- RSS FeedSubscribe
- « Previous PostA La Carte (9/16)
- Next Post »A La Carte (4/17)
Weeping Together
- 09/16/10
- 19
Last night we received the shocking news that one of our next-door neighbors had taken his life just a few hours prior. He was only fourteen years old. Though he was a boy who suffered from Asperger’s and a few obsessive kinds of disorders, he was still, by all appearances, quite a normal kid—a reclusive one, but one who was still a presence in the neighborhood. Yesterday, while out with his mother, he threw himself off a building and fell to his death. We grieve for the family he left behind—for his mother, his sister and his two brothers.
Later today, when my children return home from school, we will need to tell them the sad news. It is a difficult thing to have to tell young children—that a child who lived next door took his own life. As I lay in bed this morning, wondering how I could best explain it to them, I thought back to an old blog post I had written. Though I wrote it seven years ago, it seemed somehow fitting to post it again today since the issues will be the same as I explain death to my three children, all of whom have been blessedly protected from its harsh reality through their young lives.
*****
My son is three years old and has recently begun to become aware of the existence of death. At only three he has far greater capacity to wonder and to ask questions than he does to understand. This makes it difficult and as his father I struggle to try to share with him what death is and how something so terrifying and so final can be made an occasion of wondrous joy.
Today while my wife was at a Bible study, Nick and I settled down to watch a movie. It was a children's movie and at the end one of the central characters died. I watched Nick as this event unfolded. I could see his face fall and his eyes narrow as the character died. I saw tears form as he watched the loved ones gather around their fallen friend. He turned to me and with tears spilling down his cheeks sobbed, "Daddy, why did he have to die? When is he going to come alive again?" I pulled him to my lap and reminded him of heaven and told him that people who love God go to heaven when they die. I told him how heaven is a place where there is no more death, no more fighting and no more sadness. I told him that it is a place where we can always be with God and where boys and their daddies can be together forever. He tried so hard to understand, but how is a three-year old mind supposed to understand a concept as large and as unnatural as death?
And so we sat on the couch and we wept together. Nicky put his head in my lap and cried about something he could not understand and something he was not created to understand. Daddy stroked his hair and wept for this world—a world which was created for us to live in for all eternity with our Maker, but a world that has been defiled by death. I wept that a three-year old needs to concern himself with death; with things he cannot and should not understand.
I asked Nicky if I could pray with him and wiping the tears from his cheeks he said "yes" and closed his eyes. So I asked God if he would help Nicky understand that death is not something to be feared if we love Him. I asked Him to help Nick learn to love Him more and more. And of course I asked Him to give Nicky peace so that his young mind wouldn't be troubled by concepts too difficult for him to understand.
I wish I could explain to my son about the death of death accomplished through the death of Christ. I wish I could make him understand that if he places his trust in Jesus he has nothing to fear in life or in death. I hope, I trust, I pray that such an understanding will come in due time, so that when someday Nick's eyes close in death, he and I will be reunited in that place where death shall be no more, where there will be no more mourning, pain or sorrow and where God will have already wiped away the tears that filled his little eyes.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
Releasing on April 1, The Next
Published in 2008, this book
This is a guide that calls men,
This review of the bestselling
New to the site? You can get
This is a guide written
Comments (19)
Had this child been bullied? Can you write an article that gives Biblical advice that can help us combat the epidemic of bullying in society?
There are good children’s books that discuss death, although the ones that I’ve seen do not include religious beliefs. Research on children suggests that they do not have a mature understanding of death until around age 9. But it’s recommended that parents use opportunities (like coming upon a dead animal when they’re out walking with their child) to see if their child has any questions or concerns about what death is. They aren’t as oblivious to death as adults think they are so it’s better to talk about it before it happens to a loved one. (Sorry for the lecture! I teach a course on death and dying and we cover this issue.)The suicide of your neighbor is indeed a tragedy.
Truly sad and tragic. This hit home for me a bit. My brother-in-law , who lives with us (he is 47) has a combination of aspergers and hyperlexia , both on the autism spectrum. His life has been a tale of bullying in high school and abuse . From a casual observer he would appear “normal” but within everyday living , you would soon notice very clearly signs of this brain disorder. They have big problems in social functions because they find it hard to read cues . Facial expressions and tones of voice . which play a part in how we relate , are very hard for them to grasp. They often feel uncomfortable with strong emotions . They overreact often and misunderstand communication.Often they have a hard time in the work force in just holding down a job . I know of one young man now in his late 20’s , who is on permanent disiablity . He just could not function in the work place.For many dealing with intimacy is very over whelming , so they often try to avoid it like the plague. So this young man probably suffered from isolation and only God knows what else. Last year in a Globe and Mail article ,it revealed those who suffer this disorder are more prone to depression and suicide.
My brother-in-law has been fortunate . His Dad was a pastor , so his life was filled with support and a social structure that helped him have a safe environment away from school.Plus it helped him develop some basic social skills. Within our home Church he is accepted and loved. Plus by living with us , he has structure and a safe environment as well. He has been successfully employed at a local grocery store for years and customers love him. He is a hard worker. But at the same time , living with him , you have to accept his unique ways. But is it not a way to mirror Christ in loving those who at times are hard to love . Oh that would be me.
Who knows what this young man thought in his head or what he dealt with in school for being different. Truly praying for the family and you Tim for wisdom as you talk with your children.
So sorry to hear about your neighbor Tim. His poor mom. Will be praying for her today and you as you explain this death to your children.
(I posted this at Facebook but I’s like to make sure you see this…)
Oh Tim, you and I are strangers (yet faith siblings) but I have been right in this place… My bright, handsome, funny 14 year old strangled himself to death in his closet 4 years ago.Be there for them. Try not to look for answers, not now… anyway. Just be there. Like Job’s friends (initially) did, sit in silence. And keep silent vigil just as long as you can. Tears and prayers. God knows and cares… and He is so very good. Sending love and comfort your way…http://byetobryant.blogspot.com/2006/08/15-is-number-of-day.html
Praying for this and how God will use you in it.
When we lost our 17 year old son we had young children still at home (5, 7, 9, 13, 15). There is real comfort in the realities of heaven and God’s plan of salvation. But there are also those “reality” questions. “Hey, if he’s in heaven, how come we just “visited” him at the funeral home?” Not to mention the questions concerning the big box he’s in and the cemetary. However, I think we benefited for having to go through that with our children. I firmly believe that having to explain something so that a 5 year old can understand helped us all to grasp the really deep truths of the situation.
P. S. This family will need support now and for a long time. Grieving doesn’t end when those around are ready to “move on.”
Praying for this child’s family… My heart grieves for them. May God give you and your wife the best words to explain this to your own children.
A very hard moment in your life, I am sure. Sharing, weeping, and living are sometimes hard to teach children. Thank you for posting this.
I will be praying for this family. I will also pray for you as you talk with your children. I will also pray for you as you have opportunity to minister God’s grace in this family.
As others have said, just be there for the family. Love therm. They need that more than anything now and for a long time.
This hits SO close to home, as I have a 14 y/o son with Asperger’s and the obsessive tendencies and social ineptitude that go along with it. He hasn’t had any friends since he was very small. The bullying at school got so bad that I had to pull him out and am homeschooling him. He struggles with rage amplified by adolescent hormones. Medication, homeschooling, a counselor, and a very caring Youth Pastor are helping, but it’s still very hard. And I know that the suicide rate among adolescents and young men with Asperger’s is much higher than the societal average.
I am so saddened to think of what this family is going through, and what their son must have been going through. It’s a kind of suffering that is increasing as the number of people on the autism spectrum skyrockets. I am glad this family has good Christian neighbors like you to help them through this terrible time.
We will be in prayer for your neighbours and for your family.
Thanks for the links, too.
Praying for you and your wife as you display the gospel to this family. Our neighbor took her own life several years ago. It was incredibly difficult but the Lord provided multiple opportunities to love and care. Pray He is able to use you both likewise. I am so sorry.
Tim, This post brings me to tears because I have a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. I know full well the risk of suicide for teenagers with Asperger’s. The rate is very high, especially if the condition has gone undiagnosed and, therefore, untreated.
I see signs in my son that scare me so much about the next several years (he’s 9 years old).
Asperger’s is a difficult condition to live with because by most standards, people suffering from it appear quite normal. A little strange, maybe, but definitely not like others with autism (Asperger’s is a form of autism). And there is a great deal of silent suffering.
My heart grieves deeply for the boy’s family.
Tim, I have a 27 year-old son who has always reminded me of you. He wrote this when his own son went through a similar experience. Maybe it will help:http://fictionbookclub.wordpress.com/
When my son was 3 he also went through the death questions. I highly recommend the book ‘Someday Heaven’ by Larry Libby for young children. It a large print book for children that answers many of the questions they ask with Biblically based answers.
Praying for you as you minister to your family and neighbors, Tim.
“It is a difficult thing to have to tell young children—that a child who lived next door took his own life.”
Dying is bad enough. Suicide is very heavy indeed. Children dying is the most difficult, and children killing themselves is even more hard to take in and discuss.How much can one say?
Thanks for the post. i shall pray for your neighbors, that God will intervene in their lives at this deep sorrowful time.
I don’t know what i would do if one of my grandsons died, or was killed. I really don’t. Just the thought is hateful to me.
I am so sorry Tim for your neighbors and you and your family. Last week I went to a funeral for a co-worker who took her own life. She was a mother of two. We just never know the depths of despair other people live with.
I am so sorry to hear of such a tragedy. It breaks my heart to hear that - and hits close to it. I was clinically diagnosed ADDHD years before it became a popular over-medicated catch-all for pediatricians. I consider myself an “Aspie” as we call ourselves, because I have many of the classic “constellation” symptoms - and many researchers consider ADDHD + Aspergers the same thing, other cite a 20-30% co-morbitity (both present) to be present between ADDHD and Aspergers. I spent a lot of years in denial, and actually more or less gave (up or used as little as possible of it out of rebellion) a full-tuition grant to study anything I wanted to anywere, paid for by the state, but hated it because I hated the label and the diagnosis.
As I’ve grown older - and learned more about ‘my wiring’ and that while I may have to a degree outgrown the ADD, I have mediated many of the asocial, communicative issues with Aspergers through constantly challenging myself both socially and intuitively reaching and advancing the ‘skill sets’ that I’ve had to patiently learn that comes so naturally with most everyone else.
I felt deeply grieved in my heart to read/hear what this young man did - even as I know the depths of my own dispair that I myself fought through.
the one thing that I tell other aspies - is that you really can re-orient your thinking and your self-perception and not see it as much as a ‘brokenness’ but moreso - especially as one gets older - a gift. Archtypically, in spectral austism disorders (which aspergers is a part of; one falls on its ‘continuum’) a person has something “taken away”/diminshed and almost always something else “given”/enhanced. The proverbial saying “for everything that is taken, something else is given” could be said to very much represent what it is often like being an aspie. I have no doubt that this young man had some incredible potential. He felt his life to be worthless, because some part of being was ‘wired for 12 vols’ rather then the 120 volts he saw in all his friends. I know that somewhere - he had 1,200 volts - enough to light up a football field and run any factory. If you are reading this - and you know an aspie - help them find where that is. It really can make all the differince to know that about themselves for that person.
In Christ,
matthew lipscomb