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False Messages I: What He Really Wants
- 11/09/09
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For the next couple of days there will be a guest blogger on this site—none other than my wife, Aileen. She will be sharing a few articles directed specifically at women. Here is how this came about.
Two weeks ago (yes, it was really that long ago) I posted a series called Sexual Detox. One of the unexpected results of the series was a large number of emails from women who read this blog. I passed many of these emails to Aileen and she has engaged in correspondence with some of the women. This has led to some interesting conversation and, I think, an opportunity for her to both learn from and minister to some sisters in Christ. I’ll let her pick up the story from here…
*****
by Aileen Challies
Tim and I were in his office. He was leaning against one of his bookcases and I was sprawled out on his chair reading one of the many emails he received in response to the Sexual Detox articles. We were discussing how his articles had all been directed toward young men and how different the articles would look if they had been directed toward women—how there were several underlying themes that were coming out in the emails he was receiving. I suggested that he needed to write a couple of articles directed at women. Tim looked uncomfortable with that thought (probably for good reason), so we began throwing around ideas about who could write these articles as a guest author and what we would want that person to say. Suddenly he looked at me and suggested, “You could write it…” I’m sure a blank look crossed my face, and I went a little white.
For seven years I have successfully avoiding writing anything that could be posted on Tim’s site. However the issues that I will be discussing over the next three days are ones that I really feel need to be talked about among women. These are issues that I have long been talking about with friends and been working out in my own life. It is a little daunting to place myself out before the audience that knows Tim so well, but he has assured me he will edit this before posting it. Here goes nothing…
Just as Tim targeted his Detox series at young men, outlining my target group for this article seems wise. This article is for the married women or the soon-to-be-married among you. I hope it will be a blessing to you and your marriages.
Superglue
A couple of years ago I read a book by Sharon Jaynes called Becoming the Woman of His Dreams. In her research Jaynes surveyed and interviewed hundreds of men in her search to understand the qualities men desire in a wife. You won’t be surprised to hear that sexual fulfillment was at the top of the list (like we didn’t see that one coming, right?). This leads her to call sex the superglue that holds a marriage together. Here are a couple of examples of what men said about their sex lives. “What is the one thing I wish my wife understood better about me and what I long for? The need for her to be more sexual. I wish she’d be more creative and enthusiastic about it. I wish sex would be more fun and more of a priority in our marriage.” “The woman of my dreams would want sex as much as I do. I don’t think women really have a concept of how ‘wired’ for sex men are. It can’t make sense to them, not exactly sure why myself. It seems petty, but it’s real.” Her research showed what I think we already know or at least suspected: for your husband, sexual fulfillment is not a want but a need that arises from the very core of who he is.
In my discussions with other married women I’ve seen clearly that sex, for many couples, is the one thing they fight about most (It’s not just us!). At least from the wife’s perspective, it usually comes down to a pretty simple fact: she simply doesn’t understand why sex is so important to her husband. Because she doesn’t understand, she continues to see it from her perspective and dismisses sex as unimportant, an annoyance, a chore, perhaps an occasional indulgence. She gives herself to him every now and again, hoping it will get hubby off her case for a couple of days, but she does so out of obligation or duty, not delight. Can you identify with this? I think most women can, at least at times.
But if Jaynes is right and sex truly is the superglue that holds a marriage together, we, as wives, need to get it right, don’t we? We need to make sure that we are not eroding our marriages from within because we can’t or won’t understand sex.
What Does He Really Want?
Is your husband’s sex drive something that is purely physical, his body telling him that he just needs a release and that your body is the way to get it? Or is his sex drive in some way connected to you, a need that can only be filled by the spiritual and physical intimacy of making love to you? The message always seems mixed in the female mind. Does my husband want me or does he just want my body? We hear of men who, even though they’re married, look at porn and masturbate and we think, “That solves it! It’s all about the release.” And somehow we really do believe it is that simple. From what I’ve learned as I’ve talked to other women, from what I’ve learned as I’ve responded to emails Tim has received, I can see that a lot of women struggle with this. Just what does my husband really want?
Today’s wife has good reason to believe that sex is no deeper than the physical and that her husband wants and needs her only to meet his urgent needs. All around us society screams this message—that sex within marriage, sex designed as mutual pleasure from husband to wife and wife to husband—is the relic of another age. Instead it tells us that sex is actually nothing too special. It is just the release of pent-up hormones, an enjoyable act that can be shared with just about anyone with little ill effect. Many wives bring to marriage these messages from society, from movies and books, from parents, from previous relationships. The worst part is that your own husband may confirm the bad messages by taking what he can get, settling for your body in those times that you refuse to give him all of you. He rolls over and goes to sleep unfulfilled, convinced that he cannot arouse you or please you. Meanwhile, you roll over feeling used, confirmed in your suspicion that he is a pervert who is just after your body. The vicious circle commences and grows with both husband and wife contributing to it.
It turns out that women need sexual detox, too. You may have never looked at pornography and you may not have a long and extensive sexual history. But still, you have absorbed messages that are causing you to withdraw your heart from your husband. You believe lies and allow these lies to shape your marriage. Thankfully truth trumps error like spades trumps diamonds (it doesn’t, doesn’t it?). So let’s bring some truth to the error.
First off, a good sex life takes work; most people are surprised to learn that it takes skill and practice. Sex is something that seems like it should come very naturally, but often it does not. It can take a long time for the act to be mutually pleasurable for both parties. You first have to learn about one another and you have to learn about yourself. If a woman comes into marriage a virgin, she may have many misconceptions about the wedding night. She goes into that evening expecting fireworks and may come out wondering what on earth is wrong with her. This can continue for weeks, months, years even. During this time, women can begin to believe that all the husband wants is her body. He is being fulfilled and may seem satisfied with the way things are going. Bitterness and discontent grow and sex becomes a battle. Eventually most couples hit their stride, but it is possible that damage has already been done.
All of You
The fact is that your husband wants both the physical release and the relational intimacy he finds in your arms. He wants you, body, soul and spirit and he wants to give you his body, soul and spirit. He needs you to be willing to both give and receive. The physical desire he feels is a kind of trigger to remind your husband to seek this connection with you. It is a reminder and motivator to him that he needs to pursue you. You must not allow yourself to separate the physical urge from all the rest. God designed your husband to need this physical release. He provided you, the wife, as the one who can and should provide the means for that release. And he provided the act of making love so that it becomes about far more than just the physical act.
And aren’t you glad for this, that God made it about so much more than just forcing you to give him some instinctual physical release? We are far more than animals here. In the act of making love you and your husband are knit together, body-to-body, soul-to-soul. The Bible calls it “becoming one”—a perfect word picture. This is why sex as a mere physical act, one divorced from the heart and mind, does not deliver what it may claim to offer. It leaves you feeling used. It leaves your husband feeling incomplete, knowing that you have not truly given yourself to him. You can fulfill an obligation to bring about the release but he may still not experience the emotional and spiritual engagement that is so important to your marriage. For that to happen, you need to offer him more than your body. You need to offer him your body, your soul, your mind, your acceptance. This is what makes sex so intimate and makes you so vulnerable in it. You need to offer up all you are, all you’ve got.
This may be hard to believe, but even more than your man wants sexual fulfillment, he wants you to be sexually fulfilled. He wants emotionally to see how much you enjoy what only he can give you. If he fails to do so he feels inadequate. If he knows that you are not enjoying sex but are only trying to placate him, he will not be truly fulfilled. He does not want to be a consumer but a lover. That is an important distinction. Placid participation is not enough.
And right there, I understand that we have come to a difficult issue. How do you turn something on that seemly doesn’t want to be turned on? And what if your husband is just really bad at pressing the right buttons (and maybe really good at pressing all the wrong ones)? What if you’ve been nursing a baby all day and tucking kids into bed all evening and then he gives you the look—that look? It may be worth picking up a couple of the books Tim listed under the heading “Women” in the Recommended Resources post of his Sexual Detox series. Some of them offer very good and practical advice on these issues (see especially Carolyn Mahaney, Sharon Jaynes or Gary and Betsy Ricucci ). One thing I would add to those is this: if we as women are honest with ourselves, we’ll have to admit that so often we choose not to participate. We, unlike our male counterparts, have a great deal of mental control over our sexual nature. When we are not in the mood we are not in the mood, right? End of story. But I wonder, if we let our mental guards down, if we looked beyond ourselves and served our husbands as we know God wants us to…maybe we would find that things would work out a whole lot better.
So what does your husband want? He wants you—all of you. And his body gives him the reminder to keep pursuing you and to keep making love to you. Do not allow yourself to see his sex drive as something that is animalistic or gross or unholy. It is given to him by the God who does not make mistakes. It must be given for our good. It is a blessing to be appreciated, not a curse to be rejected.
Harry Schaumburg, in his book Undefiled, says this (this quote is so good—make sure you read it carefully!), “The drive to be sexual is more than simply a desire for pleasure or excitement. The sex drive is really a longing for closeness—in both sexes. Don’t be fooled by false messages or even personal experience: men want closeness too. Every man that I have counseled who made his wife a sexual object, therefore giving the impression that all he wanted was sexual pleasure, has admitted—often with tears—that what he really wanted was closeness. This revelation was unbelievable to the wives who heard their husbands say that. In may seem unbelievable to you too—but it’s true.”
Conclusion
Think about what you do to show your husband you love him. Maybe you are a stay-at-home mom and you show your love by making his lunch in the morning and making sure you meet him at the door with a kiss when he comes home. Maybe he is the type who loves physical affection so you make sure to rub his shoulders or back in the evening. You know the things you do to express your love and affection.
Now understand that sex is probably the most meaningful way in which he shows you that he loves you; and it is the most powerful way in which he wants you to show how much you love him. Sex is every man’s love language! If you want to be a wife that serves and builds up your husband, regular, joyful sex will be a part of your relationship to him. So I guess we arrive at the obvious conclusion: have sex, have it often, and serve your husband freely and joyfully in this manner. You will have a stronger marriage to show for it. And, think on this: every marriage counselor is likely to agree that if the sex life is good, the marriage is good. Rarely do you see a bad marriage with a good sex life. It’s almost like sex is…superglue.
In the next article I want to look at rejection—what it does to you, what it does to your husband, what it does to your marriage when there is an atmosphere of rejection within between you and your husband. In the meantime, as with the Detox series, we are glad to get feedback and to have opportunity to learn from you and to hear from you. You can contact us using the contact form. I will be receiving and reading any of the emails from women.
Posts in this Series:
- False Messages I: What He Really Wants
- False Messages II: The Heart of Rejection
- False Messages III: Desiring Him
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (42)
I am so proud of you and your unique wisdom, my wonderful daughter in-law…Looking forward to more from the Challies team.
Good job. AWesome insights. Good to talk with you this morning! xoxo. Maryanne
Aileen, I’ve read your husband’s blog for a couple of years now and regularly link to his articles on my facebook page so that other’s can benefit from his insight. But I’ve never commented. Today I will. Excellent job! You have served many women very well with your straightforward and gracious words. I’ll look forward to your next post.
“Sex is every man’s love language!” I definitely think christian women need to know this. The two literally become one flesh — God’s design is amazing! Great post!
Welcome, Aileen! Very well done!
I’m speechless. Amazing article and dead on!
Aileen, thank you for being willing to write on your husband’s blog about this important topic.
On men wanting their wives to be more sexual, I am convinced that wives are, generally, as sexual as their husbands. I believe that for wives as well as husbands, sexual fulfillment is not a want but a need that arises from the very core of who they are. But because of the sexual differences between men and women, many do not understand why it may seem that women are less sexual than men. Women tend to have a less straightforward physical response to sexual intercourse; their greatest area of sensitivity is not vaginal, if you know what I mean. For women, sex may very well require more mental investment than it does for a man, in order to be satisfactory. Also, women tend to need love to make sex, and men to need sex to make love, therefore men are seen as insensitive “animals,” and women as lackluster. But understanding on both sides may reveal this not to be true.
Perhaps it is easier for men to get in touch with their sexual selves, at least the more physical aspects of it, and be aware that they desire something deeper, but not understand how that is developed. Women, on the other hand, perhaps find it easier to be in touch with the deeper aspects of person-to-person communion, but have more difficulty either connecting it to sex or developing the physical aspects of sex with their spouse to fulfill both their desire for such communion and for sexual release.
One need only observe how women go bonkers over rock stars and devour pulp romance novels to see that women really are intensely sexual. If sex is not a delight for a wife, then perhaps the reason is that she and her husband have not communicated well, and her husband has not learned how to please and satisfy her in the way he so desires to see her pleased, and that she desires to be pleased as well.
As to a wife refusing to give her husband all of her during sex, this may be because he refuses to give her all of him, or to respect her sexual needs, both physical and emotional. It is not right that a husband should expect a wife to give what he is not willing to give himself. This can go the other way too, of course. Yet, if a wife has given all of herself only to have it disrespected, or misunderstood, or not received, she will feel deeply hurt, even damaged. In such an instance it is not good for her to give him all of her, only to have it mistreated. If God provided wives as the means for a husband’s release and fulfilment, then He provided husbands as the means for a wife’s fulfilment and release. Likewise, if a man feels disrespected or misunderstood sexually, he may be less willing to be vulnerable in sex and may settle for mere physical release instead. It goes both ways. The understanding and respect, and giving and receiving, must be mutual.
I have to be honest that reading this makes me cringe a little. My husband has had more than 1 affair in our 20 years of marriage. Even recently he was thinking of leaving me for the woman he had the last affair with. Now he says he was not thinking straight. So I’ve forgiven him again. It seems almost martyr-like to keep expecting me to serve and serve him and give him my body freely when there are such mixed feelings. I know it is right to continue to forgive and to continue to serve and give of myself even when I have been wronged. But isn’t there a limit? I feel used and totally unloved. How can you keep giving yourself to someone ‘enthusiastically” when you know that your husband does not probably really love you. It feels degrading. I know that at any moment or any day that he could be seeing her again. He goes to great lengths to cover up his actions. Sorry, it’s a rough day for me. Usually I can put on a smiling face and force myself to forgive and go on :)
I’m curious about your take on the purpose of sex. Tim mentioned in his posts that sex was for 1.pleasure/unity of spouses and 2.procreation. I have come to believe that this prioritization is incorrect. Sex is a huge deal because it allows us to participate with God in the creation of a new, eternal soul.
I believe that the purpose of sex is: 1. procreation and 2. pleasure.
To diminish the life-giving power of sex is to degrade it. Am I glad sex is pleasurable? Absolutely! But I also believe the contraceptive mentality of our culture has invaded the Christian mind and diminished the act by making it all about pleasure.
That children are created seems to be an afterthought, a “happy accident.” I’ve heard some Christians refer to children as “side-effects” of sex.
No wonder we live in a culture of death and abortion! Even the Christians do not value the life-giving power of sex.
But like the world, Christians deem the highest priority of sex to be pleasure.
To my mind, that’s a tragedy.
I know it is right to continue to forgive and to continue to serve and give of myself even when I have been wronged. But isn’t there a limit?
April—There are some situations that are very, very difficult. I understand this. In this series I’m mostly writing about more “normal” situations (“normal” isn’t quite the right word). We are doing an interview with a counsellor who deals with the difficult situations like yours and hope he’ll be able to address concerns like this one. That may be a week or two away still.
1.pleasure/unity of spouses and 2.procreation. I have come to believe that this prioritization is incorrect.
I guess the Bible doesn’t say clearly one way or the other which is the primary purpose. In some way we’re probably dealing with a “chicken or egg” situation. And also, we shouldn’t put the two options as “pleasure and procreation” as much as “procreation and relationship.” The pleasure is secondary to the relational, unifying aspect.
The problem with putting procreation foremost is that when you are no longer attempting or able to have children (post-menopausal, for example) what basis do you have for carrying on a healthy sex life? At the very least, then, I’d say that you want to give them equal footing since otherwise, when procreation is taken out of the equation you may find there is no reason to continue having and enjoying sex.
I’m putting in a request to consider writing about (well, probably need a guest for this one) why God requires some of us to live an extended period or even a lifetime with unfulfilled sexual desires, in light of the blessing sex obviously is and the value you’ve placed on it in these posts thus far. I agree that sex is a wonderful gift, but not all of us are given access to that gift because of extended (and undesired) singleness. And that’s a really painful reality for me and not just a few others out there.
I don’t know when I’ve ever been so grateful for the gift of singleness as now.
I agree that sex is usually more important to the husband than the wife in a marriage. And, I think that when a wife tells her husband, “not tonight, Honey,” simply because she’s tired, he may hear those words as “I don’t love you.” In your article you said, “for your husband, sexual fulfillment is not a want but a need that arises from the very core of who he is.” How would you answer the argument that sex is not really a need, but just a want based on Matthew 19:12? There are those who choose to be celibate and single for the sake of the kingdom and lead a fulfilled life. Paul says in I Corinthians 7 that it is good for the unmarried to remain single as he is (assuming that some can do this without burning with passion.) And, of course, we have our Lord, Who never had sex, and was the perfect Man. So, is sex really a need? Is it a need that God develops in married men and not in single men?
“One thing I would add to those is this: if we as women are honest with ourselves, we’ll have to admit that so often we choose not to participate. We, unlike our male counterparts, have a great deal of mental control over our sexual nature. When we are not in the mood we are not in the mood, right? End of story. But I wonder, if we let our mental guards down, if we looked beyond ourselves and served our husbands as we know God wants us to…maybe we would find that things would work out a whole lot better.”
I have to say that I agree with this. A few years ago, I found myself being really distant and annoyed mentally during sex. I began to really feel a disconnect and like, “oh boy…here it goes again, let’s get it over with so I can go to sleep”. What a horrible reaction to have to my husband. When I realized how my thoughts were affecting my attitude, mood, and response to my husband I began trying to change.
I have small children, so often times I’m spent at the end of the day. But, I’ve learned that saying “give me 5 minutes” to go in the bathroom, put on some makeup or brush my hair (or my teeth) and mentally prepare, my attitude, mood and response to sex has greatly changed. I try to spend a few minutes really thinking about my husband and some of his wonderful qualities and characteristics so that when I’m intimate with him I’m not checking off my “To do” list or thinking of other things. I prepare and continue to keep my mind in check while we are together so that I am able to give him all of me.
I have found great fulfillment and a very close bond has grown between the two of us. I would say that our minds play a HUGE role in our sex life with our husbands, it’s the part he can’t see…but probably the part we need to sacrifice and give the most.
I would also highly recommend Carolyn Mahaney. She gave an 8 series lecture on Titus 2 and spoke a lot about loving our husbands and how sex is a big part of that.
Thanks Aileen…you did a great job, can’t wait to read more.
bingo! have never ever met a woman who understood what sex is all about before. this post was astonishingly on target.
and it explains why women lose their husbands to the temptress. her willingness to engage him sexually, to do more than “put out” but encourage and enjoy the sexual union fools men into thinking this is it, this is what they have been searching for.
of course, it’s a mirage. and I don’t mean to blame the wife if a man commits adultery - that is his fault and his sin - but Paul says a good marriage protects against sex imm (1 Cor 7:1-2) and he’s right. men who “drink water at home” aren’t thirsty for the temptress.
You saidand it explains why women lose their husbands to the temptress. her willingness to engage him sexually, to do more than “put out” but encourage and enjoy the sexual union fools men into thinking this is it, this is what they have been searching for.
of course, it’s a mirage. and I don’t mean to blame the wife if a man commits adultery - that is his fault and his sin - but Paul says a good marriage protects against sex imm (1 Cor 7:1-2) and he’s right. men who “drink water at home” aren’t thirsty for the temptress.”
Is this the same for a woman, in that case, the woman above who is dealing with a jerk of a husaband, should go out and have emotional affairs with as many men as she can.
April, sounds like your biggest concern should be to witness to your husband in hopes that he may be saved. Beyond that, you should really go to your pastor, assuming you go to a sound church, and get his council.
Curtis, my husband claims he IS saved. he just made a ‘mistake’. We were going to counsel with our Pastor but my husband did not want to when he found out that another person or couple from church were going to sit in on the counseling with us so that they could be ‘trained’ in counseling. Honestly I was not too comfortable with that either. Right now I am doing my best to forgive each day. To work on serving him - but without sinning. He was taking steroids for part of the time that he was deciding if he should go back to her- he seemed to be going through a midlife crisis. he is slowly coming out of that- but it is really hard to be patient. I know it’s just another trial to refine me.
Curtis, my husband claims he IS saved. he just made a ‘mistake’. We were going to counsel with our Pastor but my husband did not want to when he found out that another person or couple from church were going to sit in on the counseling with us so that they could be ‘trained’ in counseling. Honestly I was not too comfortable with that either.
April—I think if you told your pastor you are uncomfortable with having another couple in the counseling he would likely be amenable to counseling you alone (I hope…). Do try! I can completely understand why your husband would be hesitant to receive counseling in front of a non-pastor.
It sounds like your pastor really needs to work with your husband to help him see his sin. An affair is not a “mistake” by any measure, but the culmination of a long series of sinful choices. I do hope your pastor can help him see the gravity of his offense before God (and before you!).
Sometimes I feel like marital advice as it pertains to sex, in Christian circles, caters too much to the husband. That is to say, women are encouraged to embrace sex, but rarely are men encouraged to love and serve their wives by going without.
If each partner in a relationship is striving for the good of the other, and the female half happens to not want sex on a given night, or in general as much as her husband, then it should be the husband’s desire to accommodate her. Sure, he may pray for her level of desire to gradually conform to his own (or at least move in that direction), but in the mean time, out of love for her, he should not be overly upset with the disparity.
When a husband gets a “not tonight” response and reacts with irritation and resentfulness, it’s pretty clear that his motivations were primarily selfish. Disappointment? Sure, that seems appropriate. But it should probably be something he keeps to himself lest it become (intentionally or not) a means of emotional manipulation.
Superb post. I’m glad to see you tackle this important topic with courage. I hope at some point you could offer wisdom in the area of self-image. Many women—Christians included—shy away from giving themselves sexually to their husbands because they are unsatisfied (or for some, disgusted) with their own body. They don’t act sexy because they think they are not sexy. How can a godly husband care for his wife when she feels so? What wisdom can you offer to a woman who refuses to believe she is sexually desirable?
Terrific article, Aileen. I think you did a great job explaining why men desire sex. So far this series that you and Tim have done has been some of the best material I’ve seen on this blog (and I’ve been following it for two years).
I was left confused by one statement, though. You wrote, “For your husband, sexual fulfillment is not a want but a need that arises from the very core of who he is.” I’m not sure how helpful this statement is unless we specify what a husband needs sex for. Intimacy? Physical well-being? Psychological well-being? Self-actualization?
@J.P.H. In most cases that I’ve seen, the emphasis on choosing to have sex rather than choosing to go without is due to 1 Cor 7:1-5. I’d be interested in reading your thoughts on why Paul chose to emphasize that husbands and wives should not deprive each other of sex rather than choosing to encourage husbands and wives to go without.
#23:
I agree with Paul that husbands and wives should not deprive themselves of sex in a general case. I don’t think Paul was saying, “Wives, you should have sex with your husband whenever he wants it regardless of your physical or emotional state at the time.” I think he’s more saying, “Don’t stop having sex altogether, or for periods of time that are long enough to make either partner vulnerable to temptation.”
Most husbands, given we’re fallen human beings, whose wives want sex less than them, are tempted to feel like their wives aren’t giving them “their due”. In other words, “I’m not getting what I want, and that makes me angry and resentful.” Clearly that’s a selfish attitude and is not representative of the manner in which we’re called to love our wives.
Given each partner should be concerned with the other’s well being before his or her own, it seems like the ideal situation is for the two to meet in the middle, so to speak. Sometimes maybe the wife assents to sex despite not being especially motivated because she loves her husband and knows its what he wants. But by the same token, maybe sometimes the husband doesn’t even broach the idea of sex because his wife’s unspoken cues suggest she’s tired or otherwise uninterested, despite strongly desiring it himself.
I strongly disagree that a marriage is held together by ‘good’ sex, that’s a lie many women have bought (i know divorced women who were told ‘if you were better in bed then your husband wouldn’t have left’) that’s simply not biblical, there’s NO excuse for the sin of unfaithfulness and if a man struggles with LUST great sex won’t cure him (because it’s a sin issue). Consistently GREAT sex does NOT replace or compare to a man’s need to be HONORED or a womans need to be LOVED, that’s essential to their God-given needs.Sex should be talked about among spouses, and it gets better as each spouse understands and seeks to please each other, it’s a give and take, it can also be a dying to self, not just in the cases where someone doesn’t ‘feel’ like it. But consider the number of women married to unbelievers (who may openly watch pornography and/or are just a jerk in general) but they seek to please their husbands.How can a wife please a husband who doesn’t deserve it or vice versa? ONLY by seeking the GLORY of God in ALL that they do, that includes things such as sex. Husbands and wives should plead with God to help them serve their spouses and to do so unconditionally (by grace). We should be talking more about the ‘problems’ of our spouses before the Lord then before our spouses. Our greatest need and struggle is to focus on how WE (I) need to change.
As for SINGLENESS: That doesn’t appear to be the biblical norm, but is a ‘gift’ given to some. So that means each single person should be PREPARING themselves for a godly marriage by becoming the man/woman God calls them to be (don’t despise the waiting period/ the state God has you in is the BEST for you presently). In such a state pray the Lord give you peace in your desires!
What a terrific article, and a lot of thoughtful comments above.I came here via StandFirm (http://standfirminfaith.com/).
Great article!Sharon Jaynes (author of Becoming the Woman of His Dreams)
FINALLY, after many years of being so unsure of myself in the bedroom due to the use of pornography by my husband, we are am free to enjoy the gift of sex that God has given us. It was definetly alot of struggles and alot of mixed emotions getting to where we are now. There was pain, shame and hate at times. Pornography was a huge battle for us and after salvation my husband finally accepted the fact that what he had been doing was wrong. This culture that we live in very clearly informed him that I had the problem because I was so insecure that I didnt want him looking at women who weren’t even “real”. I had female friends, unsaved, that also believed me to be wrong for being upset about porn use….there was a time that I thought I was crazy for being upset and that surely they were right since they were the majority..it went from bad to worse…I did what I had to do to get thru and he did what he had to BUT GOD, a couple of my favorite words……He saved and He brought repentance and He has restored our marriage…it was done thru alot of confessing, and on my part, healing from what I considered to be acts of adultery….we have alot of safeguards in place becasue I am capable of imaging the worst and trying to find it…the joy we have in sex is unspeakable….with God all things are possible and that includes the restoration of a marriage and a marriage bed, that has been beat down by pornography and this world. Thank you so much for the series you are doing…it is blessing and much needed in our time.
This is such a perfect article.
I love what you said about “not giving yourself over.” Sure, as a man, I can have ‘release’, but it isnt intimacy if my wife is not a participant. She says she enjoys the closeness and the touch but I still feel like a user. That lack of ‘giving up’ indicates so many things. And I internalize them and think it’s my fault. I think I should be more fit or more loving or my breath is bad or I am being held in judgement for past failures.
Thank you for this articledavidwww.redletterbelievers.com
What an excellent, encouraging article! After reading this article, a few thoughts came to me. I agree that many women tend to think that sex is just a physical desire and don’t see that it is an outlet for husbands to show their love too. For example…there have been many occassions where I was ONLY seeking to compliment my husband (telling him how handsome he is, what a great father he is, etc…) and it turned into much more than that. I was not neccessarily inviting my husband to get physical and to have sex, but b/c I happened to compliment him, his immediate response was one of love and kindness, including physical love. In those times the Lord really showed me that it isn’t ALL about a physical release for him but a desire between both of us to feel close to one another. In my short ten years of marriage, I’ve struggled as so many others have but like anything else, talking about it with our spouses and the Lord is always the most helpful. AS our pstor says…we should have a “state of the union address” with each other every several months!At the beginning of my marriage my biggest struggles were my expectations. As with anything in life…if we expect too much, or live with the idea that we “deserve” something we are setting ourselves up for sin. Since HELL is the only “REAL” thing we deserve…anything above that is a mercy. Not to make light of those who do have rough marriages. I just think a lot does depend on our attitudes and motives. If we are seeking to glorify God in everything, than our responses and actions are often times different when things don’t go our way. I know this all too well from my own experience! I like for things to go MY way!Again Aileen…thanks so much for your well-thought out post. I would imagine if we as woman pondered on our husbands greatest strengths and not on their weaknesses we’d find ourselves in “the mood” far more often!:)
I’ve never disagreed on an article on this blog until now. Sex is not superglue for a marriage, the only thing that holds a marriage together is God’s glory. I have been married for almost three years and am lucky if my wife has sex with my once a week and then it is usually a quickie because she isn’t interested. We have tried to talk about it and she isn’t sure what is at the root of it and gets discouraged easily.
Paul said that if a man doesn’t want to burn with passion then he should get married, I wish I would have known how wrong that is so I wouldn’t have believed pastors and authors who said to wait for marriage for a fulfilling sex life. I look at non-Christians and the world and see them probably having better sex then I am.
Marriage is about sanctification and not sex. For a man, marriage is about putting his desires to death to serve his wife. Loving my wife like Christ loves the church means not having an expectation for sex, but expecting to serve my wife in what she desires.
Consistently GREAT sex does NOT replace or compare to a man’s need to be HONORED or a womans need to be LOVED, that’s essential to their God-given needs.
I don’t think it’s right to hold up love and honor in opposition to sex. Part of being in love as a couple, part of honoring one another, will be the sexual relationship. Marriage is not held together by “good” sex if we define “good” as being “hot and heavy.” Sex holds marriage together in that it is the deepest expression of the deepest realities that are only shared between a husband and a wife.
Marriage is about sanctification and not sex. For a man, marriage is about putting his desires to death to serve his wife. Loving my wife like Christ loves the church means not having an expectation for sex, but expecting to serve my wife in what she desires.
I don’t think it is right to put these two in opposition. Sex and sanctification go hand-in-hand in marriage.
As I read this (and do excuse me if this seems hard-hearted) I couldn’t help but think that maybe part of loving your wife is to help her understand the necessity and beauty of sex within marriage. Part of loving her is being a leader to her, even in this area.
Now when Aileen or I write an article like this we are obviously, to some extent, dealing with generalities. There are always exceptions—there will always be men who do not like to have sex or women who cannot have sex (and any other number of exceptions). And perhaps your marriage is one of those exceptions. But do not give up! Continue to pursue your wife, continue to believe that sex does matter in marriage, and, as the leader in your home, seek to teach yourself and your wife God’s view of sex.
Anonymous #31,
Thank you for the welcome dose of reality. I was also deceived by the ‘get married and you can have sex’ crowd.
I believe the main reason married Christian men regard sex as so important is that it’s the only benefit we get from marrying in the first place.
In regards to the comment about being able to hold a marriage together without sex, it seems to me that maybe there are different definitions of what holds a marriage together. Certainly there are many stories in which a marriage lasted for years without love (I’m thinking of a story that I read in Dave Harvey’s “When Sinners Says I Do” in which the husband was an unbeliever and the wife stayed with him through much sin). Love is a choice; it’s not a feeling. I can choose to love my husband for years and years and years even if I don’t feel that love. In the same way, I can choose to remain in a marriage with my husband even if we’re not having sex. But in terms of that emotional and physical intimacy, there won’t be much going on in our marriage.
I’m one week shy of having been married for only seven months, so I’m by no means an expert on this topic. But it seems to me so far that our relationship is much fuller when we both have the right attitude about sex.
#34Sex isn’t the only benefit from marrying in the first place, but I do believe that there is a deception in Christian circles that if you wait till marriage for sex it will be worth the wait. It definitely makes it hard to not envy the world or to see that they have better sex lives than Christians. My wife is my best friend and I love her, I’d do anything for her, but I wish we were more intimate because I feel like we have different sexual needs. It is hard to encourage single Christians towards purity when I hear the world talk about sexual compatibility and I know my wife and I aren’t and this can make me very miserable at times.
Tim,I’d feel selfish if I tried to lead my wife to see the beauty and necessity of sex in marriage. Obviously it isn’t a necessity for her. She became a Christian later in life and didn’t live sexually pure before that. I can encourage her to talk to pastors or other ladies, but I can’t be her dad and force her to do those things. Honestly, I can only do so much to disciple her as I feel like we are on different teams and have different priorities and I am reliant on the Holy Spirit to bring us closer.
As a single woman who doesn’t get to have sex, I do have a word for the married women who don’t enjoy sex with their husbands: Don’t settle for living like this - work on figuring out whatever needs to be fixed!
I listened to a great podcast from Matt Chandler’s church (The Village Church) titled “Culture and Theology: God and Sex”. Highly recommended, by the way. But one point that the speaker made was that God meant for sex to be enjoyable for both husbands and wives. If sex is not enjoyable for the wife, there may be many reasons - physical (are there medical issues?), emotional (is there abuse in her background, was she taught that sex was dirty, etc.), etc. - and that’s obviously not considering possible marital issues or issues specific to her husband and how he treats her or takes care of himself. Any of these things, or most likely a combination of these things, may be at work, making it more difficult for a woman to enjoy sex. However, the answer isn’t to just give up and be dutiful but not enjoy it - keep digging and keep working on it. Remember, you’ve been given a gift (sex) that not all of us get to enjoy!!! It is meant to be enjoyable.
Thank you for this post. As a husband, I found it helpful - because my wife’s sexual drive is often higher than mine. Reading the article exchanging the words “husband” and “wife” worked well as an encouragement. (I do feel very fortunate that we’re not affected by most of the problems and difficulties you mention, though.)Your post was pleasingly free of generalisations, apart from “Sex is every man’s love language”. It’d be interesting to hear your thoughts on the couples for whom the sex drive isn’t the stereotypical way round (which might be 10% of married couples, perhaps?) The “theology of unequal desire” that was formed at the end of part II of the Sexual Detox series didn’t really ring true, for this reason.
Tim, to further clarify my point which you didn’t catch, was that although sex may be a wonderful part of marriage, it’s not the vital tie of a good marriage. Of all the counsel I’ve heard (and I’ll weigh greatly the wisdom of older and even dead saints) has NEVER been to make sex the ‘super-glue’ to marriage, that’s NOT to say it’s not important at all, rather the KEY is to by grace to grow in our sanctification.
The number ONE reason for divorce is SIN, usually a form of selfishness that may manifest itself in various ways “i’m not getting what I want/need” and so ‘I’m justified in doing this…’, yet if we pursue the glory of God in our marriage then all things will line up (I’m simply defending against a ‘fix this specific thing and presto’ application to something like marriage).
I’m trying hard to consider those in hard situations like those spoken of by many of the posts, because this simply isn’t an area of struggle for me or my wife, and I concur with C that the thought that men are the more desirious of sex might not be as typical as many think. Perhaps if more men, would seek to bless their wives (not just romance, but in the daily parts of the day expressing love and REPENTING when they’ve sinned), not to mention the hypocrisy of men wanting their wives to look all dolled up and superfit, when they don’t make the same effort to take care of their fitness, smell, and appearance!
Thank you so much for this article. You hit the nail on the head in expressing the heart of a man!
Am I the only woman who feels like I see from the opposite side of the spectrum? I think not, because after talking to many friends, I have found that MANY women out there today are sexually frustrated in marriage. I can’t tell you how weary I am of hearing/reading endless talks, and articles, and posts, and books that tell women to be more sexual and enjoy sex more and make men sound like sexual animals. I looked forward to marriage because all the books described men as sexual animals and I wanted a man like that. But obviously, God in His providence, must have known that sexual frustrations purifies selfishness and has used it, painfully, for my good. There are many women out there today who want sex, and want it frequently, and have high desires, but whose husbands cannot get up the gumption due to physically strenuous jobs, busyness, getting slurped into time wasters like TV, internet, video games, or even books, etc. Women who are rejected feel unloved, undesirable, unattractive, etc. I just had to put in my plug for these women because I know how it hurts and that not all men are sex animals (though Christianity seems to think nothing else). I will add that my hubby and I are were married at 21 and 20 and are now 6 years into marriage. We are both healthy, not overweight and very attracted to one another. Three small children have dampered my enthusiasm to the point that we have close to equal drives but there are still plenty of nights when he says, “Can’t I just cuddle with you without you getting ideas?” and when I roll over in disappointment that I’ll have to wait until another night…….no surprise there (sigh).