The Ultimate Christian Novel

I think I have done it. I've come up with the ultimate idea for the ultimate Christian novel. This novel seamlessly blends today's most popular genres into one beautiful, compelling, cohesive whole. I thought you would want to know all about it. So I give to you...

Cassidy: Amish Vampiress of the Tribulation

That's right. It's an Amish novel; it's a vampire novel; it's an end-times novel. It's the best of all worlds.

Here is the back cover text:

He is handsome. He is romantic. He is Amish.

Twenty-three year old Cassidy lives a simple life in the Amish countryside of Lancaster County. Simple, that is, until Slade Byler moves into the old Lapp farm. Cassidy finds herself irresistibly drawn to the handsome Slade; but she fears to share the secret that she alone knows. For Cassidy is an immortal, a princess in the long line of ancient Amish vampires. Will Slade's love grow cold when he learns this great secret? Can she give to him a heart that does not beat?

Meanwhile, the strength of the Antichrist grows as he consolidates his power and seeks to destroy the peace-loving people of Pennsylvania. A blossoming romance unfolds between Cassidy and Slade as the world around them changes forever. They must fight to stay alive, they must fight to keep their forbidden love a secret, but, as Amish, they must not fight at all.

In this irresistible tale of intrigue and adventure, set against global upheaval, the bonnet meets the cape in a story sure to span the ages.

Here is a brief excerpt from the novel itself:

As if for the first time, Slade looked at Cassidy--her hair pulled back tightly and safely encased within a bonnet; her beautiful pinafore protecting her black dress; her long black cape trailing behind her with its red velvet lining peeking out around her ankles.

Cassidy spoke suddenly. "I grow weak for it has been a fortnight since I last tasted fresh blood."

"I must bring to you a feast," Slade replied. "I will have to face all the armies of the Antichrist to do it, for you cannot drink the blood of the Amish!"

Her heart stirred with love for the brave, brave man before her, Cassidy pushed her bonnet away from her eyes and moved to kiss Slade. As they came together she felt the smooth, clean-shavenness of his upper lip against her own. She ran her fingers through his magnificent beard. "Oh Slade! What can your buggy do against the forces of the Antichrist?"

"I don't know. But I will think of something."

"You must. You simply must."

Deep in thought, Slade walked a few paces, his eyes fixed firmly on the horizon, his hands thrust deep into his pockets. His suspenders stood like ribbons of blood upon his shoulders. Suddenly he turned and said, "I won't be taking the buggy, my love. The elders say I can accept a ride in an automobile, right?"

"Yes. As long as you do not own it!"

"And a tank is pretty much an automobile, right?"

"Of course!"

"Then I know what I must do," he said resolutely, tearing his hat from his head and throwing it to the ground. "You set the table. I'm going hunting!"

Comments (98)

1
Anonymous's picture

Hilarious!

2
Anonymous's picture

You got a winner!

3
Anonymous's picture

Yes. Hilarious.

4
Anonymous's picture

This post should come with a warning! I was eating lunch when I read it and what I was eating shot out my nose I was laughing so hard!!!

5
Anonymous's picture

Tim, I love it...seriously.

6
Anonymous's picture

It will be stretched into at least 10 books, yes?

7
Anonymous's picture

Not usually into fiction but I might actually read that. lol

8
Anonymous's picture

You forgot the werewolves! LOL

9
Anonymous's picture

Wow, the description was cringe-worthy, and the excerpt barely readable.... and yet I KNOW it's very much on the mark. That's why I don't really read fiction nowadays... even though I'm trying to write my own fiction. I can't stand the sensationalism... and, really, what position do vampires have anyway? Actually, this is something I'd like to know- I have a Christian friend who is a fan of zombie/vampire stories, and we often discuss the Christian implications of those stories. How should Christians respond to such themes?

10
Anonymous's picture

ROFLOL! Oh my, I think you pegged perfectly why I prefer to read fiction written a hundred years ago.

11
Anonymous's picture

Haha! Awesome! :)

12
Anonymous's picture

How should Christians respond to such themes?

Mockery.

13
Anonymous's picture

Tim,

As a critic of sorts -- I am curious how you will reconcile her demonic nature (which she is surely working to redeem somehow) with the almost obligatory call from the Antichrist to join his army.

If you need an editor let me know.

Ready with the mockery,
Eric

14
Anonymous's picture

I'll be calling my lawyer! This is plagiarism Challies, and I won't let you get away with it. Sure, you've changed the Shaker characters into Amish, and the amillennialists into premillennialists, and most unforgivably changed my zombies to vampires, but it is essentially the same story!

I won't stand for it, by Jimeny, I won't.

15
Anonymous's picture

You forgot two things:
1. the love triangle.
2. a shunning.

Other than that, spot on. :-)

16
Anonymous's picture

This is the best thing I have read all day.

Thanks, Tim. :)

17
Anonymous's picture

You had me at:
"Oh Slade! What can your buggy do against the forces of the Antichrist?"

I don't know if you will actually see my tweets or not but if you are ever in Wilmington NC area I will buy you dinner for that one. First smile since I came into the office today.

18
Anonymous's picture

I laughed till I cried.
Absolutely perfect.

19
Anonymous's picture

The only element I thought that you forgot were the angels battling demons in another realm...

Nicely done. You sentiments exactly.

20
Anonymous's picture

Book 2: pagan werewolf Stone Jefferson questions what is going on when he finds a Bible, realizes he was left behind, and hunts his way to Pennsylvania seeking answers. His path brings him into contact with Cassidy, whom he finds strangely attractive and repulsive at the same time. This stirs long repressed anger and jealousy in Slade. If their secrets come into the open, will they be shunned?
Secrets:
Stone is a pagan werewolf
Cassidy is a vampire
Slade and Stone are both drawn to Cassidy
Slade owns his own tank...
stay tuned for the next fifteen books...

21
Anonymous's picture

Ummm, that would be, "My sentiments..."

22
Anonymous's picture

Five bucks says Zondervan would pick it up.

23
Anonymous's picture

I would read that book. No, seriously.

24
Anonymous's picture

You know, the sad part is that there are people out there who really would think that this story ought to be written.

25
Anonymous's picture

Ahahah... that is hilarious.

26
Anonymous's picture

Absolutely hilarious! I would love to read the entire book!

27
Anonymous's picture

Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Too funny!!

28
Anonymous's picture

Wish I had thought of that. That's awesomely brilliant.

29
Anonymous's picture

Perfect except for one minor detail. I'm pretty sure that single Amish men don't have beards. They grow them to show they're married.

But, I might be wrong.

30
Anonymous's picture

I can smell your first million - $ and copies sold!

One question, though, if it reached the NY Times bestseller's list, would you review your own novel at 10millionwords?

31
Anonymous's picture

"the bonnet meets the cape in a story sure to span the ages" - the laughter attack began here!!

32
Anonymous's picture

I can smell your first million - $ and copies sold!

One question. If it reaches the NY Times bestseller list, will you review your own novel for 10millionwords?

33
Anonymous's picture

That was a perfect way to end my day. Excellent.

34
Anonymous's picture

(I love Robert's sequel, too!!) Careful, we might actually expect you to at least write these into some short e-books!!

35
Anonymous's picture

That book sounds so good, I would camp out all night to be the first to buy the movie tickets.

36
Anonymous's picture

Of course as the books progress, the mood of the story must get darker, a strain of some government concoction must be released that turns humanity into mindless, flesh-eating zombies, every recognizable, non-Muslim land mark must be destroyed, and humanity must band together in pure humanistic fashion with Cassidy and Slade as their chosen leaders, to stop the anti-christ and his super computer reality.

37
Anonymous's picture

Okay, first of all, no self-respecting Amish, vampire princess is wearing a black cape with red velvet lining....much to flashy. Plus, she can't drink Amish blood? Isn't that sort of an infringement on her feeding rights?

LOL This was so funny actually. I do have a friend writing an Amish, Vampire series. and I bet she makes it work

38
Anonymous's picture

Awesome! I work at a bookstore, and this would sell forever.

39
Anonymous's picture

Please make it available for my Kindle! And free for the first month.

40
Anonymous's picture

I'm absolutely howling with laughter.

41
Anonymous's picture

Let us know when you are approached about the movie rights.

42
Anonymous's picture

Maybe I should consider becoming a writer...seems the standards have been lowered a bit. lol

43
Anonymous's picture

You should finish that and submit to NaNoWriMo?

44
Anonymous's picture

Too funny. Sadly, I can see the teenage girls in my literature class lining up to get an autographed copy.

45
Anonymous's picture

YES! ... but you forgot the zombies. It has to have zombies too. ;P

46
Anonymous's picture

Stange but cool. =)

47
Anonymous's picture

I needed a good laugh . Thanks Tim ....

48
Anonymous's picture

Thank you, I needed a good laugh tonight.

This is perfect!

49
Anonymous's picture

WOW WOW WOW Hilarious.


Are you forgetting the wayward sister or the playboy long lost brother who comes back to begin a (safe) love triangle?

50
Anonymous's picture

This is really, really, hilarious. I laughed so hard I had to sent a copy to my editors at Harvest House.