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I Looked For Love In Your Eyes
- 12/18/10
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A few days ago I received an email from a reader of this site, a woman who was responding to some of the articles I’ve written on the subject of pornography. She shared a poem, a bit of free verse she had written in the midst of her husband’s addiction. I wish I could say it was the only email I’ve received from such a woman. Sadly it’s not; not by a long shot. That same day I received another email from another woman looking for resources for dealing with the wife’s response to a husband’s sin (rather a gap in the available literature right now, I think).
Anyway, I thought I would share this poem. It’s a little bit graphic, but only so far as it needs to be. I think it’s particularly heartbreaking in drawing out the clear connection between pornography and violence. And it’s just a realistic look at how so many men are damaging and destroying their wives and families. It’s reality.
So here it is, “I Looked For Love in Your Eyes.”
I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.
Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.
Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.
Who am I that you cannot make love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.
Where are you?
Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making hate to someone else
Instead of making love to me?
I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…people like me
Tortured, humiliated, hated, used
Discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?
Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?
If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling.
Hands bound, mouth gagged.
Fisheye photo, contorting reality
Distorting the woman into exaggerated breasts.
The haunted eyes, windows of a tormented soul
Warped by the lens into the background,
Because souls don’t matter, only bodies do
To men who consume them.
Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual torture
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me.
An image burned into their brains.
Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?
I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of hatred
And come out of your locked room to love?
You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When hatred rules in your heart.
Your cruelty has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your rage?
That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.
I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.
Was it worth it?
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (79)
Thanks for this Phoebe. I have never had counseling because I chose to try to forget about the past. But I’m starting to believe I should. Thanks for the resource. =)
“Anyone who is reading this poem that may feel shamed by it - please do not buy into that. If you are caught up in addiction - you need help.”
No, anyone whose guilt is exposed by this poem should feel ashamed. I fear for those who don’t. Guilt and shame are good, like physical pain. Be ashamed. Repent. Turn to Christ. By all means, confess to your pastor or a trusted Christian friend. Allow them to support you spiritually. But don’t buy into any philosophy that says you can’t (calls your habitual sin an addiction) or leaves you helpless without a program. If you are in Christ, you are able to quit. Christ commands you to quit — now, not as some program enables you.
I thank the woman above who wrote of her assault by her husband as he applied the sermons he heard. I know of at least 2-3 teaching elders of reformed and Presbyterian churches who physically abused their wives and in one case daughters, and at the same time preaching the doctrines of grace. All in the name of federal authority as one poster used on this site. Totally inexcusable! May God guide this woman to a church where healing can take place.
What a horrible experience! I want you to know that what you experienced was not biblical husband leadership; it was abuse. And it was definitely not biblical submission; it was abuse. Any pastors who condoned that behavior from your husband are in sin, and they will be dealt with on judgement day, although I wish they would be in this life. Also, if a pastor isn’t clear enough and doesn’t fully explain what the husband/wife relationship should look like, then some men will take any excuse they can get to do what they wanted to in the first place.
The Bible clearly says that a husband is to provide leadership to his wife in the same way that Christ leads the Church… which means serving her with a sacrificial love that causes him to lay down his life for her. And only WIVES are commanded to submit to their husbands… husbands are not commanded to make their wives submit. A husband is commanded to love his wife, and to not be harsh with her. Anyone who preaches otherwise is preaching a false gospel. Obviously your husband was in serious sin, and I am very glad you escaped the physical abuse.
How awful. I just can’t get over how terrible your experience was. Some people express themselves best through poetry (as the author of the poem did), and some through prose, as you did. Whether pornography use or physical abuse, what men can do to women is horrifying, degrading, sinful, and thoroughly sickening. I’ve experienced most types of abuse and am married to a man struggling with porn addiction; they all destroy a woman from the inside, no matter how the damage is inflicted.
Of course, I recognize that what happened to me was not biblical submission. However, until submission ceases to be submission to sinful male urges, until men cease from sinful desires altogether, churches really should not teach “submission”. It is far too similar to what is out their on the net.
Whether it is Islamic, pornographic or so called biblical, any form of submission that is not mutual is deeply sinful. This is the similarity between the teaching of submission in the church and in society. There is such a fine line between the two. The church should rather distance itself from unilateral submission and teach mutuality and health.
Let me just add a few words because I think you may have read into what I said.
I do not believe someone is helpless without a “program.” I do believe that a person is helpless without the support of a community. And definitely without the Holy Spirit working. Only God can set a person free from bondage. I call that bondage addiction. We are all addicted to sin in that we all turn to it for one reason or another. And just like none of us are able to just stop sinning… some are not able to just stop sinning sexually. At least not alone. By God’s grace, I have been able to stop many of the behaviors that I was unable to stop for years. I have to daily die to self - just like you. Do not put sexual sin in a different category than pride or anger.
I talk about my my struggle to stay pure before the Lord… and through bringing it into the light on a regular basis (before I give in), it loses its power over me. But if I stop talking about it… it will consume me. The Bible never says that I will not be free from the temptation. SAA simply provides me a place to deal with that temptation in a healthy and safe way. Through it, I experience God’s grace in ways that I only thought were theoretical.
I hope this reply does not sound argumentative. I just have strong opinions on this issue because I am living it.
Sorry… I meant to say, “The Bible never says that I will be free from temptation.”
For women who are hurting: Laurie Halls book has been mentioned. Also there is a book by Meg Wilson…Hope After Betrayal. Written from a Christian Perspective. Also another fantastic book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners can Mend and Heal by Barbara Steffans. Barbara is a Christian but the book is written for a broad audience. Also if you want to know other Christian women online…visit CWofA (Christian Wives of Addicts) …google it. There are many books for men…This one is not specifically for porn addicts but does address it some AND really addresses the heart of the issue: Larry Crabb’s book The Silence of Adam
Dr XYou are not meeting your wife’s emotional needs. You need your ego to die to self so that you may better meet her need to be loved and understood. I would venture to say you value your money over your wife and that she knows that and is trying find love in the items she buys. I bet you have already scowled at her plenty. You are on thin ice and I bet she is miserable.Why don’t you ask her to talk to you for a few minutes and you listen to her and then do what she asks? You do not know better than she does. It will take about three years of doing what she wants for your Dr ego to die and then you and she will both be happy.
So true… my high school sweetheart has been involved with porn for a yr and i found out and makes me sick and Discusting and he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore and doesnt want to commit anymore and Very selfish and its so sad he has had a ring for about 1.5 yrs and not doesn’t care and is ackting like who cares and whatever. I have been with him for over 4.5yrs and i have been so commited to him. I have been getting help for myself so i dont go insane cause it isnt my fault this is wrong and discustin and all he cares about is himself so wrong and he is in denial of it all and i got caught and who cares and he is filling his void with sin so i feal for you and many others and wish men would undertand what it makes a girl feal like and its wrong and sin and when you let sin control your life it takes the real relatship and pulls you away. It hurts very much and a punching bag is all that i have wanted for the past 4 months that we havent been together. I pray for him but thats all i can do and leave it all to god and his sin will find him out. You cant run from god! We need you men to be leaders and guide and be a man say no to it it wrong and discusting. I know that the one thing i have been learning on my own through consling is that God puts us through things for a reason im still working on that and its hard to say and that he never gives us more then we can handle. Please pray for me!
Anonymous writes: “May God forgive those who preach the leadership of women by men from the pulpit.”
Anonymous, God need not forgive such faithful preachers of the word. You were exposed to a wicked man who abused you. That had nothing to do with Godly, Christ-like leadership clearly taught in Scripture. If you’d said, “May God forgive those who fail to preach Christ-like loving leadership of women by men” then I (and Scripture) would have stood in agreement.
But you are, however, sadly still controlled by your abusive ex in that your reactionary theology is driven by his abuse, not Scripture. You hold the position you hold not because Scripture (Col 3:19, 1 Peter 3:1-7, etc.) isn’t clear — it’s very clear — but because some jerk who should be in jail disregarded those Scriptures. Though you’ are clearly operating out of pain, you are in fact rejecting the very portions of Scripture that condemns his wicked behavior. In this way, you are handing your abuser and the Devil the final victory by rejecting, rather than redeeming, how God calls men to lovingly lead.
I was once a part of a church that mistreated me, but I’m not screaming “God forgive those who preach that churches should have leaders” (that would violate Heb. 13:17, among others). The same Scripture that gave those leaders their positions in the church are the same ones that condemned their misuse of it; and like you, I left. But I refuse to operate out of trauma instead of truth. Every position of authority can be abused by wicked people. The solution is to recover Biblical guidelines, redeem the role of leader, and remand them to public accountability.
Remember: Never trust anyone — man, woman, preacher, cop, politician, etc. — who wants to HAVE authority but doesn’t want to be UNDER authority.
Thank you so much for putting into words the painful reality of this seemingly secret addiction within the home. I was 7 when I found my father’s stash and it slowly began to consume me over the next 20 years. With my female vantage point the images distorted my view of who I was to be, how I was to act, what my worth was and the list goes on. After years of giving my soul and body to others I became a hollow shell, incapable of any emotion outside of anger. I hated everyone. I hated myself. I hated being a woman and I hated men. This went on for years along side me medicating the emptiness with drugs and alcohol. The realization of emotionlessness finally became clear to me. Praise God! He brings restoration. When I thought my heart was dead and beyond repair God turned my heart of stone to flesh. This reality opened my eyes to the darkness that I had fed my heart and been living in for so long. I hated my dad for not protecting me. I hated that this was how he saw women and I hated my mom for not speaking up and getting rid of what she had found. Their 40 year marriage became a mirage and a lie. But God on his grace showed me my filthy heart was exactly like theirs and how I had to offer grace and forgiveness to them as well. Praise God I have been free for 3 years. I pray that this generational sin might end with me. Thank you again for sharing. People get so wrapped up in the lie that this is a secret sin that doesn’t effect those around them and as you have said it reaches further than ever intended and ever imagined.
Hey brother Ed,
What of all of those things you mentioned? They are the symptoms of a heart which is not fully ravished by the beauty and power of Jesus Christ. None of those sins is the actualy root issue, and I think we would all agree, lust/porno watching is not either. When we worship and serve the creature rather than the Creator, we have already turned from Him, which is The Sin of sins - pride. Just my layman’s thoughts.
“Remember: Never trust anyone — man, woman, preacher, cop, politician, etc. — who wants to HAVE authority but doesn’t want to be UNDER authority.”
I agree. Pastors are accountable to their church members, and politicians are accountable to the people. This posts demonstrates why men should be in a relationship of mutual accountability and authority with their wives.
I was brought to remember Psalm 51: “Against YOU and YOU ONLY have I sinned…” — So while the dear and precious soul of this woman and her family have been severely damaged (and sinned against), the main offense and main issue with with GOD Himself.
PS—A reminder about “Divine Antidote to Sexual Impurity” series I linked to the other day: http://bit.ly/98tHZr … it is so immensely helpful and balanced.
To all those men who have replied showing a lack of understanding of this issue, or who see it as no worse than a nagging or disrespectful wife, I would just like to make 2 points - the first is that this is a habit that escalates. My (Christian) husband started out looking at nudes, then masturbating to what he was looking at. Anything depraved or unnnatural would have horrified and revolted him. But over time he could no longer get a “high” from what he was looking at, and had to turn to worse and worse material. By the time he was feeding his mind on violent and degrading abuse of women, he was treating me like something unpleasant he had stepped in, because that was the view of women he was developing. I existed to serve his whims and be the butt of his anger and disdain. From there it was a short step to needing an outlet for the disgusting practices that now so attracted him - and who was more readily available for that than our teenage daughters? You may think this is a trivial sin but the damage it does is incalculable because it takes you into territory where at the outset you would never dream of going, because it totally sears your conscience.Secondly, think for a minute if the boot was on the other foot. Suppose your wife consistently refused ever to have sex with you, including on honeymoon, except once in a blue moon when she wanted to conceive children, because she would rather get all her sexual pleasure in a way that didn’t involve you, even if it didn’t involve another living human being. How long do you think the marriage would last? My guess is most men would be out of it within a couple of years. Yet women, especially Christian women, often have such a desire for their husbands, and such a reverence for the marriage covenant, that they will go on trying, for decades, even, to heal and restore the relationship. Over the years we have had 2 separations because it was the only way I could protect my daughters from his increasing violence and sexual predation. Now finally after 31 years I am in mid-divorce but God knows how long I have tried to make this marriage work. I have wasted 31 years of my life on this man (35 if you including the courting period - from when I was 17 until now I’m 52) when with someone else I might perhaps have had some love and happiness in my life - but I have prayed, drawn boundary lines, struggled to protect my girls, and tried so hard to honour my husband even while he treated me like this. I suspect if it had been the other way round and I were the man in the relationship, I would have given up decades ago and gone to find happiness with someone else. A nagging or disrespectful wife might make you feel unhappy or unappreciated but I don’t think she would do that level of damage to your own psyche or your children. Please don’t trivialise this issue. It can turn a man who started out as a deacon and church youth leader into a violent sexual predator who steals his own children’s lives and happiness.
@Anonymous: You’re obviously operating out of years of pain and torment, so I pray the LORD bind your wounds that you would be healed and restored. No one here is taking porn lightly. No one. You just need to understand that your traumatic background seem to make it difficult for you to get that in many situations (other than your own) there are many other dimensions and dynamics at work that influence all involved. If you look at everything through your filter of abuse, you’ll have trouble seeing things.
Also, I would simply offer that if your husband was sexually transgressing the marriage (i.e., incestuous adultery) the Bible has a covenant protection for that: divorce. Yours is a case where we can see that divorce actually protects and preserves the dignity of both the marriage covenant and people by actually serving up consequences when the marriage covenant is violated. If your husband moved from porn to sexually abusing your daughters, he deserved a divorce and a lengthy prison sentence.
I can assure you that he is now reaping everything he has sown, and I grieve for him even while enjoying the freedom from him. My point was simply that pornography is a far more serious thing than many people realise because of its progressive, escalating nature. Many people who are revolted by its extremes when they start looking at the milder stuff will find themselves in the end drawn into a degree of depravity they would never have thought possible at the outset. No one who enjoys viewing porn should think that this won’t happen to them.
Im stopping.
As the wife in this scenerio…it IS an ugly poem because it’s so true. Our situation is a bit different as it wasnt’ an issue from the beginning, and our children are adults. However, the pain is the same. A pain that lingers on and on with no end.
Please pray for my daughter A…… She is about to marry a 20-year porn addict. He says he stopped looking at porn but is exhibiting classic symptoms of one who is faking sobriety. I’ve become an unwilling student of pornography addiction counseling over the 1.5 years we’ve been trying to reason with our daughter. But now she has decided to marry him.
Praise God!
How do we deal with this? I’ll tell you how I deal with it. Do I win every time? No. Do I have problems looking at people sometimes? Yes. But where I am now is miles from where I was. You handle it like you do every other sin you’ve become trapped in. With a lot of talking to trusted helpers who will walk with you and help you set healthy boundaries and with generous doses of the gospel. What does that mean?
At my church the pastor talks a lot about how sin defines us and how the gospel wins. Victims, leaders, nobody’s, etc. They are all false identities we take on because of the sin we commit and the sin committed against us. If the gospel is not actively helping us confront these sins then we aren’t using it properly. I’ve had to confront my parents on how bad of a son I have been, as well as the errors they have made as parents that have led me where I am. We talk about it, forgive each other, and then let the gospel do what it does best: clean up the mess. Obviously you need everyone involved to be willing to let the gospel do what it is made to do.
But then, that is what makes a person a Christian. A Christian is not perfect. A Christian makes mistakes, and makes the same one multiple times sometimes. But Jesus died for the 5th and 6th times you messed up, too. It’s not an excuse to keep doing it. It’s hope that there is an end. If I sit here condemned because I still mess up, then everyone reading this sits in the same place of judgment for whatever your repeated sin is. We all have them.
My heart goes out to this lady. I want desperately to be a good husband and father one day and I know porn will stand in my way. But my heart also goes out to the man she is talking about. What in the world happened to him that has brought him to this place that he needs to view the things he views? I was abandoned. I look for the woman on the screen because she is always there. While her face may change, she never abandons me. I need Jesus to take her place, and by the grace of the Holy Spirit it is changing and I am being renewed with a new mind that sees through the lies and deceit of sin. She won’t always be there. It’s a lie to think so. When I really need someone to be there she won’t be there. Only Jesus will be there and I pray that he is the one I latch onto.
There’s not a gap in books that teach women how to deal with husbands who sin. There’s a gap in churches that teach the gospel. The gospel cures everything. It heals the broken, cleanses the leper, and raises the dead. It can bring love into her husband’s eyes. A love she has longed to rest in. It can make me a good husband and good dad one day. But we have to let it be what it is and stop assuming we can anything without the Holy Spirit changing us. You cannot white knuckle the sin out of your life anymore than you can white knuckle your way into heaven. It’s not an excuse to keep sinning. We’re not supposed to sin. We all need to stop whatever sin we are sitting in and let the gospel do its work.
Talk about your sin - confession breaks the chains. You can’t be held in shame if it’s out in the open unless the people you told are the wrong kind of people; people who shame you. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
Fight your sin - Paul talks about training like athlete, beating his body into submission. You have to fight the sin. If you don’t, you’ll have no hope and no joy because all you will be able to see is the condemnation that waits for you.
Avoid things that lead to sin - If that means you can’t watch certain movies, or go to certain places with your friends, whatever. Sometimes the way you show true repentance is by avoiding things that trigger the hunger.
Make restitution for your sin - Don’t just say “Jesus forgive me”. That’s not repentance and that’s not restitution. Restitution is what John the Baptist was talking about when he said keep with the fruits of repentance. Keep doing the things that push sin further away and bring you closer to your Father. You’ll never be done till Jesus comes back, but you have to do things to show you are sorry for what you did. They don’t grant you forgiveness. Jesus does. They don’t grant you life. Jesus does. They don’t even give you repentance. Jesus does. They are a fruit of your repentance just as your works are a fruit of your faith.
This is how I deal with it. This is how I deal with all sin in all of my relationships and they are all growing and showing more and more fruit. That’s how I know it is the gospel. I’m not growing pretty trees that are dead on the inside. Trust is growing. Love is growing. Honor and respect for one another are growing. The sins haven’t all gone away, but they are no match for the gospel of Jesus. Always remember the gospel: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Not counting our sins against us, God reconciled the world to himself through Christ.
Dr. X, you seem to think that the writer of the poem is merely disgusted by porn, and by her husband for using it. I think you underestimate the harms that porn addiction causes the wife. This is not a victimless crime, and in this case it’s led to years of sexual abuse.
Yeah, it’s kind of like a broken ankle, but the injury is repeated, untreated, and done to the wife against her will.
A better analogy for your car accident would be a husband who abuses alcohol and then insists on driving, putting both himself and his family in harm’s way repeatedly. The porn addict often does not realize how his sin affects others. He does not realize how harmful he is to his family. This poem might help, so I’m glad it was written and then made public.
Anonymous 12/20 @ 3:52pm, did you go to those pastors and ask them to help you confront your husband’s sin? If you told them of this abuse with sufficient detail, clarity, and frequency, and they refused to help you, then they are morally culpable. However, if you did not tell them, and they were simply, faithfully teaching the family government structure taught in the Bible, then it is wrong to blame them for your husband’s evil behavior.
A wife *must* confront egregious sin, in some way, early on (with provisions for safety and protection as needed) and she *must* seek help from the church to confront it (Matthew 18). If she does not do this, then her responsibility is much greater than that of any pastors who didn’t even know of the situation at all or, nearly as bad, weren’t helped to grasp the severity of it.
One more thought….There are many, many women who are eager to respond to their husbands’ love but who are physiologically unable to rspond well to their husbands distance, anger or selfishness.
If the wife is unresponsive to her husband’s tenderness, that’s it’s own problem, and it is tempting, but many pornography addicts do not remember what it is to be tender.
As anonymous, I think it’s shameful that many men in the church do not understand two things—1) Without a normal physiologic arounsal, sex is a physically uncomfortable and emotionally degrading experience for a women. It hurts, and it can hurt a lot, for the same reasons that rape is physically painful and degrading. Porn LIES about this. It’s *acting*, duh. If what you know about sex and women was learned from porn, you know less than nothing.2) A normal physiological arousal response is very, very difficult for a healthy, normal, godly woman to achieve, in holiness, before a husband who doesn’t have love in his eyes.
I spent 12 years married to a husband who has almost no drive. I longed for intimacy, for touch, for that one flesh connection. I was lonely and empty.
And when I responded to that very understandable loneliness by having an Affair……it was sin. Period. This idea that the poor man had no choice but to look at porn because his wife wouldn’t put out would be laughable if it weren’t so wrong. My sin was MY responsibility….and for those who choose to deal with their marriage problems by using porn….that is YOUR responsibility.
My husband and I have a restored marriage, but I can tell you we did NOT get there by me blaming HIM for MY choices.
A normal physiological arousal response is very, very difficult for a healthy, normal, godly woman to achieve, in holiness, before a husband who doesn’t have love in his eyes.
before or after “forgiveness”?
Are we (wives) to offer a “grace” that holds a grudge year after year? How are we to judge where his heart is, if we are so wrapped up in our own pain that we don’t even care
I know - I was there.
I read this poem - did the author know on their wedding night that porn would be an issue? If not, she looks back on thefirst time, needing assurance of your love and retroactively condemns his actions, before she even knew they existed
Our memories are fickle things. At this point, this man has no help from his wife.
He thinks she’s cold? Her answer (paraphrased) - Of course!
If (according to Scripture) some [men]do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives - what is winning these men - who need the help of their wives to beat this thing?
A soft answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger.
This is a downward spiral that far too many wives help speed right along.
I can say, at the end, my husband told others that it was my forgiving spirit, my warm arms and willingness to soften - that helped him, and brought him back to God.
I cannot and will not encourage women to answer one sin with another. That, encouraging sin - is also sin.
You are blessed. For many years I created a atmosphere of grace and forgiveness in which change was possible. He chose to take full advantage of it to go on sinning - my forgiveness was his licence to carry on, until I had no choice but to separate from him for the safety of our children. Praise God for every man who truly repents and turns from this. But please don’t blame the wives of the men who choose not to. Especially where their children have suffered damage - to blame her for what has been done to her and her children is just to abuse her all over again. Every man is fully responsible for his own choices.
> But please don’t blame the wives of the men who choose not to
The only thing I can blame wives for is *IF* they respond to a sin with sin.
> Every man is fully responsible for his own choices.
And women are not “sugar and spice and everything nice” - we make choices of our own.
If a husband is repentant and the wife goes on responding in hurt and anger can continues to hold a grudge - that is the choice of a wife to keep her marriage on the rocks.
pure life ministries can help!