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Reveling in Humiliation
- 04/01/09
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Some time ago I read Girls Gone Mild, a book by Wendy Shalit. Shalit's first book, A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue was published eight years ago and caused quite a stir. Shalit, an Orthodox Jew, made the audacious claim that the sexual revolution may not have been entirely beneficial for women. She decried the lack of modesty this revolution has brought about and, according to TIME defended "compellingly, shame, privacy, gallantry, and sexual reticence." Of course many people, and feminists in particular, were disgusted with the book and ruthlessly mocked her. In her second book, Girls Gone Mild Shalit investigated a new movement that seems to be growing in strength and is being led by young people. It is a movement back to modesty and back to an understanding of womanhood that is somehow distinctly feminine.
It is not just Christians who are aghast at our culture's view of womanhood. The sexual revolution has produced a generation of girls who are brazen in their sexuality. We've come to a time when girls are offered the choice between being brave and sexual or timid and modest. Culture teaches that it is acceptable to wait to engage in sexual practices as long as you feel you are unprepared. It is those who are comfortable with their bodies who flaunt their nakedness while those who hide their bodies are ashamed. Hence it is the weak who wait and the strong who engage. And countless numbers of girls are engaged, even from a young age.
But that is not all. As girls become increasingly sexual at an increasingly young age, they also become aggressive. Girls have long been taught that traditionally feminine qualities such as niceness and gentleness are a sign of weakness. Girls are encouraged to be tough, to stand for their perceived rights. And girls do this. Bullying among girls has become commonplace in schools. The term "bullycide" has been coined, has had to be coined, to describe people, and often girls, who are driven to suicide by bullying.
Girls are being mean because their parents and teachers are teaching them to be mean, expecting them to be mean, demanding that they be mean. Adults are telling the children that it is the aggressive who will inherit the earth. The girls who are nice will be trampled on and will be left behind. Girls are also seeing meanness modeled for them in their entertainment. In discussing this topic, Shalit provided an interesting quote from none other than Erika Harold, who was Miss America 2003 and who is now studying law at Harvard. "A profound statement from a beauty pageant winner," you ask? Read on.
We live in a culture where reality TV is pervasive, and we're entertained by other's humiliation and by pulling on people's weaknesses and watching a weak person be embarrassed; and I maintain that's the cause--glorifying humiliation of others--not being good. With bullying it's about thinking you have the right to devalue other people, and there are some people who think people should just toughen up, grow up. But bullying, I think, is a much more pernicious problem than that. If people don't value other people, they just see it as acceptable to bully other people.
Last February, just as a new season of America's favorite program began, I wrote about American Idol and how it so masterfully combines our culture's twin obsessions with exhibitionism and voyeurism. I thought back to this article as I read the quote by Erika Harold. I thought again of William Hung who, perhaps more than anyone else, typifies the victims of reality television. Hung is, well, just not a very good-looking guy (we'll leave it at that). He may have thought that he was talented enough to make an impact at American Idol but the cold reality, as we all saw, was that he was utterly untalented as both a singer and dancer. Yet he passed through two levels of auditions and was given the stage in front of the judges where he was promptly humiliated and rejected. He was brought back later in the season for a special "Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented" episode where he performed again. He even released a series of three albums, all featuring his horrendous singing. He was a joke and we all laughed at him, not with him.
It is always educational to see what other reality programs are making waves. There is Hell's Kitchen where a chef with a serious anger problem screams at potential chefs; there is Big Brother, where people compete to be the last person standing in a house filled with cameras; there is American Inventor where people try to create the next big product and America's Got Talent where thousands compete in a national talent show with a million dollar prize. And then there is some horrendous show who's name escapes me where young women and older women compete for the attention of a sleazy bachelor. A popular game show, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? puts "average Americans" up against a group of 5th graders in a quiz show format. Those who cannot beat the children have to look into the camera and say, "I am not smarter than a 5th grader!"
The common thread with all of these shows is that they glory in humiliation. Some are worse offenders than others, but anyone who has seen the commercials where Chef Ramsey screams obscenities at chefs in Hell's Kitchen or who has seen advertisements of older women in anguish after being outfoxed by a younger woman on that ugly dating show will realize that the humiliation is as much the attraction as is the challenge of the show. I suspect as many people watch Hell's Kitchen to watch the outbursts as they do because they find the cooking interesting.
What is wrong with us? Why is it that we glory in the humiliation of others? Would we be as interested in these shows if they were merely about talent or about fascinating plots? I don't think we would. I think we are attracted to them precisely because they humiliate other people. We are attracted to them, at least in part, because they give us the opportunity to feel better about ourselves at the expense of others. "I may not be a good singer, but at least I'm not as bad as him. I may not be able to carry a tune, but at least I'm not delusional enough to go and audition for the show!"
Read the book of James and you'll come to the undeniable conclusion that what comes out of a person is a sure indication of what he puts in. This is true physically, emotionally and spiritually. What we allow into our hearts and into our minds necessarily impacts our lives. We may not be able to exhaustively examine our own hearts, but we can surely look to what comes out of us and see evidence of what we've been putting into our hearts.
It is impossible for us to revel in the humiliation of other people and not begin to see ramifications in our own lives. Bullying is a problem in schools today and it stands to reason that one of the causes of this behavior is children imitating what they see on television. The adults in these shows humiliate and belittle one another and the children take this as an example of acceptable human behavior. You and I may not be prone to bullying, but if we enjoy watching other people be humiliated, what does that say about us? And, of equal importance, how is that beginning to manifest itself in our lives?
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I write books and blogs for fun while doing web design and consulting for a living. I worship and serve at 
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Comments (26)
We pay far too little attention to the cultivation of our own humility. We try to pull ourselves up by pulling others down, and then we're surprised to find that we're all in the mud together.
"Woe is me, for I am undone!For I am a man of unclean lips,And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips,And my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of Hosts."
Hey Tim great post. You said "What is wrong with us? Why is it that we glory in the humiliation of others?" and I could not help but think of Christ as the crowds cried out "Crucify him". Maybe we are no different then the soldiers who spat on Him and mocked Him or the crowds who demanded His death.
Great post Tim. It's seems to me that true believers should be about the business of edification not humiliation. That's what we are called to do in the church. I can't see that it would be much different for us as we go out into the world, much less in our homes. I love 1 Cor. 12:7 "To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good." Or how about Rom. 12:10 " Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Isn't that the opposite of humiliation. I also thought of Philippians 2:3b "...count others more significant than yourselves."I suppose we could go on and on with these type of verses. The real question I would be interested in hearing you and your readers answer is why do believers continually entertain themselves with things that are clearly contrary to Scripture under the guise of 'liberty'?
I wonder, if we used Philippians 4:8 ["Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things"] as a definitive guideline to determine what we watch, what we read, where we go, and what we do; what kind of difference would it make in the way in which we view this world in which we live, and the way in which we conduct ourselves?
This mentality invades our spiritual life because, and I know I am guilty, we start to have doubts about whether we are truly saved and will be in heaven and the first thing that we do is look to others and say, "well if he is saved, then I know I MUST be saved because I'm more of a Christian than he is." We compare ourselves with others that we feel we are more mature spiritually and therefore, in essence, negate that maturity. Our culture is prone to the Pharisee syndrome of looking at others and saying, "At least I am not like this tax collector (Luke 18:9-14)." The Pharisee looked down on others to make himself better in his own eyes but not to God. Instead, we should compare ourselves to God and every time realize the humiliation of our sins and the majesty of His holiness and purity and be more willing to extend grace to others.
I've never seen or heard any of the examples that you provided in the post. I suppose that I'm glad I'm not that connected.
If society espouses a Darwinian worldview, then society will teach people how to be aggressive, humiliating and domineering. It's really the only way to survive in that culture.
You might want to think about not being where you can see "the commercials where Chef Ramsey screams obscenities at chefs in Hell’s Kitchen or who has seen advertisements of older women in anguish after being outfoxed by a younger woman on that ugly dating show will realize that the humiliation is as much the attraction as is the challenge of the show"
Thanks, Tim. "A Return to Modesty" was a phenomenal read. Your piece got me thinking about another area where we love to humiliate people: Sports. Trash-talk is just a staple, and we love the thundering dunk over a lesser player because it humiliates them.
Take away the Gospel, and sin will move slowly but surely throughout a culture. It's basically paganism in America todya, with little Gospel of grace being preached and lived out through the Church.
The Church tries to make America's culture more moral, as the ungodly simply take portions of the morality, and kkep some of their sin, and so we have nice sinners, maybe even nicer, but not wrath deserving sinners repentant and humbled before the Cross of Christ.
And there are many other gray areas, it's not a black and white thing. The kingdom of God is tares and wheat. But there will be a harvest. Jesus is ready to harvest His wheat i think. yet, I also think at times it could be another thousand years.
The Church in America needs a big time revival. though the Church is growing in a great way in Iran, Africa, and India.
Mike:
I'm not an athlete per se, but I play stuff like ping pong and foosbll, and I enjoy the trash talk aspect of it. It's generally friendly, but it does consist of people "tooting their own horn" when they do something that humiliates (in the context of the game) their opponent. Doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with it, esp. since I end up taking as good as I give. It makes the game more enjoyable.
As for dunks...I think the audience views them as a sort of "personal victory" on the part of the player, whereas an uncontested layup is just 2 points for the team. For better or worse, we like to see people "conquer" other people. It's why gladiatorial games were so popular. Only, now we don't actually kill people. Which, imho, makes all the difference.
Michael,
I agree with you 100%. Sports, (especially at the professional level) has degraded to the point where good sportsmanlike behavior is seen as a weakness. Whether it be a grossly over-celebrated touchdown, or a thundering slam-dunk, the moment is purely about self and is not at all selfless. The team fades into the background, and for that brief moment, it's all about the glorification of the scorer, and to a varying degree, the humiliation of the scored against.
Even when 1-1 trash-talk between consenting adult players occurs, the exchange seldom goes unnoticed and is particularly damaging to younger observers as it readily fits into the self-glorification they see continuously in today's media.
Meanness comes in a variety of fetid flavors. Whether found in an elementary school bully, or the "in your face" attitude of much of today's sports and popular music, meanness is deeply rooted in self-glorification, or self-promotion at the explicit expense of others.
When a game winning touchdown occurs, which do we enjoy seeing more? A high-stepping, hands and ball in the air, march toward the crowd? Or seeing the scoring player spin on his heels to face his teammates with his arms spread wide to receive them in celebration?
In Christ,
Dan...
dont u think that the 'humiliation' of alot of these reality shows are more about 'honesty' participants, like anyone, should have a freedom of choice. no one makes them go on the shows. as for the paid hosts, be it cowell or ramsay, yes ur rite, should have a level of responsibilty, as should the producers.
and lets be a bit more optimistic about modern femininity. yeah weev got lots wrong but weev progressed aswell. with woman equality comes a confidence that god loves us just as much as guys ( i bet this being a major hangup in the past) that woman too can have gifts of wisdom, preaching, insight and leadership. ok, the 21st century has brought good and bad, but lets not ponder on the bad for the sake of ignoring the good!
Thanks for some great thoughts. What amazes me is how society is constantly shaping how girls (and boys) grow up, telling them 'be this way.' For girls, they are essentially told to be like the boys: be tough, aggressive, be sexual hunters. The problem is, while they may bully their way to the top in a career, the boys grow up and want nothing to do with them! And boys are growing up, being told that their masculinity is wrong, and they should be more like girls (though even the girls shouldn't be like girls), and the same problem happens - girls don't want girly men!
Why do believers even watch this stuff? Watching it even in order to criticize gets these values into a person's head. This is what happened to the majority of the church when Hitler came to power. Listen to enough of the lies and you start to believe them, no matter how well-grounded and thoughtful one is. It's human nature. No one is immune. Throw out the tube. Television ownership, with rare exceptions, should be deemed incompatible with church membership.
"Throw out the tube. Television ownership, with rare exceptions, should be deemed incompatible with church membership."
Who are the rare exceptions, and who will decide who gets to own a TV? Just wondering.
This is so true! I remember a game show which may or may not still be on. I never watched it, but even the ads for it were painful. It was so sadistic and full of hatred and contempt for the participants...I don't understand how our society convinces itself that it is "enlightened" and "tolerant" when it enjoys such things.
I honestly don't watch the "idiot box" any more. Can't say I miss it, either.
Tim,
This is unrelated to your post but I wanted to bring this web site and in particular, this documentary photographer's work, to your attention. I thought you might find it to be a project worth supporting.
http://kevingerman.blogspot.com/2009/03/important-please-vote-now-ends-friday.html
Steve
The reasoning in this article is dubious on multiple occasions. Here's an example: "Girls are encouraged to be tough, to stand for their perceived rights. And girls do this. Bullying among girls has become commonplace in schools. "
Didja catch that? Didja see how standing up for yourself is magically transformed -- abra-cadabra -- into bullying? See if you can count how many other presto-change bait and switches are pulled in this article. I counted five.
In my case, in regards to the shows you've listed that I've watched, I am actually rooting for the underdog. I like to see less talented, less perfect, less cloned looking and acting people get out there and dance, or sing, or what have you. I applaud them. I like their courage.
Tim,
interesting post. With 4 girls of my own, you've given me some things to think about.
I certainly think your point about humiliation is valid. There is another genre on TV that uses the same formula as reality TV: afternoon talk shows. I have always been convinced that the appeal of Jerry Springer has been twofold: spectacle and humiliation. In watching, people would be shocked or amused at the guests life-situations. However, there was always the 'at least I'm not a loser like that guy' mentality that made the viewer feel good about themselves.
However, as beatrice81 has suggested, I think your post may also give people the wrong impression. I teach my girls to be tough. As a matter of fact, one of my girls will be starting her second season of lacrosse which she plays with boys. She is tough and is the only one of my girls who I would put in a lacrosse league with boys. But, I believe that girls can be tough without being mean. They can be tough and gentle and kind. I would argue that raising a girl in our culture requires you to teach them to be tough.
My mom raised 5 kids by herself. She was tough; tough as nails. But she was also loving and kind and gentle.
I'm certain you weren't suggesting that toughness necessarily leads to bullying or meanness. I thought I'd just give everyone some food for thought using beatrice81's comments as a springboard.
Thanks for your blog. I thoroughly enjoy it.
Jude
beatrice81
Talk about a switch, the article did not say "standing up for youself," it said, "...to stand for their PERCEIVED rights."
I have personally observed the change in girls in this regard over 20 years of teaching every level of school - Grade school, Middle school and High school. Most girls, and I do mean most girls, by the time they hit Middle school have a vocabulary and attitudes that would, as they say, "make a sailor blush!" They wish to prove that they can be tougher and mouthier than any boy, and they achieve it! The way in which both boys and girls talk about the most personal, intimate details about their bodies and lives is absolutely embarassing. Believe me, the change is real and evident to anyone who takes a serious look at the issue!
Dear beatrice81 (17) and Jude St.John (19),
Respectfully, regardless of gender, there is a huge difference between being strong in faith and character and thereby being a self-confident person, versus being a ruthless bully. There was no bait-and-switch in Tim's post. I too have observed the increase in both boy's and girl's aggressiveness and meanness. However, it is arguably true that the increase has been disproportionately higher in our girls (young women) and that this is a direct result of our culture's attitudes and expectations for young women. I am an engineer and trainer of professional drivers. I have been stunned at the increase of aggressive and careless driving I've observed in our young drivers within the last 10 years. And when I witness this behavior, ~80% of the drivers are female and under 21 years of age.
There are many great women (and men), historically and presently, who have proven that true strength is derived by having a strong faith-driven character and in how this strength is reflected in ones life. Today's culture does not celebrate or even support this type of strength, regardless of gender.
In Christ,
Dan...
Dan,
you say: "there is a huge difference between being strong in faith and character and thereby being a self-confident person, versus being a ruthless bully."
That is exactly the differentiation I was making, though, you said it better.
As I mentioned in my comment, I don't think Tim was suggesting that girls couldn't be tough and gentle/kind/nice but that I could see why someone might misinterpret his post.
Jude
Everyone of us has a dark-side that takes interest in a train or car-wreck.
There was one additional aspect of our culture that that was missing from the blog and the associated comments thus far.
Q: What is the fastest growing sport in the U.S.? A: Mixed Martial Arts (MMA for short).
I used to watch this on Spike T.V. and justified my watching this human version of cock-fighting (or dog fighting), because I used to wrestle and this was the closest sport to wrestling on T.V.
I noticed that it did make me a more physically and verbally aggressive person.
Thankfully, I was also listening to R.C. Sproul at the time and something he said convicted me about watching MMA. I don't recall exactly but I believe it referenced Roman gladiators and how we are not glorifying God by supporting the barbarism.
I immediately stopped watching and have never gone back.
Praise God!
I remember my former pastor going to NBC a while back to speak to one of the more important guys, he said it went well. This guy however made a very good comment he said, if the demand wasn't there, then there would be no supply--(implying that if the church didn't watch it, then it wouldn't be there)--
Even within the church it's detesable to think of how many let their daughters dress (what in the world do some fathers think? I know they struggle with the same things yet they don't apply it to their daughters???)Yet it's more than just culture, consider also the many warnings the book of proverbs has concerning seductive women (the bible NEVER paints the 'missing father-figure' or the 'just wants to be loved' escapes that are accepted today.Reality shows might also be linked to our temptation to gossip as we dive into the lives of others-its not like actors and actresses but actual people that are being pressured, being humiliated, being scarred for life and who knows what may come of it-the Fear of man is a great beast that Christians must struggle with, but a LOST person who's humiliated (and dominated by this fear of men) doesn't produce anything but hate or utter hopelessness---> AVOID THIS GARBAGE, if you see yourself finding delight in the misery of others (you might as well read front page news while laughing
Jude St.John (22),
I don't know if you'll be back to this thread again as it is getting a bit dated. However, I started my earlier reply wanting to present a point of polite dis-agreement to beatrice81, and an acknowledgment of general agreement with you. So I addressed the reply to you both. However, I found myself to be pressed for time and never got to the later point. Sorry...
I do agree with you that our daughters should be tough and competitive when it is appropriate. The same credo must be applied to our sons. At the same time, there is a coarseness and a callousness that is being proffered to our children with a distinct emphasis or a specific focus directed toward our daughters to not be feminine. To be feminine is to be weak, so be more like the boys. Yet our sons are told that masculinity is is oppressive and insensitive. I see a dangerous pattern here in that society (culture) is trying to lessen the distinctiveness of gender; so that alternatives to the traditional, God-ordained, institution of marriage might be less abhorrent. But that's another subject for another time...
In Christ,
Dan...
I agree with your comments, Tim but would also suggest that a new form of degradation and humiliation extends to the male gender especially in the media. It seems in the last few years we see more and more of men being depicted as ignorant, clueless and thoughtless and as the butt of jokes - repeatedly disrespected. This is very disturbing to watch. Do we really treat the men in our lives like this? And we like to watch it????