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Christians and Accountability
- 03/09/09
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Today I want to say a word about Christians and accountability groups or accountability partnerships. I am not sure if Christians have always spoken as much of accountability as we do today or if this has been a happy result of organizations such as Promise Keepers. I guess I have not been an adult Christian long enough to know.
I am convinced there is great benefit in Christians pursuing accountability relationships, at least in some situations. It is valuable, I believe, for Christians to meet on a regular basis to confess sin, to speak of God’s grace, to share triumphs, to ask tough questions and to pray for one another. I meet every week among a group of leaders from my church and just about every week somebody asks one of these questions: “Is there anything you really do not want to talk about?” or “Is there something you should tell us that you’re hoping nobody will ask?” These are good questions, leading questions, that cause us to probe our hearts a little bit to see if there is something we ought to confess. As leaders and potential leaders in the church, we desire transparency; we believe the Bible demands it.
As much as there has been great personal benefit in these times of accountability and in living with the specter of accountability, I’ve seen as well that there is one drawback; not surprisingly, it is a drawback related to my own sin. A little while ago I was reading a book review by Erik Raymond and thought he brought this out so succinctly. “Accountability is often quite helpful,” he said. “However, many times folks end up fearing their ‘accountability partner’ while remaining numbly void of a healthy fear of God. This does not kill the root of sin, but unwittingly increases a fear of man (idolatry).”
I know that this has been something I’ve been prone to. Because of my accountability relationships I find myself putting sin to death, or at least refusing to give in to sin and temptation of various kinds. But often, when I look to my heart, I see that my motive is hardly pure. I am motivated by not wanting to have to admit or confess such sin to another person. Every week, before we meet, we fill out a sheet that asks a variety of questions: have I been faithful to pray for the men and women of the church this week? Have any of my financial dealings failed to be filled with integrity? Have I given sufficient time to my family? Have I fallen into any kind of sexual sin? Did I take a day off this week? Though this is a helpful way of examining my week, looking back to see evidence of sin in my life and evidence of God’s grace, I know that my heart is often motivated more by a desire not to confess sin to other men than it is to honor God. In other words, I am often motivated more by fear of man than I am by a fear of God.
I’ve (quite literally) laid awake some nights, wondering what is going on in my heart that I’d be more concerned about what my friends and pastors think of me than I am by a desire to obey God. If I want to be very pragmatic, I can rejoice that at least I am not sinning; without accountability I might be more likely to give in to temptation. After all, if that were the case, only God might ever know. If no one was going to ask me whether I’ve been faithful to pray for the people of the church, I would be more likely not to pray. But I pray, at least in part because I know that I will have to answer the question, “Did you pray for the men and women of the church this week?”. But then I wonder, what kind of prayers am I offering if they are motivated by fear of man instead of obedience to God? Does God even want to hear such prayers? What if they are 50% obedience, 50% fear of man? Or 80% obedience and 20% fear or man?
I think Erik nails it when he says accountability may give opportunity not to kill the root of sin, but to actually increase a fear of man. This is not the fault of accountability, I’m sure, but of the individual’s sinful heart. It’s my fault, not accountability’s. There is some kind of idol in my life that values the acceptance of man or a desire to perform well in the eyes of man more than it desires to be obedient to God for the sake of God. At least, that’s the only explanation I can offer.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (31)
You’ve probably hit on something that many of us need to work through in our accountability groups etc. So easy to fer the guys knowledge of our sin more than God’s!
Even if not sinning is because of a fear of man at times, it’s possible that the ‘fear of man’ sin might be ‘better’ than the alternative (at least in the eyes of others, if they see the other sin). Or not, maybe they’re at the same level. I’m not in an accountability group, but, I suppose they could painfully helpful depending upon how much one shared…and I wonder, even if it’s the ‘fear of man’ that at first motivates certain behaviors or motivates stopping behaviors, I wonder if that motivation might change and that the good habits that might result might be just that, and the fear of man may subside (I suppose a test of that would be if the accountability group stopped meeting or stopped meeting in the same way or stopped asking about certain things, to see how the behavior goes…)
Tim: Excellent post. This is an ongoing soapbox of mine. Giving and receiving confession, bearing burdens, and forgiving sin are precious disciplines (gifts full of blessing!) for the Church that we have relegated to pastors and which we need to reclaim. Doing so is problematic. Gossip is rampant, aided by instant, anonymous communication. Who do I trust to reveal my sin to?
Rebuilding a gentle, covenant Christian culture is akin to the work of Josiah or Nehemiah (maybe both) and will require persistent generational, not instant, solutions. However, covenant (accountability) groups and broader efforts like Stephen Ministries (http://www.stephenministries.org/) are excellent places to begin today as we shore up our behavioral walls, purge the meaner parts of culture from the fellowship and teach the practical aspects of confession and forgiveness.
One other point. My sense of God’s plan in sanctification is for us to work from the physical and the Spirit to work from the spiritual. My heart and my head are rarely in the same place. Acting out God’s discipline is valuable for his purposes even when, maybe especially when, I don’t feel it is.
Tim,
Good post. I think one of the problems we have, particularly in America as regards accountability is that we have ‘privatized’ our Christianity so much. We’ve arrived at the point of ‘Hey, my faith is not your business’ or ‘that’s between me and the Lord’. Such thinking is incredibly unbiblical. In a nutshell, I suppose it all comes down to biblical church discipline doesn’t it?
Peter Gillquist said it this way: “We have become a nation of self-lovers. Nothing is too sacred to leave-if we feel like it. We leave school if it gets boring, or difficult; we leave home and parents if we’re displeased; we leave jobs, our marriages, and our churches.”
Bottom line is, as he said ‘we now have “churchless born-againism.” The whole movement confesses a private- really private - relationship with Christ and denies the Lordship of Christ as being in the church. Christ, ‘they’ say, rules “only in one’s heart”, and thus they end up despising God’s ordained government.
Big, dominant senior pastors and parachurch organizations can do almost anything they please can’t they? Accountable to none.Yey biblically, we should listen do, be admonished by, and rebuked, reproved, corrected if necessary, by more mature Christian sisters and brothers shouldn’t we. That’s the biblical teaching. Mutual accountability.
I have had a probleme with these types of accountability groups…. they are only in place because of a lack of true community…..we have become so self centered in our walk with Christ as has been mentioned here already…..we dont point sin out we only ever talk about it when its in a structured invironment…what we need in the western world is a true since opf community that fosters a love for God and a love for others that holds us to the refiners fire and keeps us accountable in a spirit of love on a daily basis AMEN!
I think this post is probably right on for some and offers an angle that I had not thought of before. I guess my experience though is that I have never felt a fear of man with people I have entered into accountability relationships with. I think I would probably not pick that person if I had a tendency to fear them. In my mind, fear of a person does not lend itself well to freedom of confession.
I wrote a bit about this in the past. I think I got these thoughts from C.J. Mahaney, but not sure. You can check it out here if you like.
http://takeyourvitaminz.blogspot.com/2006/10/accountability-relationships-usually.html
Tim,I am a regular reader of your post, and this is the first time I have commented. I just felt lead to encourage you in your accountability dilemma. When I read how the fear of man is causing you to think your motives for not sinning are tainted, I think of a couple of things. The fact that you are aware of this, is evidence of grace. Now that you are aware that the temptation to avoid sin for the fear of having to confess, you can turn from it. I see that as another step in Christ sanctifying you.Look at accountability as a reminder to check your heart, not a reason to avoid sin.Also, I personally find that Satan can make a good thing look bad. I find that I shy away from or at least second guess some biblical practices as they are gateways for sin. Legalism is a great tempter I find that Satan uses against me. “You are trying to get up in the mornings at a certain time, because you are being legalistic.” While I need to guard my heart against legalism, that risk is outweighed by my necessity to have time with the Lord. In the case of accountability, I see Satan tempting you to see a weakpoint in accountability, to draw away from the gift it is from God. (Not that I think you are quitting accountability due to it, but realize you are just raising the question.)I also aggree with Rachael that why your motives may need addressing, you are developing a good habit to confess sin, and God will continually sanctify the process.Well, thanks for letting me share my heart, and I hope it does more than just take up space! Maybe someone can make my thoughts sound a little more logical. Lastly thanks for puttting those questions on there as well. I find those very helpful, and may try to implement some of them.
Some interesting thoughts. I remember when I was a young Christian around the age of 18 and I met with two others my age in which we had a list of 10 or so questions. That, to me, defines ‘accountability’. It might just be a case of semantics, but accountability communicates a list of ordered questions you go through at a certain time on a certain day of the week. It somewhat communicates overly defined structure, possibly missing the breath of life.
I think this is somewhat of a contrast to the relational nature of the church, or what it should be. Relationships are formed and developed that we might speak into one another’s life encouragement and challenge. It doesn’t happen overnight, as we know, but we take it step by step to build into one another’s lives. There is nothing inherently wrong with getting together with some guys at a specified time on a specified day to answer some specified questions. I do this currently, albeit the specified list of questions, but considering the thoughts of a particular book.
But, when getting a glimpse of the relational nature of the Trinity, of which the church is to model their relational nature after, one wonders if this warrants such overly defined structure. Again, it is not to necessarily negate 3 guys getting together with all the specifics of day, time and questions laid out. But I believe that as we look to relate with one another as God designed, learning from the Trinity (at least as much as we can as finite human beings), we will see our relationships radically challenged and developed through the whole of life. It’s the balance of looking a holistic approach to relationship, instead of a ‘accountability time’.
I really don’t want to come across as bashing accountability, but I am a big advocate of seeing this developed through life, not necessarily through structured time frames. But to do this, the church (at least in America and the western world) might need a renewed vision of what, or who, church really is and that we are first and foremost a family, not an organisation, and we are called to emulate the Trinity in our relationships.
Thanks Tim.
Tim-Have you been reading my email? :)
I won’t explain the details, but trust me when I say this post is very (strangely almost) providential.
Good word.
Please keep the comments on this post pertinent to this post. Those to whom I speak know who you are. You’ve no doubt seen my comment (#49) on the post you’re trying to drag over here. If not, go read and observe it.
Tim,Well said. Erik’s comment is also very true. Thanks for the reminder.
Tim,Well said.
Very insightful. So how can a body of believers foster a more healthy fear of God? Would it be better to simply confess sin?
[ Is there something you should tell us that you’re hoping nobody will ask? ]
I’ve always heard:1. Public sin = public confession.2. Private sin = private confession.
I can’t imagine a Father asking the above question to his family as they sit down together at the dinner table.
We should be sure that our sins will find us out and that God will bring to light those sins we commit in darkness. A confessional by any other name still smells of Catholicism.
Jas 5:15,16 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (ESV)
Does that smell of ‘Catholicism’ or of God’s Word of truth??
I think John Gill hit the proverbial nail on the head when he commented “…. Which must be understood of sins committed against one another; which should be acknowledged, and repentance for them declared, in order to mutual forgiveness and reconciliation; and this is necessary at all times, and especially on beds of affliction, and when death and eternity seem near approaching: wherefore this makes nothing for auricular confession, used by the Papists.”
“Is there something you should tell us that you’re hoping nobody will ask?”
One problem I have with this question is the skewed outlook us Christians usually have when it comes to sin, what sins are more “serious,” harder to admit, etc. For example, if a man was treating his wife really badly and abusively, he might not see this sin as being an answer to this question. He might likely see this behavior as something that is not even very serious but rather just something that is normal. He might say, “Oh, I am not being very good to my wife” and all the men around the table might say, “we’re with you brother. We’ll be praying for you…” and the sin would go relatively unnoticed.
BUT, if the man was able to admit he was addicted to porn or attracted to other men, everyone around the table would likely freeze and this man would not longer be in a position of leadership in the church if indeed he was already in leadership.
Now my point is…obviously sins like porn, sexual sins, etc are very serious but so is the SIN of mistreating ones spouse but yet many times for men in church leadership, this kind of sin seems to go along very freely and unchecked and accountability groups may not treat this kind of sin with the seriousness it deserves. It really upsets me to see how many men in the church do not seem to treasure their wives or treat them lovingly but yet it just seems acceptable.
Therefore the above question must be understood in my opinion to be multi-faceted and not just delegated to sins such as porn or other sexual sins. They are serious and destructive to be sure but so are other just as serious sins.
Hi Tim -
I think if you find yourself consistently avoiding things just because of what others will think when they find out, then yes, that’s a problem.
However, we have to remember that the relationships we have are part of the net that the Holy Spirit uses to prompt us in the path to sanctification. As an example, on one level I choose to obey my parents because I recognize the authority that God has given them over me, and in allegiance to Him, I follow their wishes. On another level, I obey my parents because of my relationship with them, because of the love I have for them and yes, because of the fear of the disappointment or sadness that I could cause them, should they learn of my sin.
I believe that accountability partnerships/groups work in much the same way. When one enters into this type of covenant, one is doing so because of one’s desire to obey God, and the relationships that are developed within that context serve as yet another tool that the Holy Spirit uses in the work of sanctification. When the rubber meets the road, you may find yourself avoiding sin out of the fear or shame of realizing you will have to confess it. But the reason you have placed yourself in that position, and given yourself that incentive, is because of your higher dedication to living a holy life because of your love for God. God uses all these different tools at His disposal to conform you little by little into the likeness of Christ.
So while there may in fact be room there for slipping into an unhealthy fear of man, part of living in a community of believers is in fact the sustaining effect that community has on the individual, whether it be by bonds of love, friendship, or even at times, fear of disappointing those whom we have bonded ourselves with.
Blessings,
- David
Tim,
Good stuff. I’m reminded of a quote from a sermon Erik Thoennes preached at a Biola Bible conference where at one point he says something like, “Do we really need any more accountability groups that don’t instill the fear of Christ in each other?”
I think about this a lot with this sort of thing: what is the ultimate goal of our accountability? It should be that we fear Christ more. If we do that, we’ll do accountability right.
AndrewChristians in Context
This was on the church matters (9 marks) blog today. A great example of fighting sin with the personal confession/contrition and accountability dynamics in view…
I recently asked a friend over email how he was doing battling the flesh. Here is his example-setting reply:
“Yesterday, I was talking to a few people in my office, and one of the women mentioned that she has a belly button ring; then she pulled up her shirt to show it to everyone present. Not good. I could feel my desires immediately pull me.
“I went back to my desk and repented. I repented and pleaded with God for help again this morning during my QT, and then some more on my way into work. Once I got to work, I sat in the car for an additional 15 minutes fighting it.
“I thought about what would happen if my lustful thoughts played themselves out to the extreme, in terms of the consequences that would follow. I thought about having to tell people at church, and the elders of the church, and [wife’s name], and one day [children’s names]. I thought about how awful I would feel for sinning against God in this way and for hurting [wife’s name] so terribly. It made me sick to my stomach.
“Then I thought about the joy I have in a loving relationship with my wife, and how excited I am to praise God in sharing with others whenever things are going well.
“I meditated on Eph. 2:1-10 in light of this struggle, thinking about who I was and who I am now.
“I meditated on Jesus on the cross crying out to his father, asking why he has forsaken him. Answer: My adulterous heart.
“Given the close proximity I have with this individual, it feels like my only hope is for a change in circumstances (which is unlikely any time in the near future). So I thought about how the empty tomb proves that thought to be a lie.
“I hate sin. I hate my fallen nature. I hate Satan.
“I love the Gospel. I love the the thought of heaven. I love Jesus.
“Please pray that I would continue to battle.”
I remember reading that piece by Erik Raymond. I have thought about it often since reading it.
While recently dealing with my an episode in my wife’s life long struggle with alcohol, I approached my pastor for some advice and counsel. I was sorely disappointed.
Not only did he refuse to share our situation as a prayer request. I got NO follow-up in the form of support and/or accountibility.
What’s the purpose of the church if not to come alongside fellow believers in difficult times lke this?
I have and continue to feel left high and dry.
Tim,
When I received my driver license at age 16, my obedience of traffic laws was informed by a conscious knowledge of the fact that I should be more inclined to obey because it would please God and less prone to obey out of a healthy fear of being cited by the police. I say “healthy” because police officers are trained to be well-versed in the law, to remain vigilant and alert in enforcing it, and are charged with the full authority to do so.
This brings to mind an important criterion with regard to accountability groups: If the thought of confessing to this person or group how you may have missed the mark does NOT provoke fear, then either you would do well to find another accountability partner or you should closely and thoroughly examine your own heart (or both).
Thank you for so much for being transparent. It is terrifically encouraging to me to know that you painstakingly examine your motives. At the conclusion of today’s contribution, my overwhelming desire was to give you a great big spiritual hug. I am so glad that we get to spend an eternity enjoying God together!
I think our interest in accountability partnerships stems from a natural human drive - the same one that created the confessional in the Catholic church. We just can’t bear the load alone. Although Jesus may not have instituted confession, I am becoming convinced Protestants have suffered for not having such a system. Even accountability partners fall short, for the reasons you mentioned. The priest however is a vault. He is actually required by the rules to forget what he has heard. Once the sin is confessed and forgiven, it is erased, as if it never happened.
This ia a great reminder for us all. And when we are more concerned about the acceptance or disapproval of man, we set ourselves up to be in bondage all over again. Accountability is great, yet as in all things, motive and constant review are so vital.Thanks again.
“What’s the purpose of the church if not to come alongside fellow believers in difficult times lke this?”
Dear Tim,
It would be my privilege to come alongside you and your wife, in prayer, in regard to your ongoing struggle with this painful issue. May the Lord bless you for your continuing commitment to the covenant of your marriage. By this, you are acting out Christ’s love and faithfulness to the Church, in your relationship with your wife.
You have done well to turn to your church in your time of need. It takes courage to reach out and ask for help (which we sometimes put off untl we’ve exhausted all other means), and it is very discouraging when our brothers and sisters in Christ don’t respond with the same sense of urgency that we are experiencing.
In the spirit of accountability (and hopefully forgiveness and reconciliation), I would like to encourage you not to delay in revisiting your request with your pastor and others in your church. Please let him know once more how you are hurting and struggling and that you require pastoral or diaconal counsel. Be persistent in prayer, and don’t wait for anyone to come to you. Also, let your pastor know that his seeming lack of response is weighing heavily upon you. He may need you to bring this to his attention. Please don’t add to your hurt or to the discord; but seek to mend any lack of unity in the Church, by not harboring a grudge and by going to your brother so that you may win him back and forgive him, that you may glorify God and know peace.
In the meantime, lean on the Lord with your full weight, Tim. He understands your suffering and cares more deeply than we can comprehend. He is the greatest Counsellor and Comforter of all. Find hope in His Word.
I don’t mean to presume, but on the off chance that you are in the heartbreaking condition in which you cannot find Him in your many prayers or are the verge of depression, then I urge you to consider that the root of this may be unrepented anger or unbelief due to your circumstances. (Speaking from personal experience.)
Our Lord is faithful!
Yours in Christ,
Lori
Thanks again,
Food for thought. Fear of man is one thing I have had to overcome and continually monitor. Definitely, the fact that “God is watching” should be our first motivation for our resistance of temptation or strives toward obedience.
It’s very interesting that someone was so open and honest with his sin (as someone noted in a comment above), and it’s great that he repented and looked to God for help.
I don’t know whether or not this applies to the person above, but if we think too much about our sin (and I can do that, though I don’t fight the bigger ones hard), I wonder if we can trick ourselves into thinking we’re worse than we are or that we did (or would do) things we did (would) not. I sometimes question myself: “Did I say/do that….?” or I may, on a false conscience level, accuse myself of doing something (very minor, and not intentional sin) where my ‘other conscience’ would probably know that I did not do that. I wonder if at times certain sins/sinful thoughts should just be quickly let go and confessed rather than hashing and rehashing things and dwelling upon them? If we do that, maybe that can lead to us thinking we have to be trapped in that sin? Or if we fight some thoughts too much with our own combative (“don’t think of a yellow monkey, don’t think of a yellow monkey”…) (I suppose rather than fill our mind with scripture or turn to God in prayer), perhaps that would encourage the thoughts to keep coming?
Just some thoughts…
Tim,Thank you for bringing this up.I struggled with the whole “accountability groups” thing because it tended toward two things.1. Coffee at some fast food place and:”How are you doin?”“I’m fine, how are you doin’?”(It’s a guy thing We don’t understand.)2. The group thing tended also toward confession of sin for public display, and not “for reals.”In both situations, there was no real accountability. Not for men anyway. Women are gifted with conversation. Most men are not.I later realized that If I worked side by side with another man, the real us comes out. When we hit our thumbs with hammers, when our sons shoot out the car windows with BB guns, when our wives volunteer us for things we don’t want to be volunteered for; While we are digging, or fixing, or painting, our reaction is our witness to the other. That also brings up true conversations about life and the Lord, and how we really are who we really are.That’s accountability.Sitting around drinking coffee in a group is fun, but I don’t see it as an accountability to anyone. (Rarely anyway)But then it takes work (Like the works Christ lays out before us?)-Wo
Thanks for the review. I teach about accountability often and this was something that I hadn’t thought to include in the teaching. The potential for unhealthy motivation for accountability is really high I think. Thanks for taking the time to write about this very important topic.
Thanks for this post Tim:
This is a subject close to my heart because I lived the majority of my Christian life(18 years) in a Church that preached accountability. Before I say anything else, I do affirm that there is a place for accountability relationships….and I earnestly seek to have that kind of relationship with those whom I call close friends. I have read material on ‘why you should have accountable relationships and how small groups are a good place to start, and I would totally agree with the ideal of what is trying to be achieved through such a programme/ tool called ‘accountability. However, I am yet to find writing that warns about dangers of accountability gone wrong and what you should avoid doing.Too often I have seen young Christians encouraged to enter into accountability groups and the accountability becomes very one sided. Usually the subordinate (new christian, follower, disciple) being the one whose life is being made very transparentand the overseer (older christian, leader, discipler) on the other hand is not transparent and develops into someone who is more self righteous. I have seen ‘accountability’ become a programme that contributes to legalism and the fear of man. While it may be easy to say “you should guard your heart and check your heart/ motives.’ a young Christian does not know this… and before long they are living in an enslaving system of performance. .. Please Tim please do some more postings on accountability the benefits and the dangers.
I understand this dilemma as well. Because of this, my friends and I are calling ours as “Transparency Group”. We do not go through any set of questions, but rather encourage everyone to confess his sin or struggles. When one confesses his sin(s), no one condemns, but try to encourage (since one confessed his sin(s) who are we to judge him when all of us are sinners?).