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On Being a Dad
- 09/27/10
- 20
It’s one of the inevitabilities of parenting—the kids just keep getting older and older. And every now and again I pause and consider and realize that my time with the kids is running out. My son is now 10-and-a-half years old, and in just a few months he will be exactly half the age I was when I got married. It’s entirely possible that I’m coming up to the 50% mark of the time he will be living in my home, under my direct influence. Panic!
This can be a difficult thing to think about. I look back on the ten years of parenting and see so many missed opportunities, so many times that I was not available to the kids. I look at where they are now in their spiritual development, in my knowledge of who they are, and I wonder if I’ve already blown it, if it’s already too late.
But at my best I know better than this. I know it’s not too late and that the best years are ahead. So when I recover from my momentary panic, I look forward to what lies ahead, and I especially look forward to increasingly regarding my children as friends. That is something I’ve seen from my friends with older children—that as the children grow up, they make the slow transition from kid to friend. And already I’m starting to see how that is happening. I’ll always be dad to the kids, but I will also be able to regard them as friends.
In the past few months I have been trying to be a little bit more intentional about spending time with the children, trying to grab the moments that exist and trying to create memories. Mostly I’m just trying to know them and to be known by them. And I know that one of the best ways I can do this is by spending time individually with each one of them.
The first thing I started doing was being deliberate about “daddy dates,” taking my kids, one each week, out for breakfast on Saturday mornings. Because the kids are in public schools we cannot do this on weekdays. But it’s a lot of fun to wake up early on Saturday and head to Denny’s (which, so far, is their breakfast joint of choice). So each Saturday I wake one of them and quietly head out for breakfast. The kids order something off the kids’ menu and I order the Grand Slam. We just sit and talk. It’s not a lot of time, but it’s a good time. It’s a time with no real agenda except to have the experience alone together. I don’t know how long they’ll continue to be impressed with Denny’s, but for now they think it’s awfully exciting.
I’ve also tried to find at least one more substantial thing I can do with each of the children once or twice in the year (outside of the fun things we do as a family). Last year I took my daughter to The Sound of Music (the musical, not the movie) when it was playing in Toronto, spending the money to make sure we could sit in great seats and see all that was going on. I take my son to a couple of baseball games each year, either just the two of us or with him and one of his friends. We try to time things in such a way that we hang out with a player after the game or find a way to get out onto the field or something else that’s kind of special.
As the children get just a little bit older I will begin to bring them with me to the occasional conference. I have seen lots of speakers do this and I’m looking forward to it as well—the travel and the experience will be very exciting for them, even if they get bored to death sitting in a convention center for 2 or 3 days.
One of the most ordinary things I’ve been doing lately is having one of the children help me with the after-dinner routine every night. Since my wife is generally the one who makes dinner, I’ve always taken it upon myself to clean up after we finish eating. And now that the school year has begun, I usually put together the next day’s bagged lunches at the same time. So what I have been doing is having one of the children join me in this each night. We will do dishes together, make the lunches together, and then do whatever that kid wants to do that night. Sometimes we will go for a walk together, sometimes we’ll read a story, sometimes we’ll play a computer game or turn on the Wii. But in any case, we do the work and then spend some time together doing something fun. This has quickly become a tradition that the kids love. Though they probably wouldn’t complain if we were to scratch the bits that demand work, they are so eager to spend time with me that even doing dishes suddenly seems like fun rather than work. (Similar to this but perhaps geared primarily to slightly older children, Brian Croft tells how he individually shepherds each of his children in this very helpful blog post)
So there we have just a few of the ways that I try to make sure I am being deliberate in spending time individually with each of my children. But I know that I’ve got a lot to learn. I’d love to hear from you about some of the things you do, or perhaps some of the things your parents did long ago, as they sought to love you and be loved by you. How do you ensure you are investing personally in each of your children?
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (20)
I’ve got 4 kids all under the age of six, so I’m not in panic mode yet, but time does seem to be flying by. I remember as a kid we used to make home made donuts or some other special desert, so the other night I tried recreate that experience with my kids, and it turned out quite nice. I’m trying to cherish the fact that right now they love to spend time with me because I know there will be a time when they’ll discover things more interesting than dad.
One simple thing that we schedule for Tuesday nights at our house is You Tube Night. After dinner, we all sit around the computer and watch some silly video. You would be amazed at how something so simple turns out to be such a big highlight. It takes a little work on dads end to find something each week, but today’s world of forwarded emails makes it much easier. My boys love watching something together. I always sit back and take in the picture of us sitting and laughing together. The other big change we have made involves birthday gifts. When my boys turned seven, we moved from giving gifts to giving experiences. Instead of buying them something that might or might not get used, we take them on a trip or experience. That way, we can have intentional time with them and they can be celebrated. The boys love this much more than just getting a normal gift.
You’re going to let your son live with you until he’s 22? Must be a Canadian thing…
I am not a parent, but I will say one of the most enjoyable experiences of my childhood, which wasn’t that long ago, was helping Dad with his normal tasks. Looking back I realize he could have gotten them down faster without me, but I felt like I was really helping and brought my closer to my Dad.
Now we are in the friendship state and that has truly been a blessing.
www.studyyourbibleonline.com
This statement PERFECTLY summarizes my daily thoughts about parenting:“I look back on the ten years of parenting and see so many missed opportunities, so many times that I was not available to the kids. I look at where they are now in their spiritual development, in my knowledge of who they are, and I wonder if I’ve already blown it, if it’s already too late.”
Then your post went on to encourage me with the greater truth of God’s sovereignty and power. Our best days are indeed ahead of us!
I do many of the same things you do. Also picked up some great ideas from what you are doing and will be using them. (thanks!)
I was not raised in a Christian home, but experiences with my parents, both one-on-one and as an entire family did have a profound and positive impact on me. As long as the memories and experiences are filled or at least sprinkled with the Deut 6 and Psalm 78 principles and commands of teaching the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, then it’s all good.
i think sometimes we think just great memories and experiences are all that’s needed. We should be using these experiences, both big ones(ball game, big vacations, etc) and the small every day ones (pulling weeds, helping Dad on the kitchen remodel, etc) as a platform to teach and train, to declare who the Lord is to them, amidst every experience. Then, we’re truly “doing” parenting to the glory of God.
Great post, Tim. Thank you, from all the Dads!
My dad would take us to LSU basketball games. Each of his three kids would take turns going with him. We’d go to the IHOP for a pancake dinner, and then to the game, where we’d share popcorn and a coke. Those games are some of my best childhood memories.
When I was older, my dad and I started meeting for dinner every Tuesday night. We continued doing so until I was 33 and got married and moved to another state. We would split an entree and order two or three desserts (I got my sweet tooth from him!), and have the most wonderful, deep conversations.
I see my dad several times a year now, but I miss those Tuesday night dinners.
We have a nine-month-old daughter, so I’m not at the “panic” point yet. But I do look forward to seeing my daughter and husband off on their “daddy dates” someday. I pray that she’ll treasure those times with her daddy as much as I’ve treasured mine.
My dad is a veterinarian and a real life cowboy, and some of the most vivid memories I have of spending time with him was when he took me out on ‘calls’ with him, to help a cow having trouble calving, or a horse on someone’s ranch. The time I was with him and we happened upon a situation in which he had to leave me locked inside the truck while he helped the CHP get an escaped cow off the freeway (he lassoed it from the back of some good Samaritan’s pickup truck as the guy was driving) is the stuff of legend in our family. That isn’t the kind of thing that most dads will ever do with their children, and in small a way, it was special to me because I knew, even at the time, that it was unique.
But I think, like Tim pointed out, that kids will be eager even to do the dishes if they get to spend time with Dad. To them, that time IS unique, and they will remember it and treasure it. I know that has been true for me. My Dad always welcomed my ‘help’ around the yard and the house and piled on the encouragement all along the way. “Yep, just like that—good!” and “You did good,” still ring in my ears when I do certain tasks. Both my parents gave this encouragement at one time or another. Sometimes when I’m cleaning, I will remember my mom saying to me when I was eight, “You do such a nice job on the bathroom.”
To this day, I don’t mind and often enjoy working with my hands, one, because I saw both my parents doing it and not shirking it, and two, because of all the encouragement I got in those times when I was ‘helping.’ The time they spent with me really shaped my attitudes toward work and made me feel very cherished at the same time.
I just became an empty-nester! Four Children, two married, two in college. I used basketball with all four. My two youngest are now college players and they all support each other in a way that blesses us as parents. Whatever else I’ve done, being a dad was top priority. I summarized a few thoughts in a newspaper column: Five Essentials for being a GREAT Dad:
http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/five-essentials-for-being-a-g…
As usual, Tim, I enjoyed your post! I am not a father yet - but my wife and I are pretty close to taking ‘the plunge’ into parenthood.
God was so gracious to me in allowing me to be raised in a Christian home. I was homeschooled and every morning, my mom would roll us out of bed with a song (each child had his own song my mom would sing as she woke us - it’s kind of fun to think back on - and completely hilarious at family gatherings when we all recall our ‘song’). We did a devotion together and started school for the day. By the time we got out of bed, my father had been at work for 2 1/2 - 3 hours, having left at 5 AM.
My father owned (and still owns) a mechanic shop and was often too busy at work to spend a considerable amount of quality time with us kids. But the things I remember most was “Family Night” - We would go swimming at the pool and then head off to dinner as a family (obviously to a place where kids ate free - there were 5 of us), also - card games (like UNO or Pastors Poker) were a family favorite activity.
My father and I have turned a corner in our relationship - We’re still Father / Son - but more so, now we’re best friends and as Nina touched on her weekly dates with her father, I am fortunate enough to go to breakfast with my dad every Wednesday morning. We have our restaurant, our booth, and our ‘usuals’ and just enjoy eachothers company. It’s a highlight for me and I know that I will always cherish these mornings with my dad. We also attend the same Tuesday morning Bible study - which is a blessing for both of us.
My father has realized his folly as a young dad - he’s often apoligized for not being available to us kids when we were younger. I think his advice to all dads (and me in the future) would to just make yourself available to your kids. No toy or special trip goes as far as quality time together does. Yardwork can wait, fixing up that old car can wait - your kids can’t. As you’ve pointed out, your son is 10 (soon to be 11) - sounds to me like he’s over half way. More like 60%.
While my daughters are young (both under 3 yrs old), I’ll echo your “daddy dates”. I’ve enjoyed taking my oldest to a couple MLB games this year, just me and her. It’s special now that she’ll remember (and she just loves that for some reason we get to eat pizza and grapes).
I’ve also had the opportunity to travel with each of my girls individually (taking advantage of them flying free under 2 years old). Both times were extremely rewarding times we got to spend together.
I love that you take your kids on daddy dates! My dad used to take all three of the kids out for breakfast every Saturday to give my mom a break and give us time with him. Our special individual dates were once a year on our birthdays, and then he’d also do special house projects with us. I remember I was the one who got to lay sod with him when we built our house, and thought it was special to be able to do that with him.
My two girls are both under three, but as soon as the oldest turned two my husband started taking her on daddy dates. She loves daddy dates, and I know her sister will too. As a stay-at-home mom, I find that I have to be very intentional about giving one-on-one attention. The days tend to run together, and even though I spend all day with them, they do need that individual, focused attention. We usually read books, sing and dance, or build blocks for our special times.
I am a single mom of a little boy. I just recently took him out of school for the very reason you wrote your post: I missed my times to simply enjoy him.
We don’t do anything extravagant, but I love what we do: He helps me make dinner since I try to make our dinners from scratch. We try to go camping once a month. He helps me harvest our vegetables. And our mornings are spent playing with playdough, doing school, and crafting around our dining table. And we go out to eat somewhere fun on payday.
It’s so simple, but I wouldn’t trade it for a minute. I’m so glad I realized this only 1 month into school.
I’ve done father/son retreats, which have been great, and will no try a father/daughter retreat. I love what you do, and I think the Saturday morning breakfasts are a great idea. Friday night is movie night in our house, and we try to do games on the other nights. Games are a great way to have conversation, joke, poke fun, teach sportsmanship. There are a ton of great games out there that really get everyone involved.
Another one I did recently is take my 7yo son jogging with me one morning. He did really well, and I know it won’t be long before I’m holding him back. Great time for conversation as well.
“Since my wife is generally the one who makes dinner, I’ve always taken it upon myself to clean up after we finish eating. And now that the school year has begun, I usually put together the next day’s bagged lunches at the same time.”
Wow, I like you even more now! What a great way to serve your wife and be an example to your children!
Tim
I really enjoyed this particular blog. This summer my youngest daughter got married to a wonderful guy; so my wife and I are empty nesters and now have the boy we never had before. ;)
Both our girls have turned into wonderful Christian young women. For the most part I think we did a pretty good job, in the fact that our children are now our friends and we look forward to seeing each other.There are a few things that I do regret however and that is the fact that I wasn’t more intentional on showing my girls my love for the Lord in areas like family devotions and making sure that I modeled Christ as Lord in every single area of life.
All too often I let life get in the way and let precious time slip by frivolously.I am not saying this to beat myself up; I just mention it because some of what I am seeing in my children has happened despite my influence as a parent not because of it.
There are a few things that I am still concerned about in my two girl’s life and that has to do with the Churches they are attending. I believe that some Emergent teaching is starting to show its ugly head. In a way, I can’t help thinking that I could have taught them a little about the dangers of movements like these. So when this kind of teaching surfaced it would be recognized.In fact my wife and I recently switched Churches because there were signs of this kind of thing happening in the Church we were attending. This switching Churches actually isn’t complete yet, because it is a little bit hard at getting my wife completely onside with me about this issue. But I digress, I have gone off topic.
That being said, I can do nothing about the past, I can only do something with the time God grants me from this time on.
I have a good friend who read that Brian Croft article and started implementing individual shepherding time- with his 5 and 3 year old, right at what’s spiritually interesting and important to them now. I think it is going to pay off in enormous dividends. So not necessarily just for older kids :-)
Both my sons are moving towards independence . My oldest ,(who is 20), is in college taking business and still at home to keep cost down and my youngest is in his last year of high school(he is 17). Over the years we would go for excursions to a local beach for a picnic . Which included your normal boy stuff. Throwing ball , flying kites , skipping rocks etc… I also tried to use outside time to talk of God’s creation and how it shows His majesty . At Christmas we had the tradition of the advent wreath and on each Christmas morning we would read the Bible , with me leading in a devotional before presents.I’m amazed at how good they were .Now with them being older , we are shifting a bit . I’m still thier Dad but its more of a shared experience . We still spend time together , on drives we listen to music and chat . We also jam , with me on guitar and my youngest on drums. We also play video games and watch movies. Still play some sports . I have tried to encourage an openness about the faith as well , knowing that as they go deeper into higher education they will encounter much against the faith . They know they can be real around me with their doubts , fears and questions.I still believe however , that no matter how old they get , the Dad will still be in there but it just becomes a different type . It is more Dad as a friend/mentor . The transition is subtle but I can see it happening. As I look back I wonder where the time went ? Many great memories , so my word to any Dad’s working too much , step back a bit because those years go by fast .As one young man I know said about his Dad, he gave them stuff (he worked 24/7) but he would have rather had much less and more of his Dad. Relationships over things .
Great post Tim. You’re a great dad and husband…glad that you are finding time to spend alone with them. Obviously I am not in this stage of life yet (Cora gets me to herself all the time) but when I am there I hope to remember what you, Maryanne, the Rose’s, and Jo all do…which is individual dates with your kids. I remember dad doing that with us and I loved it! Such a special time.
I lived at home until my 25th birthday. Before that I had a great relationship with my folks and they didn’t mind me being around. I knew a guy that “kicked” his son out the day after he finished high school. Seemed harsh to me. I always wondered if the kid felt unloved, like he was just in the way of his parents’ plans. The middle ground between these extremes would be age 21. Should 21 be the magic age when a kid leaves home permanently?
My son is about 10.5 as well. I also have 3 daughters who are 7, 5 and 3. In 10 yrs I will have 3 teenage girls. God help me! Please begin praying for me now.
My good intention (and I MUST make it reality!) is to work slowly through a nice leather Bible and mark it all up for EACH of my kids. I will present each bible (somewhat worn out by that time) to the designated child at a certain age with the prayer that he/she will come to treasure it and keep it forever. Each bible will be intentionally marked up with that particular child in mind. Can you imagine having a worn bible from your dad and reading through and finding handwritten notes addressed to you or scriptural insights with you in mind? And knowing that your dad prayed for you as he worked slowly through that bible? My hands are almost shaking as I think of how powerful this would be!