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Faux Pas?
- 01/29/06
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I’m going to give you an opportunity to end a friendly little marital dispute. Feel free to chime in through the comments section as we try to solve this one.
Aileen believes it is rude to ask yourself over to another person’s home. I disagree. I see nothing wrong with asking a person if we can come over either just to hang out or even for lunch. This may be as simple as saying, “So how about we come by your house for lunch after church next Sunday?” I’ve been known to do this and Aileen thinks it is rude. She’s actually a little embarrassed when I do this.
Now let me qualify by saying that I am thinking of someone who is not a complete stranger and neither is it a family with whom we are very close.
So tell me, am I committing some horrible social faux pas or is it acceptable for me to ask someone else if they’d like to have us over?
PS - Paul - Depending on the outcome of this discussion I may owe you an apology and may have to retract an email I sent you not too long ago!
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
Releasing on April 1, The Next
Published in 2008, this book
This is a guide that calls men,
This review of the bestselling
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Comments (51)
If it is rude, I’m guilty! Just the other day my friend mentioned his recent purchase of a sports related video game. At which point, I immediately suggested I come over and play it!
I think the situation would be different if it was me, my wife, and our four children (which in March will be five). That would be a little overwhelming I’m sure. In that situation, I think advance notice would need to be given and the frequency would need to be at a minimum.
Ashley - ashleylangford.com
I have to side with Aileen. Many people may feel they have to say yes when asked if you can come over although they might not feel up to it or perhaps they are in the middle of something important to them.In fact, it can be a bit on the manipulative side.
Better to allow an invitation. Then you will know for sure that it is a convenient time for them.
I should point out that I wouldn’t ask myself and the family over in the immediate future (ie. I wouldn’t ask if I could come over after church that day). But I would ask for a future time…
Word your question in such a way that it’s easy for the other person to refuse, and you might be okay. Throw something in like: “Would it be convenient for you if….”
“Word your question in such a way that it’s easy for the other person to refuse, and you might be okay. Throw something in like: “Would it be convenient for you if….”“
Of course! It’s a polite invitation - I’m just inviting myself over rather than inviting that person to my house. :-)
Tim, in general, I’m with Aileen (though there are always exceptions!)
But I bet no one takes your friendliness as rudeness.
You don’t know me from Adam, but … my vote’s rude ;)
Think about if the situation were reversed, and you just didn’t feel like it. Wouldn’t you feel pressured to say yes?
Tim, I’m afraid I may not be much help here. I ask myself to other people’s houses occasionally, but once I’m on the way I wonder if they felt obligated to let me come. So yea. I think it probably wouldn’t be a huge issues if you’re friends with the person. So yes, I’m no help at all.
Sorry Tim, I have to side with Aileen. Generally speaking I don’t invite myself over to someone’s house. The only exception I can think of is perhaps when a friend and I get together regularly (read: we’re really good friends.) Then, I suppose, I could do it.
I personally wouldn’t invite myself over for lunch even if we were really close to the other couple. I would, however, invite them to my house for lunch as then the burden of preparation is on me.
Or, sometimes I might suggest getting together at either house - then, if they want to do it at their place they will volunteer and not feel put on the spot.
I would say that it definitely depends on the presentation and how well you know the person. Overall, though, I don’t think it would be rude at all if done right. So long as you leave a large avenue of escape (i.e. make it very easy for them to say no if they don’t want to), I think it’s fine. Of course, some people can tend to be offended more easily than others, so a lot of it comes with knowing your audience. So I’ll have to side with you on this one, Tim.
I suspect to some degree it depends on the way/in the culture you were brought up?
I come from a small town where this is a very normal thing to do. No one feels obligated to say “yes come on over”, because if it’s inconvenient they just say ” that’s not a good day or time for me”.
Moving here 8 years ago, I quickly learned it’s not the culture at all, it seems. My own mother in law will not come over without being invited. I’ve commented to my husband that if we lived in my hometown instead, it would be his mother-in-law that would be calling to say “I’m on my way over, just thought I’d let you know”. :)
So maybe it’s really more of a culture thing, than proper etiquette? Where I come from, if you waited for an invite, you may be waiting a very long time. ;)
Carla - That sounds about right. Obviously some of this depends on context and culture…
Dearest brother-
First off, you are allowed to ask yourself over to my house any time- and you will always receive a resounding “Of course!” Second, I love it when people invite themselves to my home, because it communicates a message of enjoyment and appreciation of my home and family. I think a self-extended invitation is a high compliment…and not rude at all, though perhaps unethical in our closed-door society. I think the matter all depends on upbringing and culture. Being a little unethical is not a bad thing though. When I went door-to-door canvassing for friends in our neighborhood, it was a little awkward, but it has been the best way to get to know people. In suburbia, unless you force yourself kindly on people, they are going to be swallowed up by the garage every evening, and relationships will not happen. So, have at it. And as always, if doors close in your face up north, know that at least one door here in the south is always open for you.
No way around it. The onus is on the host to extend an invitation, not the guest.
Maryanne - I do think we’re just acting out what was modelled for us in mom and dad. They were never afraid to ask people over or to ask others to extend an invite, were they?
I wonder also if there is a difference between US and Canada…
Skip the uninvited outing and take the wife to a nice restaurant. Throw in a few roses while you’re at it. ;-)
I love it when people feel comfortable enough to invite themselves over. I feel comfortable enough to say “nope, that won’t work”, or absolutely, that will be great.
“I wonder also if there is a difference between US and Canada…”
Not to mention differences in regions of the US. A Southern friend of mine expects for me to invite myself over. My mother’s from upstate New York and finds it extremely rude to invite oneself to anyone’s house, regardless of the relationship. Same with my sister-in-law who’s from N. Indiana.
Sorry Tim! I’m with Aileen on this! :)
Hmm…that would depend on how well you know the person. If you’re good friends with them, then I see no reason why you can’t call up and ask if you can drop by. Of course I would phrase it in a way so as to not allow the other person the option of not letting me to come.
The answer, of course, is yes and no:
Yes, it’s OK if the friend is primarily your friend, i.e., a guy who has enough sense to say no if it’s not a good time for his wife.
No, it’s not OK if the friend is primarily Aileen’s friend.
Personally, coming from the Midwest (Indiana), I’ve always enjoyed just “dropping in” on people and having them “drop in” on me unannounced. We take this privacy thing way too seriously. If it’s not a good time, say so; otherwise, show some hospitality and perhaps entertain an angel or two.
BTW, did Abe invite the angels who came to visit him before wiping Sodom off the map? I don’t think so. They just showed up - and they’re not the sort of folk you’d want to tick off by telling them to go away because they didn’t RSVP.
What we need here is some sound biblical eisegesis on the doctrine of the invitation system. For our text, we shall turn to the book of Hebrews:
Hebrews 10:25 - “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
First, we note that we must take care not to give up meeting together. So it is apparent that meeting together is good and should be continued. And how should we meet? “all the more.” If the onus of invitational responsibility lies always on the hosting party it is unlikely that meetings will increase all the more. Tim is being faithful to this passage by increasing the “meetings together” twofold by both inviting others over and inviting himself over to the abodes of others. If we all followed such a practice, think how much we could increase our meetings together! And we must not forget to encourage one another. This could mean that we should encourage others to have us over to their place. So I think this system of inviting oneself is not only biblical, but inevitable as we see the day approaching!
I think it is okay with a close friend. My wife says it is always rude.
so….can I come over???
I too am going to have to side with Aileen. Asking yourself over to someone else’s place is, for most people, probably a little rude. There are of course some exceptions, but as a general rule, people feel obligated to say yes when you ask it which makes it a little awkward for them to say “no you can’t come over.” Chalk it up to the spinelessness of our times or whatever…but I think it’s an imposition on the others.
Hey,
I think that it is fine and I’d like it if you invited yourself over to my house. However, I suppose that not everyone thinks like that. Do you know how your friends would react? You probably don’t want them to think you are being rude.
Plus… you don’t want to embarass your wife.
Best bet is just to invite them to your house, a neutral location or maybe give them some sort of option: “Hey, we were just talking and wanted to get together with you guys some time, maybe we could have lunch at one of our houses - whatever would work best for you.”
-mike
Tim, my wife and I have a fairly small house and two young children. It is easy for us to entertain one, or even two, couples at our house. But it is difficult for us to entertain a family with children.
As a result, we have invited ourselves over to others’ houses. But we do it this way: “We’d like to spend time getting to know you better, but it would be difficult to have you over to our house. Could we bring lunch or dinner over to your house sometime?”
Between leaving the date open, and offering to bring a meal, both of us feel comfortable doing this.
Tim,
I would say that people OUGHT to invite themselves over to other peoples houses more often. Those who see this to be rude find their objection in the fact that if someone can’t or doesn’t want to have you over, they don’t feel free to decline. However, if more people took up the habit of inviting themselves over, it would cultivate a culture where ulterior motives for having or not having people over would be gone. The more people invite themselves over, the more free you are to be simply honost with declining them, and the less offended the people inviting them over are.
We have people inviting themselves over often, and we usually are excited to have them. If for some reason it is inconvenient, or would be too much of a burden, we feel free postponing it. No pressure. This may be a little idealistic, but it would be an great attitude having in Christian homes.
I’m a single mom with 2 teenagers (but there are as many as 5 or 6 that call me “Mom”). I work full time and go to college half time. Somebody else’s house is an escape!
If I ask myself over, generally the folks know my situation. Plus, I always offer to stop and get pizza and soda.
Offering to bring food seems to make a huge difference!
OK, you all need to go pick up a book called “Making Room for Life” by Randy Frazee.
It discusses this very thing, expecially as it relates to American culture. It’s a fascinating read, even if you don’tagree with everything in it.
Tim,
I think that if you have a long standing, intimate friendship with another couple and you know that they are not afraid to say, “that doesn’t work for us” then there MIGHT be a time when it is OK to invite oneself. Generally, though, it is not a good idea, most especially if you have not extended an invitation to them and welcomed them to your own home.
If your home is not conducive to entertaining, for whatever reason, you can always meet at a restaurant for an evening.
And regardless of whatever is deemed proper, I think it is always a good idea to be sensitive to the fact that this makes your wife uncomfortable. Follow her lead in this.
I think someone pointed out earlier that it depends upon the culture you live in or were brought up in. Having been born and raised in the American south, I can say this would be considered, at least a tad too forward if not rude by most of that background. However, it other settings it may be perfectly alright.
Why not just invite them to your house? Perhaps if you present that as the alternative, your wife might not be so opposed! :-)
Yeah it’s rude. The only way it’s justifiable is if you’re an elder and it’s part of your weekly rounds…and even then it’s better to invite them over to your place.
I put myself in that position, someone inviting themselves over and that means (depending on how much warning) a ton of cleaning, keeping the kids on a narrow line of mess area, and the fearful expectation of what to cook or order in.
I’m hispanic and the only time that sort of thing is marginally allowed is a) with family and b) they’re the ones bringing the food. But marginally.
Your wife knows nothing about Faux Pas. She needs a few lessons in awkwardness to see that this is nothing :)
Tim -
I guess I think it’s rude. Of course, this is the way that I met my best freind. However, that WAS when I was in 2nd grade, and I really just wanted to see his GI Joe collection. One Sunday morning, I asked his dad if I could come over and spend the day because my freind Matt wanted me to (Matt didn’t know anything about it actually).
So, it might have been rude, but I got to see his GI Joes and we were best freinds thereafter.
I have a VERY close freind that invites himself over all the time. We actually enjoy that, although since we have small children and they do not, it works out very well.
Culturally your wife is right, outside of individualistic America I think most of the world would side with you.
Hey TIm.
I usually do this in the exact opposite way, I’ll invite someone over to my house, then they flip it over and just ask me to bring something with me to theirs. Maybe it’s because I’m a single guy, but I find that when I try to invite folks over, I often end up at their place instead.
Warren
When I was growing up, we often had people over uninvited. I think this was because my parents came across as open and receptive. Too many christians today want to keep their social life completely separate from their church friends.
So depending upon the person, you may need to phrase your request appropriately. Of course if you don’t take the first step, you may never be invited over.
There is no absolute answer, but rather you must have a sensitivity to the individual person.
So a blogpost about a faux pas gets more comments than the other posts?
I’m with Aileen. It’s rude to invite yourself over. The best thing to do if you want to get together with someone is to ask, “Would you like to get together sometime soon?” In other words, leave it neutral as to WHERE you meet. If the answer from the other party is yes, then start working out the particulars.
Romans 12 tells us to practice hospitality—and I believe we should ALWAYS be quicker to invite others to our home than to invite ourselves over to others’ homes.
I was raised that it was rude to invite yourself over. And, since I was raised in a bi-cultural home, I know this is not just an American thing.
Some of this depends on the relationship. Within our family, we invite ourselves over all the time, with the understanding that family members are free to say no. We don’t even bother with politely worded self-invitations. (“Are you up for a home invasion?” “Is your bed and breakfast available?” “Can we be party crashers?”) What’s wonderful is that we have some family members who are always welcome in our home, because it is less work when they are here. They bring food, do laundry, pull weeds, wash windows —- the ideal guests!
But if someone outside of the family invited themselves over, even if they offered to wash dishes, I’d think they were a bit pushy.
My land, Tim.
Just call first so you know we are here!
Come when you will!!
(Except for today which is my day off and why it took me so long to comment…)
(Oh, and bring Aileen and the kids, too!!)
I will have to side with Tim.
If we go around worrying that someone can’t politely refuse and invite, whether to your house or theirs, we will never get past the 4-way stop sign at the end of the block for fear that we will be rude.
I would suggest you make the comment that you have some of their favorite (Insert their favorite food here) with you and you would love to share it with them… If they look uneasy, suggest right away about an alternate meeting time.
It’s not rude… Maybe forward, but not rude.
Rude is inviting yourself over and then once you get there farting really loud in front of everyone, then commenting, “Whew, I had to get that one out”. THAT is rude…
I don’t know if anyone is commenting on this anymore but anyways, brother, I think that a really good idea when you invite yourself over to someone elses house, as we sometimes do ourselves, is just to say that you’ll bring dinner or something like that. We have some friends who we know it is just more convenient at this time for us to go over there as they just had a baby, etc so we just offer to bring dinner or make something there and then it is a treat for them in two ways…(A) they don’t have to get all ready and go out and (B) they don’t have to worry about food.
As long as it is a two way street and you guys are having people over as well, I think that it is an enduring quality to just ask yourself over for a future time and as Maryanne said, it is a complimentory thing as it shows you like the people, their company and their house.
I would say just make sure to offer to bring something if it is over a meal in order to relieve any pressure they may feel which would most likely be about having to make food.
It is sad that in this day in age, most people just never have people over because they use the excuse that the house isn’t clean enough or something and therefore, it is always about going out to a restaurant to entertain or just no entertaining at all.
Anyhow, I guess I’ve said enough but also just remember that as long as these people who have had you in are not avoiding you guys or anything, they most likely have NO problem with your actions!
Tim, I have found in life that most people are not interested in getting to know most people. When somebody does have a particular interest in me, I take that as being of the Lord. If they want to come and visit our home in order to get to know us, I feel I am doing God’s work in graciously serving them.
Aileen’s correct. You’re rude.
If she can write a valid deductive syllogism using Scriptural assertions/deductions that shows that inviting oneself to someone else’s house is always rude, then you’re rude.
If you can write a valid deductive syllogism from Scriptural assertions/deductions that shows that inviting oneself to someone else’s house is never rude, then she’s wrong.
There may be a case where Jesus invited himself to someone’s house, perhaps Matthew or Peter’s mother-in-law?
“Hey, we’re coming over next Sunday for lunch” = Rude.
“Hey, we’ve got some steaks that need to be cooked and thought we would bring them over next Sunday for lunch” = OK
I thought it was interesting to learn that in Germany it’s OK to ask your guests to leave. When I was stationed over there I visited in a couple of homes and when the conversation lagged and the evening seemed to be coming to an end, the host said, “Well, I believe the evenings over so I’ll ask you to leave now.” Most Americans are uncomfortable with this. We usually hope our guests have enough etiquette to know when to leave.
Just so you know…. if I ever get a load into Canada, I’m coming over! I’ll bring the steaks. :)
“if I ever get a load into Canada, I’m coming over! I’ll bring the steaks. :)”
Or Buffalo. In which case we’ll just go out for wings. :)
Aileen is the winner. Sorry bloke, but if you invited yourself over, it can really be viewed as an inconvenience.
But on the flipside, some folks feel invited to situation by virtue of their nature. I had friends who I would visit one on one any day of the week without calling first, but when it came to an event they were hosting, where food and actual comfortable living space was limited, I would wait to get invited.
Yes, that means I never really got out.
BUT there is a remarkable way of hinting at an invitation… something along the lines of, “Ya know, we should get together sometime - I only see you at work, etc.” That card is usually followed up by a ‘What are you doing next week?’ or a ‘How about you come over later today?’
It’s a way of letting someone know you want to spend time with them without making them feel like you just want to sit on their couch and watch their TV.