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A Brief Theology of Desire
- 12/24/10
- 12
A couple of days ago I received an email from a young man who reads this site and he asked a rather simple question: How am I to react to sexual desire? As a teenager, unmarried and with marriage in the distant future rather than the near future, he wanted to know how God would have him understand sexual arousal.
That took me a little bit of thought, but here is how I think a young man can understand sexual arousal.
Sexual Arousal Motivates Marriage. Arousal points you to the fact that God wants you to marry. The fact that you feel sexual desire is a good and God-given thing—he uses it to point you toward marriage. Sexual desire is a part of how God has wired men so that they will pursue a bride. So in that way, see it as something that is not inherently evil. Arousal is evil only if it is improperly acted upon or if it leads to sin.
Sexual Arousal Preaches Imperfection. The very fact that you feel sexual desire tells you that you are incomplete—incomplete without a wife with whom you can find satisfaction and fulfillment of that desire. And I think this kind of incompletion can point you to the wider reality that we live in an incomplete world marred by the realities of sin. There may be a deeper lesson in unfulfilled sexual desire.
Sexual Arousal Teaches Self-Control. Young men who continually give in to sexual desire by acting out on it through masturbation train themselves—their minds and bodies—that they need and deserve sexual release whenever they feel desire. And yet that is not how life works. Even married men with loving wives and great sex lives deal with a great deal of unfulfilled sexual desire. So this is an opportunity to train yourself, while still young, that sexual desire can and must be controlled if it is to be something that is properly stewarded to the glory of God.
In the end, if you trust the Lord, you can know that there is no temptation that must cause you to sin. The Holy Spirit gives you the ability, the power, to stand strong in the face of even the most difficult torment. So in those moments when desire is aroused and when it feels like torture, you need to plead the cross, you need to preach the gospel to yourself. In those moments you need to know that Christ died to forgive sin and he rose to overcome the power of sin and death. So you can remain unstained by sexual sin.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (12)
Great response to his question. I just heard this message by John Piper that could be helpful as well: “How to Deal with the Guilt of Sexual Failure for the Glory of Christ and His Global Cause” (from Passion 07): http://desiringgod.org/resource-library/conference-messages/how-to-deal-…
Wish I had heard this years ago!
Great perspective on this. I wonder if we focus on beating down the sin of sexual immorality instead of understanding what that desire is there for.
I also see the counterpart from the woman’s desires as equally applicable. The desire to be loved and cared for are responses to what we were designed for. I think sometimes this is spurned as not being fulfilled in Christ or being content.
really really good thoughts.
Tim, could you post some scripture to back this please?
I know this is a biblical stance, but scripture on what you said would be great.
Thanks. :)
I join the list of those have commended your comments as very well put.
Great reply. This encapsulates the “one flesh” argument that Jesus makes in regards to Gen. 1 & 2.
I think there would be much less ‘sexual tension’ if we encouraged young people to marry sooner instead of pursuing college/career goals first. Al Mohler had a great article on this awhile back as well.
As a sailor and career Navy man, I’ve had to go months with this sort of unfulfillment and desire. I’ve been pure in many senses of the word pure, and less so in other senses. There are ways that I may understand this young man’s trail better than others, and I can say that it is rough. I like what you write regarding this. Very wise. Thank you for working us through it.
Just brilliant. That is all.
how might older men and women (late 20s +) understand sexual arousal? is it any different from the advice written here for this young boy?
For those of us waiting for the day a boy takes interest in and pursues us - the issue of sexual desire is a real one and is particularly taboo for women.
We are so longing for and desiring marriage, partnership and yes, sexual intimacy. Woman’s bodies are designed for arousal also. We burn. We know we are made for intimacy. We long to express our sexual desires in marriage… so as we wait we need deal with the frustration while remaining self controlled and pure.
My top 5 tips for women:1. Exercise… going for a run takes the edge of the sexual burn.
2. Talk about it with a good godly girlfriend. Don’t pretend you don’t battle with it. We all do - often for women its a taboo topic. But if men are wired for sex, with women - the flip side is also true. Women are wired for sex, with men. And you don’t need to be a martyr. And as this blog post suggests… you were made for sexual intimacy and so not being able to enjoy it or express yourself in this way is hard. The consequences of living with imperfection/effects of sin are real.
3. Set your mind on things above. Do scripture memory. Remind yourself of the promises and many blessings in Christ. The Lord will supply your every need and renew your strength.
4. Don’t pursue intimacy with non-Christian men. Although it is hard to refuse attention from them, Jesus is worth far more than these men can offer.
5. Above all treasure Jesus above all else and pursue after his heart… he is reckless in his pursuit of you and cherishes you. You (and all his people) are his treasured possession!
This holds true for people of all ages - the widowed, divorced yet not remarried, those who have a mate with health issues, etc. etc. Masturbation is not discussed in the Bible…..
Thank you, Tim - great post that’s applicable for both men and women, at all ages.
To build on the excellent advice given by Anonymous 12/25 @ 4:00am (which I think is also great for men too) —
1 Peter 5:6-7, cast all cares on Christ, even the sexual ones. When you find your mind wandering to inappropriate places, or get frustrated because you don’t have sexual release… cast those thoughts and desires on Christ, and worship/praise Him. This is not a burden that he is unable to bear (Psalm 68:19).
Hi! Yes i agree to you Tim. I am in my early 20s. recently i challenged my self to not masturbate or give way to sexual thoughts. For the past six months i can see myself breaking free! Much more in control! It makes it easier to refuse sexual temptations!