I often think there is a kind of paradoxical quality to sex within marriage. It’s paradoxical in that few things have greater ability to bring blessing (through its right use) or to bring cursing (through its misuse). Not only that, but few things bring greater joy to a marriage, and also, in so many cases, more consistent difficulty. It is sex that forges the deepest kind of union between a husband and wife, and it is struggles with sex that often wrench them apart. Sex is marvelous, sex is complicated, and sex is something that perplexes nearly all of us.
Doug Hanna hopes to bring some clarity in his new book, Sex and Self-Forgetfulness. As you may surmise from the title, he believes the key to a proper understanding of sex is self-forgetfulness—the desire to serve others instead of serving ourselves. Those who are self-forgetful find that the best life and the true life is one that involves laying down our lives for others and forgetting ourselves so that we can serve them.
With that in mind, “the simple goal of this book,” he says, “is to apply Jesus’s vision for the Christian life to sex within marriage. What would it look like to pursue sex from a posture of serving others (namely, our spouses), rather than meeting our own needs? How would our approach to sex change if we really believed Jesus’s teaching about serving others and applied it to our marriage bed? In the counterintuitive way of our crucified King, sexual satisfaction is found by serving your spouse, not by insisting on your own way. Let me say it again because this is the main point of this whole book: Sexual satisfaction is found by serving your spouse, not by insisting on your own way. The way to find real joy in bed is laying your life down, thinking less about yourself and more about your spouse. Self-forgetfulness.”
That is the crucial and narrow focus of the book. It is not the kind of book that unpacks an exhaustive theology of sex or the kind of book that focuses on tips and techniques, though both have their place. Rather, the purpose of this book is “to help you better understand God’s design for sex and your marriage, in order to help you approach sex in the right way. Romans 12:2 calls this process renewing your mind: We fill our minds with the truth of God’s word to drown out the lies of the world so that we might see real transformation.” When it comes to the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife, self-forgetfulness means our first concern is the pleasure of our spouse, not ourselves, and that we are committed to making our spouse feel safe and valued. We understand the entire sexual encounter as important and meaningful, and aren’t just trying to get to the “good part.” We are radically committed to sexual holiness and purity because we are far more committed to God’s glory than to our own pleasure.
Hanna pursues his theme through a series of 30 short chapters. The first set of them helps teach God’s design for sex, while the second set responds to the tragic reality of sexual brokenness and all the ways it impacts and interrupts sex within marriage. The heart of the book is the third set, which focuses on pursuing sexual satisfaction. You can probably get a sense of the author’s progression through a survey of some of the chapter titles: Sex is not the goal; lust or love?; the secret to a satisfying sex life; laying down your rights; self-forgetful sex is a lifestyle; how to be served; love your spouse (not someone else’s); learning how to pleasure your spouse; sex is for sinners.
Perhaps the most recurring theme, apart from the need for self-forgetfulness, is the need for open and honest communication. He expresses this often, dedicates one full chapter and several partial chapters to it, and offers a list of 52 conversation starters that spouses can use to discuss sex. I appreciate this focus since, in my own life and ministry, I have learned how difficult it can be for spouses to discuss sex without shame, embarrassment, defensiveness, and anger. Yet almost nothing is more important, and few practices reap greater benefit than simply speaking about these things.
What Hanna does through his book is help the reader understand that sex is not meant to be merely an occasional or repeated activity within marriage, but a part of a lifestyle of living in a self-forgetful way. Sex is not the reward for living this way; it is the natural and appropriate outcome. Knowing that one of the dangers of any marriage book is one spouse reading it on their own and then having different ideas or expectations than the other, he encourages husbands and wives to read it together, something I would also recommend. Sex and Self-Forgetfulness is hardly the first book for Christians that covers sexuality, yet it does cover it in some unique ways and from a unique angle. (Here’s one, for example, that both Hanna and I recommend.) I believe many couples will find it challenging, encouraging, and helpful.
