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Spiritual Healing in the Midst of a Husband's Addiction to Pornography
- 01/12/11
- 48
A short time ago, while posting a poem titled “I Looked for Love in Your Eyes,” I lamented that while there are many, many books written to help men overcome an addiction to pornography, there is very little written to help the women who have been victims of a husband’s addiction. Shortly after I received an email from Vicki Tiede who has written just such a title. Her book, titled Mosaic Heart: Spiritual Healing in the Midst of a Husband's Addiction to Pornography (Update: The book has been released as When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography) will be published by New Growth Press, probably about a year from now.
I asked Vicki if, in the meanwhile, she’d be willing to do an interview to offer some words of help to women who are struggling with the effects of their husband’s sin. She was kind enough to do so. Here is what I asked her:
What is the scope of this problem? How many women are struggling with the effects of a husband’s addiction to pornography?
For nearly every man who regularly views pornography, there is likely a wife or girlfriend experiencing the fallout resulting from his choices. According to TopTenReviews.com, 28.8 million U.S. men regularly visit pornography websites. 50-60% of Christian men struggle with addiction.
From a wife’s perspective, is there a difference between an addict and a more casual user? Should there be?
This is a great question. First let me give you a technical response and then I'll give you a heart response. The term "addiction" implies that there is a progression, tolerance, and an inability to stop the behavior even when there is a desire to stop. A single act of viewing pornography would not be an addiction. However, a "casual user," indicates more than a single act and I would suggest that a "casual user" is already on the slippery slope of addiction. Pornography has a snowball effect; what may begin as seemingly "innocent," occasional visits to a porn site often slowly increases to greater frequency of visits and for larger amounts of time.
Sadly, this increased exposure to porn results in desensitization and tolerance, so when free internet pornography no longer satisfies their supposed needs, some men expand their repertoire to include subscription pornography, massage parlors, strip clubs, prostitutes, hotel rooms, and travel expenses for clandestine affairs. So to answer your initial question - Is there a difference between a one-time exploration and an addiction? Yes. Is there a difference between an addict and a more casual user? No, there is not enough difference to suggest that we can dismiss casual use as harmless.
Now, here's the heart response of a wife ... I would ask the question, "Is the betrayal any less heartbreaking if a husband only has an extra-marital sexual affair 'once in a while,' and he insists he can 'stop having affairs anytime he chooses to do so,' than if he seeks sexual fulfillment from someone other than his wife several times a week and can't stop himself?" It seems ridiculous to even answer such a question, doesn't it? Whether a man claims to be a casual user of porn or is addicted, his wife still experiences the same feelings of rejection and loss.
To be honest, in my book I tell women that they should thank God if their husband is struggling with his addiction to pornography. That struggle is an indication that the Holy Spirit is at work. It's when a husband feels no conviction for his sexual sin that hope seems harder to hold onto.
What is the struggle of women whose husbands are battling (or perhaps given over to) pornography? What do men need to know about the way a husband’s use of pornography tends to affect his wife?
When the truth is unveiled about a husband's addiction to lust, self-gratification, and pornography a wife needs to take time to grieve her losses, of which there are many. They don't need to pretend everything is okay, when it's absolutely not. Topping the list of losses is trust. She trusted her husband enough to share everything with him--her heart, mind, and body-- and that's been betrayed. I spend a lot of time helping women wrestle down this issue in my book.
Many women also lose financial security and health. When most people grieve losses (i.e. in the case of a death), they are able to share their pain with friends and family who are aware of their suffering. Grief resulting from betrayal is unfortunately usually very private, covered in secrecy and shame. I sincerely want women to know that they are not alone and I equip them to choose safe and healthy support networks.
It's also very normal for the wife of a porn addict to feel suffocated by feelings of fear, need for control, guilt, anger, and dependence on her husband for her happiness and sense of self-worth. In my book, we walk through the process of surrendering those feelings and replacing them with healthy alternative, which are grounded in Scripture.
Finally, it stands to reason that when a man chooses to burn the midnight oil looking at computer-enhanced images and engaging in self-gratification rather than enjoying real intimacy with his wife, there are going to be significant repercussions in the marriage bed. Consequently, often much healing is necessary in the area of sexual intimacy.
When writing on this topic, why do you focus on spiritual healing? What about other types of healing (emotional, sexual, etc)?
My prayer is that a woman will focus her eyes on the God of Hope, rather than basing her hope and happiness on her husband's choices. Learning to allow God to meet her greatest needs is a long and learned process, probably longer than the amount of time it will take to go through my interactive book. It's a slow dance through brokenness in the arms of the Almighty. I know. I've been in her shoes and I've learned the intricate steps to finding Hope in the midst of a husband's addiction to pornography.
As a woman works her way through the book, learning how to let God heal her heart, she will also be dealing with her damaged emotions and painful sexual experience--total healing.
More than anything, I want my reader to know she isnot alone or abnormal in her experience and the ensuing feelings that come with a husband's choice to engage in pornography. I do this by providing true, first-hand accounts from 26 other women who have made it through or are successfully navigating sexual betrayal.
Mosaic Heartis interactive, giving the reader ample opportunity to engage in Scripture related to the stages of healing her heart. Guiding questions and plenty of white space give the reader a place to process her own story and discover how what she is learning in Mosaic Heart applies to her unique situation. As a result, she is able to redeem the pain of her own sexual betrayal in the wake of her husband's pornography addiction, and embrace personal and spiritual growth.
What are two or three things a woman needs to know in order to begin to think biblically about her husband’s addiction to pornography?
Only two or three? Okay, here it goes ...
First, she can't base her hope on her husband. Throughout the course of the book, many times she'll hear me say that her hope and happiness must not be dependent on the choices her husband makes every day.
Second, God longs to meet her in the center of her pain. He can handle her tears. He knows her anger. There isn't a feeling she's experienced that He hasn't experienced Himself. He hears her cries for mercy and He will come to her relief. Regardless of how deep her pit of despair, His hand can reach her. She can trust that whatever He allows in her life has eternal value.
Finally, even while she is in the midst of her husband's addiction to pornography, God is able to collect her broken and fragmented heart and begin creating a work of splendor in His masterful hands. Believe it. It's true.
What should a wife’s role be in helping her husband overcome an addiction to pornography? What should it not be?
I want to be clear about two things. First, Mosaic Heart is not meant to give a woman a list of tools and skills to fix her husband. This book is for and about her, not her husband. There are several outstanding nonfiction books that offer general information about what a pornography addiction is all about, however, my book is about healing her broken heart, it's not a "How to cure your husband's pornography addiction" manual. God is the only one who can and will heal her husband if her husband is willing to commit to the hard work. Our God, after all, is on a wild rescue mission to restore each of us to a right relationship with him. God can do it. She can't.
Second, despite anything her husband or others might have told her to the contrary, there is absolutely nothing she has done or not done that has caused her husband to choose pornography. Period.
Having said that, there are some things she can do to promote a healthy environment for healing. I address these at the end of my book. She can...
- Work toward forgiveness. (This is a process, not an event!)
- Fix her eyes on God and credit Him for the work He's doing in her heart, her husband's heart, and in their marriage.
- Talk to her husband about true intimacy.
- Address the issue of the pornography addiction. Talk about it!
- Be extremely sensitive to sexually charged media or resources in their home.
- Remember that God appointed the Holy Spirit the task of conviction. She is only responsible for her obedience to the Word of God. She is not responsible for his daily choices.
A healthy environment for healing does not include ...
- Acting like the "porn police."
- Withholding forgiveness because it feels like a "get out of jail free" card.
- Withholding intimacy, especially when healthy intimacy had been reestablished.
- Being vengeful.
- Ignoring her own issues of sin or brokenness.
- Being unwilling to separate his addiction from who he is aside from the deviant behavior. He is not all "bad," just as she is not all "good."
It seems that most pornography counseling focuses on helping the man overcome his addiction. Are pastors who counsel men prone to overlook the way pornography may have affected this man’s wife?
Yes.
Oh, you were looking for more than a one word answer?
I think this is absolutely true, but not because they intend to overlook the wife. I believe most available resources focus their attention on the man and how to help them stop their behavior. Many resources specifically for wives, are meant to educate women about the addiction. I wrote Mosaic Heart because I could findno published Christian books specifically addressing the spiritual healing that only God can provide a woman as she seeks total healing in the wake of sexual betrayal.
In addition to reading Mosaic Heart and working through the questions in the book, I strongly encourage women to seek professional counseling with a qualified therapist, pastor, or counselor-led support group. To be honest, many pastors feel ill-equipped to counsel a woman in this situation. I pray this book will provide an additional tool for therapists and pastors to offer wives, and that it will minister to her heart in order to equipher to be a healthy partner, which in turn promotes a restored marriage.
What would you say to the woman who can’t wait a year for your book?
To gain understanding about the addiction, I recommend the following book and website:
- Laaser, Debra. 2008. Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
- www.pureintimacy.org — Focus on the Family's website (Dr. James Dobson) has a great deal of information about intimacy, sexual addiction, and sexuality in general.
- I'd also encourage her to try to find a support group. www.purelifealliance.org — This website helps people find healing communities-support groups, counselors, resources.
I wish I could send every woman to her home church, but I'm hesitant to do so. I am well aware that some churches take the "medicate the symptoms" rather than "acknowledge and address the disease" approach when faced with issues like pornography and advanced levels of sexual addiction in the family. I love the local church and I feel very strongly about submitting to the authority of a healthy local church (emphasis on healthy). However, I encourage women to prayerfully proceed with caution. It pains me to feel the necessity to give this warning, but not all churches and pastors are safe places. I've heard too many stories of wounded women going to their church after learning about their husband's addiction, and receiving counsel that does not promote healing. In Mosaic Heart, I help women discern whether or not her church is a safe place to go for healing. My prayer is that with continued transparency about this issue in churches, more and more churches will become safe places for these women.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (48)
Tim,
Thanks for posting this interview with Vicki (she’s spoken at our church in Rochester, MN before). It was especially pertinent after this past weekend.
I had a young man in my congregation call me to tell me he would need to “back out” of a light ministry commitment because he had an addiction to internet pornography. I spoke with him at length.
However, about an hour later, I received, what could only be called a vitriolic call from his wife, berating me for making this seem like it was no big deal (I did no such thing, but she apparently wanted something more to be done than a long phone conversation, even though her husband has been going to a counselor for a couple of weeks now). She also declared that I could no longer be trusted because apparently, to use her words, “I no longer had the ability to show love for her” (it was my best guess that I should have preempted this problem?)
There are other issues at play here, but the extreme heartache and betrayal of trust was being pointed elsewhere at the same time. I’m hoping that she’ll be open to at least reading this interview. I look forward to Vicki’s book as well, thinking it will also give good support and encouragement to this young wife.
Thank you so much for posting this interview, so helpful and insightful. I have worked in church offices and have been a Woman’s Ministry leader throughout the past 30 years of my life. I have always felt unequipped and at a loss for words when trying to offer compassion and guidance to those women who find themselves in this painful place. Thank you also for speaking honestly, openly and lovingly towards BOTH the husband and wife, I have seen many a husband belittled, intimidated and banished because they could overcome their struggle with this sin. Thank you again!
The sad reality is going forward , this will probably become more of a couples problem with the increase in young women viewing porn on the rise and including it their regular sexual activities according to new research .
Having not been reared in a Christian home , like the majority of young teenage boys , the girlie mags were viewed . But the access was limited and not as wide open as today .
Trying to raise my 2 sons in a culture gone mad with perversion is difficult but I also think men need to teach their sons that God has a very positive attitude towards sex. Within marriage there is no shame , sex is sanctified . I have also told them that being attracted to a woman physically is also natural and not wrong as long as it does not go to lust. I often wonder if the Church had been a much more open and honest place concerning sex , if so many men would be adrift in their own sexual purgatory. Scared to confess , fearful of being ostracized instead of lovingly held accountable .
Many my not appreciate Mark Driscoll on the issues of sexuality but his bluntness and openness has helped a few young men I know , including my oldest son . We need to create safe places of forgiveness and healing in our Churches to combat this evil . May God give us the wisdom and grace to do so .
Tim , you Sexual Detox is an excellent resource and I have recommended it to our local Christian Pregnancy Center , who have began to minister to men in these areas.
This begs the question that I know many Christian men want to know. Should you tell your wife about your struggle? I have known of Christian counseling that has advised that the struggle should be withheld from the wife and shared instead with a trusted male accountability partner. The reason was that it would be too damaging for the wife and it was something that could be dealt with and overcome and just be a ‘thing of the past’. There are obvious problems with this advice, but because this is a common question and the advice is often bad, would you (Tim) and Vicki say that it is essential for a healthy marriage that a husband confess his sin and struggle to his wife?
She said, “Second, despite anything her husband or others might have told her to the contrary, there is absolutely nothing she has done or not done that has caused her husband to choose pornography. Period.”
I have to strongly disagree with this statement IN SOME CASES. You don’t need to talk to many married men before you figure out that for some, there is no (or almost no) availability of their wives at home for physical intimacy. In those cases, the men have four choices- become celibate, get a girlfriend, visit a prostitute, or view pornography (masturbation). None of these is a good choice, but one could argue that the last one is the least harmful, at least in the eyes of the affected man at the moment.
Radical feminism is dangerous to traditional marriage relationships, especially in terms of sex. Lets make sure that the cause of these issues is put where it belongs, and in some cases, that will indeed include things the wife has (not) done.
Great interview and a huge amount of Godly wisdom. The issue is difficult but not one that God doesn’t have answers for. Pornography and the whole sexuality thing are complicated by the “gateway” temptations we observe every day, such as sex in media. Something I have really found helpful in my own quest for some amount of personal purity is the coming to grips with the concept of God’s pure character. R. C. Sproul’s book, The Holiness of God, has been a wonderful resource. Thanks, Tim, for your usual excellent posts.
I am SO excited about this book! I would love to tell you our story, actually God’s Story of our lives so far! it is Amazing! I have had oh lets say FIVE years of our Seven years of Marriage in dealing and Healing with this sin!And I am not an Expert but I have 3 things that the Lord has opened my eyes too! 1. Sin is Irrational… A wife will NEVER understand Pornography! EVER!! And personally bathing ourselves in the truth that it is a SIN Just like Gossiping or Worrying, Helps me think of the cross and seeing that Sin is sin is sin! Although, Sexual sin in a human mind is “sicker” Before an all Holy God Black is Black and Sin is Sin. 2. When we stop and check our attitudes and we processes them from the point of view of “The Chief end of man is to …GLORIFY God…” If my thoughts, actions, and Emotional responses are not put through the “sieve” of Glorifying god then I am in SIN and I am in the same place that My Husband is! (that was all I prayed in my struggles “LORD, May I give you and you alone GLORY Forgive My Husband For give my attitude of Un-forgiveness of unrighteous Anger of wanting him to suffer as I have…… “And so on. When you keep you eyes and heart there the HEALING comes sooner and you feel the Lord “Bottling up your tears” of hurt and Betrayal. 3. Satan has a Double victory if I sin… This was probably the most motivating for me. Satan My have had my Husbands heart and mind But I wouldn’t allow that of me!This was a DAILY fight because Re-living those thoughts of “Poor me” and thinking about what he had done or was doing made me think of Images or have unrighteous anger against my husband! And in EVERY one of those situations SATEN would then have little victories and I would then be on the slippery slope of Addiction to Bitterness and Worry and Anger and Pride and Ultimately Ungodliness!
Lastly, when I talk about unrighteous Anger, that is anger against my husband.Righteous Anger is Anger at the Sin and its father!Righteous anger is LOVING THE SINNER AND HATING THE SIN!Pray that God would be glorified!Thank you again for this book and I will look for it next year!! :)Apryl Y.
Tim, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for posting this interview. My husband has struggled (thank God he struggles!!) with viewing images on the computer from the beginning of our marriage, and it has been something that has caused much damage in our marriage. It not only affects trust and intimacy, but my husband’s skewed view of sexuality has infiltrated our bedroom and at times, caused much damage to me through being an object of his lust and treated as such.
One thing I would beg pastors (and other men who are counseling couples) to realize is that while this is most definitely a sin issue between the person who is using pornography and God, it is a multi-faceted issue, with effects that reach into the marriage and the very heart of the wife. It is incomplete to treat only the spiritual condition of the person using pornography and to leave unattended the spiritual and emotional effects on the wife and marriage.
I would agree with Vicki that, at least in my case, that the wife tends to shift focus and instead of relying on God for her emotional fulfillment and worth, she internalizes her husband’s struggle and uses it to draw her worth from. That is a huge area that needs attention when counseling a couple. I would caution, though, that gentleness is important in all of it. Of course, all of this is from my own experience, which involves mostly being the wounded woman desperately seeking counsel and help from my local church and receiving counsel that did more damage, at times being completely removed from the counseling process while my husband was attended to.
One thing I would still desire to see addressed is the issue of intimacy while the husband is or has recently viewed pornography and how 1 Corinthians 7 applies during those times. There have been times when the emotional effects on me have been so intense that the thought of being intimate made me physically feel sick, after knowing what and who his affections had been turned toward. In order to be intimate while feeling that way, I would have to completely disengage emotionally and make it completely physical, which I can’t see being healthy or desirable for me or the marriage. I struggle with confusion as to my “duty” to not deprive my husband and the emotional consideration that should be given when trust and intimacy has been broken in such a way.
Tim, thanks again for this considerate article, and for being sensitive to the way this affects not just the person viewing the pornography, but the spouse as well, and for being so faithful to minister to the Church through your blog and influence. Thank you, Vicki, for writing such a book and for agreeing to this interview. It helps to know that women such as myself are not forgotten.
@Doc B:
i’m sorry, but your statement that a man has only four choices is completely wrong. Your understanding of this issue is superficial and flawed.
The author is right. There is NOTHING a woman has done to CAUSE her husband to sin. NOTHING. His choice to sin is HIS choice, not hers.
If a man finds himself tempted toward sexual sin in order to deal with the sexual intimacy issues in his marriage, then he must confess those temptations to someone who can keep him accountable regarding them, then he needs to talk to his spouse about the struggle he is battling through with how infrequent they are intimate with one another. If he does this, one of three things will occur:
1) His wife will see that she has neglected her husband and not loved him well through no fault of his or her own, apologize for her oversight, and then make the necessary changes in order to rectify the wrong. In this case it seems clear that there has been some simple misunderstanding that can be corrected,
2) Through this conversing and communicating they may both discover areas where they have neglected or sinned against one another, repent, and then reconcile those areas toward more faithful service of one another leading to greater sexual intimacy. This is most often the case; where he has driven her away from him in areas he is unaware of or refusing to recognize and she has, perhaps unwittingly, retaliated by withholding intimacy from him, or
3) They may need to seek counseling in order to sort out the reasons for this situation. Either of them may be unwilling to repent or deal with past hurt and baggage that is getting in the way. This may require a prolonged period of counseling with an older, wiser couple, or may require professional help.
The choices you have given are not choices he should ever be making as all of them involve perpetuating sin, rather than seeking gospel solutions. There is really only one choice. Communication in order to expose hurt, sin, insecurities, fears, baggage, carry-ons, etc., is the ONLY choice that a real Christian man who finds himself in the situation you describe should be making.
~a
I usually READ comments and keep mine to myself; but to this I must strongly disagree. I am the wife of a husband who was found to be addicted to pornography. Though our sex life might have diminished over the last five years - it takes two! In most cases, from what I read, the man that is addicted, however minor or major, to pornography has issues with not being able to provide emotional intimacy. That is the #1 requirement of most women. So, when he’s failing in that area, she is not responding in the physical intimacy area. She resents being a sex object for 5 - 10 minutes and then hates the emptiness before and after. This is not a “radical feminism” issue. The man is called to love his wife as Christ loved the Church - sacrificially. This means it is the man’s responsibility to LEARN how to satisify his wife’s needs in front of his own. If he puts his wife’s needs in front of his own, he will enjoy the results. That’s the way God designed it. In no way, shape or form is a girlfriend, prostitute or pornography acceptable. Celibacy may be necessary to cleanse himself and until he has treated his wife decently, allowing her time to respond.
Dave -
Having been through this, it is essential that it is shared with your wife. God’s word speaks at length about being honest, and withholding truth is the same as being false.
I had no idea when I was in this sin the impact it was having on my wife and marriage. In some ways, I think it is worse than an actual affair, because everything you look at is a betrayal to your marriage.
More than anything else, I have been shocked at the damage I did to the trust between my wife and myself. With God’s grace, I have been able to overcome my problem in a few months, but rebuilding the trust with my wife and restoring our relationship is still a work in progress.
If you’re interested, I share my story at http://justopenthebook.com/faithtakers/index.php/2010/04/21/the-best/. One of the best resources for anyone battling this addiction is www.settingcaptivesfree.com. They include a study with mentoring for wives that has been very helpful as we have recovered and rebuilt.
I (Vicki) would love to take a moment to respond to a few of the questions and comments I’m seeing.
Dave, your question about whether a husband’s confession is essential for a healthy marriage. I would inclined to say, “yes.” While it may be true that the wife isn’t aware of her husband’s struggle with pornography yet, she is very likely experiencing the ramifications of his struggle. “I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t know what it was.” Not telling is essentially the same thing as lying, and if the goal in a marriage is for trust, honesty, and openness, then there needs to be full disclosure. HOW the struggle is disclosed will set the tone for healing. Believe me, it’s far better to have your husband share the struggle with you honestly and tell you his plan for recovery, than to walk in on him, find shocking things on the computer, or have him announce that he’s been fired because of his struggle.
Andrew, thank you. Well said. I was just about to respond to Doc, but you took the words out of my mouth. Anonymous, I think you’re saying the same thing as well. You are both right and I stand by my position. God calls all men to be pure and if a husband chooses not to remain pure, that his sin and his alone to own. There shall be no finger pointing.
Another Anonymous reader asked about 1 Corinthians 7 in the midst of the addiction. Of all the issues related to this addiction, none is as controversial, personal, and potentially damaging as the issue of sexual intimacy after a betrayal. A woman reading my book will never hear me say that she has a biblical responsibility to be sexually intimate with her husband once a week to ensure that he won’t turn to pornography. Neither will she hear me affirm that it’s a good thing that she’s withheld such intimacy from her husband for the last several years.Sexual intimacy is by God’s design. When a woman says “yes” to sexual intimacy with her husband, it should be because the two of them already share emotional and spiritual intimacy. Read that again. Until a husband and wife enjoy spiritual and emotional intimacy, they can’t enjoy sexual intimacy as God designed it.
When a sexual addiction comes to light, it is more than reasonable - perhaps advisable - that the couple take a sexual fast for a period of time. (I’m talking about days, weeks, or months … not years.) First Corinthians 7:5 says, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” There is a time for a fast and a time to break the fast. During that break from sexual intimacy, there needs to be a devotion to prayer and to healing communication. In the book, I give women very specific ideas of things they can be doing during this interim as well as ways to work toward reunion. The wife has experienced a deep wound, which will take time to heal. She should be patient and kind to herself during this time, but she should never use God’s gift of intimacy as a means of wreaking vengeance on her husband.
I love the dialogue. Keep it coming!
Vicki, thanks so much for putting into words what I have felt in my heart. I am the “Anonymous” that asked about 1 Corinthians 7. It helps to have that affirmed rather than have a set of verses held up to me to “force” me to agree to a sexual encounter that is emotionally damaging to me! The challenge is getting people to acknowledge that healing for me actually does need to take place.
I can’t say “thank you” enough. But, I’ll say it one more time. Thank you!
I would hugely second this next to last paragraph about how to apply 1 Corinthians 7. After 14 years, I cannot continue “the duty” anymore.
AGREE!!
I appreciated this and passed it on. I do think that understanding differences between forgiveness and reconciliation is important for wives who feel stuck and without hope for change. Without creating a lengthy response,I’ll share a link for those interested infurther exploration:
7 signs of true repentance
10 guidelines for those hesitant to reconcile
http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2007/07/28/forgiveness-is-one-thing-reco…
Thanks again for faithfully addressing this issue!
Vicki (and Tim),First, thank you Tim for the “interview”.Secondly, thank you Vicki for consenting to the interview and allowing Tim to post it. You didn’t say anything new or inspiring, but what you did was speak to my heart of things I’ve struggled with for almost two decades.You see, when my firstborn was just a baby, I found out my husband was struggling with pornography. And it did progress to his visits to clubs, massage parlors and an incident of oral sex with a woman in that massage parlor a few years ago. The latter incident I learned about some 6 months after. The most difficult part is that my husband is a pastor. In the other things I “caught” him or forced the truth from him. The last incident he confessed to—I had no idea. He asked for forgiveness and I forgave him. But I must admit that it has been difficult. I try not to be the “police”, I will sometimes ask questions to keep him accountable, but the part I struggle with most is that I believe he is disqualified from the ministry. I don’t know. It’s a struggle for me. And I am sure I am not the only wife of a pastor who’s husband is struggling in this area. I know that my husband is “trying”, he faces a real struggle but I do believe there has been a change over the last few years. However, I just can’t reconcile in my mind what has happened and if his continuing in the ministry at this time is biblically right. No one else knows this. Just the two of us and our Savior. It’s been difficult and most days are good. It is difficult surrendering my suspicious spirit to Christ though.Thank you.
As a woman, I have felt this pain, and I have spoken to others in this pain. I came to the point, where I understood that I could help, or I could operate out of my own pain, at his expense. Making him pay penance - until your pain is resolved - is not helpful.
I went through a period of time when my husband was involved in a perverse type of porn. I realized that my commitment was not to my husband, it was to the Lord and my commitment to my marriage before the Lord.
We know that temptation comes through sexual denial and I added to that downward spiral.
Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control
Not a time of punishment, not for a time of hurt, not for a time of vindictiveness.
You (as being within a marriage) do not have the right to withhold your body from your husband. It is not…your…body
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. (1 Cor. 7:4)
Anonymous said, . He asked for forgiveness and I forgave him.
Have your forgiven as the Father forgives?
Psalm 103:10 He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
How quickly are we restored in the Lord, when we confess and repent? How quickly does He come to our help? How often does He withhold His love?
Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”
How long do you wish to hold yourself as judge over his repentance?
You are not in control of HIS porn.
But YOU, at this point, are in total control of the cycle of sexual denial and the temptation that come as a result of that denial.
Your husband has a serious spiritual problem. You can help, or you can hurt.
Will your love (patient, kind, not keeping a record of wrong) win out over his sin?
Grace … grace … grace …
I often tell women that there is her experience with a husband addicted to porn and then there’s everyone else’s experience. No two situations are identical. There is no strict timeline for forgiveness. There is also no strict guideline to a sexual fast after betrayal. As I said before, this is a process, not an event. To be frank, many women forgive too quickly because they believe they are commanded to forgive, sometimes even before their husband has followed up his repentance with a turning from sin and obvious change in behavior.
It’s not for any of us to judge how quickly another woman should forgive, or how quickly she should feel ready for sexual intimacy.
Anonymous #17, I’m so truly sorry for the difficult position you are in and the pain you’ve experienced. In 2001, 4 in 10 pastors said they had visited pornographic web sites. I imagine that number may be higher now. You are not wrong to express concern about your husband’s ability to serve in ministry when he is still struggling with pornography. That’s a reasonable concern and one that requires prayer, study of Scripture, consultation with wise counselors, and sensitivity. I pray that no one adds to your pain by judging you. Grace and peace to you.
There is no strict timeline for forgiveness.
Yes, there is.
Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” (Luke 17:4)
In a day. 70x7. We must forgive them.
It’s not for any of us to judge how quickly another woman should forgive, or how quickly she should feel ready for sexual intimacy.
We are getting “wife-centric” here. Neither spouse has authority over their own body..
I have judged no other woman here.
I merely wish to exercise discernment against unbiblical advice to women to usurp their husbands’ authority over their own bodies (resulting in sexual denial) - and vice versa for that matter.
You cannot heal a marriage by violating it.
If we look to Scripture for guidance, we find that
1) forgiveness is required upon repentance.2) As many times as it takes (70x7)3) We can expect as much forgiveness from God…as we measure unto others4) Whether motivated by pain, or by porn, neither spouse has Godly authority to deny their one-flesh covenant partner.
Vicki~Thank you and I do pray for wisdom. Daily. It is daily battle in this sin-soaked world when our eyes our tantalized daily. Thank you for the reminder of grace.
Anonymous with the picture. :) Not sure where you interpreted what I said as depriving my husband from my body but that is not happening one bit. Does not mean it’s not a challenge but do please be careful with reading between the lines. Also, not sure where the lecture came from but….I have forgiven my husband. It is not without a frequent battle of the heart when situations arise, but the forgiveness is always granted. Even when it is not asked for. However, the wounds are deep and the scars raw. The Lord graciously provides me with strength each time a situation is dealt with. For that I am beyond grateful and know that without it, I would have despaired long ago.You said:”How long do you wish to hold yourself as judge over his repentance?”Respectfully, I did not realize I had done this. Without knowing further details, perhaps it would be biblically wise to reserve these comments and keep them to yourself?As one who professes to have been through this, I am surprised and saddened by your abrupt and harsh response. As difficult as these 18 years have been for me, by God’s grace in both of our lives He is changing us. One day I look forward to perfection in Heaven and know until then, life will be difficult yet the sanctification is ongoing. Edifying (building up) and encouraging those around you will go a long way in your walk as a Christ-follower. :) I mainly wanted to vocalize questions that I have had for a very long time and have never been able to share with another. It’s difficult to keep these difficult “secrets” to oneself. Prayed for you tonight anonymous!
@ Anonymous (9:51pm)
When there is true repentance, you are correct that there is no “timeline” for forgiveness. “Repent” in Luke 17:4 is the same word as the “repentance” in 2 Cor 7:10, but not the same word as “grief” (For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death).
An “I’m sorry” that is simply worldly grief has no mandate for forgiveness.
Personal discernment should be used when biblically figuring out whether that person is dealing with worldly grief or repentance that leads to salvation.
I believe that is the point Vicki is trying to make.
I’m sorry - I’m on a different computer that didn’t fill in the blanks for me….this is the “real” anonymous with the picture.
Anonymous (post 21) - I am sorry that I wrote too many “you’s” and many of them were generic “you,” when (in fact) I was typing to three different audiences, you, Vicki and women in general.
One of most Godly women I have ever had the privilege of knowing counseled me that I needed to be right with God…that I needed to to be strong in my commitment to my marriage before God…before I could help my husband be healed…part of that was the counsel that I had no rights over my body, within that marriage covenant.
My husband died nearly 10 years ago and when he died he was right with God. He told me that part of the reason that he returned to God was the stand that I took and my drive stand firm within the covenant. That my forgiveness and restoration made a difference.
So when I see women counseling other women to take time to forgive and that it is okay to withhold sexual intimacy until they feel ready…I know that Scripture tells us that is WRONG.
So to you (Anonymous) I say that to forgive and to give of yourself is the will of God.
To Vicki, I say that I have been there and done that…and came out better for it.
To women in general, I say…look to Scripture. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching…and you will have the counsel that you need.
Thank for answering Doc B. His reply was really upsetting to me. I have been told over and over again by my counselor that my husband’s porn problem which led to his arrest, was not my problem. HE choose to step over the line and sin.
What a difference in your comment and the article. Her emphasis is on God’s help for the woman who is betrayed. Yours says nothing about a man who feels the same way turning to God for help. “My wife me made me do it” is not ever a good argument for sin.
@AndrewYou took the words right out of my mouth, brother.
@DocI pray that you realize your understanding of this issue actually excuses the sin and empowers / encourages men to pursue one of your ‘choices’ as an alternate to intimacy with their wife. I’m sure you do not intend to dismiss the sin, but that’s what you’re doing. This objective view of pornography in marriage sickens me. Andrew hit it on the head - those 4 choices shouldn’t even cross our minds as Christian men seeking to grow in holiness (grow more and more into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ). The fact that it actually does should freak us out and push us closer and closer to the cross! (As Spurgeon puts it “THE SACRIFICE”)
The ONLY alternative is the Gospel.
If there is any other motive in your heart, it is a perverse motive and needs to be replaced with the Gospel. We should be driven to holiness by God’s grace - which He provides anew each and every day. It breaks my heart to think about that pour wife who has a husband (AND PASTOR) pointing their finger and putting their thumb down on them like this - “Honey, you’re causing me to sin - you’re pushing me over the edge into sexual impurity. Therefore, have sex with me, or else I will go and find someone / something that can fulfill this desire.” Now, where’s the Gospel in that?
I’m sure this is what Vicki meant when she explained how “not every church and pastor are safe places.” You speak against extreme feminism (which it is not - it’s Biblical) and promoting humanism.
Also - what would be your choices for a single man? A young man / boy dealing with sexual sin. Do you have new alternatives? Again, there is One alternative - it is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
Thank you Vicki for your tenderness.
-sam (1 Peter 3:13-18)
I disagree with the poor-me male syndrome that he is the one doing without and therefore turns outside the marriage to be fulfilled! This is coming from a wife who couldn’t have wanted” it ” more and begged for sexual attention only to be the one who watched her mate roll over, presenting rejection with his back to her. “I’m too tired, not in the mood…I have a headache.” I finally told him that I would no longer be humilated by rejection, that it hurt too much therefore I would no longer attempt to initiate sex. It was later discovered that his rejection of me was “saving himself” for his secretary, lap dancers, strippers, porn stars, escorts, bookmarked internet porn sites and more than 40 hidden porn videos in the home ( to view when the physical bodies were not around due to lack of money! ). Please, each of you (M or F) face up to your own actions and the responsibility for the initiation and aftermath fallout of adultry! Poor things that you are… blaming your weakness on your mate. Even after all the discoveries, according to you I would turn to someone else for what my husband has (not) done. Well I didn’t! Drowning in tears that have lasted a decade, I have remained faithful through it all. All the planning and deceit my husband went through, such as getting me out of the house (and bed) running his errands to bring a prostitute home to that same bed while I was absent! It runs a cycle about every 10 years as I recap our marraige past in my mind. Through God’s Grace we are still married; however, now if I don’t “do” on his schedule, or don’t have the appetite I used to , it is not from a lack of love, but from having to live with all the visions of hundreds of betrayals, lies and secrets spanning a 40 year period. And when we now are entwined , his eyes are always closed during “sex.” Sex vs. “making love .” (how I view it now vs. before. ) Freddy Fender’s chart topping Country Western “oldie” best describes my current torment : “Who were you thinking of when we were making love last night?” And no, we have not had counselling. He does not want to talk about it…”it is the past, it can’t be changed…get over it!”
So quit the “it’s HER fault” reasoning and take the appropriate responsibility for your own actions. Look a little deeper if you can’t step beyond that thought process, maybe your mate is doing nothing because YOU deliver nothing, or at the most emptiness, longing and many unanswered questions needed for resolution and moving on.
You find instant gratification with another as it is easier than investing time in finding the root cause of the situation, real or perceeived. The same lack of time you spend avoiding the aftermath healing of the betrayed spouse, the one person who chose not to run to another because of their vows taken seriously in their love for you. The shattered dreams, broken heart, weight of betrayal are so heavy and devastating …something that should never be carried alone. Remember that those “professionals” who take your money for “sex” only remember you for as long as your money lasts. When your spouse says “I miss you” they are attempting investment in you and the relationship, when your partners in adultry (in person or telephone/internet sessions) say that - they merely miss your money. Yes, I do realize in SOME CASES… more than will ever be disclosed… DOC B. is correct. However in all due respect, unfortunately my case stands against the thought process shared here by DOC B. Just realize that there is much more to this complex issue than either DOC B. or I have shared. Thank you for the opportunity to give my thoughts and your time invested in reading and possibly pondering over them. Please open your hearts and minds to the issue at hand and not simplify it with the typical male rationalization that it is a “She ” problem solved by a “He” solution.
#24 and #27 Anonymous ~ I’m so sorry you have had to experience this pain. I pray that you’ve had support and that you’ve felt the loving arms of the Almighty around you. Those arms are long enough to reach you regardless of how deep your pit feels.
May I applaud the numerous gentlemen who have posted here and supported and affirmed the truth that this is NOT the fault of the wife and that the husband’s choice to sin is his to own. Blame must never be foisted on the wife. I genuinely thank God for your willingness to stand up for women in your posts and for your encouragement that men take responsibility for their actions.
While we have all said that it is the husband’s choice to sin, some of us believe that the sins are so intertwined, that it is the responsibility of each spouse to help the other deal with temptation.
The Scripture to back that up has been quoted. Young’s Literal Translation puts it:
Defraud not one another…
The other matter is the one of forgiveness. Adding the sin of holding a man’s sin against him after he has repented…putting one sin on top of another…rarely leads to good.
Either that, or we have a very wife-centric view of…
If the man turns to porn, it is the man’s fault.
If the wife refuses to forgive him, it’s the man’s fault.
No wonder men are leaving the church in droves.
Blame must never be foisted on the wife. I genuinely thank God for your willingness to stand up for women in your posts and for your encouragement that men take responsibility for their actions.
Please note, my comments dealt 100% with how women respond to their husbands, even after their husbands repent.
I firmly believe that wives should be held responsible for defrauding their marriages when withholding sexual intimacy during that time. There is no Scripture that allows for a spouse usurping authority over the body that belongs to the other during a time of anger.
There is plenty of Scripture that instruct us to repay evil with good, to not let the sun go down upon our wrath, to give our bodies freely to our spouse.
The wisest counsel I received was to heap wave after wave of love - to approach him, to love him, to give of myself. To reject selfishness in favor of helping to overcome temptation.
The wife hold a lot of power. They have the power to offer healing and they have the power to drive the wedge even deeper between them.
They have to power to be generous with their bodies and they have the power to award their husbands with sex after the man has jumped through the right hoops.
I’d encourage love, generosity, forgiveness, restoration, and selflessness.
Extremes. Extremes. Too many extremes, talking past each other.
Anonymous (comment 27): Your husband is obviously dealing with extreme sexual addiction, in need of full-scale clinical and pastoral intervention on a long term basis. You were willing to fulfill your covenant role and duty to your husband and the marriage itself. There is, in your case, no fault on your part or contribution to this descent into deep sexual sin.
MzEllen: Your situation is the other end of the scale (and more common), namely a wife who was not fulfilling her covenantal role/duty and thus contributing to his difficulties struggling against sexual sin.
Vicki: I believe you and a couple others here are missing each other. There is a difference between saying that a wife (or husband for that matter) is “responsible” for the spouse choice to sin sexually, vs. simply noting that the Bible has much to say about our own role and responsibility in the temptation of others. The best example might be how we counsel young women to dress modestly to avoid provoking lust in men. We do not do this to blame young women when a man looks at her and lusts, but we merely acknowledge (as does Scripture) that women should no give offense either. I think that’s the point DocB and MzEllen have braved to make; namely to note the Bible’s clear teaching that sexual denial or fulfillment can play a huge role in causing or preventing the stumbling of a spouse. I hope you can affirm that point.
Eloquorius - while I recognize the role that a wife may (or may not) play before the porn wreaks havoc, I am trying also to address the unblibical teaching that encourages a wife to defraud her husband until “she is ready” - after the porn has been confess and repented of.
To know that a husband is struggling with temptation and to reject him, is only to add yet another burden to an already struggling man.
Whether or not a wife rejects her husband after he has repented…that sin lays squarely on her shoulders.
MzEllen, I’m sorry that you too have walked this path and that you lost your husband 10 years ago. Clearly, you have very strong feelings about this subject. I would just like to gently and respectfully point out that I have certainly not said, nor have any others who have posted here said that we should NOT forgive the repentant man. On the contrary, we are to follow the model of God’s forgiveness for Christians.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
So, what does that look like in practice? It means we aren’t forgiving just for the sake of feeling better. It’s a commitment to pardon the one who has offended you. As you yourself have said, it’s conditional upon repentance. (Repentance means a turning from sin, not a continuation in the sin.) Our motive for forgiving is because we love God and we are to love our neighbor. We forgive because we desire to be reconciled … to be in right relationship again.
I think the point that has been made, which maybe is tripping you up a bit, is that when you are IN THE MIDST of dealing with a husband’s addiction, he is still actively using porn and moving into the 2-4 levels of sexual addiction, when he is not taking responsibility and is UNrepentant, then just as Christ did NOT forgive the UNrepentant, we are not to forgive the UNrepentant. Not forgiving an unrepentant husband who is still caught up in the sin is biblical. In that context, it is essential that the wife still work through her feelings and make every human effort not to become bitter. She must stand ready to forgive (I say this emphatically in my book! When he repents, we forgive.) and she must absolutely not be vengeful. And while that wife waits for the Holy Spirit to get a firm grip on her husband, she needs to pray and watch for what God is going to do.
I’ve accepted the invitation to “visit (your) web site.” :) You have said, “I will never say that a husband’s choice to use porn is the sin of the wife.” I was glad to see you say that on your own web site, as I think we might be getting the wrong impression from your posts here. Thank you for setting that straight.
One more thing. If you notice, I addressed 1 Corinthians 7:5 in one of my early responses. “Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Nowhere in my response am I telling a woman to deprive her husband. This passage gives four imperatives regarding abstaining from sexual intimacy in a marriage:1. except by agreement,2. for a time,3. so that you may devote yourself to prayer,4. come together again.
There is nothing unbiblical about following these 4 guidelines when sexual sin has been unveiled in a marriage. Most truly repentant men will recognize and accept that one of the ramifications of his choices is that damage has been done to the marriage bed. Forgiveness does not absolve a man from consequences and one of those consequences is that he and his wife may need to take a break from sexual intimacy for a time, so they may focus on prayer, healing, and reestablishment of healthy sexual intimacy between the two of them.
Don’t misunderstand me, please. Women have a biblical responsibility to be intimate with their husband, but Scripture does allow for a break from that commitment when those 4 points are being followed. I think many of the men who posted before this have already biblically handled the issue of women not being blamed for their husband’s choices. If she is withholding intimacy, then there is a call for increased communication between the couple to find out what that’s about. Is there a breakdown in their emotional and spiritual relationship?
Understand that when a porn addiction goes unchecked, many men who start out viewing pornography end up engaging in hard-core and illegal sexual encounters. Sexual intimacy with your husband when he is actively engaged in perverse sexual sin may be dangerous to your health and well-being.
It seems as though MzEllen would say that a man raping his wife would be fully justified and not a sin. I certainly hope this is not what you believe, and that you are simply having a problem with communicating your thoughts well. I find much of what you say to be truly disturbing. It seems, when going over the instructions to not withhold sex, that you forgot the instructions for a man to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Laying his life down for her, putting her needs first. If she needs time to heal after the husband sins against her, then a loving husband would and should not demand sex. No husband that loves his wife would insist on having sex when knowing the act would be emotional torture for her. And if the woman has not had time to heal, that is exactly what it would be.
Thank you for your insight.
I meant thanks for DocB’s insight.*
I meant thanks for Andrews insight.* Sorry for messing up so many times. This computer stuff gets confusing.
I would also like to add that maybe the children that have to suffer through a parent’s addiction needs counseling as well. I’m not sure if many people think about the children, but often times when two parents have problems, it effects them, whether a parent knows it or not.
@anonymous
It seems as though MzEllen would say that a man raping his wife would be fully justified and not a sin
Please give me a quote on that. In fact, please scour my entire five years of blogging and find a quote where I said anything even vaguely like that.
Or tell us that your “it seems” was merely an idle testimony.
that you forgot the instructions for a man to love his wife as Christ loved the church.
This post (and so my comments) is about women and their reactions to their husband’s sin. If a post is started on how men can love their wives, that would be really good place to address the instruction for a man to love his wife.
The passage about men loving their wives is in the same passage about wives submitting to their husbands - and I “forgot” that also.
No husband that loves his wife would insist on having sex when knowing the act would be emotional torture for her.
For days? Weeks? Months? Does he have any input about how long this time of consequence will go on? MONTHS?
If it is all in her control, how is this consensual?
(by the way, I understand that this “sexual fast” may be a necessary thing - I disagree that it should possibly go on for months. If months would set him up for more temptation, then she (general she, not aimed at anybody) could become his stumbling block.
I (obviously) haven’t read an unpublished book. I would like to know if he has any input about this time of consequence. I would like to know if she is under accountability to move toward sexual reconciliation.
In the meantime, anonymous, if you are going to say things like “seems like I’d support a man raping his wife” - at least have some semblance of a quote.
Both for “Mzellen” (I say this respectfully—practice what you preach
http://mzellen.com/blogging-with-gentleness-and-respect/personal-expecta…)
and others…It’s sad it has come to this.Remember Ephesians 6:12—We aren’t battling one another, although we can be the tools used to cause destruction. Many are hurting but it is wonderful to know that II Peter 1 encourages us with the promises that in Christ and His Word contains all we need that pertains to life and godliness. No matter the pain and hurt, answers are available. Those answers are not in the opinions of others or someone’s life experiences, although these things do shape how we see things. The answers are in God’s Word and in wise counselors who humbly take His precious Word to walk us through those trials and pain. They are real, personal, painful and at times seemingly hopeless beyond comprehension. Where humans reside, there will be error and differing personal perspectives which is why Christ repeatedly encourages us to cloak ourselves with humility and graciousness. We must look at lives through the lens of God’s Word, not our own words and with eyes clouded with pride(James 3). Not one of us, with a few strokes of the keyboard, can begin to understand the full scope of the issues many of these individuals have BRIEFLY described. I’m so sorry for those hurting…the ones who have voiced their pain here and the ones who silently cry themselves to sleep nightly. For their spouses who struggle with pornography (be it male or female)-may Christ become the one they cling to, for in Him alone can that change happen.I’m so thankful for Tim who posted this (I’m sure he had no idea it would come to this) and to Vicki who is writing this book. We may not all agree with one another but may it be that we graciously love one another when we see the gospel being given. It’s all about the gospel and what Christ has done. Praise God for without the gospel, all of our lives would be in shambles. May we be Christ followers who come along side others as salt and light, to bring hope to a lost world.
@anonymous
It seems as though MzEllen would say that a man raping his wife would be fully justified and not a sin
Please give me a quote on that. In fact, please scour my entire five years of blogging and find a quote where I said anything even vaguely like that.
Or tell us that your “it seems” was merely an idle testimony.
that you forgot the instructions for a man to love his wife as Christ loved the church.
This post (and so my comments) is about women and their reactions to their husband’s sin. If a post is started on how men can love their wives, that would be really good place to address the instruction for a man to love his wife.
The passage about men loving their wives is in the same passage about wives submitting to their husbands - and I “forgot” that also.
No husband that loves his wife would insist on having sex when knowing the act would be emotional torture for her.
For days? Weeks? Months? Does he have any input about how long this time of consequence will go on? MONTHS?
If it is all in her control, how is this consensual?
(by the way, I understand that this “sexual fast” may be a necessary thing - I disagree that it should possibly go on for months. If months would set him up for more temptation, then she (general she, not aimed at anybody) could become his stumbling block.
I (obviously) haven’t read an unpublished book. I would like to know if he has any input about this time of consequence. I would like to know if she is under accountability to move toward sexual reconciliation.
In the meantime, anonymous, if you are going to say things like “seems like I’d support a man raping his wife” - at least have some semblance of a quote.
@Tammy - what words have I used that were not respectful?
If you mean “love means never having to be told you’re wrong” - I would expect that from a more liberal site.
We must look at lives through the lens of God’s Word, not our own words and with eyes clouded with pride
Please, Tammy - I challenge you to read the main post and the comments.
How many of my views have I backed up with Scripture?
How many of the other comments are backed up with Scripture?
I merely say that whatever we do during this time of trial - both parties must be held to Biblical standards. Both parties should look within themselves and find what part they played. Both parties must operate in love, not pain, not punishment, not fear.
If that is disrespectful, please define “respect” for me.
(sorry for the previous double post - Tim, if you want to delete the second on, I’d appreciate it.)
@Tammy - what words have I used that were not respectful?
If you mean “love means never having to be told you’re wrong” - I would expect that from a more liberal site.
We must look at lives through the lens of God’s Word, not our own words and with eyes clouded with pride
Please, Tammy - I challenge you to read the main post and the comments.
How many of my views have I backed up with Scripture?
How many of the other comments are backed up with Scripture?
I merely say that whatever we do during this time of trial - both parties must be held to Biblical standards. Both parties should look within themselves and find what part they played. Both parties must operate in love, not pain, not punishment, not fear.
If that is disrespectful, please define “respect” for me.
(sorry for the previous double post - Tim, if you want to delete the second on, I’d appreciate it.)
(I am not sure why I’m double posting)
Not one of us, with a few strokes of the keyboard, can begin to understand the full scope of the issues many of these individuals have BRIEFLY described.
Here’s the thing…the type of porn that my husband was involved in - some people said that I should just have divorced him.
One very beloved woman of God counseled me in the same way that I would counsel any woman here.
1) operate out of love, not hurt.2) give of yourself selflessly3) help your husband through his temptation4) don’t set him up for more temptation5) do not react to his sin, with sin of your own.
If the definition of disrespect is anything other than full agreement - please excuse me and just let me know.
I certainly hope this is not what you believe, and that you are simply having a problem with communicating your thoughts well.
I’ll try again to put it in a “spousal” way, instead of a wife” way.
When one spouse sins, the other should not respond with a sin of their own.
If a husband sins by using porn, a wife should not respond by rejecting him for months.
If a wife sins by rejecting her husband for months, he should not respond with sin of his own…so that (I would hope) would rule out spousal rape.
Vicki, Are you aware of the course A United Front that SettingCaptivesFree.com offers to wives of husbands with a porn addiction?
Yes, I am, KP. Good program.
thank you for bringing this point up. i whole heartedly agree. God made marriage to PROVIDE sex, and if it is not provided there, it creates an extremely unhealthy environment that the Bible warns against. part of Gods purpose of marriage is to provide an outlet for sex because we (men especially) NEED it! and this is coming from a wife of a man who used to be addicted, but is now freed from the bondage of porn. i do want to say however, that the feeling of guilt can be devastating, even when there is no actual guilt. my husband struggled since he was 13 and our first 5 years of marriage his porn addiction was very pervasive. i dressed well, kept very fit in spite of having 3 kids in 4 years, and i never ONCE said no or was unresponsive to him when he wanted sex in our 7 years of marriage. but i still felt that the problem must be ME; not being attractive enough, good enough, sexy enough, etc. i think she is speaking to women in a way that only women would understand. i think that all women whose husband look at porn feel like it is our fault, that WE are broken, ugly, despicable, etc. so this advice is largely emotional, not logical or technically accurate . if that makes sense.