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Talk: Secrets in Marriage
- 09/03/08
- 67
Admiral Lord Nelson once said, "Every sailor is a bachelor when beyond Gibraltar." They are profound words and ones well worth thinking about, and especially so in our modern context. I've written in the past about issues related to accountability and anonymity. Lately, though, I've been thinking a bit about these issues in a way strikes a little closer to home.
I recently had a discussion with a friend who was asking if I think husbands and wives should keep secrets from each other or if they should even have private realms to their lives. This is a broad topic, but to narrow it down, we discussed just the issue of email and asked, "Should husbands and wives have full access to each other's email accounts?" Obviously this might not apply to pastors or counselors or spymasters who may have a special need for privacy. But for the rest of us, I think it is a question worth asking and I'd love to get your feedback.
Should husbands and wives offer each other free and open access to their email accounts? Or should there be an implicit level of trust that makes such a measure unnecessary or perhaps even just plain wrong? Let's talk!
Incidentally, this is the first of what I hope will be many opportunities to discuss topics in a more interactive way.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I write books and blogs for fun while doing web design and consulting for a living. I worship and serve at 
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Comments (67)
I'm young, single, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. But I don't ever want to have anything in my life my future wife can't/won't know about. I should probably leave this discussion to the married folk.
I'll answer my own question.
Aileen and I keep our email accounts open to each other. I've told her that she is free to browse through my email anytime. I've got nothing to hide and want her to know so. This isn't to say that she actually does comb through my emails; rather, it simply means that if she ever has a moment of concern or insecurity, she is welcome to check up on me. And I know that I could do the same with her email. I find that this offers just a little bit of accountability and trust. I don't want to keep anything from her or have her believe that I'm keeping things from her. Having said all of that, I know that if I needed to keep something private and had a good reason to do so (perhaps a friend wrote me with a private concern) she would trust me and respect that privacy.
I see no reason why any couple should have email that is off limits to the other... Of course, there is no law against such a thing, and I can already hear the back and forth defense arguments justifying such a thing...but really...is it beneficial towards marriage?
When a couple marries, they become one flesh...they sacrifice their individual concerns for the well being of the other. Having a private email account is a time bomb waiting to happen...and probably is symptomatic of a struggle to not be transparent.
If women knew just how tempted men are with sex...they wouldn't let thier husband get away with it. If women knew just how vulnerable they are to either predatory men or bieng discontent with thier husband's failings...they wouldn't have one either.
Is this a law? No. No law in scripture says you can't. In my household...after only six years of marriage...we feel the attacks of our own weakness, inclination to sin, and the reality of Satan hating us for what our marriage represents: The joining of Christ and the Church.
For this reason, we have joint email.
Just my two cents...
My wife and I have agreed to have full access to one another's email accounts as well; we have no secrets from one another, and I agree that it provides accountability. You are right, though, that when someone emails one of us with a private issue in their own lives, we should ask the spouse not to view these emails, to respect the privacy of the third party.
My husband and I have separate and private email accounts, and I wouldn't want it any other way. That's how we discuss things like Christmas presents with the other person's family! Both families prefer things like multi-party emails to multi-party phone calls, and we plan all manner of surprises this way that wouldn't be possible with spousal access.
I, as a pastor, do have an email that is private. My wife knows how to get on, but she doesn't, as she understands the privacy needed. Beside that, we share one same account. She does have an old account that she keeps, and I can go check it as well. Once in a while, she asks me not to go (I don't go anyway), and most of the time it happens somewhere close to my birthday... coincidently.
My wife have open email accounts to each other, but I could see if your email account involved sensitive materials related to ministry that there *could* be a reason to keep it closed.
I'm a pastor, and all of my email is open to my wife. She knows my passwords for everything from my old college account to my facebook account, and I know hers. Like your wife, she doesn't check them, but should she ever want to they're there.
I have two e-mail accounts, one that my wife and I share, and one that I use for sites that have a stronger potential for spam. My wife has access to both accounts and I have nothing to hide from her concerning either account.
However, there are some things that I do think fall into the area of secret keeping that is permissible within marriage. I am thinking specifically of protecting our spouses propensity to sin. If I know that my wife would respond in an angry and sinful way to the way that someone has treated me in the course of business for example, then I would not tell her about that situation. Just a thought.
I am a newly-wed who is married to a pastor. One of the things I respect the most about him is that he has given me access to all his emails, sites, etc. Because of the huge number of men that fall into pornography or even immoral relationships via the internet, he wants to maintain accountability and openess with me. (Especially as a Christian leader!!) I appreciate this greatly...it had never even crossed my mind not to trust him, nor do I feel the need to "check up" on him, but I respect him more and feel safer knowing that he took this initiative.
Barbara (my wife) & I have completely open communication, but our email accounts are separate.
While I am not a pastor (though a Ruling Elder in the PCA), I interact with many of my male friends about sensitive personal issues - they would feel uncomfortable if my wife knew about them.
If Barbara were to ask me for the passwords, I would certainly allow her access to them. I am confident that she would respect the privacy of the friends who share personal issues in my emails.
We don't have separate email accounts.
I'm not married, but I believe that spouses should have access to each other's email accounts. Granted, you may want an account for ordering presents or planning a surprise, but otherwise I think it should all be fair game (except my work e-mail since I'm an attorney or in the case of other communications that should be confidential).
Side note: All of my married friends know that if I tell them something, I fully expect that they might share it with their spouse if they feel it is appropriate; I'm totally ok with that and often appreciate their spouses' input on the issue or prayer.
With the specific example of email accounts, yes, I can definitely see reasons to have separation. The same would go for other forms of communication. There are valid reasons why someone might want to communicate something confidentially to one spouse that is not intended for the other spouse. One example might be a confession of private sin. Another totally different example might be work-related communication that involves attorney-client privilege, doctor-patient privilege, or is not intended by the spouse's employer to be read by anyone other than that person.
Maybe there's a couple out there who doesn't have to do this, but my husband and I give each other unfettered access to emails and IM logs. We don't usually have any reason to look through them, but we both know each other's passwords, and it's not rare to have to go into an account to retrieve a mail with needed information.
Through a lot of hard experience I've found out that if my instinct is to hide something from my husband, it's probably getting into dangerous territory. And I know how easy it is for my heart to stray, even on something as innocuous as text on the screen.
I don't think it's necessarily wrong to have separate e-mail accounts that are private to each spouse, but I think the important question would be, "Why?" If it is because the husband is in ministry and needs a certain amount of privacy in certain correspondences, fine. But if it's never been talked about and when it is there is defensiveness on any part, it should definitely be something that is discussed further.
My wife and I share checking, savings, cell phones, bed, children, Bibles, and kitchen duties. Why wouldn't we share access to each others emails. Like most, we don't check each others, that I know of, but we can. I like it that way.
My wife and I were totally open about everything 'secret' before we married and because we were we entered marriage with a level of trust which has grown deeper over the past 22 years. If we enter a relationship with no secrets in the first place and make sure not to develop any, what's to hide? Because this is the case, I am free to access her email whenever I want and she is fine with that. It is natural to a trusting relationship.
She does not have the same access to my church email account because I am a pastor and there are emails she does not need to see on my screen in my church account. However, if she ever questioned my trustworthiness, I would go so far as to allow her to see all my email, for her sake. We will do whatever is needed to keep trust in our marriage.
For example, I already know she does not like females to have free access to me via email or texting or whatever; and so, I encourage ladies who seek counsel to contact me through my executive assistant or refer them to a mature woman in the church or to my wife. Also, I often leave my lap top at home and she knows my password and can access my computer, check my browsing history, etc., at will, although she cannot access my church email account.
In the end, each couple must develop their own parameters. A relationship built on solid trust from the begginning, however, makes privacy issues non-issues for the most part, because the nature of trusting relationships is openness in the first place.
It seems as though the prevailing sentiment here it that of openness. My wife and I also have full access to each others' emails, Facebook accounts, etc. I would see this in much the same light as managing finances, etc. When two become one, it seems as though that one-ness is hindered if one or both parties want to continue living a private life. That doesn't necessarily include counseling or pastoral situations. Even with sensitive information, though, when a friend asks if he can confide in me, I'll almost invariably say 'I won't tell anyone other than Tanya'. I don't see how privacy helps build up a marriage.
I hate it when an Elder or a Pastor comes home from counselling and tells his wife everything. Abhor it.
There are many possibilities that are possible here. One of my elders said that he does not share with his wife the things shared with him, because it would be a diservice to her to burden her with troubles like that. I have a history in the military. Many memories that are difficult for me to even remember, much less talk about, and just as the elder suggested, it would be wrong of me to burden my wife with those things of my past. Just as I do not ask her about painful things in her own. I believe, however, that if she really wanted to know it, I would share it as best I could. Just as if she really wanted to see my email. If I were to deny her, we'd both have to ask ourselves "Why"? What is there that he/she should not be seeing. I think that it is perfectly reasonable for each spouse to have things they can keep private, not discuss, and be trusted that nothing important to the full development of the relationship is being witheld. In a way this type of implicit trust is important. It allows each to have their private areas, an aspect that is important to each of us as individuals. But the knowledge that we are trusted, and not witholding things that would damage or build up the relationship creates a bond of not only trust, but comfort.
Think of it like this. When a police officer stops you, they will often ask you if you have any drugs or weapons in the car. They are often times simply asking to guage the response. If you come across as odd, they immediately become suspicious. Refusal to allow them may escalate the problem, making them more concerned than ever that you have something to hide.
In this same way, it is not that we have to always reveal our secrets, and our spouses should respect that. But if the question is raised, there should be a willingness to share or be open. Or have a very, very good reason why not.
My husband and I have been married just over a year. We have our own e-mail accounts. We keep no secrets from each other; but it never occurred to me to read his e-mail; sometimes I show him mine, if it might be of interest. Early on, when an old girlfriend started to send him e-mails he told me, and showed me the e-mails, and we decided together how he should deal with the situation (now there are no more of those). I know, if I asked he'd give me unlimited access to his, and vica versa - and I think that's as it should be. By the way, our little book business has an e-mail account which I am not allowed to check, because on rare occasion we get some very abusive messages from which he wants to protect me (sadly, brothers and sisters, these are usually from folks ordering Christian books, who find anonymity an excuse to mistreat folks).
My wife does not have my e-mail password, and I do not have hers. That said, both of us frequently leave our e-mail open on our shared computer. There is nothing to hide in there anyway...
In general, there should be no secrets. However, there are definitely times when I don't tell my wife everything. If someone tells me something in confidence, they have a right to have that confidence kept. If they confide in me via email, they have a right to have that email kept private.
My husband and I each have a couple of email accounts, facebook, blogger, etc. We both know each other's information and are both welcome to browse around into each other's accounts if we feel the need to, but at the same time we have a mutual trust that usually keeps up from looking into each other's email accounts. Unless my husband specifically asks me to check something or vice versa, we usually don't have the time or desire to read each other's email :) But knowing that it's open if I ever did feel insecure is nice. I think I'd rather just talk to him about my concerns in person first before I went searching through his email. But we feel that we're in pretty much everything together and share everything (besides the obvious like clothes and biblical duties and such).
Trust is risky. If I give my wife full access to all my emails ( which I do ) it is only a nice gesture but she still has to trust that I don't have a second email address that she is unaware of. It still comes down to trust.
An old saying goes something like "If you wouldn't want it said in a crowded room, don't put it in an e-mail." If I have something truly private to say, I pick up the phone,or better yet meet them in person. That being said, my wife and I share an e-mail account, and she is free to read anything she wants, although she doesn't really care to. There's nothing wrong with seperate e-mail accounts, but we haven't found a reason to do so. My wife is also free to browse through my web-browser history if she wants. And for accountability, I encourage her to look, but again, she doesn't.
I think this is the best advise of all the comments:
"We will do whatever is needed to keep trust in our marriage."Michael Burchfield (#18)
When I first got married I had a private email account and it never even occured to me that anyone would ever need the password besides me. My wife felt differently. She felt like she deserved to have the email password and I couldn't even begin to fathom a reason why anyone else should have it besides me. She offered me her email and I refused it. I knew I would never use it. Either we trust each other or we don't. However, we compromised. And by compromised I mean I caved. We have each others e-mail and she checks mine from time to time. It still drives me a little nutty because it still feels like she doesn't trust me everytime she does it but I just get over it and move on.
I'm a pastor and like many other, my wife and I share one email account and she is welcome to open any for me.However, Rich is right. If I wanted to be devious I obviously wouldn't have anyone send an email to this account, I would open another and keep it a secret.
So having an open, shared account between spouses is not the cause of trust, but rather the effect of a pre-existing trust.
my wife, and my children have mine.
For 26 years I've been married, and communication is still the major hang up. Openness is not a problem; we both know each other's passwords etc. Prior to salvation I was a thief, drug user/dealer, alcoholic etc; converted in jail enroute to prison; and my wife knows MUCH of that history; though not all (nor does anyone else). A HUGE help to us was the book "Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti" by the Farrells. Certainly not "deep," but very, very practical. Heartily recommended
My wife has a right to know anything about my life at any time, and that includes email. And I have a right to know anything about her life as well... It's essential for solid trust in any relationship for all parties to be totally transparent, and that's especially true in a marriage, because no relationship is as intimate. I can't see how one could have a 'private' email account that wouldn't create at least a tiny little sliver of a question in one's spouse. If it doesn't at the time, then it will sooner or later. I can't imagine having a separate account that my wife didn't have access to.
Same thing goes for separate bank accounts, separate anything. My wife and I are supposed to be "One", so I think we should do everything possible to remove any walls or appearances of division or secrets, or whatever.
Just my $0.02
My girlfriend and I both have passwords to each other's email, but it is more out of convenience than trust. If I am away from the computer for a day, then I may very well call her up and check on something for me.
As for the privacy issue with ministry, etc., I have generally appreciated a different path. I have never had a problem with a pastor/elder who said something like "I want you to know that the things said in here are private and I wont be going around talking about it with my friends, etc., but I also want you to know that my wife is my partner in all of life, including ministry, and so she and I might talk about how to best handle an issue or I might ask for her opinion on something. I hope that is not a problem for you, but I wanted to be honest with you upfront."
God said that a man and his wife are to become one flesh. That, among other things, means not maintaining a private life outside of the marriage. Open access is therefore the best policy.
I do not think e-mails should be open to both spouses.Even though I do not hold an official office in the church I do have friends that send me confidential stuff for accountability that my wife does not need to see.It is really easy to set up multiple e-mail accounts.I have a work one.I have one I use when I register for stuff so I don't have to deal with spam and one I use to talk to friends and family.So how would one spouse know if they are looking at the only e-mail? In this issue it comes down to absolute trust, because you just can't monitor your spouse 24/7.
My husband and I have access to each other's e-mail accounts and it is understood that they are open for the other to read if they want... unless it's close to your birthday! We wouldn't want to spoil any surprises. :)
We share everything, including our personal e-mail account. I have an e-mail account at work, but I am not allowed to share it with anyone. I have an e-mail account at Yahoo.com that I use to give websites when they ask for it. It's mostly just full of spam. She doesn't have the password to it and I never thought about it. I check it irregularly just in case there is something in there. Every once in a while I reserve something and my confirmation e-mail is in there. I need to give her the password to it.
Interesting question.
Personally, I don't like it when couples share an email address. If I want to email my friend about something, I don't like knowing that her husband might read it. In fact, I have a friend whose husband often replies to my emails before she does!
My husband gets most of his personal emails at work now, so that is a private danger zone for him. For our separate personal accounts (which I still use all the time), we each know each other's passwords, and while neither of us snoop, I like knowing that it's possible at any time. It protects both of us.
Also, I wanted to say "hi," because we'll be meeting in November in the DR (this is my personal blog link, but I'm representing 5 Minutes for Mom).
Like many of the other commenters, I have access to all my husband's accounts, we can see eachother's browing history, etc. We do have a sort of moratorium at Christmas and birthday seasons.
But as Mike B. alludes to, there's so much more to "digital" integrity, and there don't seem to be a lot of Christians out there talking/writing about it. Facebook, for example. I've loved reconnecting with old friends and letting my interactions with my Christian and non-Christian friends overlap eachother. But there are issues like how often do I initiate contacts with other men? If it's someone I knew well prior to mariage, I try and also connect with their wives, but then feel awkward about that. Will the wife understand that I am trying to be above board, or will she worry that I have evil motives? Because the Christian blogosphere is somewhat tilted in the male direction, I struggle with how to interact with Christian brothers in a way that affirms their helpfulness and ministry to me and my family, while very seriously wanting to avoid the appearance of evil. So much of the digital world is about the individual, rather than a couple or a family, and I wonder what we as Christians should be doing to counter that.
Sorry, that's probably a little too far afield for this topic, but it really prompted those questions. Maybe this could be a series??? :)
And full disclosure. Mike Burchfield is my pastor and so great at tackling some seriously thorny issues in a thoughtful, God-saturated way. I'm actually hoping HE'll turn this topic into a series.... :)
My wife is free to look into my email. I would never want to be having conversations that I want to keep from her.
As far as the broader subject of secrets in marriage, I think that there's a line to tread. I think that you should never have areas of your life that your wife is not aware of. But I don't think you should use your wife as a confessional for every sin either. For example, with pornography. If you struggle with that, I think your wife should know, but I also think that it's best to work through any ongoing issues with a brother who will not be emotionally hurt by a continious battle like a wife would.
Am I off on this?
This Facebook group is relevant to the discussion: "sharing an email address or facebook with your spouse makes you a spare". You should all join.
Email is probably one of the least likely ways for husbands and wives to keep secrets from each other, especially since we're constantly being treated to TV cop shows where some juicy tidbit comes out in an email. I would think texting by cellphone would be the more common way for a wayward spouse to carrying on an indiscretion.
The better question here would be to ask how much openness is too much. The single worst piece of advice I received as a husband-to-be is "You can tell your wife anything."
When practiced fully, that advice only creates problems, not openness. It is a good thing that God made it so that our minds don't verbally communicate every single thing we think. Sometimes thoughts that are totally harmless can be misconstrued, leading to problems. Or there's the problem of too much information. Picking and choosing what to say is probably the better route, and some personal failings are just better left unrevealed. Inundate your spouse with too many little failures and it only breeds distrust and weariness, even if those things aren't major sins. You might just be tired. Tell your spouse you're tired a couple times every day for a week and it will work against you, for sure.
depends on the job, pastor? the wife doesn't need to know gossip about someone else's relationship that is falling apart, work in a factory (which i have done) with tons of women who may sleep around, it's a good idea.
The pastor doesn't need to know gossip either :)
Trust is risky. If I give my wife full access to all my emails ( which I do ) it is only a nice gesture but she still has to trust that I don’t have a second email address that she is unaware of. It still comes down to trust.
This is obviously a fair point and one that has been raised by a few people. My wife and I both know that we could easily start some secret email account and do all kinds of devious things. But I think the point remains that by keeping my main account(s) open, I'm showing that I have little to hide. A little secrecy may point to a desire for even greater secrecy.
My wife and I have unique email addresses, but they both point to a common account that winds up in the same inbox. If there is ever a need for secrecy (church business, surprises, etc.), we warn each other not to read a particular email. Never been an issue.
Hi, my husband and I have access to each other's emails too. (As well as other passwords like bank accounts, insurances, etc..) It wasn't quite meant for acocuntability but more for emergency (just in case anything untoward were to happen to either of us, we'll know what accounts needs to be closed, etc...) [Ok...i know it sounds a little morbid....but we don't know what happens tomorrow and we just felt it'll help make things a lot less stressful when things like that happen.)
Interesting topic of privacy & e-mail. Personally, I don't plan to have a joint e-mail account with my future husband; it would not be very useful as it would be hard to tell if something had been read or not and it would end up being cluttered, etc, if everyone e-mailed us to the same account. My boyfriend and I use e-mail a lot, and if we marry, we'll just keep our individual private accounts. However, if we marry, if he looks over my shoulder he should feel free to ask me if he's wondering about something, and I think he'd rather I ask him if I saw something questionable than feel uncomfortable and over-wonder about something.