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I Failed Him
- 06/07/10
- 28
One of the unexpected blessings of writing this blog is that it sets in stone things that that have happened in the past or even just things I’ve been thinking about months or years before. I use the blog, in some ways, as a record of spiritual development. I return quite often to articles I’ve written in the past to challenge myself anew or to recount God’s grace in my life. Sometimes I just flip through the archives over a period of time and I am reminded what was happening then, what I was thinking then, how I was growing.
Several years ago now, a friend of mine who was a former co-worker and manager, succumbed to leukemia. It had actually been a few years since Mike and I had worked together and we had seen each other only occasionally since the company we had both worked for had shut down. I found out about the leukemia through his wife who included me in the updates she would send out every week or two in order to keep friends and family updated on his condition. I read these with increasing delight as he began to show positive signs of recovery, and with horror as the disease rallied and began to destroy him. I went to his home once to fix his wife’s’ computer. Mike was in the hospital at that time and his wife was nearly overwhelmed. “You know God, right? Tim, you’ve got to pray for us!” she cried out at one point. And of course I did.
I got in to the hospital to see Mike just once. Because of his weakened condition only visitors who were very healthy were allowed to visit him. We sat and talked and recounted old times, chatting and enjoying one another’s company. I wanted to know about Mike’s spiritual condition. It was obvious by that point that he was unlikely to survive his illness and I was concerned to know about his standing with the Lord. But before I could really ask him, a nurse swept into the room and made it obvious that the visit was over—Mike had to have some kind of awful but all-too-regular procedure. Mike soon took a turn for the worse and, after ten days in the palliative ward, he died. The day after I received the notice from his wife that he had been admitted to the palliative ward I sat down and wrote an article that continues to haunt me. It went like this:
How does a man say goodbye to his little girls, knowing that he will never see them again? And how does he do so without letting them know that this is the last time they will see their daddy? Does he look them straight in the eyes and affirm his undying love for them, or do words fail him so that he can do little more than hug and kiss them for the last time and then send them on their way? Does he still hold out hope that he will see them again? Or does he know in his heart of hearts that this is the end? Maybe he is so worn down from his long fight with cancer that he can barely feel or express emotion anymore. Maybe he just wants to be gone.
Yesterday I heard from the wife of my friend Mike that he has been accepted into the Palliative ward of a local hospital. It was almost exactly one year ago that he was diagnosed with leukemia and since that time all treatments have failed. At this point all they can do is attempt to relieve his suffering as he succumbs to the disease. His body will probably not hold out for another week. Soon he will leave his wife and his little girls on their own.
Those little girls are five and three—the same as my children. Mike has been married as long as I’ve been married and is around the same age. A couple of years older, I guess. But he isn’t all that much different than me. I guess that’s why his approaching death is so real; so vivid.
I wonder if the girls knew. Sometimes we do not give children enough credit. Maybe their intuition told them that something was happening. Probably not. Hopefully not. I hope all they know is that daddy is going back to the hospital and that they are going to spend a week with grandma. How are they supposed to guess, after the hundreds of times daddy has gone to the hospital, that this is his last time? How can they know that they have given daddy their final kiss? Will they even remember him when they are all grown up? Or will daddy be only a face in photographs who brings a lump to the throat, even after so many years?
As far as I know, Mike does not know the Lord. We had plenty of opportunities to talk about spiritual matters when we worked for the same company and I don’t think Mike ever understood the value of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. If anything I’d say Mike was more a follower of Dr. Phil than of Jesus. There is not much I wouldn’t give at this point to be able to go and and ask him exactly what he believes. The imminence of death would surely give me the boldness I lacked even a couple of months ago when I last sat with him.
So now I sit here at the time when it is too late, wondering why I did not do more. Sure I told the family that I was praying for them and asked if I could pray with them. And sure I tried to get Mike to think about preparing for eternity. But I did so in such a pathetic way. Such a half-hearted way. I burn with shame as I write these words thinking of all I didn’t do and didn’t say. I feel burdened with guilt that Mike is days or maybe even hours away from standing before God, and that I did not make one clear, strong presentation of the gospel. I failed him. And I failed God.
Do you know what may be even worse? The likelihood that I’ll get over it. Two days from now I probably won’t even think of Mike. I’ll get busy with my life and the guilt will ease away. In a week or two I guess I’ll attend his funeral and feel this guilt again, but a few days after that I’ll conveniently put Mike out of my mind and go back to life. But you know what? I don’t want to get over it!
Truly I don’t.
This burden I feel right now—why can’t I feel this same burden for the lost all the time? Why is it a burden birthed from guilt rather than from a desire to see the lost be saved? I’ve asked God to tell me why. The only answer I find is the hardness of my own heart.
Still, with hope in my heart I pray for Mike, that maybe, just maybe, there will be someone in that hospital who can reach out to him with the message I failed to bring. Maybe God will bring to Mike’s mind some fragment of Scripture he heard as a child, or some words I shared with him years ago. Maybe. Hopefully.
With hopeful sadness I pray for Mike’s family, that somehow God would use this awful situation to draw them to Himself. That somehow God would make His presence felt and provide meaning through the pain.
And then with tears I pray for myself, that God would not allow this burden to disappear, but that he would use my shortcomings to teach me how I can do better next time, not simply to avoid this crushing, burning guilt, but to use the opportunities He provides.
Because I just don’t want to get over it. Oh God, please don’t let me get over it!
In the Old Testament God commanded the Israelites to erect pillars, monuments that would remind them of his great deeds. This article is one I return to quite often, one I haul out of storage and post every few years, because it stands as a reminder to me of my own misdeeds. It reminds me of a time that I did not take an opportunity that was given to me and a time that I feared men more than God. It allows me to remember the crushing guilt and the burning shame. It allows me to remember that I cried out to God not to let me commit the same sin again.
But it is also an opportunity to cast myself at the foot of the cross and to remember that Christ died to forgive even a sin like this. It is an opportunity to hope that someone, anyone, reached Mike with the gospel before he was called to account. And it is an opportunity to reaffirm that God is sovereign and that if Mike was to be counted among the people of God, the Lord would have used any means to reach out to one of His children. Despite my faithlessness, He is faithful.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (28)
Thank you for this post … I appreciate your honesty! It was a timely reminder to me as I start this week.
Yes, yes, yes. I used to believe the “modern” lie that some have the gift of evangelism, and some do not. So that freed me to not really have to share the gospel and the finished work of Christ if I wasn’t “comfortable”. Such a lie we believe.
Our responsibility is to go and teach and share the gospel with everyone, using the openings God will give. (We always have opportunities, we just don’t always use them ~or see them!)
I did like the hope that you shared towards the end of your writing…that God may have used someone else. This is truth. And yet, what a joy you’d have felt if it had been you that God used.
So we go and teach and pray that God, who never lets his Word return void, has used whatever we have offered, for His ultimate glory, and our ultimate good.
This powerful post points to my own fear of man and hardened, wicked heart, and I am reminded of God’s inconceivable patience and grace! I pray that we would all do ‘better’ next time, not to avoid or to appease our crushing shame but because Christ is so immensely worth it!! Keep these posts coming!
amen. I don’t want to get over it either. may the Lord use your words to help us not forget.
Like you, I used to weep over the lost. Then I got wrapped up in selfish Calvinism and lost my zeal. Now, I just want to have that tender heart again. To speak boldly. To speak clearly. To not wait for the ‘right time’ to testify.
“Mikes” are all around me. How will they know unless I tell them?David, Red Letter Believers, www.redletterbelievers.com, “Salt and Light”
Wow, I just posted something similar (about a time I should have done more and didn’t) four days ago. I wrote:
“There have been times in my life when I let someone down and could have done better. One such time was years ago when a young unbeliever and I were discussing a very serious decision this adolescent was contemplating. Instead of sacrificing my own comfort, time, energy, and pride, I simply gave a ‘safe’ response then busied myself with my own life. The person went on to make a life changing choice. Not long after that the individual died. I could not help but think, ‘Jesus suffered the cross and I could not be bothered coming along side this juvenile for the long haul.’ I know I am not the Holy Spirit but when the Lord places a believer or unbeliever in my life I need to stop doing what I feel is important and give my attention, efforts, hospitality, love, encouragement, guidance, and every thing else I possibly can to what the Lord has assigned for me to do…for as long as it takes.
“Christ never said taking up the cross would be easy! Infact, I do believe He stated quite the opposite. It’s going to be uncomfortable, painful, embarrassing, exhausting, frustrating, intimidating, nauseating, head-pounding, heart wrenching, and unfathomable but NOTHING compared to being tortured and crucified!”
Thank you for sharing your heart.
If we can be compelled to love not as man loves but as God loved then maybe we can convey that message to the lost.Time is short! For Mike time was very short. We must grab at each opportunity - in love share our Savior with the lost.The enemy has so many in a perilous grasp
thanks for the heart rending reminder…
Tim,
Your final sentiments were precisely what was going through my mind as I read your post: “And it is an opportunity to reaffirm that God is sovereign and that if Mike was to be counted among the people of God, the Lord would have used any means to reach out to one of His children. Despite my faithlessness, He is faithful.”
As you mentioned, perhaps Mike was reached in a way we simply wouldn’t know about or understand… We can only hope.
However, though we know from scripture that we serve a Sovereign and Holy God. And from Who’s hand “no one can be snatched” (John 10:29 NIV) we are not in any way absolved of our responsibility to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39 NIV) and to: “…go and make disciples of all nations, ” (Matthew 28:19).
Your honesty has convicted me greatly…
In Christ,
Dan H…
Thank you very much for this… How many times do we walk away from opportunities because of the discomfort we fear they will conjure? What will this person think? What will they say? I have been guilty of the precise thing you’ve outlined here and I conclude, like you, that is a combination of a hardened heart and a dose of fear.
Thanks for open, honest, transparent posts like this - for not hiding the blow this had on you. It helps me immensely.
I’ve experienced something similar, as I’m sure many of us have. I love how you were able to put into words what I never have. Thank you for sharing.
While I don’t think we need to “scramble” for God - I think we can flow with the Spirit rather than worry about people - I often need the reminder to keep that certain sense of urgency in my life.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
David said: “Like you, I used to weep over the lost. Then I got wrapped up in selfish Calvinism and lost my zeal. Now, I just want to have that tender heart again. To speak boldly. To speak clearly. To not wait for the ‘right time’ to testify.”
David I think I understand where you’re coming from when you said “selfish Calvinism”. However, the problem isn’t “selfish Calvinism”, it is us. True Calvinism is not divorced from the means of grace which is the proclamation of the Gospel. In fact Calvinism (or should I say the Gospel?) should give us confidence that God’s Word always accomplished what He in His sovereignty and love desires. We don’t have to worry about the results, all we need to be concerned with is being faithful to God with what we know God wants us to do and say.Unfortunately, I like Tim and many others know this truth, but fail time and time again at living it out.
Thank you Tim for this great reminder, I pray that God would not let this burden go away and my faith in His sovereignty would increase.Tom
my goodness.thank you for being honest and raw. i pray He doesn’t allow any of us reading today to forget, either.
Yes, I read this and pray, “help me, Lord. I want to see as you see, speak as you speak, and feel as you feel.”
The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few. He keeps thrusting me out and I keep asking for “something else.” It’s no good. Thank you for this important reminder.
Here is a powerful song about the very thing this article was about… very powerful and sad:http://upp.mypodcast.com/2008/12/I_Never_Sounded_The_Trumpet_Song_by_Jas…
How I can relate. But for the grace of God I would be swallowed up in self-pity. “Our wickedness shall not overpower the unspeakable goodness and mercy of God; our dullness shall not overpower God’s wisdom, nor our infirmity God’s omnipotence.” (John of Kronstadt)
If it weren’t for that mercy, goodness, wisdom and omnipotence where would we all be? His grace, not our sin, will always have the last say for the child of God. How thankful I am for that! It is my lifeline!
Tim, I wept as I read your post because I have recently suffered the same remorse and guilt, only it concerns my mom who just passed away last month. We lived on either sides of the continent for most of my life and I saw her only once every few years. She knew I loved and served the Lord and was very proud of me, but my only real witness to her was in a letter and not face to face. She fell ill last fall and when I would pray over her she experienced the presence, the peace and the power of the Lord each time. She welcomed my prayers last month as well, when I flew home and stayed with her in hospital. I made feeble attempts to talk to her about Jesus but her resistance was so great I felt intimidated - not just by her words and attitude, but by the contempt of other family members as well. I am the only believer.
I never did lead her to the Lord but as she lay dying I kept telling her to listen for His voice and watch for Him, that He was coming for her. And in her last hours I prayed over her and felt led to pronounce her forgiven for her sins (as Jesus instructed his disciples in John 20:23).
When she passed I felt numb and exhausted as though I’d been battling for her soul. Then two nights later as I lay in bed alone, I cried and asked God to forgive me for not doing everything I could to win my mother for His Kingdom. I could not bear the thought that she might be outside of God’s presence in the afterlife. A friend of mine had comforted me with a story of how he’d received assurance from God regarding his father’s salvation and so I pleaded with God to give me the same kind of reassurance that my mom was with Him. The next morning He led me into John 11 and as I read the story of the raising of Lazarus and his sisters, Martha and Mary, I saw just how great was Jesus’ compassion for the doubters - Mary and the crowd who gathered around her and gossiped about Him. His heart went out to them, so much so that He wept. Jesus did not judge and condemn them, He took pity on them, longing for them to know the reassurance of the unfathomable kindness and power of God.
I knew that Jesus had compassion on my mom too in her doubt. And I felt Him reassuring me that if He could raise a man to life who had been dead and buried for four days - even though He was surrounded by a cloud of doubt and scorn and unbelief, then surely He could raise my mom to new life without my help.
He also reminded me that He has compassion on me too - in my doubt and unbelief, and in my timidity. I want to rest in His reassurance, but like you, I do not want to return to my former complacency. I want to hang on to the burden God gave me for the lost when I was a new Christian (ten years ago). I never want to let another opportunity to share the truth of the gospel of love and mercy with another person. I pray every day that God will make me bold and help me to discern and overcome the forces that try to intimidate me and keep me silent. The time is short, and as I learned with my mom, you never know how fleeting the time is that we have with those we love - and whom God has given us. In the words of our Lord and Saviour:
“The light is among you for a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you.”
I have been taking my older kids (8-12) through Way of the Master with me. It has really opened our eyes to our selfishness and complacency. We have all begun praying that God will give us compassion for the lost. That’s the only key really. Our compassion for them has to be greater than our selfish fear. Knowing that they will go to hell if they don’t know the Savior motivates us to get out of our comfort zone and share the gospel.
Tim, thank you so, so much for your humble honesty. May your experience serve to spur me on to boldness in sharing the Gospel with the unsaved people in my own life. I am so remiss in this area. Also, thank you for applying the Gospel to your own life. May I and all your readers be so amazed by God’s grace that we let it motivate us to share the Gospel.
Ginger writes:
“Our compassion for them has to be greater than our selfish fear. ”
So true Ginger.
- May God’s grace and mercy overwhelm us.- May we remember that “such were some of you.”- May we love the lost from a pure heart that desires to see God.
Most of us think that our faith and beliefs are something to be kept in private but God’s word has proved me wrong. God’s word has shown me that we are to be salt and light in this world which means to open our mouth and speak to testify for what He has done for us and to witness to others of His plan of salvation…..”You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.” (Matthew 5:13-14).
Thank you, Tim, for this very candid post. We have all shared the same experience, and can learn from your response to it.
I feel your wretchedness my brother…we have all failed in similar ways - there’s no excuse really and we all, like the great apostle Paul, lament our own wretchedness. Thankfully for us however the record does not end with our failures but with His grace (and this humbles us even further) “Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Amen.
Thank you for your honesty and reminder. I’ve been in similar situations - unfortunately. I haven’t been on a “death bed” but enough times I’ve kept my mouth closed when I should have said something. God isn’t finished with me yet - I am learning to not limit my conversations to “talking about the rain”! Makes me think of Casting Crowns song “Here I Go Again”:
Father Hear My PrayerI Need The Perfect WordsWords That He Will HearAnd Know They’re Straight From YouI Don’t Know What To SayI Only Know It HurtsTo See My Only FriendSlowly Fade Away
So Maybe This TimeI’ll Speak The Words Of LifeWith Your Fire In My EyesBut That Old Familiar FearIs Tearing At My WordsWhat Am I So Afraid Of
‘Cause Here I Go AgainTalkin’ Bout The RainAnd Mulling Over ThingsThat Won’t Live Past TodayAnd As I Dance Around The TruthTime Is Not His FriendThis Might Be My Last ChanceTo Tell Him That You Love HimBut Here I Go AgainHere I Go Again
Lord You Love Him SoYou Gave Your Only SonIf He Just BelievedHe Will Never DieBut How Then Will He KnowWhat He Has Never HeardOr Never Seen Mirrored In My Life
So Maybe This TimeI’ll Speak the Word Of LikeWith Your Fire In My EyesBut That Old Familiar FearIs Tearing At My WordsWhat Am I So Afraid Of
‘Cause Here I Go AgainTalkin’ Bout The RainAnd Mulling Over ThingsThat Won’t Live Past TodayAnd As I Dance Around The TruthTime Is Not His FriendThis Might Be My Last ChanceTo Tell Him That You Love HimBut Here I Go AgainHere I GoHere I Go
So Maybe This TimeI’ll Speak The Words Of LifeWith Your Fire In My EyesBut That Old familiar FearIs Tearing At My WordsWhat Am I So Afraid Of
‘Cause Here I Go AgainTalkin’ Bout The RainAnd Mulling Over ThingsThat Won’t Live Past TodayAnd As I Dance Around The TruthTime Is Not His FriendThis Might Be My Last ChanceTo Tell Him That You Love HimThis Might Be My Last ChanceTo Tell Him That You Love HimThis Might Be My Last ChanceTo Tell Him That You Love Him
You Love HimYou Love HimWhat Am I So AfraidWhat Am I So AfraidWhat Am I So Afraid Of
How Then Will He KnowWhat He Has Never Heard
May we be bold for Him! Everyday!D
Hi Tim,I too, lost a friend just last week. She was someone who I knew through being part of a small group in the previous church my husband and I attended. She was a sporadic attender, so I did not know her well. I knew she was a recovering addict who seemed to be having victory in her sin. Unfortunately, I got a text last week saying that Sue (not her real name) was in the hospital in kidney and liver failure due to alcohol abuse. She was only 50 years old. As I visited with the family joining the death watch, I was outraged at myself for not knowing the state of her soul. Is she with Jesus? God alone in His sovereignty knows the answer to that, and as you prayed, I pray that the family will be drawn to our merciful Lord through this.I have been reading through Hebrews in my quiet time with the Lord, and the verses in 10:31 and 12:14=15 jump off the page at me. The former, “It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God.” and the latter, “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God, that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” I pray that, like you, I will never forget the guilt that rises like bile in my throat at the questions in my heart concerning Sue’s eternal destination. As I was sitting in Sunday School and church this past week, I looked around and wondered how many truly know Him. Let us all never forget the guilt, and be mindful of the souls sitting next to us, that when this happens again, we will be rejoicing with the family, instead of questioning our hearts and trying to remember conversations past, whether we talked about the weather, or of our Lord.
I have that original post bookmarked, Tim. It means as much to me as anything you’ve ever written. Thanks again for your transparency.
I’m not totally sure about this evangelism guilt thing.
I found this article by Doug Wilson really helpful:
http://www.credenda.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=99&…
Go to Volume 14 issue 6 called ‘Nobility” in the Credenda Agenda magazine. It is the short article under Presbyterion called ‘Guilt-free evangelism’.
Tim, thank you for this humble and honest article. I had to start skimming in the middle as it brought back fresh pain from the recent death of my father-in-law. We have no reason to believe he accepted the Lord as his Saviour before his death, and many reasons to believe otherwise as he was quite resistant to the gospel during his life.
I, too, burn with shame, because I only began truly, earnestly, relentlessly praying for his salvation when his cancer diagnosis came through. (A real heart-to-heart wasn’t possible due to a complete language barrier). Why didn’t I pray that hard sooner? Why didn’t I reach out to him in love more often?
The answers, as you point out, aren’t particularly pleasant - a real and devastating reminder of the hardness of our hearts.
Praise God for His sovereingty, justice, mercy, and love. Knowing His character and that His heart was more broken than mine over the loss of my father-in-law’s life were the only true comforts to my grief. I trust in the Father.
Tim,
Thanks for re-posting this, I haven’t been following your blog long enough to have read it earlier.
I’m going to print this and put it up next to my computer, to remind me and help convict me of putting the effort into sharing Christ and the Gospel with others I work with and especially some of my extended family.
I don’t want to share a lot online, but I really appreciate your openness and vulnerability. May God continue to bless you and your family.