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Trusting God with what Matters Most
- 06/21/10
- 19
It strikes me often how life is cyclical; how things I wrestle with and ponder and pray about will come to the forefront of my life and faith a month or a year or two years later. One of the biggest blessings of having a journal (which is often how this site functions for me) is that I can go back and see how I dealt with these things in the past. It is good to see how situations repeat themselves but how my responses may vary with time and Christian experience.
In the past couple of years I’ve often given a lot of thought to the nature and strength of my faith: the things of God in which I have great faith, and those in which I have little faith or even no faith at all. These times of reflection has been both a delight and a sorrow; a joy and an embarrassment.
I have seen that my faith can be pictured as something like a line graph. Certain points along the x-axis are very high along the y-axis and, I trust, almost unshakable. I believe, for example, that God exists. This is a faith that God has placed in my heart and I do not believe that it can be shaken or destroyed—I never struggle with whether or not God exists. Beside that there are other high points in my faith: the Bible is God’s Word to us and is without error; God has saved me and adopted me into his family; God loves me; there is a heaven; Jesus Christ died to take the penalty of my sin. These are all areas in which I have a good deal of faith and I praise God for this.
As we travel down the x-axis, down towards the long tail (that portion of the graph which skirts the 0 on the x-axis, but doesn’t quite reach it), we come to areas where my faith is not quite so strong. Here we will find my belief that God truly does desire to bring me the best through adversity. Here we will find my belief that God does hear and answer prayer. These are things I believe, but without the strength of conviction of those I listed earlier. They are areas where I tend to see emotion come into conflict with knowledge—with what I know to be true but often don’t accept as truth.
This gentle slope continues almost until the line almost touches against the x-axis, the place where my faith seems to just run out. It just stops. Just like that we come to the edge of my faith and are left with those areas where my faith is vague and distant and shows little conviction. I know certain things are true in my head, but my heart rebels. And what is lurking down here? The one thing I’ve found through all my heart-searching is the faith that God will take care of my family if I cannot; that he can do far better at taking care of them than I can. You see, I desire heaven. I truly do want to be in heaven and to see an end to this life which is so filled with pain and discomfort and all manner of things that will be absent in heaven. I do desire to be with the Lord and know that this desire is healthy. Yet I must desire it just a little less than I desire to stay right here. And the principle reason for this, I’m convinced, is that I don’t trust God with my family.I know that if I were to go to heaven I would leave my family here without me. Aileen would be left without a husband and my children would be left without their daddy. And who would take care of them? Who would support the family financially, bringing in the money to buy food and clothing? Who would put a roof over their heads? Who would continue my work in teaching my son to play baseball and who would tell my daughters they look beautiful when they put on their favorite dresses and spin across the room? Who would make sure the doors are locked and quietly assure the children that “daddy is here, everything will be alright?”
I have given my family to God. I have said to God that he is free to do what he wills with them and I will accept his decision. And I’ve meant it, as much as I can. Of course I know that God is not dependent on me in this way, but it was a faith-building exercise for me. Likewise I have given him my life, begging him to live in and through me and to use me however he sees fit, even if that means bringing me home to himself. But despite my pleas and despite my apparent faith in his goodness, I am still not ready to leave my family. Maybe in my head I am, but certainly not in my heart.
I guess what it comes down to is the harsh truth that I trust God with my life, but not with theirs. I trust that he will provide for them, but only through me. The hypocrisy in my heart is terrible, I know. Somehow I believe that God needs me to take care of my family. Somehow I believe that he will provide for them, but yet I don’t believe he can or will do it apart from me. Somehow I must believe that I am the one taking care of them.
But there must be a second factor at work here. I must also have too low a view of heaven. If all that God has revealed about heaven is true, and I believe it is, I ought to desire it more than anything. I should feel the same anticipation as the apostles who spoke continually about their hope being not in this life, but in the life to come. It is clear to me that I am basking in temporary, fleeting pleasures that are merely a shadow of what is to come, and enjoying these so much I am not looking forward to the real thing. I am licking my lips in anticipation of the crumbs that will fall under the table rather than anticipating the great feast that is to come.
And I guess the third factor is that I do not, in my heart of hearts, trust the church to fulfill its role in caring for the orphan and the widow. Sure they would be there initially and for a few weeks the freezer would be stuffed full of macaroni casseroles, but my faith does not extend to six or eight months down the road when I have long since been forgotten and the deepest loneliness sets in to the family.
So this is my confession based on much reflection. It is almost embarrassing to write about this. It is humiliating to come to the edge of my faith. Yet I trust that with his help he and I will be able to push the edge of my faith further up that slope. And God is good to reassure me, even through the very people I am so hesitant to leave. Not too long ago my daughter turned to me, completely out of the blue, and said, “Daddy, I don’t have to be scared if I wake up at night because God is holding my hand. It says in the Bible that God holds us in the palm of his hand. God will always take care of me.” It brought a lot of joy to my heart to hear that simple expression of my daughter’s fledgling faith that there is a God and that he cares. And somewhere, somehow, despite the rebellion of my heart, I know that he will protect them no matter what, with or without my help.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (19)
Many fathers certainly identify with this post. I know that I do. It is relatively easy to trust God for oneself. It is quite another matter to trust your most precious loved ones into His care. Truth is, in His care is where they already are! Even as I affirm this truth, my “faith graph” still hovers too close to the zero to bring the appropriate honour to Him with Whom we have to do. Thanks for the insight into your heart.
Tim,What a profound journal entry. You write of matters so many dare not even whisper. But we all live in this precise grip between earth and heaven. Thank you for putting yourself out there. It’s a gift.
At the turn of the new year, God challenged me to these three things: to walk in deeper humility and to worship Him by longing for Him (my heavenly abode) more than all other things in this life, including and especially my family.
I don’t believe God intended these things to be an exercise of my faith (as an end) so much as it’s meant to be a means of dying to self —to truly know what it means to live unto Him.
I am on the precipice looking at our senior years. My husband has dementia and I am studying all that involves. I look back at my soon to be 66 years this week, and see clearly how the Lord has led me in the past. But the future?
Yesterday I counseled on FB chat a young pastor who is on his own precipice, not knowing what he will do in three weeks when he leaves the pastorate. I told him that the Lord will hold him in all his struggles with career, family and finances. I believe that for him.
But do I believe that for myself going into the senior years with my strong husband now not so able, forgetting what day it is, what we did yesterday, how gadgets such as cell phones work? About a month ago the panic hit me big time.
Then came a sermon at the right time. “Supplication” was the message. I have Supplication at my disposal and can face the precipice and not dive over it. I listen and apply that sermon. Thank God for biblical pastors!
Surely, I can identify with you, many , many times doubt creeps in, but my remedy is pray for my fledgling faith to recover back. I believe 99% faith is not faith at all. It’s all or nothing. Long time ago I committed everything about my family to the Lord, He is my only insurance even in reality worldly wisdom would not allow you to have none, but I do not have faith in them. Material/financial insurance, investment are common cliche, marketing media have caught up with some of our most revered Christian values as far as insuring our family’s future. But I do not have to trust in them. For me it is just putting 25 cents on a coin laundry no more no less, it holds no water. But faith in Jesus, gives us the bible definition of hope, a blessed assurance in life here as well as life hereafter for us and our family.
Wow!
What a great post, Tim. Thanks for your honesty!!
It gets me thinking about drawing a similar “faith graph”, and marking out areas of my life that have that 15 inch gap between believing in my head and living out in my heart.
Hmm. I am hopeful though that God will continue to shape you us!
Tim,
Here’s what came to my mind as I read your confession:
Have you ever been in a situation where you, as a child, were riding along in an car, or a boat, or anything “steerable”? While riding along you’re quite comfortable and content with the whole process because your father, or your mother, or any other “trusted” adult is at the controls. You haven’t a care in the world because your faith is at the 100% level. Having a faith at this level in another human being is not at all realistic to be sure; but it’s one of the great privileges of being a child. Besides, the human at the wheel isn’t human! He’s your Dad! You have found safe haven in his arms many times, for as long as you can remember. At this point in your life you would be hard pressed to find a more secure place to be; except maybe in Mom’s arms… You get the idea…
Now I’m old enough to easily say that I grew up long before seat belts in cars were common or commonly used to be sure. And I can remember very well being quite content one summer as we were on our way to my parents home town in S.E. Kansas. It was a hot summer day, just a couple lazy days until the 4th of July and all the car windows were wide open as we sped along that sunflower highway. I joyfully escaped the noisy windows by lying down flat on the back seat with my bare feet just barely poking out the open window on the other side of the car. It was bliss, pure bliss… You see… We were going home, to Grandma and Grandpa’s!!! To both Grandma and Grandpa’s !!!! I can tell you that to this day that there’s been no sweeter childhood feeling!
I’ll never know what caused me to sit up and look through the big windshield of our ‘57 Ford station wagon with the “Thunderbird” engine under the hood. It was then that I noticed that my little brother wasn’t in his usual spot in the middle of the front seat! I looked at my Mom expecting him to be in her lap. No…! I then looked over at my Dad who was driving, but he wasn’t driving! My little brother was sitting on his lap! Actually, he was kneeling on my Dad’s lap so that he could see and was holding on to a steering wheel that was bigger than he was! And he was the one steering the car! Suddenly, all of that blissful security flew right out of one of those noisy open windows! I tried to cover my nervousness by shouting out: “Hey! David’s driving!”
Of course there was no real reason to worry because my Dad’s big strong hands were right there, just in case. At least that’s what I kept telling myself!
You see it WAS all about faith. Whether we’re alive and can be with our family members to take care of them; or we have to leave them when the Lord calls us home; either way, it’s really not us doing the driving. The Lord’s big hands are actually doing the driving! We are all in His big strong hands after all…
I think you’re right Tim. It’s much easier to have faith and to trust our personal well being to God rather than the well being of our family members. Perhaps we are being prideful to think that no one can take care of them as well as we can? Or perhaps it’s simply that we love them more than we love ourselves? I think that an important part of the sanctification process is learning to surrender all to our Lord and Savior. To slowly be made more like Christ by trusting Him just as He trusted the Father. To finally let go of the steering wheel…
Thank you, Tim.As someone who was on the other side of your situation as a teenage girl, I can assure you that God truly does take care of the widows and fatherless, especially when others forget their need a few years down the road. It was, and still is, a struggle much like yours for me to trust that God will provide for us without my dad, but God gives grace in our insufficiency.
Thanks Tim! I am coming to realize more and more everyday that the direct opposition to faith is my-control. When I’m always in control I get in the way of God and his work. This, man-centered control, is evident in every aspect of our lives, at the office, at home with our families, at play with our friends, at church with our brothers & sisters, the list is endless. As fallen humans we are wired to control, manage, fix and put trust in our own efforts. Faith, on the other hand, is trusting God and NOT me.
“It is relatively easy to trust God for oneself. It is quite another matter to trust your most precious loved ones into His care.”
Well put. It comes down to the gods we have in our lives… even when those gods were specifically given as a good thing from God before we turned them into gods.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
I’m not sure that being torn is a bad thing or even a matter of not trusting God. It might be, but not necessarily. Wasn’t Paul torn over pretty much the same issue in Philippians?
I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.
It wasn’t as if God couldn’t have raised up someone else to do Paul’s job. But right now, they needed him and he wanted to see his God-given task through to the end.
Being father, dad, etc is your job right now, and it’s a job God gave you. Part of that job is understanding that they need you.
But despite my pleas and despite my apparent faith in his goodness, I am still not ready to leave my family.
I don’t think you should be ready to leave your family. If God decided to take you in a way that you could know ahead of time that you were dying, I think he’d prepare you so that you were ready. But part of the way he accomplishes what he wants from you right now is by tying you to your family, by giving you the strong desire to be there to protect them, and by helping you understand that right now, you are necessary to them.
I agree with Sarah that a child has a lot of trust to learn too. Soon I’ll move away from home for the first time for graduate school. I’m scared to realize I may have put a deposit in an unsafe apartment complex and may have to go elsewhere. I’m afraid about the future and responsibility and money. As I step away from my father’s provision I’m being challenged to believe that God will protect, guide, and provide for me even when I make bad decisions or if something bad happens to me.
God has taken three of my six children home to heaven with Him, and I know that He is taking better care of them than I ever could. But He didn’t ask me if I had the faith to handle their loss….He just did what He KNOWS.
Grief doesn’t always follow the logical path, and my heart weeps daily for the hands I don’t get to hold, the daughter I don’t get to compliment as lovely, and the son I won’t play catch with.
If I can live through this, loving God while he holds me fast, then I can trust him to care for my remaining children. Will their lives be what I would have chosen? No. Their lives will be hard, painful and (GOD MAKE IT SO!!) fruitful.
Thank you for sharing this, Tim. You blessed me today with your honesty and faith.
Come, Lord Jesus!
Great post! Thanks for your honesty. You’re not alone. You’re surrounded by other believers who have their own jagged faith graphs. We all need to take an honest look! But most importantly, you’re not alone in that God works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.
Trusting God is not difficult if we know Him. God Himself wants us to trust Him. He don’t only want us to believe Him, but He also want to make Himself verifiable. He does it through His miracles. So that we can know Him - we trust Him - and we love Him.
I absolutely agree with Rebecca. I don’t think a strong desire to stay and care for your family necessarily reflects lack of trust in God. You can know heaven is better for you and still be compelled by your God-given roles of husband and father.
I don’t discredit your thoughts. I am a wife and mother and I struggle with similar feelings. Maybe I don’t trust God to comfort and care for my family like I should. I also just know that even though they will ultimately be OK, my absence would hurt—I don’t want that for them. I surrender it to God, but I don’t desire it.
The lack of trust in the church may be legit too. I believe much does depend on the obedience of God’s children. And clearly much disobedience goes on. Macaroni casserole certainly wouldn’t cut it for me!
Wrestle on brother - there are signs of a strong faith in God evident in the process of your wrenching yourself free from the grip of the temporal and laying hold of the eternal.
Beautifully written. I so appreciate your open and candid words. How special to see God working mightily in you.
Good gracious, brother. This is such a refreshing cup of cold water. I have a lovely wife and a new daughter, and I’m hounded by thoughts of their safety. Reading your article helps me see how this is a heart issue, at its root. Oh, Jesus, help me.
Tim,
I appreciate you sharing your heart on this topic. I have the same struggle with trusting God with my family.
Mark