X-ATI guy has written a hilarious satirical article about how to capture a woman’s heart. Using the Bible as his guide, he invites us to use the same techniques Absalom used.
1. Remove Blemishes that Distract from your Appearance
2 Sam 14:25 But in all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him.
You may not be blessed with Absalom’s killer looks, but at least you can practice good hygiene and remove all blemishes that distract from your appearance.
2. Practice the Discipline of Rising Early
2 Samuel 15:2 And Absalom rose up early, and stood beside the way of the gate
God reserves special blessings for those who rise early, and every potential suitor should learn this principle. This discipline releases creative energy that can be harnessed for wooing a young woman.
3. Ask Precise Personal Questions
2 Samuel 15:2b and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him, and said, Of what city art thou?
Carefully-formed questions are the best way to get to know a young lady and these questions can be written and rehearsed as you rise early. Your questions reveal to a young lady that you are thinking carefully about the information you want from her. She will perceive your wisdom and her spirit will be blessed by your questions.
Do yourself a favor and read the whole thing here.
In my view good satire is difficult to tell from a real article. If you read something and think it could go either way, that is good satire. And that’s what this article is like. Though I’m sure he’s being satirical, this is hardly different from what you would hear in many churches today – principles drawn from the Bible that have absolutely nothing to do with the meaning of the passage.
Speaking of that, I thought I’d take this opportunity to take a dig at my good friend Chris who preached at our church on Sunday. He tells me he and Rod (the other pastor at his church) read my site on a consistent basis but just never stop in to comment. Anyways, before he went up to the front he was standing by the sound table and whispered to me “I hope I’m not going to read about how bad my sermon was on your site next week.” I promised him he would. But I’ll break that promise since his sermon was actually pretty good. He did a kind of “topical exposition” of the passage and gave people some good principles to apply to their lives. So Chris, you’re off the hook. For now. Of course I’m going to your church this Sunday so there’s still plenty of time to give me something to write about!
Now I only half believe that Chris actually reads this site, so I’m inviting him to post a comment to let me know he has read this…