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Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart
- 06/05/07
- 16
We live at a time when relationships are increasingly marked by the awful dictum of meet up, hook up, shack up, and break up. This describes too many relationships, too many hardened hearts and too many ruined lives. But as John Ensor says and as observation bears out, this pattern “bankrupts the rich treasure trove of love itself.” It does not work and it is time for young people to revolt against the times.
The antidote to the times is to rediscover the biblical formula for manhood and womanhood, to turn back to the Creator and to his manual to discover how He desires we live as men and women. In Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart Ensor does just this, sharing what he has learned about biblical manhood and womanhood. The book’s objective is “to provide a winsomely radical alternative to the prevailing ideas, almost absolute doctrines, that guide our current thinking about manhood and womanhood and define our actions and expectations when pursuing matters of the heart.” The book’s purpose (and I’m not sure how a purpose differs from an objective) “is to provide you stone with which you can fashion a strong, enduring, and satisfying plan for doing things right in this most tender and precious matter of the heart.”
In the first part, “Matters of the Heart,” Ensor defines biblical masculinity and femininity as they are presented to us in the Bible. He gets to the heart of manhood and womanhood asking what it means to be a man or a woman and what is distinctive about being one and not the other. He asks how men and women complement each other and fit together. Having answered these questions, he turns to “Doing Things Right,” showing the way the Bible outlines how men are to live as men and women are to live as women. He shows how men and women are to relate to each other and are to interact with each other on the basis of their equality and symmetry but also on the basis of their differences.
The chapter titles tell the story.
- He Initiaties…She Responds”
- He Leads…She Guides
- He Works…She Waits
- He Protects…She Welcomes Protection
- He Abstains to Protect…She, to Test
- His Unmet Desire Drives Him toward Marriage…Hers Is Rewarded with Marriage
- He Displays Integrity…She, Inner Beauty
- He Loves by Sacrificing…She, by Submitting
- He Seeks His Happiness in Hers…She Seeks Hers in His
- His Is the Primary Provider for the Family…She, the Primary Nurturer
The book is written from a personal perspective and in such a way that he encourages the reader to benefit from his learning curve. While he leans on the Bible as his authority, what he teaches is often punctuated by words like, “What follows is what I honest think is the right thing to do…” and “I take this to mean…” He gives examples from his life, allowing the reader to learn and to laugh with him.
The sum is this: God has given us each gifts but, with our own reasoning and assumptions we’ve wasted them by doing things in the way we thought was best. This book is a call to go back to using those gifts, to go back to the guide that teaches us how to use those gifts, that we might do things right and do them in the way God intends.
In this book (and this quote is the blurb I provided for the book’s cover) “John Ensor provides a radically biblical alternative to the supposed wisdom of our age. Though sometimes raw, frank, and frustrated, Ensor is always sanctified and often poetic. He celebrates differences, bringing into clear focus the oft-disputed fact that God created men and women to be equal and symmetrical but not identical. For all who are weary of our culture’s assault on biblical manhood and womanhood, this book is a refreshing reminder of the Bible’s simple wisdom governing love, relationships, marriage, and matters of the heart.”
This is a good and important little book that serves as a strong introduction for teens and young adults to the Bible’s teaching on manhood and womanhood. What is taught here can largely be found elsewhere but not in so accessible and so practical a form. It has the paternal feel of an older, wiser man writing a concerned letter to those who are younger and in need of counsel. Ensor’s advice is good and those who heed it will be pleased that he wrote this book and that they took the time to read it. I recommend this book to teens, to young adults, to parents and to anyone who is concerned with doing things right in matters of the heart.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (16)
Hi and thanks for this review. For your readers information the girls over at http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/ are hoping to start this book in their book club soon.
I was undecided as to wether to join them, I think you have convinced me.
Christian Regards.
Sounds like a good book, though I’ll probably pass on it. As a not-so-young single woman, I find these books terribly difficult to read because they remind me how fallen our world is, and how that affects even those who want to do things according to God’s design. The chapter title, “His unmet desire drives him toward marriage…hers is rewarded with marriage” is particularly tough. So many young men, even Christian young men, don’t feel much of this “unmet desire” that drives them toward marriage - hence, the every increasing average age at first marriage.
Plus, it reminds me that God hasn’t rewarded my unmet desire with marriage (which can lead me to question God and my value as a woman without marriage and motherhood, I confess). But I also realize that God’s sovereign will for my life may not include marriage and motherhood, even though as a woman I was designed for these things, and I desire these things.
Thanks for posting. I’ve enjoyed your thoughts and reviews thus far. I’ll have to link you in some of my blogs on Christian homeschooling. I look forward to reading more in the future.
Thank you for this resource! I’ve been looking for something exactly like this for the high school and college students in my church, and I know it’ll be helpful in my own relationship as well.
Thanks for bringing this book to my attention. It seems like a great book to use both at home and in my church. I always appreciate your book reviews. As a pastor, with so much to read and do, they become the cliff-notes I need and if I want to go deeper - I can then buy the book and read it myself. Thanks - Bill from ProvocativeChurch
So, what happens to this picture when the woman has to be both primary nurturer and primary breadwinner because of the incapacitation of the man?I left my (part-time) job at the end of February in order to be able to be the full time nurturer of our children and to look after my husband and children and our house, just like I’m supposed to. My husband was able to fully support all of us and was relishing that role. I was able to be the mother that (I thought) God wanted me to be.One month after that my husband became ill and now I have to return to work, full time, not even part time, in order that we eat, pay bills and have somewhere to live. So, what have we done to deserve such punishment? Why did God let me come home for a month and be who I am supposed to be and then just take it away in an instant? I only worked before because I *had* to and as soon as I no longer *had* to, I left. And now this. In two words; it sucks.The ideal is warm and fuzzy and it’s great…but what happens if you can’t do what the book says through circumstances beyond your control?
“The book’s objective is “to provide a winsomely radical alternative to the prevailing ideas, almost absolute doctrines, that guide our current thinking about manhood and womanhood and define our actions and expectations when pursuing matters of the heart.”
* He Works…She WaitsWomen have always worked. Ruth was a field worker. Lydia was businesswoman. The Proverbs 31 woman was a business woman and trader in her town.There is no biblical basis for women waiting while men work. Women with children work 24/7.
I think the main complaint in complementarianism is that women have begun to work in high-paying, high esteem jobs, rather than as washerwomen, farmers, maids, housekeepers, nurses, seamstresses, shepherds, herbalists, market-hawkers, bakers and other lower status jobs that women have been doing for thousands of years and which women did in both the Old and New Testament eras.
* He Protects…She Welcomes ProtectionShe welcomes protection from who? Grizzly bears? Rampaging hippos? Or maybe it’s predatory males of her own species. “He Protects Her From Other…Hims”
* He Abstains to Protect…She, to Test.’Cause everyone knows that women have no sex drive. They’re the brakes!
* He Displays Integrity…She, Inner BeautyShe doesn’t display integrity?
* He Loves by Sacrificing…She, by SubmittingShe doesn’t sacrifice?
“John Ensor provides a radically biblical alternative to the supposed wisdom of our age. Though sometimes raw, frank, and frustrated, Ensor is always sanctified and often poetic.”
Frustrated with women who don’t know their place, I’m sure.
“He celebrates differences, bringing into clear focus the oft-disputed fact that God created men and women to be equal and symmetrical but not identical.”
Women are the submitters and the passive waiters. They need protection and someone to work for them.
These are the qualities of a very delicate breed of lap dog, not a human being made in the image of God, who seeks relationships, does creative works, and acts with a conscious will.
Well said, Kerr. Interesting how Ensor and his ilk become concerned about women working only when that work earns women prestige, authority and a high income. Back when women were relegated to primarily menial, routine, and low-level jobs, there was nary a peep about women working. But when women begin entering fields of influence and affluence, suddenly Ensor is calling on them to spend their time …er “waiting”. Waiting??
Sounds like Ensor is experiencing some anxiety — not about women working, per se — but about women attaining higher levels of education, income, authority, and (here’s the real source of his anxiety) financial clout and independence in relation to males. In other words, he’s afraid of women who aren’t going to allow men to feel superior by accepting a role of weakness, passivity, and dependence. And it does frighten him so.
Those of you who are critiquing this book sight-unseen really should read it before making such criticisms public. You don’t even understand much of what he is saying under the chapter titles. You may not like Ensor’s complementarian leanings, but at least do yourself a favor, and do him the justice of reading the book, before you launch a critique.
Kerr’s comments reflect biblical truth. Perhaps one can’t judge a book by its cover but you can get a pretty good idea of what it’s about from the Table of Contents & chapter titles. I wouldn’t waste my money on this one.
Tim
Perhaps you could unpack this book some more rather than just giving chapter headings which seem to be a point of contention.
Would you recommend this for an engaged couple?
Kerr - Your comments are disturbing is many ways, but I’d like to focus on the first two points you bring up.
First you label all “washerwomen, farmers, maids, housekeepers, nurses, seamstresses, shepherds, herbalists, market-hawkers, bakers…” as lower status, not high paying, and not high esteem jobs. The women who do these jobs, as you said, are made in the image of God and it is to whom they work that is the point and not what they do. You have just trashed and entire group of women and then say the author looks at them as “lap dogs”. Do you see the disconnect?
Second, “YES!” he protects her from other “Hims”. Absolutely! That is his job. There are evil men lurking about to do women harm and as the husband (and God follower) it is my job to die (if need be) for my wife. See Ephesians. Your sarcasm on this point makes it seem that you have some distaste for the male species in general. That is not as God would have it.
I would not encourage you to read this book, but would encourage you to get on your knees and dig deep into God word for the wonderful truths of manhood and womanhood. They are truly a blessing to the soul and I believe they would be great encouragement to you.
With the love of Christ,michael
Here’s my thought….if I have the exactly same qualities that makes me who I am right now except that I am a man, I would NOT be the same person at all. If my guy friend is a woman but possess all the qualities and experience that made him who he is, he just wouldn’t be the same person. There is something about the femininity and masculinity.
KathleenM1, Maureen and Kerr, I’m severely disappointed by your attitude toward men. It seemed to me that you guys don’t have genuine respect for men as humans made in God’s image. Your comments remind me of several of those mysogynistic commentors on the this blog that spend a lot of time debating how biblical really are the “marriage mandate” and the “gift of singleness” theology. the author of the blog said a lot of worthwhile insight on those matters. Unfortunately, a lot of the commentors ruined it for me since what they say has hardly anything to do with whether those theologies are biblical than has to do with which gender is responsible for how messed up the society is.
Good grief. This is a book review, people. You know, in which the reviewer reads a book you most likely have not read, gives you a summary of its contents, and his opinion of it, thereby giving you information you did not previously have to help you decide whether or not the book would be interesting and/or useful to you. It is not a starting point for arguments like this.
Don’t feed the trolls.
Also, see Tim’s comment #9, above.