I’ve told my kids the same thing. They didn’t cry or complain, but seemed to have the attitude: “Well, duh, Dad! That’s the way it should be.” If telling them that I love their mom more than I love them warps them somehow, I promise I’ll help pay for their therapy when they’re adults.

Tough question, good answer. I think it’s a question kind of like infra vs. supralapsarianism, where it’s more of a logical difference than quantitative. We love our kids and our wives so much that it’s almost pointless to talk about which we love “more.” But my love for my wife logically precedes my love for my son, and is, as you said, the foundation of my love for him— he is, in a very real sense, the physical depiction of our love for each other.

Jonathan Edwards would have a heyday with this.

I remember when my mom told me that she loved my dad more than us (there are 8 of us kids) and I was broken hearted. But because of their love for each other and the example they set for us, I realize, and seek to follow their example in my own marriage (though only a year old, with no kids in the picture YET). Thanks Tim, for your post, I really enjoy reading your blog.

Dude! You made you kids cry! Negative superdad cool points for you!

Seriously, my answer would be, Absolutely. I would have added something along the lines that loving Mommy more helped me love them even more. And of course, that old parental, “One day you’ll understand this,” or “one day you will feel the same way about the person you marry.”

I do agree that it’s a different KIND of love.

“So tell me. Would you have answered the question as I did? Or is it really the kind of question which, because it crosses categories, should not be answered at all?”

As a wife, a mother and a grandmother, I can easily say that I would have not answered the question the way you did. I don’t believe it is a question that can be answered in the “more than” way at all. I fully understand being united as parents and not letting children pit one parent against the other and dividing the home (we all know families where this happens). At the same time, I can honestly say that just reading this post made me want to cry for probably the same reason your kids did.

Will they understand this line of thinking the older they get? Maybe, or maybe not. Maybe it would be better if they understood that there are different relationships, and different kinds of love-bonds.

If my kids asked me “who do you love more?” (and they have) I would simply tell them my heart is plenty big enough to love every one of them, and I do. If they asked if I loved my husband more than them, the answer would simply be that it’s a different kind of love-relationship and that there is no such thing as “more than”.

For what it’s worth.

I have given the same answer…and it has really irked extended family members.

Oh well.

In the premarital counseling group we were in (mandatory to get married in that church), one of the things the counselor told us was that we had to love our spouse more than our kids. For those of us first-timers, that was no big thing… I mean, the kids were still hypothetical.

But for those who were remarrying (a goodly percentage of the group), the idea that if they weren’t willing to give up the kids to get married, they shouldn’t do it (assuming there was an ex that would give the kids adequate care) was pretty much unacceptable in most cases.

It’s probably not coincidental that of that group, a few years later very few were still together.

I am with you Tim. When I first started my journal, I decided the primary reason was for me to leave my thoughts behind. So, therefore I started off with my love and affections. I knew that it may jump around once I cleared the first group of close family, but I wanted it to be in order of my love. My God, my wife, my kids, my family. Far too many people aren’t giving you credit Tim, I am sure you told your daughters in the best way. Not, “I love your mom WAY more than you of course!” But it is the truth, and changing your answer to gray truth is scary across the board. Explaining your answer is right and saying it correctly matters. But telling your kids the truth is always the most important.

Wow Tim… I am a strong believer in telling the truth to your children. They surprise us with their understanding, even through tears.

I agree with your answer as well. I would tell them that when their mother and I were married we became one flesh, or one person. This is a special bond that they will enjoy one day, but it is different from love for a child.

I would also add that Mom and Dad (as one) love each of them unconditionally. It takes a Mom and a Dad’s love combined to love them in this way. Because they are the fulfillment of why Mom and Dad became one flesh (married) in the first place.

What a special share time! What an example of courage and humility. What an opportunity to share God’s truth. These just don’t come around often enough.

I liked your answer, and basically agree with the reasoning behind it, but, if my husband and I had children of our own that wouldn’t have been what I’d have said - maybe it’s the mother in me. I would have said, “I love you just as much, but in a very different way. I loved your Daddy first, and there wouldn’t be a You if it weren’t for me loving Daddy. God made Mommy and Daddy to be together until we die. God made you to grow up and leave Mommy and Daddy and marry someone you will love until the day you die. But through all that, we will always love each other.”

Now, I have a 19 and 17 year old from a previous marriage - from my pre-Christian life. It would be pointless to tell these children that I loved their father more than them. They know their father was an addict, and unfaithful - but the truth is had I become a believer then, and had I loved him more than them I probably would not have been the one to file for divorce. (I say probably because the adultery may have been too much to overcome.) But the point is, they know who I loved more, and they’ve suffered for it. Our culture tells us to love our children above all else, and in the name of loving our children we tear apart their families by divorce;and worse, we send them into the world with the self-centered notion that they, and their happiness is the purpose of it all - that they are the center of their universe. Their happiness is, ironically enough, worth any misery it causes themselves or anyone else who gets in the way of it. And worst of all, this profoundly impacts their ideas of God, and His purposes. They become very susceptible to the man-centered gospels which are so prevalent and popular, which present a God who is devoted first and foremost to their happiness, as they define it. They want to believe that they are first and foremost in God’s affections - that they are the center of His universe.

Coming from a divorced family where my father accused my mother of the very thing, I believe you answered rightly. My mother admits to this day it was to own chagrin.

The truth is hard sometimes not only to hear, but even more to understand.

Peace and Blessings

What a hard question for a parent to answer! I think that you answered in the best way possible, though. Maybe you could follow up to make sure your kiddos know that they are loved unconditionally. While it is SO good for kids to see their parents put each other first, I can see that being scary or sad for them, too—perhaps that blow could be softened?

I really like the answer that Tim gave to his kids, and the thoughts in the comments above have been equally insightful, even when they do not totally agree with Tim’s approach. One commenter said the “Biblical order is God, spouse, children.” While that contention supports Tim’s response to his kids (although Tim did not mention God in his ranking of love) and it has a comfortable air of authority about it, where specifically are we taught that. Or do we just infer it from a variety of references?

I am clear from Matthew 22: 37-39 that God certainly takes the position of “first love” since Jesus is clear that this is the first and greatest commandment. But the “second which is like it” makes no distinction within the term “neighbor” between spouses and children, and even those who are not family members. These we are to love as ourselves. And within that, I think there is some disagreement. Are we to love neighbors MORE than ourselves, or “as ourselves”?

What I am remembering from Paul’s teaching about spousal and family relationships in Eph. and Col. doesn’t seem to give ranking, instead it gives more qualitative instructions on HOW we are to love.

It’s probably there, and I am just pulling a blank. Can anyone help?

Great subject, Tim.

Speaking the truth in love is critical.

But sometimes “the whole truth” would be way too time consuming, not to mention confusing to a small kid.

—It may be true that technically we love our wives more than our kids, especially as far as *preferring* them as the Bible teaches.

—It is also true that our “feelings” rise and fall from time to time, both with our spouse and our kids.

—It is also true that we are to love everyone, even our enemies with a 1 Cor. 13 kind of love, which is more of a decision, and a fruit of the Spirit, than a feeling.

—It’s also true that when we, by the Spirit, exercise that “decision” kind of love, wonderful feelings often follow.

—It’s also true that the kind of love we have for our wives is different in some ways than that for our children, just as the love we have for the lost is different in some ways than that we have for the Saints.

And I’m just scratching the surface of “the whole truth”.

So the question isn’t just one of “speaking the truth in love”, but WHICH part of the truth to speak.

In this case, I would simply tell my son that I love him with all my heart, just as I love Mom with all my heart, and when I fall short I look to the Lord for His love to fill my heart and mind.

I would add that I will *always* love him and Mom, no matter what, by the grace of God, and it’s not based on their performance.

Then, in a separate conversation a little later, I will explain to him how important it is that I *favor* Mom over him, and that this makes me a better Dad for him, and honors God and His Word.

Blessings,Terry

This caught my eye because my parents made the priority of their relationship abundantly clear as I grew up. I am now in my 20s, and I am so thankful that as my sisters and I are growing up and leaving, I have no question that my parents’ marriage is healthy.

From the albeit limited perspective of one who has never been a parent, you answered well. I have enjoyed a lot of safety in knowing that my parents are for each other first and foremost. I don’t feel lack in their love for me; I know that they pray that I will experience the same thing they have- a godly, committed marriage.

The love between a husband and wife is a high and holy thing. Marriage is called something that God has brought about, what God has joined together and man is not to divide (Matt 19:16), a one flesh relationship of leaving and cleaving (Gen 2:24). Christian marriage is instituted by God to reveal something of the relationship of Christ and His Church (Eph 5:22-33). It should be noticed that when Christ says that He came not to bring peace but division within families, the one relationship that He leaves unmentioned is the relationship between husband and wife (Matt 10:34-39).

Where in all of Scripture is the love between parent and child put on the same level as that between husband and wife? An appeal to the love between the Father and Son will not suffice — analogies with intertrinitarian relationships break down and should not be pressed further than Scripture itself presses them.

Tim, I shared with my wife the question your children asked you, and her response was, “I hope he said that he loved his wife more.” My wife and I agree that our daughter needs to know that our love for God is ultimate and our love as husband and wife penultimate for at least three reasons. One, it’s biblical. Two, her own sense of love and security rests in part on her sense of the strength and devotion present in our marriage. And three, she is a sinner and will eventually try to split us to get what she wants. It’s part of what children do.

It’s clear from some of the responses to Tim’s post that some think it overanalytical to prioritize, or that to prioritize means we do not love our children unconditionally. Think of what that would mean for understanding the Greatest Commandment! To see God as our first love would mean that we do not love our neighbor wholeheartedly or unconditionally? Simply taking that sort of reasoning to its logical conclusions shows that priorities do not lessen love or make it conditional somehow.

I do not want ever to need to choose between God and wife, between God and children, between wife and children. But I live in a fallen world. I am a fallen man. My wife is fallen, and my daughter is fallen. So I must think these things through, and make my priorities, before times of trouble come. So God, wife, children it is.

Tim,

There’s a lot of very heavy analysis going on here and I can certainly understand the value of truth in almost all circumstances. However, considering the ages of the children and their inability to fathom the depth and special meaning of marriage might compel me to have somehow answered differently. There’s also some consideration that should be given to a child’s gender in this situation. A little girl’s emotional ties to her Dad are very powerful and formative. A young boy’s emotional ties lean more toward his Mom and he might be able to empathize with Dad…

I would suggest giving them an extra hug tonight at bedtime and starting the process of explaining (in simple terms) how your love for them is different than your love for their Mom but is still immeasurable.

Dan…

Peace-maker, not piece-maker is what I meant!:)

I recently read CJ Mahaney’s book on marriage and he made the exact same point as Tim. I forget the details of the anecdote, but in his book, CJ recounted a story where someone had said in front of CJ’s children that they were the ones he loved most. CJ immediately corrected him by saying that his wife was the one he loved most and his children came second.

As for the manner of communicating this truth to children, would they have understood that the primacy of a parent’s love for God does not reduce or cheapen the parent’s love for his children? If so, perhaps a similar analogy could be made to explain that the greater love between a husband and wife does not reduce or cheapen their love for their children.

Any time the children are put ahead of the spouse there is trouble on the horizon for both the children and the spouse.

The correct order is: God; spouse; children; the rest of the family; church and everything else.

If the spice (plural of spouse) put things in that order, the children’s needs will be well attended.

As a newly re-married mother, I told my children that if they ever tried to make me choose between them and their new step-father, they would not be happy with the outcome. (Esentially conveying I would love him more than them.) I explained that I was still responsible to be a godly example of a wife to them and that my second husband would not be treated as second best. It was the best and most difficult thing I ever told them. They understood they would never come between us - and so they never tried to. Whew.

In ensuing years my husband and I led a blended families Sunday school class and shared this bit of wisdom. One newly remarried father was particulary outraged. He said: “I had my kids before I had my second wife and I’m responsible for them first. My wife understands this clearly.” Apparently she did. The were divorced later that year.

I would have responded “Why do you ask?” first. The ensuing conversation would hopefully have better “prepared the ground” for the final answer. Or, it may have let the children see the answer for themselves.

Though perhaps it could have been mentioned that, in a sense, you can’t love your children any more than you do.

(i.e. distinctions and categories exist, something along the lines of C.S. Lewis’s “First and Second Things”: “You can’t get second things by putting them first; you can get second things only by putting first things first.”)

I would have responded “Why do you ask?” first. The ensuing conversation would hopefully have better “prepared the ground” for the final answer. Or, it may have let the children see the answer for themselves.

Though perhaps it could have been mentioned that, in a sense, you can’t love your children any more than you do.

(i.e. distinctions and categories exist, something along the lines of C.S. Lewis’s “First and Second Things”: “You can’t get second things by putting them first; you can get second things only by putting first things first.”)

I really, really appreciated the suggestion that an extra hug at bedtime would be appropriate. That is some really wonderful parenting advice.

I don’t mean to be argumentative, but I’ve been investing a lot of thought and study against parenting questions lately. I live and pastor in the midst of a church culture that has seen waves of children over the past few decades leave the church, and we’re working hard to equip parents to love and train their children biblically. That said…

I might be wrong about this, but I’m not sure if asking “Why do you ask” would be helpful… If the children aren’t old enough to grasp Tim’s answer, then they probably aren’t old enough to know why they asked the question in the first place. Anyone who has asked their child “Why did you hit your sister?” and been frustrated with the response has learned that lesson experientially.

Perhaps some of the confusion over this question of love comes from its equivocal use. There are nuances and degrees of love ascribed even to God in the Scriptures. D.A. Carson’s book “The Difficult Doctrine of the Love of God” is helpful for thinking about such things.

I thought comment #38 was very helpful. As I initially read the post and comments, I was a little confused, not as to the correct answer, I agree with Tim, but how to word it, so that children would understand and not come away feeling insecure. If a child is old enough to articulate such a question, more than likely they are old enough to understand that we are to love God above all. If children can understand that, then they will already have the concept of different loves down and will probably be fine when we explain we love our spouse more. Just like loving God more, doesn’t make our love for our children any less special, neither does our love for our spouses diminish parental love.