One of the most difficult circumstances any family will face is when some love the Lord and others reject him. Sometimes it is Christian parents whose child knowingly rejects and turns away from the faith their parents had taught and modeled. Sometimes it is a Christian spouse who watches their husband or wife reject Christ altogether. Occasionally, it is Christian children who see their mom or dad turn away from the faith they once professed. In any number of ways, families can be divided so that some are for Christ and some are against him.
Parents who love the Lord naturally long for their children to do the same. Their “heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved” (Romans 10:1), and rightly so. And so they share the gospel with their kids and earnestly pray for them. But what are they to do when such attempts do not bear immediate fruit? The temptation is to push and to nag, to express a kind of deep-rooted disappointment and to turn every conversation into a plea. Those who do so may soon find they have driven their children away altogether through a noble desire unwisely expressed.
Christopher Ash speaks to this and offers a word of counsel. He says, “It is, I think, helpful for parents to remember that their calling is to be parents. That sounds obvious, so let me explain what I mean. A mum or a dad is not the pastor of their son or daughter, or even the evangelist. A mother is to be a mother and to maintain that motherly relationship as her sons and daughters grow. A father is to be a father.” A son, whether following the Lord or rejecting him, still needs his mother to be a mother. A daughter, whether submissive or rebellious, still needs her father to be a father. Yet in many cases, the parents’ concern for their child causes them to set aside their parental role to instead function like a pastor or evangelist—to let their spiritual concern overwhelm their familial responsibility.
Ash continues: “It seems to me that some of the difficulties in Christian homes can be exacerbated when a parent (perhaps especially a father) defaults to behaving like an evangelist or a pastor to his errant or difficult son or daughter. If that is your tendency, beware: you are called to be his or her father. You are to be there as a dad. And that relationship continues until you die. It is therefore of the highest significance to guard and nourish those relationships.” (It bears mentioning that what is true of the relationship of parents to children may be true also of the relationship of husbands to wives and wives to husbands, though perhaps that is a different article.)
Of course, a parent longs for their child to be saved, yet no one has ever been nagged into the Christian faith. God never identifies nagging as a means of grace or cajoling as a strategy for evangelism. J.R. Miller says rightly that “Nagging and scolding never yet made anybody godly! Constant pointing out of blemishes never cured anyone of his blemishes!” Or brought him to faith. Instead, God calls concerned believers to excel in the role he has called them to, for parents to love their children with all the love of the Father. A better strategy than constant nagging is godly living, to simply live as God has called.
This is not to say parents should be silent, hide their faith, or deny its importance in their lives. Far from it! Ash says, “There may be an analogy with the Christian wife who has an unbelieving husband, addressed by Peter in 1 Peter 3:1-2. Peter sets before her the hope that her husband may be ‘won without a word’ as he sees the godly life of his wife. I take it this does not mean that this husband never hears the word of the gospel, but rather that he does not hear it repeatedly and irritatingly from his wife. She grasps that she is his wife and not his preacher!”
There are many people in this world who may serve as a pastor to your daughter, but she has just one father.
This is not a matter of hiding or denying faith, but rather a matter of obedience, wisdom, and trust—obedience to fulfill the role God has called each of us to, wisdom to know when it may be right to extend an invitation or speak a word of truth, and trust that God will work through the means he has appointed.
There are many people in this world who may serve as a pastor to your daughter, but she has just one father. There are many people in this world who may fulfill the role of evangelist to your son, but he has just one mother. This should be a source of great comfort and confident motivation, for it makes your calling all the more sure. Serve in the role God has assigned and do it with confidence that God’s way is best.
(Quotes are taken from Not Old, Not Young, Not Done)
