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Leadership in the Home - A Godly Man Provides
- 12/04/09
- 19
This is the fifth and final part of this series on leadership in the home. You can read the first part here, the second part here, the third part here and the fourth part here. Having looked at the husband’s responsibilities in leadership and protection, we turn today to provision.
The husband is ultimately responsible for ensuring that the family’s needs are met. While financial needs are the most obvious component of this, they extend far beyond. Here are several ways in which God has called you, as a husband, to provide for your family.
Provide Financially. The husband is to lead in the area of finances. In most cases this means that you, the husband, will be the family’s breadwinner, freeing up your wife to pursue her vocation in the home as wife and mother. It will also mean that you will be ultimately responsible for financial decisions and management. It may be prudent to allow your wife to actually pay the bills and keep financial records, but you must still be involved in the family finances. Time and ability would undoubtedly fail me to provide from Scripture a cut-and-dry case for these rather contentious declarations, but I would point you toward Ephesians 5 (where a husband is told to nourish and cherish his bride—is not provision an important component of nourishment?) or to 1 Timothy 5:8 where we’re told that a man who does not provide for his own family is worse than an unbeliever. I would also point you toward common sense. Common sense should tell us that women are specially created and equipped to do the work involved in raising children and that men are specially equipped to do the work involved in provision. This does not mean that a husband does nothing around the house and a woman never earns a penny. It is simply a matter of priorities.
In an attempt to head off questions, let me say that in this series we are dealing with broad principles and there are times that the principles seem to fall short in specific circumstances. The world being what it is, there are always exceptions and sometimes tragic exceptions. When it comes to theology it is important that we begin broad and go narrow rather than begin narrow and go broad. The broad principle here is that the husband is called to be the provider. But, of course, there are times when this cannot happen. Perhaps a husband is injured or disabled or just plain unable to find work. In such cases the wife may be called upon to be the primary breadwinner. In some circumstances a man may need to defer this task to the church or the government. There may also be times when a wife has to take on provision while the husband is studying or preparing himself for another vocation. Even here, though, he does not need to hand over leadership to his wife or to anyone else. He can still lead in this area even if circumstances prevent him from actually providing through the labor of his hands.
I know people will also wonder whether I am saying that your wife absolutely cannot have a job. I would again point to the broad principle that God’s primary call for women is to be involved in managing the home and raising children. As long as her job does not keep her from fulfilling her other responsibilities (such as a woman who decides she cannot have children because she wishes to prioritize her career), then I don’t see anything in Scripture that forbids it. Ideally I think the husband would wish to be in a position where if his wife works it is because of choice and not some kind of financial necessity.
Provide Sexually. The godly husband desires to serve his wife and to honor God through sex (see 1 Corinthians 7:1-5). You need to know the importance of sex in your relationship with your wife and know the importance of sexual purity to your own heart. You need to see sex not as something that is merely physical, but as a means of grace within your marriage—an act of love that binds a husband to his wife and a wife to her husband in a unique way. Pursue your wife not only in the act but in all of life so that she is willing and eager to join with you in the consummation of the act. Eagerly and willingly provide for her needs in this way, thinking more of her than of yourself.
Provide Spiritually. It is the husband who must take initiative in leading his wife into deeper and deeper truths of the faith. You need to take the initiative in providing a church home where you can join together with other believers in fellowship and in worship. Take the lead in willingly and eagerly studying the Bible on your own and with your wife. Be willing to encourage her to come before God on her own. Whether your wife is a believer or not, you should live before her in such a way that you put no stumbling block in her path—nothing that would keep her from pursuing God.
Provide Yourself. The godly husband provides himself, which is to say that he provides focused, undistracted time and attention. I think this is an area of particular failing for men today. We are a distracted and busy people who have a difficult time prioritizing what ought to be prioritized. We believe that we are owed endless hours of entertainment—that it is our right to be entertained for hours every day—and we give ourselves to this pursuit. We also recklessly pursue stuff, power, position, prestige and any other number of idols. And often these will come at the expense of your wife or children. As husband you need to provide time for your wife. Some of this time may be spent watching television, but there must be times where you can just talk without distraction, without the need for entertainment. You must provide time for your children, to talk to them, to encourage them, to ask them questions and to answer their questions. Seek to take the lead in arranging regular date nights with your wife; go on “daddy-dates” with your kids as well, finding special things to do with each one of them (alone) on a regular basis (even if that event is no more special than an early-morning breakfast at Denny’s—something I’ve been doing with my kids recently. Kids are remarkably unpicky when it comes to time spent with dad). Help your wife arrange similar dates with the kids so she can spend that focused time with them as well.
Conclusion
I can’t deny as I type the final words of this series that it did not come together quite as I expected. There is probably too much “me” in it. Nevertheless, I do hope that it can prove beneficial to men, and especially young men. I hope they can see in it just a glimpse of the high calling they’ve been given as husbands and that they can find great joy and satisfaction in their task as leaders within their homes.
Resources
I found a few books helpful as I prepared these articles. Among them are:
The Complete Husband: A Practical Guide to Biblical Husbanding
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
Releasing on April 1, The Next
Published in 2008, this book
This is a guide that calls men,
This review of the bestselling
New to the site? You can get
This is a guide written
Comments (19)
Thanks Tim. This will be a great resource for time to come. Do you plan to pdf this? I hope our singles group will benefit from this.
That’s the plan, Mark. I’ll try to tidy it up and get it in that kind of a format ASAP.
Tim,
I am grateful that you included much needed exceptions to the provider rule. We must never excuse laziness, but we must also never forget grace.
After a series of layoffs and fundamental changes in my field devastated my career, I was forced to reinvent myself. I started my own company in a new field in which I had little professional experience. This meant that my wife bore the breadwinner mantle while my business ramped up.
In the 6.5 years since I started in this new field, I have endured withering criticism from other Christians because my wife and I switched financial provider roles temporarily. That criticism crossed denominational lines, too. Everyone had an opinion, and most of those opinions were not edifying.
Leaders claimed that I was subjecting my wife to the assaults of the world. Because there was little work in the beginning as I built my portfolio, many objected and called me lazy, even when I supplemented my business startup with homeschooling my child. The things fellow believers said to me were horrible.
My wife stopped working in mid-2007 and is now home. My income has grown each year and is sustaining us now after years of hard work. But none who hurled the insults at me have since apologized.
The lesson I learned through this time is that most people in less-than-ideal situations are simply trying to get by. Life is hard. Every household that bragged to us about how they only needed the husband to provide is now a dual-income household, but nothing is said about the change.
We may talk about grace, but we don’t extend it much. We are more interested in being correct than in being loving. I know that I went to a couple well-known Christian organizations for help in getting my business working so that I could return our roles to those advocated by those organizations, but they offered nothing but condemnation. Millstones, yes; help in the name of Jesus, no. That is not the way we Christians should live. If we cannot help a brother or sister achieve the outcomes we preach, we should not be burying them under our righteous rightness. We must instead examine our own hearts.
Forgiveness in this comes hard, but I do forgive. For anyone reading this, understand that we live in increasingly difficult times and the models we have used in good times are not always going to work perfectly in bad times. Please, before you judge a household situation, love and extend grace. The measure you use to judge will be measured out to you as well, Better that you draw alongside those in a situation that is “imperfect” and help than to condemn and do nothing.
Men are being crushed by job losses only to be further crushed by Christians who are swift to judge and slow to love. Recognize this and be part of the solution. Then you will know the heart of God.
One last comment on financial provision…
One of the most vicious lies of the Enemy that I commonly see in our churches is that a man’s worth as a man is judged by his salary. If some do not believe this to be true, ask how many church elders and deacons are captains of industry while the man who works two menial jobs to make ends meet is never considered for a leadership position. We continue to love those men who are successful by a consumerist world’s standards and not by the standards of God.
I have also seen the standard of provider move from being simply a “provider” to a “good provider,” with the latter meaning that a man can fill his large house with plenty of stuff. But again, that is not the heart of God and does not reflect the simplicity we are called to by the Gospel. Yet how commonly this occurs in our churches!
If we Christians are not the countercultural examples of living with less and living on less, then we are missing a great opportunity to show the world a better way, one that is more invested in the Kingdom of God than the perishable kingdoms of this world.
Thanks Tim, for this insightful post series!
Tim, My husband and I really enjoy your blog. Here’s a can of worms (if you are up for it). My hubby has been reading Francis Chan’s “Crazy Love” and listening to David Platt recently and is wondering why we are not radically abandoned to Christ. In a nut shell, he has been contemplating selling most of our possessions, giving, and living on only the basic things necessary. As it is, he is in seminary and makes $20k a year and we have 3 small children. The struggle we face is what does the husband as provider look like financially. How do you determine needs?. I do not want to be materialistic or lacking faith in God’s ability to provide. On the otherhand, I do not want to be bitter at my husband for plunging us even lower into poverty or angry that others meet the “needs” that he is suppossed to be meeting. Our Christian friends say this is not wisdom. My family is concerned as well. He keeps pointing back to Christ’s radical call to do impossible things in faith. Perhaps God calls specific people to this, like missionaries or perhaps we have all been called but the comforts of American life and dulled our ears?? Any thoughts?
@ KH (#6),
I guess you have to ask yourself what the worst outcome would be if you followed your husband’s lead. Does God ever abandon faithful people?
There is something fundamentally broken in North American Christianity when we are unable to receive from others. We are too self-sufficient and find much of our self worth wrapped up in images that will burn on Judgment Day.
Going countercultural in a way that honors the Lord is exceedingly hard, brutal even. The cost is huge. Almost no one accepts that calling, even those who say they have. We all have our hands to the plow and are looking back.
I know I understand when people shrink back; I can’t blame.
Great series Tim,
I have just finished a book by Nancy Pearcey called “Total Truth” I wanted to mention it here because I feel it is relevant to the roles each gender has; and how we have come, over the years, to where we are in the present in our ideas toward these roles. The book is about the dualistic nature of the Christian worldview and how we have come to have it; but the last few chapters’ talks at length about how we have come to have the current assignment of roles (or duties) by men and women. I was struck by Nancy’s assertion that the idea that women are naturally more nurturing then men, thus better suited to child rearing as a human created idea and a newly create one at that. (She cites many historical references to back this up.) She also talked at length about the idea that women are naturally more moral and compassionate then men and how this idea is hurting even the Christian culture (one reason that Churches tend to be female heavy she claims). One of the draw backs to the idea that women are more moral than men is that women are assumed to have the role to control men’s “nature”; thus creating a conflict between the sexes. I was reminded of this book a great deal while reading your series and wanted to share. It is a very interesting read and I heartily recommend the book.
KH,You are already living in poverty. What your husband is planning does *not* sound like something a responsible provider would do. You and your children will suffer. This has nothing to do with being materialistic or lacking faith, it sounds like your husband needs counseling. DLE says that God will not abandon faithful people, but that doesn’t mean that you and your children will miraculously get through such an unnecessary self-inflicted ordeal unharmed.
DLE:I imagine the worst that could happen would be that the children starve and are taken away from the parents. KH and her husband are not entitled to miraculous provision from God, and neither was the Sussex County mom who had faith similar to KH’s husband’s (http://tr.im/GE1p)
@ robut (#9, 10),
Getting rid of excess is not the same as quitting one’s job and expecting God to miraculously provide everything. Let’s talk apples to apples here. Living on just what one needs to live is a godly way to pursue life. Too much of what we do is simply to keep up with the Joneses and consume, consume, consume. The amount of a person’s income does not matter if the essential are taken care of. Honestly, anything beyond that is gravy. More of us need to think that way.
BTW, KH & robut, I wrote on the issue of simplicity just a few days ago at my own blog (tinyurl.com/yd327s6).
Tim, I enjoyed this series very much. My wife and I will spend some time going through it to clarify our expectations in our marriage.
We have been going through the sexual detox series together and are waiting for the PDF version of the sex series Aileen wrote.
Are you planning on collaborating with Aileen again on this new topic for a submission series for wives? It would be a nice “compliment” to the leadership series.
Tim,
You wrote:
but I would point you toward Ephesians 5 (where a husband is told to nourish and cherish his bride—is not provision an important component of nourishment?) or to 1 Timothy 5:8 where we’re told that a man who does not provide for his own family is worse than an unbeliever.
The nourishing and cherishing that is spoken of in Ephesians 5 is of one’s flesh as well as one’s bride:
Ephesians 5:29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
Are you trying to say that we need to make money for our own flesh?
Even worse, in 1 Timothy 5:8, Paul says the following:
1 Timothy 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Notice, Paul does not single out men; this applies to *anyone,* men or women. His context is very telling as to why he is saying this:
1 Timothy 5:5-8 Now she who is a widow indeed and who has been left alone, has fixed her hope on God and continues in entreaties and prayers night and day. 6 But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7 Prescribe these things as well, so that they may be above reproach. 8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Paul is dealing with this issue in the context of widows. Hence, he is not talking about men at all. According to the commentaries I have read, he is most probably dealing with people who did not take care of their parents after their spouses had died. Thus, this would be an issue of a breaking of the fifth commandment, and not of men as “breadwinners.”
You also have the Proverbs 31 woman to deal with. She is extremely economical; in fact, economics and the ability to provide seem to be, not only an emphasis in the text of Proverbs 31, but also something for which she is heavily praised.
I am all with you in terms of wanting to reform culture, Tim. However, I think we need to do it from a Biblical perspective, and not try to read traditional, pre-feminist ideals into the text.
God Bless,Adam
Thanks for this series and the recent series Tim. Your labor is greatly appreciated and thanks for serving the body of Christ the way you have. I have benefitted greatly. Thanks for your comments DLE. They were very helpful.KH- I think your husband is on the right track if he is listening to Platt. I started thinking through these things a year ago starting with Chan’s book and my wife and I are also striving to make wise decisioins pertaining to this area. I first heard of Platt in April when I saw a link to his “Radical” series of sermons on a blog, and am now a member of the church where he pastors. I think the church needs to hear sermons like these, and that Platt addresses a major blind spot in the American evangelical church. I think it is true biblical Christianity, and that DLE hit on this well. Check out Platt’s James sermons also on this topic. The book “Money, Possessions, and Eternity” by Randy Alcorn may be helpful as you and your husband work through these things and is one Platt reccomends.
KH
We went through something like the (http://tr.im/GE1p) article mentioned earlier. It was by faith waiting on God to reveal a job. My family helped us out though. We had a house, food and clothes. But, after a miscarriage and waiting to see if we should go to the hospital, my husband thought of the Good Samaritain. Ofcourse he should not wait to see how this resolves itself! There are times to wait and times to follow a given command. He should care for his wife! We went to the hospital and sometime soon after my husband went out and got a job! (“If a man doesn’t work, neither shall he eat.”) Not one in the ministry, like he had been waiting for but right where God wanted him!
God bless you as you seek the Lord in this matter. May he reveal His will to your husband.
Blessings,
DR
Tim - thanks so much for this series and your last (along with Aileen’s addition - VERY helpful!). I’d also love to see her write something that compliments this series.
A question for you - If your husband is an ubeliever, but you are not, how does the spiritual leadership of the family play out. Does it then become the wifes sole responsiblity? Any advice or insight on this would be most helpful for me.
Adam is right Tim. You did violence to 1 Timothy 5:8. As a complementarian I cringe when people fail to do even the most basic exegetical work on that verse and use it to support they point you tried to make in this post.
As someone I deeply respect and enjoy reading, I would challenge you to go back and study this verse in context and see that it does not even come close to meaning what you are saying it does in this post. As an influential blogger and Christian you have an obligation to be more careful in what you teach, and to repent you abuse the text.
“I would point you toward Ephesians 5 (where a husband is told to nourish and cherish his bride—is not provision an important component of nourishment?)”
Absolutely!
“or to 1 Timothy 5:8 where we’re told that a man who does not provide for his own family is worse than an unbeliever.”
This sentence was actually addressed to widows - women. Women are also expected to provide for their families. Both parents are expected to minister to the needs of their children. Who does what is not specified and we should not specifiy either. Let parents work out their details according to what works best for them. This does not allow anyone to shirk their responsibility to use the good gifts that God has given them. My guess from the rest of what you wrote, is that you will agree with me.
“It is the husband who must take initiative in leading his wife into deeper and deeper truths of the faith.”
This is problematic. Not all husbands have a deep knowledge of the truths of Scripture. And not all husbands have a deeper knowledge than their wives. And not all husbands can lead or teach in spiritual things. Practically, it would be better just to encourage husbands and wives to seek God together and study together.
“Whether your wife is a believer or not, you should live before her in such a way that you put no stumbling block in her path—nothing that would keep her from pursuing God.”
Absolutely!
Side note to KH…. Your husband and you need to get on your knees before God and desperately seek God about this. Do not cease seeking God daily until God has given you both an answer that both can agree upon. And God is faithful.