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A Delight and a Frustration
- 01/31/07
- 17
Being a parent is wonderful. Parenting is filled with moments of joy and happiness and excitement and love. But it's also filled with moments of almost overwhelming frustration. We've had plenty of great times and plenty of awfully frustrating times in the past few weeks. A couple of days ago Aileen and I were talking about the children (our two older children in particular) and I said, "You know, what I find most frustrating is that they seriously think we're out to get them. They really think that we are always raining on their parades rather than looking out for their best interests." And sure, there are times that we are acting selfishly, putting our own interests ahead of those of our children. But far more often than not, we are truly interested in protecting them, and most often we need to protect them from themselves--from their own silliness, willfulness or ignorance.
"No, really, pants that end four inches above your ankle look really, really silly!" "No, those are long johns, not pants. You wear them under your pants, not instead of pants!" "You do NOT want to eat that. Trust me!" And so often the response we get is anger or frustration rather than gratitude. If you are a parent you know exactly what I am referring to. Children are constantly doing, saying and attempting things that are going to put them in danger or perhaps even just make them look and feel ridiculous. We are constantly reacting to these things, trying to help them understand what is best for them--what will serve them rather than hurt them, what will be good for them rather than harm them. It is a constant battle to help them understand how to live in this world.
Over the past few days I have been reading the manuscript of a book that will be published later this year. It is a book dealing with relationships between men and women. It is quite atypical as these books go, focusing on complementarity and focusing on the gospel. In reading the book I was struck by how the sin of my children is really so similar to my own and to the sin that has plagued humanity for so many years.
You know the story of Genesis 3 as well as I do. That crafty serpent comes to Eve and says to her:
"Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?" And the woman said to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'" But the serpent said to the woman, "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.
God, the one who created the world, told Adam and Eve how they were to live in it. They were able to enjoy everything the world had to offer, but for one tree. The whole world was open to them but for this one small thing. But we all know how it happened. Satan convinced Adam and Eve that God was not really looking out for their best interests at all. No, God was being selfish to deny Adam and Eve the fruit from that tree. He was holding them back, keeping them from being like Him, knowing good and evil. And so they rebelled. They did things their way. They lost confidence in God's benevolence and gobbled down the fruit. But no sooner had they eaten that fruit than they saw that they were naked. Their eyes were opened, the Bible says. Their hearts were shut. The wages of their sin would be death. I can't help but wonder how long it took after they sank their teeth into the fruit that they saw some innocent little creature be pounced on and devoured before their eyes. How long before they saw blood flow and began to witness the carnage they had unleashed?
Since that day we have all rebelled against authority. We no longer believe in the benevolence of those who lead us. Children naturally assume that their parents are out to get them. Wives believe that their husbands are looking out for their own interests above anyone else's. Citizens assume that governments are shortchanging us. And all of us believe that God is being less than forthcoming, less than loving. We believe that God is giving us something less than what is best. We react to his loving commands with groans and grumbles and frustration.
The frustration I feel with my children when they rebel against my concern and my love for them, must be only the faintest shadow of the frustration God feels towards me. They rebel against me in small ways while I rebel against Him in ways that are so much bigger and so much more significant. The sin of my children has given me opportunity to reflect on the state of my own heart and to repent of my sin of rebellion against God's authority. Parenting is sometimes a delight and sometimes a frustration, but always an opportunity to learn and to grow. I'm grateful that God let me learn this lesson.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I write books and blogs for fun while doing web design and consulting for a living. I worship and serve at 
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Comments (17)
Well said. It amazes me how quickly prone we are to think the worst of everyone and not even trust that believers will act like believers!Not a parent, but I have felt similar things in the years I've taken care of small boys as a camp counselor. When they disobeyed, what grieved me was never that they would sin against me or my word, but that I was seeking their best interest and even trying to ensure they would have the most possible fun, yet they were transgressing against the Lord by their insubordination.I'm sure when I have children I will be frustrated many times by this, but I deeply hope I could profoundly show my children that obeying me and my wife is their service to Christ in every way and every thing I tell them.
This really is an eye opener! As a parent I find myself in the same situations, the one thing that came to mind as I read this post was my reactions to my children.
I really bend over backwards to show love and grace with my oldest boy, but I will admit I do blow it. what gave me pause to think was how bad things would be for me if God always gave me the punishment I deserve.
While I hope God shows me mercy for my mistakes, I don't always show that same mercy to my son or my wife or my family etc. etc. We are called to show Christ to the world including our own families, I think I have a ways to go before I do this well.
"The frustration I feel with my children when they rebel against my concern and my love for them, must be only the faintest shadow of the frustration God feels towards me."
Thats a tough lesson but rebellion is what got us in this mess and man kids are sure good at it.
Josh"...the word of God is not bound."--2 Timothy 2:9
Great insight. I have been fascinated by the story in the garden, because it is the root of all sin. I can't help but believe there is a lot more 'between the lines' then we give the story credit for.
One of the ways Satan tempted Eve was that she would become like God knowing good and evil.
Knowing evil describes sin. We are intimate with evil, it controls our natural reactions. Our self-centeredness. Our fear - the antithesis of faith. That fear is manifest in our relationships - between parent and child, husband and wife, me and God. What do they want? How does it measure up against what I want? Contention -> Conflict -> Sin. Satan is laughing at how the knowledge of evil produces the fruit of sin.
Knowing evil is not being like God (Satan's Lie) in the sense that God knows, but has power over evil - whereas we, of and by ourselves, do not.
Our salvation is recognizing, by God's grace, that sin is polluting my soul and poisoning me to death. Acknowledging that only God, in His power, can restore my life and provide power over sin.
I think of how the description of the serpent is so apt. Like a snake he strikes "You will not surely die!" - and as Eve bit from the apple, I can imagine the poison having immediate effect in the death of her spirit. Our reactions are quick like that. We see them in our children and recognize them in ourselves. Forgiveness is an antidote.
But I also think this was part of God's plan to deal with sin, to ultimately have victory over it and abolish it forever. It is part of God's purpose throughout Scripture. These parental observations are times when we can teach our children about sin - as God teaches us - through discipline initially, but gradually through training (discipleship). It is good to recognize our natural inclinations are toward sin, because it exposes a weakness that we cannot overcome - but one which God has provided a way to conquer.
For Christians - we are to become more aware of sin in our lives - through study of His word - and then repent (change). This process is the transformation that is sanctification - and there is a purpose there as well. To draw closer to God, to resist sin and to be strengthened in the Spirit.
Trusting God (faith) through acknowledging my sin - is an important aspect of our lives here and the reason perhaps we are not whisked to heaven upon salvation. We are know evil, but have power over it - to know good and to practice it instead - in order to give God glory.
I have a couple comments regarding the example you gave regarding clothing choices. I have to look at it that as long as you children are dressed with modesty and are proceeding with a sense of morality, then that is unsinful dressing. If their choice is to have a strange cut or current "fashion" or something that strikes us as just looking silly, then frankly it's ME who is sinning by allowing MY embarrasment or discomfort with their choices to make me create a "new law" telling them that their choice is sin.
I know all of our parents cringed with some of our fashion choices as their parents cringed at theirs. But there is a vast difference between dressing like Paris Hilton and wearing a T-shirt in public (after Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront). In one case frankly it is immodest, the other is something which was a rather unique choice and "shocking" at the time but which none of us today would even bat an eye at.
If my kids want to dye their hair blue and discover that they will get laughed at by some and not quite treated the same by others then it is a good lesson, not a "sin".
I totally agree with the sentiment of your post, I just think we need to keep an eye on ensuring that our "correction" and "rules" for our kids are really based on leading them in righteousness and not a simple "reflex" at their current immature "tastes".
The sin in the garden is the same sin that keeps people from God now and the same "sin" we see in our kids -- the sin of pride. It's summed up in the popular song title, "I Did It My Way." I put the word "sin" in quotation marks in the previous sentence because we might wince to ascribe sin to our children, but it certainly is in everyone's nature, even our children to want to "do it my way." My pastor told of a young lady, a teenage girl, who took her own life and wanted Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" played at her funeral.
How frustrating it is to see anyone, especially someone we care about deeply, who doesn't have a saving relationship with God through Jesus Christ, blindly living life "their own way." Don't they know what's best for them? The answer is, "No, they don't," aside from regeneration by God and true conviction by the Holy Spirit.
Take Care
"I have a couple comments regarding the example you gave regarding clothing choices. I have to look at it that as long as you children are dressed with modesty and are proceeding with a sense of morality, then that is unsinful dressing."
Ah, but I'm talking about a seven year old boy who is trying to fit into pants that are two years (and hence at least two sizes) too small for him! :)
You bring up some great point to reflect upon. Not to mention that i love your writing style :)
Tim, just wait until your kids get into the public school system. ;-)
Brian in BC. Depends on the attitude of the kid's heart doesn't it? As kids get older, there's a lot of rebellion that is expressed in blue hair, strange fashion sense etc....
Great post. I'm 20 years and am getting married in June. I've pondered long and hard over the responsibilities of both being a godly husband and a godly parent, and sometimes am ashamed when I think back to how I treated my parents when I was younger. God be praised that Christ took upon Himself the wrath that we deserved for all of our lawbreaking and rebelliousness. Thanks for the encouagement...
JordanPs. 16:11
Thank you so much for writing this!
Tim, thanks for the clarification...I'm laughing at the visual!
I think you got my point that it can be a fine line between declaring behaviour "sin" because WE think it's really stupid/silly and it actually being a real "heart" rebellion as Odious mentioned.
I think part of growing-up IS making your own decisions and living with the consequences; and as parents, it is our responsibility to let our kids have the freedom make silly choices where there is no permanant damage. No to immoral choices, no to harmful choices, no to illegal choices.
I don't think there is any question at all as to whether all kids will rebel. I think they will at some level or another. I'd much rather lay down the law on the "non-negotiables" and give them the freedom to rebel in the "makes me embarassed for you" department.
Perhaps I'm looking at it wrong but I figure if I really work with and teach my children to follow Christ and my guidance is always directed at what is going to keep them on that path as my area of correction then I should have a better overall relationship with them as hopefully they are able to discern that "when Dad says no, it really is because he's looking out for our best interests"...not Dad just doesn't understand.
(Tim, I'm really enjoying your site, it's great for generating thought and discussion.)
Ha! I remember those days of constantly trying to teach my children how to make good decisions about everything, known and unknown. And I remember lots of wrangling with them over things like what they desperately thought they wanted to wear. They are all three grown now, and parents themselves. They all turned out well, thank God, in spite of us!
Somewhere in the Bible it says that God gently leads those who have young children--and I can remember, looking back, many times when he was doing that. At the time, though, I didn't realize it was his gentle leading.
Wow, this is helpful to a young single. I forget how strange kids can be sometimes (although I do work with them at church, so I don't TOTALLY forget). You are right about how they tend to think any rules you put on them show that you are against them - and you are right to say that this is exactly how we react to God's rules in our lives. Thanks for the reminder of how irrational our rebellion against God is.
I'm constantly struck how my own sins are merely more sophisticated, subtle versions of those of my sister's children. (Note, by subtle I don't mean less sinful!) And the things they do that drive me insane are, on reflection, much more likely to be some variation on a sin I don't want to fully acknowledge.
This is true even (or maybe especially) with my oldest nephew, a preteen who has epilepsy, asperger's syndrome, and is bipolar (in his case, all relate back to brain damage from a birth injury). The manic rage is particularly irrational and self-destructive. It's so far removed from normal anger or even tantrums (even grown up tantrums), that the difference is obvious (but hard to explain to others who have not dealt with someone in a full blown manic episode).
But, having witnessed two of these (typically will result in hospitalization so medication can be adjusted in a safe environment), I realize that his behaviors are not so much unlike my own when I'm angry. It's just that these behaviors are magnified tenfold, and then they are completely unfiltered by any understanding of social niceties, so the danger and destruction of anger (sinful anger, not righteous anger) is unmistakable and frightening.
That plank makes us seem to want to focus on those sins in others that we don't want to see in ourselves. Often the sin is basically the same, but expressed in forms different enough that we can ignore our own plank while being horrified at that speck in the other guy's eye.
Tim,
"The frustration I feel with my children when they rebel against my concern and my love for them, must be only the faintest shadow of the frustration God feels towards me. They rebel against me in small ways while I rebel against Him in ways that are so much bigger and so much more significant. The sin of my children has given me opportunity to reflect on the state of my own heart and to repent of my sin of rebellion against God's authority. Parenting is sometimes a delight and sometimes a frustration, but always an opportunity to learn and to grow. I'm grateful that God let me learn this lesson."
This is exacly what I have been learning as well over the last seven months! We adopted a five-year-old boy in May and I had no idea how much that was going to change my life. I understood the scheduling changes, the financial changes, etc., but I didn't realize how much God was going to use his rebellion to shine a light on my own rebellion. In so many ways I was blind to the sinfulness of my own sin, but God has radically opened my eyes. I thank God for Tylar! Being a parent has changed me - spiritually. Praise the Lord!
Great post, Tim. I also liked the comment from John K., comment number 6.