I had a humbling moment yesterday. I received in the mail an unexpected gift of a new book written by one of my very favorite authors. I opened the cover and saw that he had taken the time to sign it to me. I was quite thrilled. My wife was napping at the time (she’s pregnant, you remember, and seems to need an hour-long nap in the afternoon) so I couldn’t show it to her right away, but as soon as she woke up I took it in to her. She opened the cover, read the inscription and said, “Who’s Tom?” Yup, sure enough the book had been signed to Tom. Shortly after I received an email from this person’s assisstant saying something to the effect of, “We realized the day after we dropped it in the mail that he had signed the wrong name and another copy, signed properly, is on the way. We’re hoping the first copy will get lost in the mail.” Ah well. Let this be a lesson in humility!

Tonight my in-laws are coming over to keep an eye on the kids while Aileen and I head off to the Petra concert. As I reported last week, it seems that she is the only person in the world who loves me enough to attend this concert with me. I am anticipating, of course, that we’ll have a great time listening to all those Petra classics and watching Bob and John jam for the very last time (oh, and those other guys who are in the band). I have been to many Petra concerts over the years but I know this one will be special because it will be the last. I’m sure I’ll have more to say about the concert in the days to come. The band did, after all, play a rather significant role in my life.

Three guesses as to whom I am having lunch with today. Nope. Nope. And nope. Good guesses though. I’m having lunch with Richard Abanes. He is in town on what I suppose is a publicity tour and I guess he thought it would be interesting for the two of us to continue our ongoing discussion face-to-face rather than through emails and book reviews. I hear from Nathan Busenitz that he had lunch with Abanes not too long ago as well, so I guess Richard must be trying to meet many of Warren’s detractors. It should be interesting at any rate. So if there has ever been a question you’ve been dying to ask Abanes but have been too scared, let me know and I’ll ask him on your behalf.

Here is a story everyone should read. The Biggest E-mail Peeves at Work. It’s no great surprise, I’m sure, that Reply to All and large attachments top the list.

And now, for this Friday’s most frivolous moment, I thought I’d try something a little different. Last weekend, as I sat at the Desiring God Conference, I was pleasantly surprised to see so many people worshipping God with hands in the air and so on. My experience in Reformed churches is that hands do not often leave the sides during times of worship. And so I propose that today we complete the following sentence:

“I have not seen so many Reformed hands in the air since…”

Please be nice and Christian and gentle and loving and respectful in your responses. Oh, and humorous, because humor is what Friday Frivolity is all about.

I have a question of ethics that I’m sure is unique to our technologically-advanced age. It concerns one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century and one that has been updated for the twenty-first. I am talking about, of course, Tupperware (which I use as a generic term for reusable storage containers). Now it used to be that if a neighbour were to bring you a gift (like authentic Cajun Gumbo Soup, for example) in Tupperware, you would always empty it and return the container at the earliest possible convenience. Tupperware is expensive, after all. Conversely, if the person were to bring you a gift in a Ziploc bag, you would simply dispose of the bag. But what are we to do with those new Ziploc/Tupperware hybrids? You know what I mean, I’m sure: those cheap, reusable but also disposible containers. Is it proper to keep those or to return them to the owner? Do we return them and perhaps appear cheap for returning something with no real value? Or do we hold on to them and risk being thought of as a family of thieves? Your advice on such an important matter is appreciated.

In other frivolous news, I finally found someone to go to the Petra concert with me this Friday. To this point everyone I asked had the exact same reaction.

Tim: “Hey, do you want to go and see Petra with me?”

Friend: “Tee hee. Tee hee hee hee. BA HA HA HA HA! You can’t be serious!”

Honestly, all of my friends stood me up. But finally Aileen got clearance from the midwife to attend a concert despite her pregnancy, so she and I are going to the show together. We have been to three or four Petra shows together and I’m sure we’ll have a good time, even if we are older and grumpier than last time we went. Then again, John and Bob are definitely older and probably grumpier as well. Regardless, it will be nice to see the band, forever my favorite, one final time. I’ll be sure Aileen doesn’t do any crowd-surfing.

And now, an example of pure frivolity and a complete misuse of my time and, one could argue, talents. Here is a proposed front and back cover for a book I’m sure I could write. But I won’t.

Adrian Warnock, whom most people know only as a pixelated face superimposed over a picture of Big Ben (click here), seems to want to fight. And as history has proven time and time again, these British folk, like the little kid on the playground who runs to the safety of his big brother, will only fight when the Americans have their back. Thus Adrian has also seeks to poison the mind of Phil Johnson so that he will turn on me.

But I am impervious to such mockery. And so today, as a show of my humility, I present to you a list of the top 10 reasons you should read Adrian’s blog and Phil Johnson’s blog instead of mine.

1. You’ll have to visit Phil to find a link to Centuri0n. Phil is, I believe, the only blogger in the entire blogosphere that links to Centuri0n (or at least the only one who considers him stellar).
2. To make yourself feel better about your housekeeping. Adrian’s blog is so disorganized it will make even the most cluttered room seem positively feng shui.
3. Because Phil is one of the world’s foremost experts in the area of Intelligent Design and has written several excellent books on the subject.
4. Adrian has a sexy British accent that shines through as clearly in print as it does in speech.
5. Phil can teach you the shamless art of self-promotion by showing you how to search for yourself in every major search engine and aggregator.
6. You can browse Adrian’s list of “Warnie” winners to see the list of bloggers he claims to have “made” because of the award. Because, you know, none of these people had any readers or anything to offer before the award.
7. At Phil’s blog you’re only two clicks away from the list of every disgusting thing he’s ever eaten, and that’s important information.
8. Because Adrian and Jollyblogger are the same person and Jollyblogger is just a nice guy.
9. Phil Johnson has John MacArthur as a guest-blogger. Of course when the rest of us post copyrighted material on our sites we consider it plagarism, but Phil prefers the term “guest blogging.”
10. And finally, because for some reason, unlike most of the rest of us, people actually seem to care what they say.

In other frivolous news, I have been working on an updated blogroll. It is taking some time because I am attempting to make it meaningful, which means that I cannot list every evangelical blog in the world. I am also annotating it, providing a brief glimpse of what I like about a particular site. I am hoping to launch this new feature next week.

Finally, it seems I can stop having nightmares about drowning in quicksand. Archimedes comes to the rescue yet again.

And finally, I present to you, a really endangered species.

I’m going to be rolling out a new feature of this blog on Monday. Or am am hoping to, anyways. It is a feature that is long overdue, and one I hope contributes to the blogosphere. So check back Monday for that - it’s guaranteed to be a letdown.

Two weeks from today I will be making the trek to the bustling metropolis of Minneapolis to attend (and blog) the Desiring God National Conference. I will be teaming up with Doug McHone (of Coffeewirls fame) to bring a riveting play-by-play of the event. We haven’t discussed roles yet, but I’m thinking he should be Al Michaels and I’ll be John Madden. I guess that means I have to say “cankles” a lot. I’ve arranged some prizes to give away, so mark the date on your calendar and be sure to check in at this site, or at coffeeswirls.com.

I will be flying aboard MidWest Airlines, an airline I chose based entirely on price. Seats on their planes were significantly cheaper than on any other airlines. I hope that is simply because they are a not-for-profit organization and not because they cut corners in their hiring and maintenance practices. My itinerary has me leaving Toronto at about 10:30 EST. Of course I have to clear U.S. Customs before I can even set foot in the plane and that is bound to take some time. Last time my sister and brother-in-law flew out of Canada my sweet little sister ended up being quite rude to a Customs agent who was growing increasingly rude with her. I intend to be my usual charming self and avoid any similar trouble. And of course, after Customs, I still need to pass security. MidWest saw fit to send me the following guidelines:

• Avoid wearing clothing, jewelry or other accessories that contain metal when traveling through the security checkpoints:
  • Heavy Jewelry (including pins, necklaces, bracelets, rings, watches, earrings, body piercings, cuff links, lanyards or bolo ties) [shouldn’t be an issue. I’ll remove my extensive jewelry collection before going through customs screening
  • Clothing with metal buttons, snaps or studs [I’m not Amish, you know].
  • Metal hair barrettes or other hair decoration [I barely have enough hair to decorate it].
  • Belt buckles [I don’t think I have a belt with a plastic buckle].
  • Under-wire bras [I’ll make sure to wear one without wires].
• Hidden items such as body piercings may result in your being directed to additional screening for a pat-down inspection. If selected for additional screening, you may ask to remove your body piercing in private as an alternative to the pat-down search. [Great, so now I have to remove all my body piercings too].
• Take metal items such as keys, loose change, mobile phones, pagers, and personal data assistants (PDAs) out of your pockets. [Alright, I get the idea].

After a flight of an hour and a half (I think - it’s hard to tell with the various time zones), barely enough time to skim through the on-board magazines, I will arrive in Milwaukee and will have to waste some three hours before the final leg of my journey, a grueling hour-long flight to Minneapolis. MidWest tells me that the plane, a Boeing 717 which probably outdates me by several decades, features “extra-wide, two-across leather seating in every row, plus baked-onboard chocolate chip cookies on many flights.” I’m pretty sure I’ve never been on board a flight that featured fresh-baked cookies. According to the seating chart posted on MidWest’s site, it seems that the 717 has outdoor bathroom facilities, as they seem to be located on the right side of the aircraft, immediately beside the tail. That could get windy.

And now, with no further ado, I present the most frivolous link I have yet posted. This is one of the funniest sermon bloopers I’ve ever heard. You may not want to watch this at work or with the kiddies around you. Did Lot Pitch His Tents or did he…? Make sure you watch to the end so you can witness the complete meltdown of an awfully embarrassed pastor.

There is quite a large number of people who read this site through RSS readers. I have no idea how many of you there are as you only rarely make yourselves known. But I know you exist because whenever I post the details of a new giveaway I am immediately inundated by a large number of people signing up - far more than read the site in the span of a few minutes. I think I am rambling. I would like the RSS folk to know that I will be making some changes to the RSS feed later today. I am consolidating the feeds and will be pointing them all to a Feedburner RSS feed. This should make absolutely no difference to you and I do not think you will need to update your settings. However, if you find you are having trouble with the RSS feeds later today or over the next few days, please let me know.

And now we can move on to matters that are far more frivolous.

I’m wondering if there is a danger involved in listening to a particular album too many times. I bought the new Switchfoot album, Nothing is Sound on Tuesday morning within five minutes of the music store opening its doors. I returned home, set the album to “repeat” and listened to it all day Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. And yes, it is playing again today. Strangely, I am not yet tired of it. It was quite frustrating to see that the album is “unrippable,” meaning that I cannot convert it to MP3 and listen to it in iTunes like the other 6000 songs I have on my computer. Instead I have to use some silly little Flash interface provided on the album.

Petra is coming to town on the 14th of October. It is a sign of the times that, despite shameless begging, I have not found one person who is willing to attend this concert with me. Most people simply laugh at the mere mention of Petra. A couple of weeks ago my pastor went to a B.B. King concert. When he told me, I snickered a little. He said, “What? You don’t like watching 80-year old guys play the guitar?” I said, “Well, I am going to see Petra…”

And for the grand finale, I present to you the famous Tennessee fainting goats. That’s right. Through some strange genetic defect these goats faint when they get scared (actually, in reality their muscles stiffen so they fall over). If this doesn’t stand as proof of the failure of theories of “survival of the fittest” I don’t know what does.

Today I would like to regale you with a story about my daughter. It is a true story, of course, and seems just frivolous enough to post on a Friday.

One day a couple of weeks ago when we were on vacation it was nearly dinner time and my daughter really wanted a popsicle. My wife told her that it was too close to dinner time and that she would have to wait until after we had eaten. But then my daughter pulled the trump card. “But Anna has one!” (Anna being my niece). Aileen, always the peacemaker, replied “Well, we are on vacation, so I guess you can be naughty.” Quick as a flash my daughter reached out and smacked Aileen. Aileen reacted in surprise. “What was that for!?” she shouted. My daughter, looking sad and confused said, “But you said I could be naughty!”

I guess the moral of the story is that children take words very literally. We could also extend the moral of the story to show the deep-rooted human hatred of authority. We probably should have punished my daughter, but as it happened we were laughing far too hard to do much of anything.

End of story. You may now resume your normal Friday activity.

If it just so happens that your Friday activity includes a visit to Amazon, why not read through some of the reviews I’ve posted there and, you know, hit that little “yes” button which indicates a helpful review!

Finally, I will probably be updating the blog to Movabletype 3.2 over the weekend, so if you experience some problems, ignore them and they will probably go away soon enough.

It’s four in the afternoon and I am only just getting to the Friday Frivolity. My most profuse apologies go to everyone, but Amy in particular.

This is completely non-frivolous but some have asked me about the heart issues I was having a couple of weeks ago. I finally got the call-back from the doctor who told me I have two conditions. The first was Bipolar Cheddarprolapse Valvelobotomy and the second Microvalve Discumbobulatory Oranganeck. Or something like that. I knew I should have paid more attention in biology classes.

The first of the conditions is benign but symptomatic which means it may cause fatigue and dizziness but won’t kill me. The second is less-benign but not too dangerous unless it progresses, at which point it sometimes requires a pacemaker. I’m going to assume that it won’t go that far since I’m not really into pacemakers. The doctor decided I should see a cardiologist who will probably want me to wear one of those awful monitors for a full week. That would be torturous.

So, I suppose it’s good news.

And now here is your weekly dose of frivolity, courtesy of my mom. Ten ways you might know that a redneck has been using your computer…

1. 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
2. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
3. 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
4. 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
5. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. 5. The password is “Bubba”.
7. 4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
8. 3. There’s a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
9. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is…
10. 1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

And one more. Ever wondered about the origins of CTRL-ALT-DELETE? Watch this video. I’m not sure if that is a deliberate shot at Bill Gates or not. But it’s hilarious.

It is a little late in the day to be publishing this, I admit, but I’ve been otherwise-occupied. I’ve been having some trouble with my ticker lately, so yesterday I went to the doctor to get fitted with a little gadget that would record every beat of my heart for a full 24 hours. This required, of course, sticking seven or eight little electrodes to my upper body. While they even went so far as to shave necessary bits of chest hair, this did not make the gadget any more comfortable to wear. It itched constantly and pretty well drove me to distraction. Rolling over in bed is just about impossible when you’re attached to a box with all sorts of wires. Anyways, I just got it off and it feels great to be free. Just like when you take your car to the garage and it just won’t clank like it has been for the past two weeks, my heart didn’t do what it was supposed to while I was hooked up. But it’s doing it now. Oh well. My mother tells me she has the same condition and has lived with it quite happily for the past 50-some years, so I’m not too worried.

And now onto matters that are far more frivolous.

Earlier in the week Michael Spencer posted a list of “Books that WON’T be published anytime soon.” You can read his list here. Among the better ones were:

Humor for the Pulpit by John Piper
Why Reading Is Killing The Church by Tim Challies
No More Mister Nice Guy by David Wayne
Nobody Knows My Name by Phil Johnson
How To Have A Successful Group Blog by Jared Wilson
It Doesn’t Matter and What If It Did? by Al Mohler

Naturally I was honored to be included. I just about wrote an article entitled “Why Reading Is Killing The Church” but never got around to it. Maybe next week. Maybe not. But I thought I’d add a few to the list.

Systematic Theology by Benny Hinn
Slain in the Spirit by John MacArthur
Tattooing: The Devil’s Own Artform by Derek Webb
Calvinism Defined and Defended by Michael Spencer
The English Standard Perversion by Adrian Warnock
Topical Preaching 101 by Al Mohler
What I Really Believe by Brian McLaren
Becoming The Woman of His Dreams by Joyce Meyers
Three Arrows is a Full Quiver by Amy Scott
Attractive Web Design by James White and the Alpha & Omega Staff
What’s Wrong With Warren? by Richard Abanes
Living on a Budget by Joel Osteen

That’s the best I can do. Feel free to add your own.

In honor of their tenth anniversary, Amazon has released a list of their 25 all-time best-selling authors. Here, for your reading pleasure, is that list along with some obnoxious commentary.

1. J.K. Rowling - She writes something about a wizard kid and is richer than the queen. Can’t say I’ve ever read any of her books. Can’t say I ever will.
2. Spencer Johnson - Had never heard of him until last Sunday when someone in my church told me I had to read his book about cheese. So far I haven’t read it. Probably never will. Though I do love cheese. Especially a good medium cheddar.
3. Nora Roberts - I thought she was a singer. Oh wait, that’s Nora Jones. Don’t know this one.
4. Dan Brown - Haven’t read his book either. Rumor has it it’s great fiction, but utterly blasphemous. I’ll pass.
5. Dr. Seuss - I’ve heard of him and while I’ve read a few of his books, I never really understood the fascination.
6. John Grisham - Read a couple of his books in the past and watched a couple of the movies. He’s alright.
7. Stephen King - Tried reading one of his books once. Felt guilty so threw it away.
8. J.R.R. Tolkien - I’ve The Lord of the Rings more times than I care to admit. And The Hobbit too. Tolkien is often imitated but never duplicated.
9. Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins - I read half of the first book. It’s just bad fiction. And even worse theology.
10. Jim Collins - Isn’t this guy the drummer from Exodus? Or Genesis? Maybe not. Never heard of him.
11. Phil McGraw - Don’t get me started on Pastor/Guru Phil and his all-female following.
12. Robert Atkins - Not around to enjoy all those royalties.
13. C.S. Lewis - I have read surprisingly little C.S. Lewis. But I do intend to watch the movies. I wonder who benefits from all Lewis’ royalties.
14. Mitch Albom - Mitch who?
15. Ken Blanchard - Hey, I know this guy! He’s Rick Warren’s pseudo-Christian buddy! He’s one of those Christian New Age guys.
16. James Patterson - He has sold $1 billion in books and I’ve never read any of them. I don’t intend to remedy that.
17. Stephen R. Covey - I had to sit through far too many presentations of his Mormon silliness when I was in the workforce. Never again.
18. Mary Pope Osborne - Don’t know who she is, but she looks like Meryll Streep
19. Marcus Buckingham - I don’t have any employees, so have no need of an expert on employee productivity.
20. Lemony Snicket - Say what?
21. John C. Maxwell - Another pseudo-Christian who wants to teach you to run your church like a corporation.
22. Janet Evanovich - Didn’t Julia Roberts play her in a movie a few years ago?
23. Robert T. Kiyosaki - Don’t know him from Adam.
24. Arthur Agatson - Nor him. Looks like another fad-diet dude.
25. Tom Clancy - Used to read all his books, but gave up a few years ago. The Hunt For Red October is still his best, and it’s almost as old as he is. It was also the best of the movies, despite Sean Connery’s painful accent. And Alec Baldwin.