Good series of articles, Tim.

As a single, I should be thinking these things through now, so that I have a better understanding of how to approach this issue in marriage - and know how to bring it up with potential wives.

I’m a bit wary of the pill, and would probably prefer other methods - I, like you, believe that birth control CAN be used, but that it must not be abortive, nor can it be for selfish reasons (“well, I just don’t want any more children at the moment, even though our family could handle more.”)

“seems like pretty good reason not to have them. There are things that some grown ups will never learn if they don’ t have kids. There are also some grown-ups that shouldn’t be inflicted upon children no matter how resilient they are.”

If you dislike children you probably shouldn’t have them. But if dislike children you should definitely bring this before the Lord and ask Him to change you! And then have kids…

Sorry - Make that “fertility” not “family” awareness

Thanks for the thoughtful post Tim. Here’s the part I have trouble with though and I’ve written about it previously here on my blog.

Isn’t birth control simply man acting upon his own will, versus turning control over to God, as we should? Sex is kind of a unique case because we perform the act, but God in his sovereign power decides if a child is conceived. If we prevent the act in any way, aren’t we circumventing God? Doesn’t God know better than we what we need? How can we ourselves possibly come up with a better reason than God that we should or shouldn’t have a child?

Am I missing something here?

Thanks,Jon “Junction” ThorsenThe Search For Purpose

Tim don’t get me wrong, I think kids are just the best ever. I agree with you competely that they are a blessing. Thanks for adding the part I left out about ‘going to the Lord to be changed’. I think we need to do that WAY more often than we do.

Josh”…the word of God is not bound.”—2 Timothy 2:9

Excellent post, Tim… well written and thoughtful.

Ann (the childless Ann… I see another Anne has joined us… welcome, Anne… I’ll start adding my last intial so we can be more easily identified)

Peter, I don’t see how your analogy applies. Are you trying to compare having children to being rescued from a flood? Or not using birth control to testing God?

Would you agree that God alone gives the gift of life?

i’m curious to hear that grace community mp3 about birth control. the fact that the pill is potentially abortive makes me think that i’d probably have to side with you and your wife; i don’t know how one could take it in good conscience.

also, i can’t help mentioning that Michael Frields is the doctor who delivered me when i was born, which was twenty years ago today. i just thought that was kind of cool/weird.

God uses means for His purposes and remains sovereign whether we use birth control measures or not. Indeed He does open or close the womb. He also gives gifts through His common grace and science and technology for man to investigate and use in wisdom. He may perfectly use a means to temporarily close the womb for a season…… I see the various forms of birth control, in all sorts of cultures (developed or otherwise) throughout the centuries as being the use of God ordained means - in fact grace gifts for mankind.

I recall my previous comment which was a bit tongue in cheek. God in His wisdom alone has His definite number of elect people. Even though I postulated that birth control seemingly puts the sovereignty in man’s hands (take that as mankind - women/men) as to the number of children and potentially elect children that may or may not be conceived - none of which can ever take away God’s sovereignty.

I am writing as a 50 yo plus man ….. As a young married couple my wife and I implemented measures to prevent pregnancy occurring. I was undertaking undergraduate study at university at the time, she had only begun lowly employment. I had come through some harrowing childhood experiences and was now entering adulthood as a very young husband. We married because it was biblical and correct to do so. It seemed good/right/wise, or whatever, that we delay having children until we were better established to care and nurture them. That is not to say that another couple could have been lead to have them in the same circumstances - and as I write I think of a fellow Christian undergraduate in similar circumstances and his young wife who in fact did start a family in similar circumstances. Were either of us 2 couples ‘wrong’ or more correct before the Lord? In His grace , I do not believe so. We were just 2 different families exercising gospel freedom - to God’s glory. Neither more right or more wrong, neither more blessed, less blessed. I’m sorry but I am personally not convinced that we are commanded to have as many children as possible throughout our reproductive lives. I would say though, if you are convinced otherwise - may God bless you too - as He does in His abundant grace bless us who believe that there are means available to restrict our family size.

What scares me though is a legalism which puts pressure on families to have as many children as possible, and this is what I was alluding (probably poorly) to in a previous post. There are leaders and otherwise in some churches who guilt trip families into having as many children as possible. You are “outside God’s will if you don’t have as many children as possible”…… “The church will not grow unless you have children”…… “you are being disobedient and sinful if you don’t have as many children as possible”, “you MUST exercise faith brother/sister that the Lord will provide” - all the time knowing that there are real issues in your family that might be better of served by not having children at a particular time. You must avoid that Pharisaical type leadership - it is not wise gospel centred leadership.

As Tim points out so clearly - these are areas of gospel freedom. Yes we all need to search are hearts and motives, in this area of life as in all of life.

May I conclude by saying that we have 6 beautiful God given children - 4 born alive and are now growing into men and women of faith, 2 which died in utero. God is good!

I also wonder about good reasons to use contraceptives. Apart from the health and safety of the mother, I can’t think of anything. Tim’s Bad Reason #3 (Selfishness) pretty much sums up all of the reasons I can conceive for why a couple wouldn’t want to risk conceiving. (Sorry, bad pun.) I’m an evangelical Protestant; but on the issue of birth control I think I stand more closely with my Roman Catholic brothers and sisters.

Blake asked: What are the good reasons?

Dear Blake

I’m writing as non-north american….

I’m not sure whether there are ‘good reasons’ but there are reasons, which God in his wisdom, grace and providence, gives to each individual couple - which must therefore be good. Then there are reasons which clearly are unwise and selfish reasons - in fact sinful reasons in rebellion against God - greed and selfishness would seem to be upper most here. (In third world countries there might well be good reasons to restrict the size of families - and I speak from first hand experience, not from theory or by pontificating from a distance).

When we were first married, I was studying for a university degree, my wife was just starting at her first job after finishing uni (she being older than myself). We did not have much money, we lived in a 1 room apartment - no great shakes, so do many people when they’re first married. My wife was sole income earner and for her to have become pregnant would have placed us in economic position whereby I could not have completed a five year medical degree. (My calling at that stage in life was to work in the medical field, which I have done since graduation.) In addition at the beginning of our marriage I was coming to grips with a number of tragic family circumstances, and frankly could not have coped with being a father so soon after marriage. So it seemed ‘good to us’ (ala it seemed wise before God) to use contraception - a technology which I believe God has given us for good - temporarily delaying the beginning of our family.

However having completed my degree I could then be a supportive husband to my wife and so we then attempted to have children. It took several years and 2 miscarriages later, but God then allowed us to have 3 children in quick succession. We then had our fourth many years after our other 3 children. Where do we stand now? Do we still practice family planning now? Yes - but not with active intervention…… maybe we’re just too haphazard with the technology… but we avoid intercourse based on the time of the cycle. Why would we want to restrict the size of our family? Because we believe God is moving us to begin ministry in a third world country where by having dependent children, it would be very impractical to achieve that which God is giving us to do. In addition my wife has some medical issues. Then there are issues of care, finance, education etc….. I know these things can change and be provider for - we live under His sovereign providence, but remain convinced that it is not against the will of God if we seek to now restrict our family to four children.

So to summarise - each person needs to be convinced in their own mind but not lay a burden which is inconsistent with gospel thinking on any other.

Grace to you.

This may seem harsh —- but I wonder if a couple should delay marriage until they are ready for children. Many of you have listed education as a reason for not having children….it seems to me these are perfectly legitimate reasons for not getting married. It seems a bit selfish to say to a woman, “I’m not quite ready to support you or a child but I still want to have sex with you so let’s get married.”

Dear MandiI’m sorry - it was better and biblically correct to marry - ‘better to marry than to burn’. Again I feel no biblical condemnation from having delayed having children within wedlock and my the gracious means God had provided. I would have been condemned though if my passions caused me to commit fornication.

Only one thing you said concerned me, and that was about the “rhythm method” and abstinence being possibly unbiblical if one partner struggled with lust.

While couples are not to deny one another, that doesn’t mean sex on demand any day or time. Orthodox Jews observe a specified time of abstinence centered around a woman’s cycle (a period around the period, so to speak), as they believe God commanded to Moses (see Lev. 15, and 20:18). I’m not saying that Christians are bound by these laws, btw, but these certainly would indicate that a length of time as long as 7 days is not “denying” one another excessively. (Yes, men had multiple wives, but that was not God’s plan for marriage.)

Of course, most of the time, a period does not last 7 days, and neither does a woman’s optimal fertile time. So, if a couple wishes to delay or avoid children, they may have to abstain approximately an extra 4 days a month around her fertile time. I don’t think this comes close to denying one another. If so, why would we expect a man to wait, for example, after a woman has given birth — if he lusts, must she accomodate him or is she otherwise denying him in opposition to scripture?

By the way, I second the guy above who recommended natural family planning and noted that it is NOT just the “rhythm method” that Tim dismissed so readily.

I’m single, so I realize that I haven’t walked a mile in the shoes of those who have to make these decisions. Or, I could more accurately say, those who get to make these decisions. Facing 40, I find myself struggling with (unexpressed) anger toward those friends who are in their early 30’s and have decided to limit their families to one or two children (and taken definitive steps toward permanent prevention). I find it hard to imagine why they would so limit the blessing of children that I desire but God has not provided (and I suspect married but infertile couples struggle with the same issues).

By the way, this does not mean that I think every couple should try to have as many children as physically possible - it’s absurd to assume that those who don’t believe in using birth control think that pregnancies should follow one on top of another as soon as physically possible. Of course, in biblical times, women would exclusively breast feed longer, which would delay a return to fertility. (And to address the inevitable comments, yes, I know that breast feeding - especially as done by most women today - is not necessarily reliable birth control.)

Very interesting and thoughtful discussion (and well kept free of acrimony), thank you.

A few thoughts, though.

1) Pregnancy is harsh on a woman’s body. It depletes the strength of her bones, saps her muscular strength and so on and so forth. It takes time (read, years) to recover from this and I don’t think it’s unreasonable (or selfish) for a couple to space their children apart to guard the health of the mother. Often the full effects of too many children too close together are only seen much later in life with bones weakened with severe osteoporosis, and so forth.

2) I also agree with what some of the people above have said. We have not heard much in defence of valid reasons for using birth control. This would be a valuable addition to the debate.

3) Someone suggested that those not ready for children should not marry. I agree to the extent that if you are not prepared to face the possibility of children you should not marry (nothing but abstinence being a perfect method), but I don’t necessarily think that means you should wait until you are ready for a child, to marry.From my own perspective, my husband and I have been married less than a year; we aren’t in a position to lose my income, and if I’m honest I am neither ready nor willing to become a mother at this point - but I am committed to becoming so.That doesn’t mean God wouldn’t provide if I did become pregnant; it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t be healed enough to cope with motherhood; it doesn’t mean that my heart wouldn’t fill with love and joy and blessing at the experience. But it does mean that we make the choice to wait before having children - but our marriage is such a joy and blessing that I cannot believe that God wouldn’t want us to share it in the meantime.

4) And one last thought…I know that the reluctance of young women like myself can be painful to people who haven’t been blessed with children. This is not something I write wanting to hurt anyone, as I can’t control what they have and don’t have. But when I look at my life and with reverence and in obedience to God as best I understand it make my decisions, I would hope no one would condemn me for choosing to focus on other things before becoming a mother. There is so much to life that I would like to learn and experience and do, so much that is difficult or impossible with a young child, I find it hard to understand that anyone would begrudge me a little time for other things first. Once a mother I will never be able to go back, that burden and responsibility and duty will always be there.

I hope this is a useful contribution…

I would also argue that God designed women to bear children and that pregnancy alone is not “harsh” on her body. Stress is harsh on the body. We can make good decisions about how we care for the body. In my studies, I have not seen that pregnancy is a time of depletion of the bones (it is a time of positive calcium absorption) or saps muscular strength (we don’t have to become inactive through pregnancy.) Lifestyle choices in how we live, work, and eat are more important. I am much more healthy after bearing nine children than my mother was after bearing only two. The stress of a full time job has taken a much bigger toll on her health than my life of less money and more kids.

Just wanted to say that science hasn’t proven the statements made by a previous response.

As for potentially bringing children into the world that might go to hell- whew, I am glad that I am part of a church family that doesn’t believe that. I prefer to see it as a potential to build the Kingdom.

I write concerning the use of the pill… The medical literature describing the action of the pill is clear… it prevents a fertilized egg (person) from implanting (abortion).

Unless Dr. Frields et al have done the research necessary to determine that this has never happened, and will never happen, then the possibility of abortion exists (regardless of the perceived liklihood), thereby making it an illegitimate choice of a contraceptive for Christians who don’t want to murder, whether by knowledge or by ignorance.

A professional’s “feelings” don’t count as much as the hard scientific evidence. But, who is going to perform such experiments to verify the truth or falsehood of the statements of the pill manufacturers? Do they have any interest in doing so? Can Christian leaders? Dr. Frields? Nazis? Who would stand to benefit from the tests?

Funny thing this argument boils down to one point for me, “The sovereign control of God to open and close the womb in spite of our best efforts to prevent or propagate.” But maybe this is just the Calvinist inside me screaming a point.

Wow, Tim. You really like to stir the pot, don’t you? I thought your post to be well thought-out, we reasoned, well put. Thanks.

I shouldn’t have read the comments, however, because it really hurts me to see the condemnation believers have for each other. Just saying “I’m not condemning anyone, BUT…” does not make it less of a condemnation.

To say that one’s choice to not have children at some point is arrogant infers a motive that the writer would have no way of knowing. To say that having sex with your spouse is self-centered if you’re using birth control is just a bit presumptuous. Engaging one’s spouse in one of the deepest forms of the expression of marital intimacy, seeking to give one’s spouse pleasure, is not self-centered.

Finally, why is it said to be selfish to not have children at some point in the marriage? One could say you are being selfish by having children. Selfishness is a motive, and one can only surmise what someone else’s motives are. I tire of people ascribing selfishness, or whatever motive, to others.

Tim:

I would agree that one could be selfish by having children - for example the 66 year old woman who lied to have IVF. Like, this woman can be seen as selfish because she considered her own desire to have a child above the likely good of the twins born prematurely to a single mother who is 66 (this same combination of donated egg and sperm could have been implanted in a more suitable candidate and would likely face a very different life). In this sense, this has become all too common to be selfish not just in decisions to have children - especially in situations that would not result in children in nature, such as a lesbian couple having “their” baby - but also in wanting to “design” the perfect child and abort any seen as less than desirable.

But just because one can be selfish in having children does not mean that we should not consider the selfishness that may be part of the decision to not have children. And considering motives that are common in a situation is not the same thing as impugning someone’s motives given a specific situation.

Plus, we tend to think of selfish in terms of whether we make a decision without taking others (humans) into account, because that is the most common, everyday usage of the word. But, one can be selfish by not taking God into account even if one would not normally ascribe a selfish motive in our everyday usage of the word. (In fact, we can take other humans into accounty and not take God into account). Undoubtedly, we are all selfish because even if we take God “into account”, we are still in the process of sanctification and thus take ourselves too much into account and God too little into account in everything we do. The point of sanctification, I gather, being to take us from “more me, less God” to “more God, less me”.

But I don’t think that to say something is selfish because it puts a person’s desires before God’s desire is ascribing a “selfish motive” in the same manner as the everyday usage of this word.

ANY form of birth control which involves chemicals has the potential to act as an abortifacient. That is why they are so “effective”.

Is anyone here aware of the fact that until 1930, EVERY major denomination of Christians condemned ALL artificial methods of birth control as immoral and “tearing asunder” what “God hath joined together? For 1900+ years, the church fought on just about every doctrinal matter imaginable, but Christians stood shoulder to shoulder on this issue. For more information, you can check out www.ccli.org.

Dear Mandi,You have raised a good point. In the end it boils down to whether God is actually controlling and influencing everything we do and everything that happens to us. If He wants someone on the pill to become prgnant will be cause her to miss a pill and thereby cause a pregnancy. if He doesn’t want her to become pregnant will he prevent conception even at her fertile time? I personally do not believe God controls at the level of the fine details and that we have to have responsibility for the outcome of our decisions and not just say that God’s will is going to determine every detail. So the babies’ souls may come from God, but I don’t believe he preordains exactly who is going to have those babies and when or what exact embroyos those souls end up in. I know a lot of people feel otherwise, however. To use a less emotional example, since I teaxhc at a college, why should students bother to study for my exams? I could argue that if it is God’s will for them to get an A in my class, he will cause them to remember the answers to the questions without studying. And if it is God’s will for them to fail, no matter how hard they study it will not make a difference.

“For 1900+ years, the church fought on just about every doctrinal matter imaginable, but Christians stood shoulder to shoulder on this issue.”

I do think that this is something that is often overlooked in our culture where the majority of people believe Birth Control is not only acceptable, but even encouraged. Of course we should not make arguments solely on the tradition of various denominations, but the fact that Eastern Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Lutheran, Weslyan, Reformed, Anglican, etc., have all agreed on this issue should at LEAST make us think very carefully before declaring that it is perfectly acceptable, indeed condemning those would suggest otherwise as “Pharisaical.”

In Christ alone,mike

Mike, I would ask that if you take issue with what I say you direct your response to me rather than indicting the entire group while “quoting” only my statements.

That said, I don’t think you’re quite understanding my stance. To begin, I never called Emily arrogant, but rather called my own thinking arrogant and warned not to make my same mistakes. If the “glove fits” so to speak, then my message wil have personal meaning in her life. It would be irresponsible of me as a sister in Christ to not share my own shortcomings in order to help prevent another from going down the painful road.

The idea of birth control cheapening sex is something that I see again and agian with my work in the prolife community. Because the reproductive and, indeed, consummative aspect of sex is seen as a “failure” the overall act of sex is weakened. When partners are refusing part of themselves, it is impossible to fully give to the other. It is common sense that one can not both hold back and give fully.

While I agree that seaking to give your partner pleasure is far from selfish, if the gift of pleasure is not accompanied by the gift of self, it becomes a gift of hedony rather than love.

I understand that this is not the thought process of birth controling couples, but it is the natual consequence of seeking to seperate the end from the means so to speak.

The issue becomes even more profound when we realize how the birth control mentality has affected the abortive mentality. Children are seen as a “failure”. I can not reiterate this enough. The paradigm of children as blessing is replaced by one of children as curse. It is not a far reach then, for parents to “fix” the curse through abortion.

I ask that my words are considered. I know that to be against birthcontrol is not a popular position, but it is one that I feel very strongly against. I worry that the mentality is so infused in our society that my loving words seem overly harsh.

Our societies views on birth control and children have influenced the body of Christ. I pray that Christians will evaluate their worldview and prayerfully consider to stop the use contraception.