The Prosperity Gospel
Canada’s
The National Post featured an article this weekend on the prosperity gospel.
Themelios 34.3
The Gospel Coalition just announced the release of the latest edition of
Themelios. It’s mostly for smart people but there are some things there for the rest of us as well.
Rick Mercer’s Sleepover with Stephen Harper
This is something you probably wouldn’t ever see in the US—a journalist enjoying a sleepover at the Prime Minister’s house (or President’s house as the case may be). This is a pretty good example of the Canadian sense of humor in action.
The Murder of Madalyn Murry O’Hair
Phil Johnson linked to this rather interesting article which tells of the murder of Madalyn Murray O’Hair and her family.
Has Apple Blown Its Chance?
The tech-minded may enjoy this article in which Jim Jubak argues that Apple did not properly capitalize on the disaster that was Windows Vista. “If this is as good as it gets for Apple, the company has no one to blame but itself. The opportunity was there, and Apple didn’t exploit it as ruthlessly or as relentlessly as it needed to.”
Deal of the Day: Free Shipping
You can get free Shipping from Monergismbooks.com for orders over $30. Economy shipping only. Offer good through Friday November 20th at midnight. Apply coupon code - freeshipping1121- at check out.
Last week I posted a prayer by pastor Scotty Smith. Today it seemed like it would be good to post another one. This one stood out to me as one I needed to pray—a prayer about impossibilities. It is based on these words: “Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.’” (Luke 18:27)
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Merciful and mighty, Lord Jesus, how I need to wrestle with this hope this day. First of all, I want to thank you for the freedom the Scriptures give me to be honest about situations which are impossible to me. It’s so good to know that the gospel calls us to hope, not to hype… to believe, not to make believe… to intercession, not to presumption.
The disciples were vexed over a camel making it through the eye of a needle with greater ease than a rich man making it through the door into your kingdom. Sarah laughed at the thought of having a baby in her nineties. Mary was shocked at the thought of giving birth to you, as a virgin, and understandably so.
But because you did come to us, Jesus, in a most improbable, impossible-to-mere-man way, I am more inclined to say with Mary, “I am the Lord’s servant… may it be to me as you have said” (Luke 1:38). And because you did overcome death and evil through your resurrection, I am more ready to say with Paul, “this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead” (2 Cor. 1:9). And because “it is impossible for God to lie” (Heb. 6:18-19), I will flee today to take hold of the hope offered to me in the gospel—a firm and secure anchor for my soul, which is floating on a sea of seeming impossibilities.
Lord Jesus, I’m asking you to breathe new life into the hearts of some of my friends who are in the paralyzing lockdown of shame, guilt, contempt and utter despair. Bring your resurrection power to marriages of friends that are, at best on life support, and others that are about to be rolled into the morgue.
For my friends who have spent everything they have on a multitude of doctors and cures, but are not better at all, have mercy Jesus, have mercy, I ask. For me, Jesus, please give me the assurance that you really are at work in my life—freeing me from the idols of my heart for the passions of your heart and kingdom. Whatever is impossible with me, is more than possible with you. So very Amen, I pray, in your anchor-for-my-soul, Name.
A little while ago I read Warren Wiersbe’s book 50 People Every Christian Should Know. Just the other day I was tidying up my bookcases and noticed a toothpick sticking out of the book. I opened it to the page marked by the toothpick and found a quote I guess I must have been hoping to come back to. Turns out it’s a good one. It comes from a chapter devoted to Alexander Whyte. Here it is:
*****
The sales manager of a successful Christian publishing house tells me that pastors are not buying books. “Most of the books sold in Christian bookstores are sold to and read by women,” he said. If our pastors are not using their valuable time for study, what are they using it for? Perhaps Whyte had the answer: “We shroud our indolence under the pretext of a difficulty. The truth is, it is lack of real love for our work.”
Alexander Whyte loved books, and he read them to his dying day. The Puritans in general and Thomas Goodwin in particular were his main diet. But he also thrived on the mystics and the princes of the Scottish church, such as Samuel Rutherford. Whyte constantly ordered books for himself and his friends in the ministry. However, he cautioned young pastors against becoming book-buyers instead of book-readers. “Don’t hunger for books,” he wrote a minister friend. “Get a few of the very best, such as you already have, and read them and your own heart continually.” Whyte often contrasted two kinds of reading—“reading on a sofa and reading with a pencil in hand.” He urged students to keep notebooks and to make entries in an interleaved Bible for future reference. “No day without its line” was his motto. He wrote to Hubert Simpson: “for more than forty years, I think I can say, never a week, scarcely a day, has passed, that I have not entered some note or notes into my Bible: and, then, I never read a book without taking notes for preservation one way or another.”
This week’s sponsor of Free Stuff Fridays is Shepherd Press. Shepherd Press is a ministry dedicated to publishing solid, biblical books and material. They are likely best-known for publishing material by Ted Tripp (including Shepherding a Child’s Heart) but they also publish material by a variety of other authors. I have yet to find a Shepherd Press book that was not worth reading.
One of the more unique products they offer is a series of commentaries designed for children (titled Herein Is Love). These are written by Nancy Ganz and are based on Sunday School material she has taught for many years at Ottawa Reformed Presbyterian Church where her husband, Richard, serves as pastor. I have been to that church many times and count both Rich and Nancy as friends. In fact, I remember sitting in Nancy’s classes when I was just a boy.
Today Shepherd Press is offering as a prize five sets of these commentaries. Each of five winners will receive Genesis (in a brand new second edition), Exodus, Leviticus and Numbers.
D.A. Carson (who knows a thing or two about commentaries) says these volumes are “Interesting and very competent … a major contribution!” Here is an introduction to Genesis:
This book is truly wonderful. It has captured parents and children with creative, gripping, and beautiful portrayals of what truly happened in the beginning. The beginning books of the Bible are essential to our understanding of God’s redemptive story. The author of Herein Is Love creatively focuses our attention on the events that bring this story to life. The series has the richness of well-written literature and the depth of understanding inherent in a commentary. The result is a series of books whose details live and sing. They help parent and child understand the Christ-centered Word, and they are enjoyable reading for both. Your own faith will be strengthened while reading to your children, and your children will be encouraged, lesson by lesson, to believe in the Lord Jesus.
These books are an ideal addition for any library—personal, home or school. They are great for reading to your children and I’m willing to guarantee you will learn a few things yourself along the way.
Rules: You may only enter the draw once. Simply fill out your name and email address to enter the draw. As soon as the winners have been chosen, all names and addresses will be immediately and permanently erased. Winners will be notified by email. The giveaway closes Saturday at noon.
Enter here:
Women Fighting
Owen Strachan looks at women who fight and says “Femininity is a contested sphere nowadays, both literally and figuratively.”
Porn in Public
An article in the Washington Post deals with the phenomenon of public porn (or drive-by porn)—inadvertently seeing porn on another person’s portable device.
Christian Publishing
Allan Fisher, writing for Tabletalk Magazine, asks “Looking for things for which to thank the Lord this Thanksgiving? Start by asking this question: Where would my church be without Christian publishing companies?”
The Greatest Scot
STV is asking people to vote for the greatest Scot of all-time. Eric Liddell is in the running, as you might expect.
Today we begin another iteration of Reading Classics Together—a project which affords us the structure and accountability to read through some of the classics of the Christian faith. This time around we are reading John Murray’s Redemption Accomplished and Applied. The structure of the program is simple. We read one chapter per week and then come here to discuss it. Each week I will create a post like this one to introduce the topic and I will give just a brief summary and perhaps a few reflections. And then we can discuss what we’ve read.
If you’d like to join in, all you need to do is find a copy of the book and begin to read along.
Summary
Redemption Accomplished and Applied is a book about the atonement. Most people, when they think of the book, think of the second section which discusses the
ordo salutis—the order of salvation. But before Murray can get to the application of the atonement, he must first discuss its accomplishment. He does this in five chapters, the first of which is called “The Necessity of the Atonement.”
This week’s reading was dedicated to answering a simple question: was the atonement necessary? Murray actually asks several clarifying questions: “Why did God become man? Why, having become man, did he die? Why, having died, did he die the accursed death of the cross?” All of these, when put together, speak of necessity. Why was it necessary for Christ to die and was this the only way in which God could accomplish the redemption of his people?
Traditionally Christians have answered in one of two ways. Some have held to hypothetical necessity, a view which says that God could have forgiven sin and saved his people without atonement or satisfaction, but that this was the way he chose to do it. Others have held to consequent absolute necessity, a more traditionally Protestant understanding, which says that if atonement was to take place, it must happen in this way. Murray explains, “The word ‘consequent’ in this designation points to the fact that God’s will or decree to save any is of free and sovereign grace. To save lost men was not of absolute necessity but of the sovereign good pleasure of God. The terms ‘absolute necessity,’ however, indicate that God, having elected some to everlasting life out of his mere good pleasure, was under the necessity of accomplishing this purpose through the sacrifice of his own Son, a necessity arising from the perfections of his own nature.” So while it was not inherently necessary for God to save anyone, if he was to do so, because of his very nature, it had to happen this way.
The rest of the chapter is dedicated to providing five Scriptural proofs that this is the case. Murray shows 1) that there are passages which create a very strong presumption in favor of this inference; 2) that there are passages which definitely suggest that the only alternative to this way of atonement was perdition; 3) that there are passages which teach that the efficacy of Christ’s work is contingent upon the unique constitution of Christ’s person; 4) that the salvation of grace which we experience is a salvation that goes beyond forgiveness of sin but also to justification; 5) that the cross of Christ is the supreme demonstration of God’s love because of its supreme cost.
Having looked to these reasons Murray concludes, “we are constrained to conclude that the kind of necessity which the Scriptural considerations support is that which may be described as absolute or indispensable. … If we keep in view the gravity of sin and the exigencies arising from the holiness of God which must be met in salvation from it, then the doctrine of indispensable necessity makes Calvary intelligible to us and enhances the incomprehensible marvel of both Calvary itself and the sovereign purpose of love which Calvary fulfilled. The more we emphasize the inflexible demands of justice and holiness the more marvelous become the love of God and its provisions.”
Overall I enjoyed this chapter, though I was surprised at how difficult it was to read. I have read much older authors who were easier to understand than Murray! And though I did enjoy it, I find that I am primarily anticipating reading the second section of this book where we learn about Redemption Applied. Still, this chapter was very good and offered a useful defense of the Bible’s teaching that if we were to be saved, this was the only way.
Next Week
For next Thursday please read chapter two, “The Nature of the Atonement.”
Your Turn
The purpose of this program is to read classics
together. So if there are things that stood out to you in this chapter, if there are questions you had, this is the time and place to have your say. Feel free to post a comment below.
Christmas Music Roundup
CT has their annual roundup of this year’s Christmas music. At the top of their list is Downhere’s
How Many Kings?.
Walk Humbly
Mark Altrogge’s ninth Scripture memorization CD is now available. “Walk Humbly consists of 20 scriptures (including references) set word-for-word to contemporary music, and I don’t mean muzak…” You can download one free song at the link.
Daddy’s Home!
This video shows some unexpected reunions between children and their soldier fathers as they return home from deployment overseas.
Deal of the Day: MacArthur Study Bible
Grace Books International is offering the NAS version of the
MacArthur Study Bible at a 60% discount for a limited time.
This is now the third (and final!) entry in this short series written by my wife, Aileen. In the last article she talked about rejection and how it effects both wives and husbands. The day before that she dealt with sexual desire, pointing out some of the differences between men and women. Today the series concludes.
One thing I want to say. In this series she has been dealing predominantly with “average” marriages. It is impossible to write about sex and marriage and speak to everyone equally; there are always exceptions, always special cases, always difficulties. But do realize that in these articles, and today especially, she is writing mostly for “normal” people in “normal” circumstances. If your husband has a serious addiction to pornography or if there are other exceptional circumstances in your marriage, some of this may not apply or may apply very differently.
*****
by Aileen Challies
So far in this series we’ve come to the conclusion that as a wife you need to be willing to constantly examine your heart and your motives when it comes to sex. For some reason this is a real challenge for so many women. So many of us struggle to enjoy and express gratitude for what is meant to be a great gift from God. We express anger about this gift. We resent this gift. If God had left us a gift receipt for it, we’d take it back in an instant and trade it in for something better (like a good night’s sleep).
The challenge for you, as a wife, is not just to tolerate sex but to find real joy in it. The challenge is to find joy in the act itself—as a means of grace within your marriage, as a means of blessing your husband, as a means of knitting yourself ever-closer to him, as a means of bringing glory to God. It is not only something you can tolerate, but something you can delight in.
Statistics say that you, as a woman, very likely have less desire for sex than your husband does. Meanwhile your sexual desire is more deeply tied to your mind and emotions than is the case for him; his desire (like you haven’t figured this out) tends to be more physical in nature. He has the easy job of having his body speak to his mind; we’ve got it tough in having to make our minds talk to our bodies. So how then do you work on your mind and your heart so you do not just put up with sex but that you actually desire your husband?
In this brief article I want to give suggestions on how you can increase your desire for your husband. I’m hoping to offer some practical suggestions that help you enter the bedroom open, willing, joyful and even initiating physical intimacy with your husband. I’m not talking about techniques to help get you in the mood “in the moment,” but rather practices for all of life to help you align your heart to do what God wants you to do—to desire your husband and to enjoy his desire for you.
To write this article I made a bunch of awkward phone calls to my girlfriends to ask them how they deal with this. I asked them what things they do to find delight in their husbands and between the bunch of us we made up a list of practical ideas that may help you. Here they are:
Pray. First, and most importantly, pray. Don’t pray just before or during sex (though you may have to do so then, too) but pray as part of your day-to-day walk with the Lord that he would help you desire your husband and that he would help you serve and enjoy him in this way. Do you pray regularly for joy and freedom and fulfillment in sex? Do you pray the same for your husband? If not, you should!
Study. Look to the Bible to learn God’s will for sex. Know that he wants you to desire your husband, that he wants your husband to desire you, and that he wants both of you to enjoy sex. Don’t believe the lies that good girls can’t find great joy and satisfaction in sex. By regularly enjoying sex with your husband, you are doing exactly what God commands and you are bringing glory to him (Read Song of Solomon and see how the woman is not passive, but a woman who feels strong emotional and physical desire for her lover.). Form a theology of sex; believe it and live by it.
Remember. In the midst of all your responsibilities as a mother, it is sometimes difficult to remember that you married your husband, not your children. Biblically, he is your priority over your children. Obviously you cannot abandon your children and still have to be a mother to them. But do not lose site of your marriage amidst the busyness of motherhood.
Stop. Learn how to carve out time for your husband, not just to have sex with him but to find and enjoy common interests (television probably doesn’t count). So often with married couples the concerns of life begin to outpace the importance placed on the relationship. Everyday schedules and worries begin to take over until you forget to take time to enjoy your husband. No wonder, then, that you have trouble desiring him! If you are anxious, thinking about the needs of the kids, worrying about what to serve for dinner the next night, thinking about the laundry that needs to be done, or any of the other 10,000 things you need to do every day, all of this will negatively impact your willingness and ability to enjoy physical intimacy. So take time to be with him, to hang out, to cuddle, to just be together.
Tell. Spend time deliberately focusing on what is desirable about your husband. Write and leave notes about what you find desirable about him where he will find them (and where only he will find them). Email him during the day and let him know you are thinking about him in that way. Be coy, be fun, be alluring. Stewing about the fact that he didn’t put his towel in the hamper or take out the garbage hardly instills feelings of desire. Focus on the positive. Anticipation is wonderful for you and for him.
Initiate. Most men love it when their wives initiate. Instead of always waiting for him to make the first move, let him know you are interested even hours before bedtime—and remind him a few times. And even if you aren’t truly interested, act like you are. Let your mind take the lead and your body will catch up eventually.
Beautify. It’s hard to desire intimacy when you feel that you are frumpy or unattractive (or when you are deliberately making yourself frumpy or unattractive). Feeling beautiful helps you feel desirable and helps your husband desire you. Get rid of the sweats and stop hoarding his old t-shirts for your own use. Keep the floor-length flannel nightgowns for only the coldest nights.
Decorate. Make the master bedroom an attractive room in the house. You spend around one third of your life in your bedroom, so why not make it a pleasant place to be? Nice sheets, candles and lack of clutter can go a long way to encouraging a romantic atmosphere.
Delight. Be thankful that your husband desires you. This is good and right before God. Think about it: your husband wants you. Your husband wants you. Would you really be happier if he showed no interest at all? Of course not! So be grateful that God has given him a desire for you and be sure to thank God for it.
Schedule. This can be controversial, but it has its place. If you truly struggle to have sex regularly, it may be beneficial, at least for a season, to schedule sex. This may happen when you have young children or maybe when you are struggling in marriage. All I mean is that you may want to set aside certain nights of the week and make sure that you have sex on those nights. And on those days, do your part! Coming to him with willingness and joy is far better than making him beg and then rejecting him. Remember what we learned in the last article about setting up your husband (or yourself) to be tempted by sexual sin.
Here’s the rub. God calls you to love and serve and desire your husband. He created sex as a means of cementing (or supergluing!) the marriage relationship. God gives your husband sexual desire as a trigger to remind him to pursue you. God has provided you, the wife, as the one who can and should provide the fulfillment of that desire. And he provided the act of making love so that it becomes about far more than just the physical act. To reject any of this is to reject God’s perfect plan for marriage.
In all things remember that God is for you, that he is for godly marriages, that he is for the godly woman who is committed to loving her husband! When you seek Him you can have confidence in his help. Strive in all things, even in this, to bring glory to God.
*****
When forming these articles I re-read sections of three books that I thought would be good to share with you as additional resources. They are Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney, Becoming the Woman of His Dreams by Sharon Jaynes and Love that Lasts, by Gary and Betsy Ricucci. These books are beneficial not just for learning about physical intimacy, but also in helping with other areas of married life and Christian living.
Last Words
On the Texas Department of Justice website, you can read the last words of over 400 executed human beings. Morbid, perhaps, but an interesting look into what a person thinks as he looks death in the face.
The Guy Who Has Caught 3000 Balls
Here’s an amusing video of a guy who has caught 3,000 balls at major league baseball games.
The Poverty and Justice Bible
The deluge of Study Bibles shows no signs of letting up. The latest to store shelves is
The Poverty and Justice Bible. Oh boy…
Elder’s Meetings that Do Something
Jim Elliff offers some useful advice for organizing and managing elder’s meetings.
Deal of the Day: The Old Testament Explained and Applied
Evangelical Press is offering a 50% discount on this big reference volume. “This comprehensive study enables the reader to gain a clear understanding of the contents of each Old Testament book in order that the overall plan and purpose of God might be perceived. The author explains each book, drawing out its Christology and applying its message to today’s reader. Numerous diagrams and maps are used throughout. His fresh innovative approach encourages the study of God’s Word in the Old Testament.”
This short series, guest authored by my wife Aileen, began yesterday with False Messages I: What He Really Wants. Today Aileen picks up where she left off.
*****
by Aileen Challies
When you thought about getting married and when you anticipated having sex with your husband, did you ever think about how often you’d be saying “no” to him? I know of a few women who decided before they married that they would never refuse their husbands and who have, admirably, stuck to their promise. For the rest of us, though, “no” is is a word we use far more than we ever would have thought possible (or desirable). Maybe we say “no” with our words, whether kind or gracious; maybe we say “no” with our attitudes or body language; maybe we say it with our wardrobe or simply by going to bed long before he is tired. We grow adept at finding new and creative ways of refusing sex.
We are not completely comfortable with rejecting him but at the same time, he wants so much! Can’t he see that I’m too tired? Can’t he see that I’m just not in the mood? Can’t he back off just for tonight (and maybe tomorrow night…and the night after that…)?
Yesterday we touched on what sex means to your husband and its importance in married life. Today I want to focus on an area in which many women harm their husbands. I want to talk about how a wife is to respond to her husband’s advances. How does the Bible want her to view sex? Is she never to reject him? Is she called always to have sex when he is in the mood? What does God want from us in all of this?
You are probably familiar with these words from 1 Corinthians 7: “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” According to this passage, under what circumstances are you allowed to stop having sex? By mutual agreement, for a limited time and to devote yourselves to prayer. (This is why you always say “no,” right? Because you want to pray? “Not tonight, honey, I think we need to pray…”) Take out the exception clause and it reads as a straightforward command: “Do not deprive one another…so that Satan may not tempt you.”
As I understand it, this command does not necessarily speak to saying “no” to sex tonight; it refers to rejection. Let’s draw a line between these two things. The inability to have sex tonight is not the same as actually depriving him (perhaps you are feeling sick or you actually do have a bad headache or you’re just absolutely worn out in every way). You can turn him down for noble reasons and he will survive until tomorrow. But what may be sin in your heart and what may tempt him to sin is your rejection. You can say “no” without rejecting him. But do you? Today let’s talk about rejection and see what rejection does to you and what it does to your husband.
Rejection and Your Heart
Humans are selfish at heart; wives are selfish at heart. Though we know that God calls us to esteem others higher than ourselves, though we know that he calls us to love our husbands more than we love ourselves, we naturally tend toward self-love. Often we love ourselves more than our own husbands. Often rejection is not a reflection of our bodies or our lives, but of our hearts.
What happens to our hearts when we continually reject our husbands and do so out of selfishness? I believe the answer is that we grow bitter, increasingly hardened toward our husbands. I recently spoke with several friends about our reactions when we tell our husbands “no.” The overwhelming agreement was that we feel guilty and then, from that guilt comes anger. We grow angry at him for placing us in this situation in which we end up feeling guilty. The conversation in our heads goes something like this. “I should be having sex with him tonight. But I don’t want to have sex with him tonight. He should see that I’m too tired. It is his fault for asking. How dare he!” Instead of putting him first, we look first to ourselves and justify our sin by placing blame on him. If we do not deal properly with this heart sin, it grows and bitterness develops. While there are certainly valid reasons for not wanting to have sex or not being able to have sex on a particular night, like so much sin, it often comes down to attitude and selfishness. You are called to serve your husband as he is called to serve you. That calling extends beyond making sure he has clean underwear and a good meal every night (and, in fact, I’m guessing most men would forgo the clean underwear and the meal if it meant they could have regular joyful sex with you).
Angry rejection is not a sign of a heart that is joyfully engaged with their husband. Neither is mere placid participation. A heart that is engaged and willing to serve will find joy in that service if not the act itself. One flows into the other. Regular, joyful sex is for you too! It allows you to connect on the most intimate level with your husband, just as God intended. Your marriage need this connection if it is going to stay strong.
Rejection and His Heart
Women are often said to be the more complex sex—we are more difficult to understand, we have more hidden nuances. However, when it comes to sex, the male psyche is far more difficult to understand (though men would probably beg to differ). In a woman’s mind, we don’t feel like having sex simply because we don’t feel like having sex. Therefore, we say “No, not tonight.” And most of us could be happy going weeks or months like this (and especially when we’ve got little kids hanging off us for years at a time). But the rejection that the male feels in such refusals is far deeper and far more reaching then we imagine. We have not just rejected sex; we have rejected him.
Sin has deeply marred our perception of sex and, as we’ve seen, we tend to believe that it is the physical release men seek rather than the emotional and spiritual connection they experience when making love to their wives. But the truth is, your husband sees sex as a means to show his love for you and in rejecting that act, you are hampering his ability to express his love for you. In his mind you are rejecting not the act, but him and his love. This, more than any other, is an area in which your husband is vulnerable to being deeply hurt. God has given you a huge amount of power over your husband’s perception of his manhood. You can make him feel like a sexual superstar or a complete loser without ever leaving your bed. By rejecting sex, you are rejecting his manhood. It’s not that you can never say “No honey, not tonight” to your husband, but that you need to be careful in how you respond. As always, the heart is the heart of the matter.
In her book Becoming the Woman of his Dreams, Sharon Jaynes says that one thing she learned through all of her interviews and surveys is that men are surprisingly fragile when it comes to their sexuality. They may act all big and macho but they are actually very weak in this way, very vulnerable to rejection. So here is a question for you: how often are you acting from pure motives when you refuse your husband? And even if you are not being sinful in motive, are you perhaps being sinful in the way you refuse? Do you maybe even get a bit of sick joy from spurning his advances? Sex is a wonderful opportunity to give back to your husband, to accept his love, to show your love for him. Why, then, are you sometimes (often? all the time?) so quick to turn it down?
Take a look at two scenarios Jaynes offers in her book. In the first, hubby comes slinking into the bathroom as you are putting the finishing touches on your 15 minute face cleansing and moisturizing regiment. He runs his hand down your back and grins. You know exactly what he has in mind. “Not now!” you snap. “I’ve had a hard day and that is the last thing on my mind!” End of story. In the second, hubby comes slinking into the bathroom as you are putting the finishing touches on that same cleansing and moisturizing regiment. He runs his hand down your back and grins. “Now that’s a nice idea,” you reply. “I’ll tell you what, I’ve had an extremely tiring day today, but if you hold that thought until tomorrow, I’ll make it worth your while.” This story has just begun!
I love these examples. See, in both cases hubby is disappointed, but in only one is he dejected! In one scenario he is rejected, in the other he is simply asked to wait. A man who feels he is begging or asking his wife for a favor feels humiliated. He knows that begging costs him his masculinity. In one scenario the wife protects her husband’s heart; in the other scenario she abuses it. And there is a great danger in this.
Let’s go back for a second to 1 Corinthians 7 and make it a little bit more personal, seeing what can happen when you reject your husband: “Do not deprive your husband…so that Satan may not tempt him.” Have you ever thought about it this way before? Could you actually be setting up your husband to experience temptation to sin by rejecting him and refusing to have sex with him on a regular basis? Could you in some way be contributing to his sin? Coming at the end of Tim’s Sexual Detox articles, ones that focused so heavily on men and pornography, this may sound like a justification for these acts. Of course this is not my intention at all and no man ever has justification to turn to pornography or self-pleasure. However, I think it is wise to remember as with everything, when there is sin in one aspect of a relationship, it often spills over into other areas of that relationship. A wife’s rejection may actually leave her husband more vulnerable to sexual sin. While the rejection is not the cause of the subsequent sin it may be the catalyst.
Men can end up acting out through pornography or masturbation because of shame, humiliation or rejection. This is not to say that the sin of pornography is always a result of this. But is wise to remember that a denial of God’s commands in marriage can only have negative results. In a perfect world, in a perfect relationship, a woman would never say “no” to her husband and a husband would never ask when his wife is not desirous. Of course in that perfect world a woman would also never be up all night with a sick baby! In the real world, though, a woman often ends up rejecting her husband, not knowing just how deep this cuts.
Men, when they feel like men, make better men! They lead better, they work better and yes, they serve their wives better. Feeling like a man includes having a joyful, willing wife. If we are to be truly good wives to our husbands, we need to serve them in all areas, building them up as men. Sex is an important part of that—passionate, joyful, willing sex. Our hearts and attitudes need to be pure. We need to have regular sex with our husbands and always we need to be careful that we are not tearing them down with our rejection.
Conclusion
A pattern of rejection is dangerous to a marriage. It gives the wife a great deal of power over her husband’s heart—a power that she may wield wrongly. Rejection by the wife leads to feelings of inadequacy, bitterness and temptation in the husband. This may then lead him to be less loving, to lead him to struggle in his role as a husband. This in turn leads the wife to reject him more as she desires him less as she sees him as not loving her as she wants. Remember by rejecting sex, she is rejecting him, rejecting his heart. Meanwhile the wife may grow bitter as her rejection causes her to wrestle with guilt and to push the blame for this guilt upon her husband and his desires. The ugly cycle of sin continues.
It is God’s design for marriage that sex displays total love love and acceptance. Therefore a wife ought to be eager to accept her husband’s advances and a husband ought to be eager to accept the body and soul of his wife as they are united as one. It is Satan’s design for marriage that sex, instead of being all about acceptance, should be all about rejection. Whose team are you playing on?
This series will conclude tomorrow on what is hopefully a practical note. Tim and I are glad to get feedback and to have opportunity to learn from you and to hear from you (anonymously if you prefer). You can contact us using the contact form. I will be receiving and reading any of the emails from women.
