. When my wife and I were in pre-marriage counseling , the Pastor made it clear that we were to love each other uniquely and never begin to love a child more than your spouse. My mother ,at the time, was appalled , saying that your children are first . But I watched that drive a distance between my Father and her , and when she died of cancer , I think she realized what it meant that you should love your spouse first . A healthy home , with parents who love each other in a biblically modeled pattern , will only leave healthy children . Plus who hasn’t seen a couple fall apart after the children are gone, and the two are steering at each other over dinner , total strangers . Plus its not that you don’t love your children , or that you wouldn’t defended them to the point of death but the love have is very particular for your wife and has a depth that your children cannot provide.
When you put God before your wife, you are actually able to love her more than you would if you put her first. Similarly, if you put your wife before your children, you are able to love your children better than if you put them first.
I don’t know if I would have answered the same way—depending on their age and maturity I might have gone with the different love approach. However, we have always told our children that our marriage relationship comes first, above our relationships with them, and why. It’s a different way of saying the same thing, I think, but maybe not as likely to make them cry. :-)
So I’m disproving Elizabeth Esther’s theory, because I’m a mom four times over and I think you’re right on this one.
Tim-Who do you love more, me or your fish? Just trying to get a sense of where I fall on the love totem pole =)
Rick - Don’t feel too bad. I understand they are really, really nice fish…
It would appear from a couple situations in Jesus’ life that he didn’t have a problem dealing with love/hate issues that “crosses categories”. (Luke 14:26, John 21:15-17) And at least in his conversation with Peter it’s pretty obvious he expected a yes or no answer.
Don’t know if you did or not, but it would have been an appropriate follow-on to tell your children that you “love God even more than mommy”, then explain why that is a good thing. Besides, didn’t Jesus say the greatest command was to “love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” and then your neighbor (including wife and children) come after that?
I haven’t read through all the comments but was thinking about this on the way in to work this morning and had the thought that if presented with this question from my own kids, I would probably explain that husbands are to love their wives like Christ Himself loves the Church. Now, the Church itself is a wonderful thing—it helps to produce (in conjunction with the power of Christ) and sustain the true children of God, adopted into His glory. But Christ came and died for the Church. He did not lay down His life for just any single believer (or child of God), but for the entire body of believers. And though it is a great mystery (as Paul said when speaking of marriage in Ephesians), husbands are to love and see their wives the same way Christ did and does the Church. For children may come and go—for different reasons—in the lives of their earthly father and mother as much as their spiritual ones. But if the union between the husband and wife is not the most important thing, then the foundation of love on which the children should grow will not be able to sustain them. (Somehow this seemed so much clearer when I was thinking about it on the drive in this morning). The point I am trying to make is that I would want my kids know that there is a definite relation between the marriage of man and his wife and their children, and Christ and the Church and the congregation. There is not a single member of the Church that is more important than the Church herself to the Holy Bridegroom of Christ.
Peace & Blessings,Simple Mann
I think I sit somewhere between the two camps here. Here’s what I’m thinking:
We’re supposed to love God with ALL our heart. Well…ALL means all. Like, the whole thing, so there wouldn’t *logically* be anything left to love with after all of it is loving God. Yet we’re commanded to love others, too. So, a couple of things, then: 1. Loving others must be part of loving God; 2. We must have an “infinite” capacity for love. So we can love our children “as much as” our spouse, without devaluing the love for our spouse. As well, our “children love” doesn’t fraction itself off with an increase in the number of children. Love can’t be quantified.
More clearly (I hope), I think that the type of love I’m to have for my husband manifests itself in a way that makes him more important than my daughter (and hopefully future children) in a *practical* way. I would say I love my daughter as much as I love my husband, but it’s a love that certainly looks different! Basically, I don’t know that I could quantify either love, but lived out, I prioritize my husband before my children…knowing that one day, Lord willing, I will send my daughter off to a new home, but I will be with my husband all of my days.
Way to sit on the fence, self!
Interesting topic and discussion. I’ve noticed that many mourn a spouse for a time and then remarry but those who lose a child are affected for the rest of their lives and sometimes never get over it. We all know what the right answer is but it’s all hypothetical and difficult to quantify until we experience actual loss and bereavement.
One of your kids might as well have posed you with this scenario: Mommy and I both need a heart transplant. Without it we will die in a week. It turns out that you are the only one in the world who has the heart that we need. Which one of us, if any, would you choose to give your heart to?
Your answer was, “I love mommy more.” Hmmm… .
How about this answer — “That question doesn’t make any sense! One can’t quantify and prioritize love especially two different kinds of love. My love for mommy is different than my love for you. In fact my love for you wouldn’t exist without my love for mommy. My love for you is the way it is because I love mommy. My love for you means that I… ”
My kids once asked me that very question and I answered very similarly to Tim. Their reply ? “WHAAAAAAAAT?? That’s not fair!!” But the huge grin on their faces gave them away. (I still makes me smile just thinking about it)
It seems to me that everytime the say “Fine, then I’ll go ask Mom!” They are asking the same question again. And when I say “You try that and you won’t like what happens!” they are getting the same answer.
My kids know their place, and they love it. After all, when the woman they love more than anyone else in the world is the only one that I love more than them…what’s not to like?
Reminds me of the story of the little boy who asked his father where he came from. The dad launched into a rather extensive “birds and the bees” lecture to his wide-eyed son, who responded, “Oh, really? My friend Johnny said he came from Detroit.”
While your answer is theologically correct, I think it is age inappropriate for young kids who won’t really understand the deeper theological underpinnings. There are lots of kid’s questions that are better left to a slightly older and more mature age for our full and in-depth answers.
Oh wow Tim- you’ve gotten advice from a whole thought of people so all I wanted to say is that I think that’s great. One day they’ll understand and appreciate and respect you for it. One day your girls will (possibly) desire a husband that loves them as much as you love Aileen!
My friend always says when he is with his dauther and someone asks, “Is she the apple of your eye.” He replies, “No, her mom is.” I’ve seen him do it and I think it’s commendable.
You gave the correct answer.
I think your answer was great AND Biblical. I am not married, nor do I have children, but if I was and did, I would give the same answer. They may cry, but prayerfully someday, they will understand and appreciate it.
Difficult as it may have been to utter, I believe your answer was the correct one. Christian marriages are to reflect Christ’s love for His Bride, the Church. No human bond can be greater because of this in my mind.
I also agree a prior comment - give those kids an extra hug and explain it again. Some day they’ll get it.
Lance
I don’t think love is the kind of thing that can be measured. I probably would have gone with the I love mommy differently than you. They probably weren’t trying to usurp your marital relationship, but instead just trying to be special to you. I would have explained that mommy and daddy have a special relationship and that they and daddy have a special different relationship. They wouldn’t have understood that either, but it doesn’t give satan anything to play with in their littly heads. God’s grace is sufficient to cover our blunders, though. I’m sure you children know that you love them deeply and will not skip a beat. I would just have avoided the more than idea!!
Tim, for what it’s worth, I think you gave an excellent answer. As far as I can remember, I’ve never been asked that question by my sons (now ages 15 and 12) but, speaking as a father, had I been asked that question, my answer would have been similar to yours.
Thinking further about this, I wonder how your children would have responded had you said you loved them more than their mother. Instead of crying, would they be glad? I suspect their question was merely a reflection of that sinful nature that is inherent in all of us. Your children’s tears were probably the result of their hurt pride. They know you love them, and I’m sure you demonstrate that love to them in many ways every day. There was no reason to ask who you love more.
As they get older, your children will appreciate and love you all the more for your love and commitment to your wife and the priority you give to your marriage.
My dad has said the same thing to my brother and sisters and I several times and it has always been viewed as a good thing.
He has taught us that my brother is designed to leave our home and start his own. He has taught us that one day he will give my sisters and I away to our own husbands. And when those days come, he will still have my mother.
Although this can be hard to hear when children are young, they will soon come to embrace the idea and look to the day when they have a husband or wife to love and be loved in the same way.
Hi Tim,I’m pretty sure that I’d have answered that I love my husband differently to the way I love them FWIW. Loving your children in the same way as you love your marriage partner seems to me to be a bit icky.But I did want to ask a question. Your post seems to describe a perfect world where nothing should come between a husband and wife. BTW I agree completely with that sentiment and both our kids have been told more than once “Nobody speaks to my wife/husband like that” when they’ve stepped out of line. Both kids know that I am his #1 and he is mine. However, what would be appropriate/inappropriate if the couple had a child with a profound disability which required constant care? What if the amount of care that the child required actively prevented the wife from spending time with her husband? Would it be appropriate for her to let the care of the child slide so that the husband could be her number #1 priority, after God? What if she was so tired from all that caring that she was physically unable to minister to “his needs”? One would hope that the husband would share in that care and that this would be a burden that they bore together, but again, we’re talking about an imperfect world. What should the wife’s response be if the husband refused to acknowledge that there was anything wrong with the baby and mistreated his wife because she was looking after the baby and not giving him the starring role?As you may have guessed I am speaking about a specific situation. What you say is all well and good - but what would be appropriate in this situation? How should the wife respond when the husband makes it clear that he sees her caring for the child as being willful, rebellious and unsubmissive? I am not trying to be difficult or nasty here - I simply want to know. My question is genuine and I have no desire to stir up trouble.