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Gospel-Powered Parenting
- 09/22/09
- 12
According to George Barna, there have been approximately 75,000 books on parenting published in the past decade. I sometimes feel like I have read all of them. It strikes me, though, that publishers must feel the same way and that, hopefully, they think hard before releasing yet another book into such a crowded marketplace. I at least wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to P&R with the release of William Farley’s Gospel-Powered Parenting. And I’m very glad that I did.
The purpose of the book, as you might gather from the title, is to focus on the gospel as the most important power in parenting. It is not the parents—their efforts, prayers, hopes, dreams—that ultimately ought to shape parenting. Instead, it is the gospel of Jesus Christ. This is the power that needs to be at the center of all we are, all we do, as parents. And this is exactly what Farley teaches through the 230 pages of Gospel-Powered Parenting—he shows how to apply the gospel to every aspect of parenting and, further, how the gospel is really foundational in all that we do as parents. We cannot effectively teach or discipline or care for our children if we ignore the gospel. This is the message of the book and it is one we, as Christian parents, do well to ponder and to heed.
Along the way there are a few things that Farley does particularly well and I’d like to draw attention to a few of these unique emphases. First, he focuses on the vitality of marriage as an absolute key to good parenting. One of the best things we can do as parents is to love one another and build a strong, healthy marriage. Where many marriages suffer as mom and dad increasingly give themselves over to the needs (or perceived needs) of their children, Christian parents must remain first and foremost committed to one another. Says Farley, “Marriage-centered, not child-centered, moms usually exert the greatest influence on their children for Christ and his kingdom. This means that your weekends away with your husband, alone, might influence your children more than all your teaching and disciplining combined. Your children are watching, and it gives them great joy and security to see their parents loving each other.”
Second, Farley pushes back hard against the growing seed of Christian isolationism that advocates removing our children from the world as the sure means of protecting them from the world. Instead, he teaches that a good offense is the best defense. “A defensive mind-set worries about the evil influence of Halloween, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or non-Christians on the Little League team. Although parenting always involves some protection, this should not be the main focus for biblical parents. Often this defensive mentality is the fruit of legalism. The legalistic parent usually assumes that his or her children are born again. But this parent has little confidence in the power of the new birth. Therefore, parenting is all about protecting children from evil outside influence.” Later he writes, “This book will assume that effective parents equip their children to overcome the world—not by changing and controlling their environment (things external to their children), but by going after their children’s hearts.” This is a very important message and one I have rarely seen in other parenting books.
And third, he is relentless in pursuing fathers, teaching that it is the father who is primarily responsible for parenting children. It is the father to whom Scripture addresses all instruction in regard to raising children and it is the father to whom almost all books on child-rearing were addressed until recent times. It is the father who bears the heaviest burden of responsibility. Of course mom is intimately involved in each aspect of raising godly children, but it is dad who is ultimately responsible. And again, this is a message rarely taught today.
These three messages, and others like them, set this book apart. I wondered, as I closed the cover, “could this be the best book I’ve ever read on parenting?” Perhaps it is not in an entirely objective sense, but what I do know is that it told me exactly what I needed to hear at this moment and did so more than any other parenting book I’ve read. It had just the right combination of affirmation (your struggles are universal struggles, your joys are universal joys) and exhortation to both encourage and challenge me in all the right ways. I highly recommend it to any and every parent.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (12)
Hey Tim, as far as “best book on parenting” goes, how does it rank against Shepherding a Child’s Heart? Is this book better or do they ‘attack’ the problem from slightly different angles?
Just curious, I have ‘Shepherding’ and would be hesitant to buy another parenting book — not because I’m a great parent, but purely monitary reasons. But I do trust P&R quite a lot.
Thanks,
Thanks for this review, Tim. This book came in the mail yesterday, and I hadn’t heard anything about it. I’ll be sure to read it after such a stellar review.
QUOTE: “Often this defensive mentality is the fruit of legalism. The legalistic parent usually assumes that his or her children are born again. But this parent has little confidence in the power of the new birth.”
WOW and Double WOW. What an excellent observation.
“A defensive mind-set worries about the evil influence of Halloween, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or non-Christians on the Little League team. Although parenting always involves some protection, this should not be the main focus for biblical parents. Often this defensive mentality is the fruit of legalism. The legalistic parent usually assumes that his or her children are born again. But this parent has little confidence in the power of the new birth. Therefore, parenting is all about protecting children from evil outside influence.”
This is a great passage to quote. As a parent who has both sheltered too much and at times, not enough, I can say that it is a complicated issue. After parenting for 20 years, I have come to understand that knowing the child’s heart, especially his or her besetting sins, is essential in knowing when we must draw the boundaries in or let them out. Knowing our children means being with them and talking with them. A lot. I have been at home full-time with my children for 20 years, and I still feel like I should have spent more time with them to really get a glimpse into their hearts.
This book will assume that effective parents equip their children to overcome the world—not by changing and controlling their environment (things external to their children), but by going after their children’s hearts.
I could not more heartily agree that, as parents, our job is to go after our children’s hearts, but one cannot minimize the fact that culture is doing that too. (Perhaps as a homeschooling parent, I read the above as a direct affront on my choice to educate at home). If my child spends 8 hours a day in school (not to mention after school activities) and 8 hours sleeping, I have less time than culture does “going after their hearts.” I believe as parents we need to engage culture, but I also have seen a lot of damage that comes from the many messages children get from their teachers, fellow students, television, etc. No matter where your child spends their day, as parents we have a responsibility to be fully engaged with them, teaching them Biblical principles, and teaching them to love others. For my family, that involves infusing Biblical principles into the entirety of their curriculum so that when they consider culture, they approach it with a Gospel-centered mindset.
I agree with your analyses Tim. My children are basically grown and I could have used these insights in their earlier years, our home was always Christ centered and by Gods grace though some of my kids have strayed in the past they have come around and are focusing on the Lord and have come to the conclusion it really is all about Him. My wife and I received quite a bit of criticism for NOT home schooling and I have nothing against it but those who did, and we have many friends who did, some of those kids are the most maladjusted young adults I’ve seen and of course those who did it right have well adjusted young adults, I did refuse to make holidays like halloween an issue or cave to many of the legalistic things homeschoolers and others laid on us about movies and parties and some of them would not let their kids hang with my kids over it. When the kids were young and home school kids would stay over their parents wanted a list of tv shows they would watch, it became rediculous, anyway Im a little off the subject. I let them go to movies and parties and if something like pot or alcohol was there they either called us to pick them up or if they had a car they left. I’m not saying they never experimented but I do believe our heavy focus on the Lord became their ultimate influence. I know many will disagree on these things and that’s OK but the most important thing is kids need to be raised with a clear understanding of who the Lord is and the Gospel as the central theme of their house hold not religion not a list of rules but a relationship with the Lord and an understanding of their need for salvation. I’m no expert but I’ve raised 5 kids. I do have freinds that had 8-10 and even more kids and were home schooled and many of those kids are in some kind of trouble, and many have left the faith as a result of legalism.Mike
Concerning the element of protecting , Isn’t it a matter of balance. I know that there are those who home school or have sent their children to Christian schools and I have no problem with either option . What I have tried to teach my boys is to use sound judgment when choosing situations to be in , friends to pick and what they want to be around. We have never shunned non-christian friends for them , because to be honest sometimes they are less stuck up then some of the christian families that they know. That is the honest truth. Plus I hold that you need to graduate them into more responsible choices. I think the pressure children are under to be popular , go to parties etc.. is intense. One thing they have refused to go to is parties where there will be a chance of illegal drugs or excessive drinking. Which means they don’t go to hardly any . I will be honest I’m no fan of public education . I worked as a custodian in many schools and at the elemnatry level it is fine but middle school and high school is one constant attack on the faith . It is sometimes subtle and deadly. Parents need to talk to their kids , get in their lives and if its gospel centered, not a set of rules they will talk. Be fearless on matters about sex,drugs ,violence etc.. Do the work and invest in a solid library of books to help them and engage them. I know I made many mistakes along the way but as they both become young men , they are showing strong signs of sound judgment and an keen interest in the gospel .
I will definitely pick this one up! The three points you emphasize are all important to my husband and I. I was raised this way - he was not. And while he understands that it’s most important that our marriage be the primary relationship in the household and what an important influence he is on his daughters, not having grown up with those ideals, he can’t look back to see how they really are important…he’s just kind of taking my word for it as we muddle our way thru the parenting waters. And while I can appreciate that those ideals are important, I appreciate them from the perspective of a child, not necessarily as someone who has any solid understanding on how exactly one goes about putting those premises into practice on a consistent basis. Which is to say, we’re both kind of shooting from the hip when it comes to this. We’re on board in terms of being convinced of the argument - I’m hopeful we’ll get some help on practical applications! Thanks for the recommendation!
The author of this book happens to be my senior pastor-teacher. He not only wrote the book on Gospel-powered-parenting but, has lived this out before our eyes. Pastor Bill Farley has shaped and molded our previous views on “Christian parenting” as he has walked-out his passion for the gospel, love for Jesus, love for his flock, in humility. We had the opportunity to take two gospel-centered parenting classes at our church over a two-day period. Our entire family structure has changed because or hearts were changed as to what our primary role looks like as parents…
Thank you so much for this review!! p.s. oh, and yes, I believe this book is better than Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart ;0)
This makes me think of the first seven chapters of Proverbs, where the father prepares his son for life in the real world. Although raised in a good home (pr. 1:8; 6:20), the father realizes that his son enters a dangerous place filled with many temptations. This father makes no assumptions about his son’s vulnerability to evil people and foolish behavior. Parents must avoid the cookie recipe approach to parenting. This is the idea that if they follow the biblical recipe they’ll secure uninterrupted godliness in the lives of their children. In Proverbs, the father holds no misguided idealism about what his parenting accomplished.The dangers described are presented as voices vying for his son’s attention and devotion. These voices compete for his son’s allegiance. The voices he chooses to heed will have defining influence on his life. The son must make choices about the influences he allows to control his life.
for the rest of the study, see: http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2009/09/22/hearing-gods-voice-among-the-voices/
Steve Cornell
I’m glad to see a book like this, and hope it has a wide readership. My wife and I have three grown children, I’ve been a pastor for 20 years and a Christian school Headmaster for 7 years. The most effective way we found to reach our children’s hearts (and anyone else’s heart) is to be transparent [sic] and model how God reaches your own heart, showing what repentance and faith look like, what genuine love and prayer look like, and having one’s identity firmly rooted in one’s sonship in Christ. That’s foundational, and transcends any educational setting. Thanks for your work - I’m sure the readers will be blessed.
I’m not buying into the part about the father being primarily responsible for raising children. I don’t doubt that us fathers fail too often in being what we should be and what our kids need us to be and I imagine we can also manage to too often fail at acting on a level of responsibility needed as fathers. But I don’t think one role is more responsible than another. Whether it is a result of being unique people or different genders I think parents complement each other and equally share the responsibility. Whether it is for a day or for a season one parent may take on more than the other but at the end of the day half the chromosomes come from mom and half from dad and the responsibility lies equally with both….lol