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The Death of the Grown-Up
- 12/18/07
- 15
Where have all the grown-ups gone? It’s a question that has perplexed me. Why is it that young people these days seem unwilling, or perhaps unable, to grow up? What is so attractive about youth, about perpetual adolescence, that is so attractive? My wife and I have discussed these things at length, trying to understand why so many of the young people we know (young people who are really not so young anymore) seem stuck. They are working on second or third college degrees; they are living at home with mom and dad, even into their thirties; they are looking at marriage only in their late twenties or early thirties. What is happening? When I was young I could hardly wait to pass through my teenage years so I could live life as an adult and in so doing I think I followed generations before me. What has happened since?
Diana West has asked the same questions and The Death of the Grown-Up is her attempt at an answer. A book that has generated no small response, it concludes that America is suffering from a case of arrested development and that this will, this must, bring down Western civilization. This is no small claim. Neither is it a popular one (as evidenced by a near 50/50 split in Amazon reviews between 1-star and 5-star reviews). But it is one West manages to legitimize.
It seems that one of the driving forces behind the death of the grown-up was the rise of the teenager. Before the 1940’s, the term teenager was unknown; before this period humans tended to fall into only two groups—children and adults. Exactly when a child transitioned to adult could vary, but what was clear was that there was no intermediate period. Furthermore, children, or those in their teen years, would seek to identify with adult culture—they would seek to behave like adults, to dress like adults, and to be taken seriously like adults. Today the tables have turned. “That was then. These days, of course, father and son dress more or less alike, from message-emblazoned t-shirts to chunky athletic shoes, both equally at ease in the baggy rumple of eternal summer camp. In the mature male, these trappings of adolescence have become more than a matter of comfort or style; they reveal a state of mind, a reflection of a personality that hasn’t fully developed, and doesn’t want to - or worse, doesn’t know how.”
It is teenagers who are respected and teenagers who are envied. Adults now seek to recapture youth and to return to their teen years. They dress like teens, think like teens and increasingly act like teens. This intermediate period between childhood and adulthood, this recent development, is being continually extended. Some organizations today go so far as to suggest that adolescence continues until age thirty. Some go further and suggest thirty-four. Thus a thirty-three year old man or woman should not truly be considered an adult. Any other generation would laugh at the mere suggestion.
After the idea of adolesence became popular, it took only a generation before popular culture, and particularly the medium of television, began to portray age as “square” and youth as “hip.” The dignity of age was replaced with disgust. Where children used to orbit around their parents, today the opposite is true. Parents orbit around their children, “abdicating their rights and privileges by deferring to the convenience and entertainment of the young.” No wonder, then, that people wish to avoid adulthood.
There are consequences to our disregard for maturity. “Even as age has been eliminated from the aging process, they have a hunch that society has stamped out more than gray hair, smile lines, and cellulite. What has also disappeared is an appreciation for what goes along with maturity: forebearance and honor, patience and responsibility, perspective and wisdom, sobriety, decorum, and manners—and the wisdom to know what is ‘appropriate,’ and when.”
Having laid a foundation for the death of the grown-up, West surveys a variety of topics, showing how they are contributing to the downfall of society or how they played a role in the rise of the adolescent. She looks to popular music and entertainment, to parents who need parents, and to a society that values excess rather than control. And then the book takes an unexpected turn. As she moves from the past to the future, West suggests why this matters so much; she turns to the consequences of the death of adulthood and the death of maturity. Focusing on the ideas of multiculturalism and political correctness, cultural forces she believes could only be accepted by an immature society that is willing to pretend that differences are non-existent and unimportant, she suggests that these leave us entirely unequipped to deal with the forces seeking to destroy us. And here she points primary to Islam and to terrorism. She writes about how our immature thinking leaves us unable to grapple with the reality of what we are facing in global Islam. Our society sits passively by, anaesthetized with movies, music, television and video games, while Islam plants deeper and deeper roots within.
The Death of the Grown-Up is a compelling book. While it is certainly not the only book examining the growth of adolescence, it is perhaps the most far-reaching and the most courageous in its analysis of where this will and must lead. If West is correct, our society needs to grow up and needs to do so before it is too late. Yet whether or not you find you agree with her prescription, only a person blind to the culture could disagree with her initial analysis. And on this basis alone this book is worth reading and enjoying. I recommend it to anyone with an interest in understanding the culture we find ourselves in.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (15)
Thanks for the review. It’s mind-boggling that many would say I’ve only been an adult for a year or so. I hope my children don’t find out!
The simple answer is that growing up is hard. We, especially in “have it your way” America, don’t want to do what’s hard. The irony is; after you have taken responsibility and made some of those first difficult decisions, things actually get easier. Nice post.
I haven’t read this book, but intend to soon. This cultural lack of maturity is something I have observed for a number of years, and thought maybe I was an odd duck because no one else seemed to notice. A few years ago, several teenagers in our area died in a car crash caused by excessive speed. I am still amazed at the number of adults who, while saddened over the deaths, did not express any remorse over similar behavior that they had engaged in during their youth. The statement of “Yeah, I drove my car 90 mph when I was a teen” was almost never followed by any statement of the foolishness of that type of behavior as seen through the window of maturity. The majority of people in our church who express an enthusiastic desire for an electric guitar backed rock-type praise band for worship services are the 45-55 aged crowd, who wish to appear hip and “with it”. I recently had a conversation with several 50ish professional women that mostly centered around their drinking exploits in college, again lacking the mature view of the foolishness of the behavior, but in the vein of one-upmanship. (“Oh, boy, this one time, I got so drunk….”). My college age children notice many of their friend’s parents refusal to grow up, too, but they seem to certainly be in the minority in their observations. My wish is that the younger generations will try terribly hard not to be like their parents, and will perhaps pass them in maturity levels at a young age. One can only hope….
Thanks for an awesome review Tim. As a 25 year old, I take a lot of what this book has to say. I WANT to grown up, yet I can see there’s a war going on inside me that to stay a kid. It’s a tough fight, but I want to win it.
Adolescence actually began at the turn of the century in the US when they extended school to 12 grades, because certain people in education thought children were being pushed in the real world too soon. A few decades later, college started to become a right of passage. And with the rise of mass media, it didn’t take long for them to realize that the ideal target market was the teenager, especially as the culture started shifting faster and more of a disconnect began. In a pop culture where job functions change every day, it’s hard to keep up.
After reading the article, I’m not sure when exactly defines a ‘grown-up.’ Learning to be less selfish would be one trait, more secure in oneself, and a desire to face oneself and grow. Sadly, far too many adults stop growing and just get comfortable with being stuck. Then we get handed formulas on how to live life rather than growing and making decisions. The problems within our current culture are systematic, and it’s about more than the concept of growing up.
At 19, and while in college, I started working full time in my career field. I graduated college at 21. I purchased a house and got married at 22. Through all of this I had “men” (30-40 years old) telling me that I was crazy, and that I shouldn’t “waste my youth” be “settling down” I am only 23, and I just don’t understand our cultures fascination with youth. It pains me to see mothers dressing like their 13 year old daughters and fathers fascinated with children’s toys.
It pains me to see mothers dressing like their 13 year old daughters and fathers fascinated with children’s toys.
An old friend has a great line for women who dress like children. “Mutton dressed as lamb” he mutters under his breath in a thick, Irish accent…
Good article. Now all we need is some guidance.
What do you do if you find yourself 17-30 and woefully adolescent? Where does one begin change and maturity?
I’ve noticed this a lot recently in the American Christian blogosphere circles I lurk in and I can’t help thinking it’s a cultural issue. Adulthood as such has been defined by different generations in very different ways. And maybe it’s not simply a case of various rites of passage.
In my case I face various prospects. I can move out and start a job. I might pursue a P. hD for 4 years which will be expensive. My family will support me should I pursue this when my ability to support myself is taxed to its limit. Is there something wrong with that?
Different stages of life involve different connections. Different cultures place different values on family and the degree to which involvement is acceptable. Would a person’s parents be any less of an adult simply because their children contributed to the upkeep of their house in old age or contributed to the costs of a nurse/nursing home?
I’m not arguing that dependence is a good thing or that people shouldn’t move away from home but I definitely have an issue with what I percieve to be a certain patronising tone in some of the blogging/analysis on the issue. I might have my own Quarter Life Crisis but that doesn’t mean I or anyone else in a similar position is immature, deserving of pity or less worthy of respect.
The cultural obscession with youth is definitely a disturbing trend though
>>>fathers fascinated with children’s toys.
When the doctors placed each of my two sons in my arms for the very first time, the first thing I said to them was, “Son, I’m raising you to leave home.” I doubt that either of my boys remember that but they’ve been reminded of it enough through the years.I believe the choices young adults face when entering college contribute to their holding pattern. My oldest son, 21, is in college and pursuing a degree but he can’t tell you what the degree will enable him to do. You can go to college and get a degree in Egyptian Hieroglyphics but you’ll have a hard time finding a job with that degree. Most parents aren’t prepared to offer any advise or counseling when it comes to this.I have a 26 year old guy in Truck Driving school right now who has two college degrees. He found out that he couldn’t make any more money with his degrees than he was making in high school working at McDonalds. Now he’s pursuing a career as a truck driver.Isn’t it funny that you can go to college for four years and come out with a BA or a BS that won’t help you find a job making $10.00 an hour but you can go to college for 8 weeks to become a phlebotomist and start work at $13.00 an hour. It’s crazy. I’m glad I’m not 19.
Here’s something to think about: I’m pregnant, and at my age, the risk of miscarriage and complications is fairly high. My doctor elaborated, “Now I’m not advocating girls have babies at 16, but from a physiological standpoint, the body is most equipped to support a pregnancy at that age.”
Don’t get me wrong, this is a radical thought for me, but it at least made me question, is there maybe a link between God’s design of our bodies and his intention for maturity at that time?
In other words, we might be shocked at how the bar for “grown-up” has risen in the past several years, but maybe even our “traditional” definition is protracted.
This is a very interesting book. I really want to pick it up. As a youth worker, I find some of the challenges very real, but this mindset of staying young forever does limit the youth workers’ ability to speak into the lives of Youth. I am keenly aware that my “vocation” arose from the adolescence movement, yet I think it is a dual role. It responds to this emerging movement of extending the period, but it also (Should) speak maturity in to lives of youth to avoid this extension of childhood.
Thanks Tim.
I started reading the book last week, and I have yet to finish it. But thus far I find it convicting. She’s right, the problem is huge and so pervassive. People have seen the problem, but because it is so immense they have thrown up their arms. I hope the book gets a very wide reading and some momentum can be generated.
( smile) I can’t help thinking of the old Disney version of “Peter Pan”. Peter is teaching the Lost Boys that growing up is awful and they sing a chorus containing this refrain:
We won’t grow up!——We won’t grow upWe will never grow a day——We will never grow a day
And if someone tries to make it——And if someone tries to make itWe will simply run away——We will simply run away
The answer is not complicated in my opinion; rebellion.
Three of my four children still live at home, their ages span from 19 to 25 (all daughters). They are mature adults, working on careers and college. I don’t think simply living in your childhood home is a good measure of grown-upness. It is almost economic necessity; living where we do is very expensive, mostly minimum wage jobs are available which will *not* pay.
The sadness I have for my own kids is that they are encountering such difficulty finding potential life-partners. They are continually disappointed by the lack of maturity in their peers.