In honor of their tenth anniversary, Amazon has released a list of their 25 all-time best-selling authors. Here, for your reading pleasure, is that list along with some obnoxious commentary.
- J.K. Rowling - She writes something about a wizard kid and is richer than the queen. Can’t say I’ve ever read any of her books. Can’t say I ever will.
- Spencer Johnson - Had never heard of him until last Sunday when someone in my church told me I had to read his book about cheese. So far I haven’t read it. Probably never will. Though I do love cheese. Especially a good medium cheddar.
- Nora Roberts - I thought she was a singer. Oh wait, that’s Nora Jones. Don’t know this one.
- Dan Brown - Haven’t read his book either. Rumor has it it’s great fiction, but utterly blasphemous. I’ll pass.
- Dr. Seuss - I’ve heard of him and while I’ve read a few of his books, I never really understood the fascination.
- John Grisham - Read a couple of his books in the past and watched a couple of the movies. He’s alright.
- Stephen King - Tried reading one of his books once. Felt guilty so threw it away.
- J.R.R. Tolkien - I’ve The Lord of the Rings more times than I care to admit. And The Hobbit too. Tolkien is often imitated but never duplicated.
- Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins - I read half of the first book. It’s just bad fiction. And even worse theology.
- Jim Collins - Isn’t this guy the drummer from Exodus? Or Genesis? Maybe not. Never heard of him.
- Phil McGraw - Don’t get me started on Pastor/Guru Phil and his all-female following.
- Robert Atkins - Not around to enjoy all those royalties.
- C.S. Lewis - I have read surprisingly little C.S. Lewis. But I do intend to watch the movies. I wonder who benefits from all Lewis’ royalties.
- Mitch Albom - Mitch who?
- Ken Blanchard - Hey, I know this guy! He’s Rick Warren’s pseudo-Christian buddy! He’s one of those Christian New Age guys.
- James Patterson - He has sold $1 billion in books and I’ve never read any of them. I don’t intend to remedy that.
- Stephen R. Covey - I had to sit through far too many presentations of his Mormon silliness when I was in the workforce. Never again.
- Mary Pope Osborne - Don’t know who she is, but she looks like Meryll Streep
- Marcus Buckingham - I don’t have any employees, so have no need of an expert on employee productivity.
- Lemony Snicket - Say what?
- John C. Maxwell - Another pseudo-Christian who wants to teach you to run your church like a corporation.
- Janet Evanovich - Didn’t Julia Roberts play her in a movie a few years ago?
- Robert T. Kiyosaki - Don’t know him from Adam.
- Arthur Agatson - Nor him. Looks like another fad-diet dude.
- Tom Clancy - Used to read all his books, but gave up a few years ago. The Hunt For Red October is still his best, and it’s almost as old as he is. It was also the best of the movies, despite Sean Connery’s painful accent. And Alec Baldwin.