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Fantasy Church
- 08/31/06
- 44
Fantasy church is a game in which players moderate imaginary denominations based on the real-life performance of churches and pastors, and compete against one another using those churches’ statistics to score points. The most recent addition to the long list of fantasy activities (other fantasy games include fantasy baseball, fantasy football, fantasy hockey, and so on), it is surely also the most exciting and the most edifying. So why not form a league today and become President of your very own denomination!
Rules:
Each league will be overseen by a Presbyter who will act as commissioner and will form a league of between 8 and 14 players. At the beginning of the season each league will hold a draft. The Presbyter will provide to the players a list of churches which will serve as the pool of available churches. Players will choose churches from the available pool, taking into account a wide range of factors. Each team will draft a denomination of 8 churches. Each player must draft a denomination consisting of at least 2 Baptist churches, 2 Presbyterian churches, 2 Charismatic churches, 1 non-denominational church and 1 flex church (any denomination).
Each week teams will face off against each other in head-to-head match-ups. The team that collects the greatest number of wins at the end of the season will be declared the winner.
Points will be scored as per the chart below. At the conclusion of each Sunday, the league Presbyter will be responsible for collecting statistics from each church and providing these to the players. The Presbyter will tally the points and declare a winner in each of the games.
Scoring Breakdown
Teaching
Sermon length:< 15 minutes: 2 points
15 - 29 minutes: 3 points
30 - 44 minutes: 4 points
45 - 59 minutes: 5 points
60 - 89 minutes: 6 points
> 90 minutes: 10 pointsNumber of Bible translations used in the sermon:
0: -5 points
1: 5 points
2 - 4: 3 points
> 5: 1 pointOriginal Languages:
1 point for each word provided in the original language
Sermon was previously preached by Rick Warren or Bill Hybels:
-5 points
Sermon was previously preached by John MacArthur or John Piper:
-3 points
Sermon was previously preached by Charles Spurgeon:
-1 point
Sermon style:
Expository: 3 points
Topical: 2 points
Conversational: 0 points
Dialogical: -2 pointsSermon outline:
Pastor provides a basic sermon outline: 2 points
Pastor provides a fill-in-the-blanks outline: -2 pointsPositive references to Mother Teresa or Billy Graham:
-5 points per reference
Worship
Number of songs:< 4 songs: 2 points
5 - 7 songs: 3 points
8 - 11 songs: 4 points
> 12 songs: 3 pointsNumber of instruments used:
1: 2 points
2 - 4: 3 points
5 - 10: 4 points
> 11: 5 points
0: 5 pointsRatio of hymns to contemporary songs:
1:1 - 4 points
2:1 or 1:2 - 3 points
3:1 or 1:3 - 2 points
4:1 or 1:4 - 1 point
0:1 or 1:0 - -2 pointsOther
-2 points for each time the worship pastor moans, “Mmmmmm. Thank you, Jesus.”
-2 points for each use of a song currently on the Christian top-40
-4 points for each use of a song on the mainstream top-40
-6 points for each use of a U2 song
-8 points for use of the song “Your Love Is Extravagant”
Church
Conversions:2 points per conversion (as marked on an official communication card, indicated by a raised hand, or confirmed during an altar call)
Recommitments:
2 points per recommitment (as marked on an official communication card, indicated by a raised hand, or confirmed during an altar call)
Baptisms:
3 points per baptism
Ratio of attendance to membership:
> 1:1 - 4 points
1:1 - 2 points
1:2 - 0 points
1:3 - -2 points
1:4 - -4 points
< 1:5 - -6 pointsRatio of offering to attendance:
> $50:1 - 4 points
$25:1 - 2 points
$10:1 - 1 points
< $1:1 - - 4 points (consider contacting the police)Sermon available online as free audio download:
2 points
Sermon available as a podcast:
1 point
Use of Powerpoint in worship or sermon:
-2 points (An additional point is subtracted each time the Powerpoint falls behind the song or sermon)
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (44)
>10 Scripture References : +4 points…5 - 10 Scripture References : +3 pts…3 - 5 Scripture References : +2 points…2 Scripture References : 1 point…0-1 Scripture References : -2 points…
Positive reference to the Dalai Llama, Confucius, Buddha, or Bono : -5 points/reference
Well this could make sunday morning services pretty interesting.
Use of a movie clip to drive home a point : -2 points
Where do you get this stuff?
Take out the offensive words in an Alanis Morissette song and use it in worship: -10 points.
I wish this was some sort of reach of my imagination, but it happens. So sad.
For every bulletin left over: -0.5 pointsFor every bulletin short: -1 pointPerfect bulletin count: priceless…ok 5 points
I could go for on. This is pretty fun.
alter call: -5 pointshymn of decision: -3 pointscommunion: 5 points
BUDGET:more money going to salaries than missions and the needy: -100 points
Use of the song “Above All” (with the line at the end “you thought of me above all” at the end): -20 points
Opening the sermon by reading Scripture followed by prayer: +5 pointsOpening the sermon with a reference to a worship song: +2 pointsOpening the sermon quoting favorably a contemplative prayer proponent: -3 pointsOpening the sermon with a cheesy story about childhood: -4 pointsOpening the sermon with a “oops, where are my notes?”: -10 points
BONUS:Opening the sermon and forgetting to pray to God to help the preacher and the congregation understanding the text: -50 points
BONUS II:Opening the sermon with prayer but using the name of God as comma between sentences: -100 points
Original language points—that’s a pretty subjective call. I would say they can only be assigned when the pastor’s use actually enhances the sermon, and when the point he is making could not be made otherwise.
Re: Hymns/songs, you ought to add extra points when songs actually apply to the sermon topic (as ours do each week).
Thumbs down on your Billy Graham rule; the conversions piece is pretty weak; & your “# of instruments used” measurement is skewed toward larger churches.
I also think the Powerpoint Rule should be mitigated if it is used to provide the pastor’s outline (althought I totally agree with the “falls behind” clause, and I think you should double the penalty if the pastor is the one running the Powerpoint).
Other than that, top notch!
Oh, & I liked Matt’s “Scripture Reference” addition, but I think it should be weighted by type of translation (literal, dynamic, or paraphrase).
LOL. Next to the John Piper for MacArthur trade, I say this is one of your best posts :) Okay … slight exaggeration … but the point is that I like these things.
When is the draft?!! I want in!!!
z
I’m not opposed to or too embarassed to get up and walk out of a church service. If I attended a church that sang
8-11 songs = 4 points
I’ld be gone in a heartbeat.
Our family is relucantly in the market (as it were) for a new church and were only half joking about putting together a points system for our search. Once again, Tim has done the heavy (mathematical) lifting for us. Thanks!
-10 if the music leader is called “worship leader”-10 if the music leader says, “Now that we’ve worshipped, let’s hear the sermon…” (or the like)
-10 for each time Spurgeon is taken out of context or misquoted
-20 for each time Matthew 23:37/Luke 13:34 is misquoted
+20 if Acts 13:48 is quoted correctly (+40 if it is quoted correctly by an Arminian)-50 if the pastor cites the NWT rendering of Acts 13:48
-5 for each “special music” solo-5 for each person who claps after it
-5 for each occurrence of any of these words (Calvinists are excepted): whosoever, all, world, love, choose, free-will
-50 points for each vulgar word the pastor uses-25 points for each time the term “culturally relevant” is used positively-15 points for each use of the term “dialogue” or “share”
-75 points if the pastor is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts-100 points if the pastor is sitting down while preaching-200 points if the pastor is preaching via satellite
“-100 points if the pastor is sitting down while preaching”
That would apply to all of the early Church Fathers…
Blake -
I thought I was the only person who finds “above all” to be theologicall upside down. the song starts out so beautiful, singing of how lovely and praiseworthy Jesus is - and then goes ‘flip mode’.
(not surprisingly - I heard an interview with Paul Baloche (who co-wrote the song with Lenny Leblanc) and he said he wrote the first half (the good half) and then got stuck with where to go and Lenny came in and ruined the whole song) (of course Paul B. didn’t say that)
What about
-5 points for making announcements before or after the worship service
-10 points for making announcements in the middle of the worship service
What’s the point is having a bulletin if you are going to read everything out of it? And there’s nothing worse than breaking the worship service in half by talking about the menu for the “Wednesday night supper.”
Point of Clarification -
“Baptisms: 3 points per baptism.”
Now, is that infant or believer? Dunk or sprinkle? Sanctuary baptistery, pool, or natural body of water? In Jesus’ name only, or by the “Father, Son and Holy Spirit” (or Ghost - does it make a difference)?
TomDoctrine Matters
i need clarification, do on the hymns to contemporary ratio, is this by music style or when the words were written
-100 for refering to “The Message” as a translation.
This reminds me of a Church Service Bingo Card I made up years ago. When all the events on the card created a “Bingo” condition, participants were encouraged to stand up and shout “Bingo”.
thoroughly enjoyed this post… i couldn’t related to some of your other sports-related ones, but THIS one…. what a laugh.
and the comments/additions are hilarious! about “above all”, “the message”, and so forth.
“-100 for refering to “The Message” as a translation.”
HAHAHAHA Oh, this is the best post ever, and that comment made my day.
-5 if music starts playing while the pastor is still preaching/giving some sort of invitation.
Yes, the best ever!
And how about . . .
Actually expositing a verse +5Using the verse as a soap box -5Using the verse as a launching pad - 10Using the verse incorrectly/out of context -15Not using Scripture at all -20Preaching the Velventeen Rabbit - 30Preaching Arms Wide Open (Creed) - 40Preaching any movie - 50Preaching yourself -100
Isn’t this game out to lunch at the outset when one of the potshots has nothing but music/songs in the “worship” category?
-10 points when during the invitation you only hear parts of what the pastor is saying because the organ is too loud. “Come….down….ooooooold fashioned….rededicate…..Lord……..don’t……won’t come….”
-5 points for every person over 8 years old who falls asleep during the service. Plus the presiding preacher should get an asterisk put next to his name in the draft (stat- 33 sleepers in 05)
-20 points for every blonde haired, blue eyed picture of Jesus.
+10 for every time reader pronounce “fiery darts of the wicked” properly as opposed to “diery farts of the wicked.”
+10 for every time reader pronounce “fiery darts of the wicked” properly as opposed to “diery farts of the wicked.”
Good point, Joe…those things are harder to extinguish than the fiery darts!!!
-10 points for every sermon based on Emily Dickinson or other “classical” poetry
I got Joel Osteen with the my league’s first pick!!He scored a -666 this week!!
-1,000 for publically making fun of all the misled sheep in God’s pasture…
Matt HGod does not mislead His sheep. Goats on the other hand may not be walking in God’s pasture.
Hey we already have such a league in our church among members. The elite members who attend every service, function, etc. get to draft teams and the season goes from october to october and the team who loses, minus the team leader, we release the members on waivers no longer to be consider as part of our church … after all we desire only winners or those mildly coming in behind the championship team. This is also good in the fact you can “stack” a team with a bunch of loser church members you want to get rid of … and if you don’t like the preacher put him on the losing team and in a year he is released or at best put on the injured-reserved list.
Hey great article! Loved the humor … “fantasy church.” Some might die to be on such a church!
-10 points every time the pastor calls Jesus “dude” or “buddy”
-100 points if the pastor tells you that you need to love yourself more because you are made in the image of God
-20 pts having communion servers march down the middle isle during the last verse of “The Old Rugged Cross”
-50 if the order of the “service” is the same week after week, after week………
+ 500 if there is a Wednesday night supper before the service begins
-1000 pts because of burn out of the women in the congregation by making the Wednesday night suppers
Lovely post. A nice picker-upper. The comments too.
This past Sunday’s scores (yeah, I actually tallied them up! lol!)…
Teaching: 17Worship: 7Church: 14
Wish some of them were lower, actually…
-40 points for preachers who apply 2 Chronicles 7:14 to America.
“-5 for each “special music” solo-5 for each person who claps after it-75 points if the pastor is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts-100 points if the pastor is sitting down while preaching-200 points if the pastor is preaching via satellite”
1&2. So when someone takes the time to learn and sing something that is completely God focused, we shouldn’t respond with gratitude for that?
3. What if he is in Hawaii? If you’ve been there on those 90+ days with no wind in a building with no AC, you’ve preached in an Aloha shirt and shorts. It comes with the territory.
4. Tim already noted the early church father aspect of this, but how about the disabled pastor approach?
5. So when places like Bethlehem Baptist open multiple campuses and have Piper broadcast to all of them, it’s a bad thing?
Methinks these weren’t very well thought out.
We actually read through our announcements every AM worship setting (we usually have about 6) since a handful of our members cannot read.
This is funny—but do you really need to slam an elderly and godly man who has faithfully proclaimed the gospel? Though we may differ from him in some areas of theology, surely Billy Graham deserves our respect.
Otherwise, hilarious. Do churches really use U2 songs? Scary.
I don’t know, I’m still thinking about all this, but at first this post struck me as superficial and silly. It seems to totally contrary to the discipline of discernment.
There are just so many hasty generalizations, and the comments just allowed mud to sling everywhere. I realize it’s satire, but it just seems to push the wrong buttons.
Equating music with worship, and then assuming that there is some magical number of songs to be sung, an ideal arrangement of musical instruments, and a perfect ratio of “hymns” to “contemporary” (as if they could even be compared…) - wouldn’t it be more appropriate to ask whether the lyrics are biblical and God-honoring and the music is excellent and reverent? I’d rather sing one song to a single accordian accompaniment that extols the attributes of God and points to the cross than 10 by a big praise band that extol music and point to me.
Equating the use of original languages with good exposition, and then assuming that the use of different translations is always bad (do I still get points if the only translation I use is an awful one?) or that longer sermons are always better - I’d much rather hear a good sermon that is 30 minutes long and covers one verse than a bad one that is an hour long and covers pieces of 11 canonical books and 17 cultural references.
I’ve come to expect better here.
Forfeit for taking seriously anything said in this thread. Forfeit for overcategorizing music. Forfeit for point subjetivity in teaching. Forfeit for setting the inherent value of your particular church practice.
State or national flag in sanctuary: -20Offers both wine & grape juice at communion: +25Offers communion every week: +40At least one member who is friends with a homosexual: +75At least one member who is friends with (not “client of”) a stripper: +75At least one small group that meets in a coffee shop: +30At least one small group that meets in a bar: +50Church is less than 75% white: +50Pastor has previously held a full-time, non-ministry job: +30Church is actively seeking to plant daughter churches: +100
When I first read the post I thought, wow, isn’t this what the Baptist keep getting slammed for, tracking every aspect of church with numbers?hmmm…then I thought, ok, maybe this is tongue-in-cheek.But after the second time I read it, I thought that perhaps this is just too important to be done tongue-in-cheek. Maybe the discernment meter wasn’t turned up high enough on this one.
I think we’ve had as much fun here as we’re likely to have. This was fun, but I’m going to shut it down. It was tongue-in-cheek, and was obviously only ever meant to be tongue-in-cheek. The fact that points were awarded for use of the original language, as if that were an objective standard to measure a good sermon, ought to be proof of this. When people start taking it seriously, I know it’s gone on a bit too long.
Anyways, I enjoyed many of the reader contributions, many of which were far funnier than any I came up with. Thanks for the fun.