I can be prone to self-loathing. Sometimes this takes the form of thinking about things I’ve done or recounting words I’ve said and detesting myself for them. Sometimes it takes the form of thinking about who I am and hating who God has made me to be, or thinking about the way God has gifted me and despising those gifts in favor of others. In different ways and at different times, I can think the lowest thoughts of myself and harbor a repugnance toward myself that I feel toward no one else.
I know I am not alone in this, for I have encountered many others who share similar struggles, who lie awake at night with thoughts of loathing flitting through their minds or who walk away from a conversation cursing themselves for being so ignorant, so uncouth, so worthy of their own hatred. As is so often the case, the self can be a dreadful enemy.
There is a maxim I have begun to consider in such times of self-loathing: I must not think lower thoughts of myself than God thinks of me. In fact, I have no right to. God is the one who sees me better than I see myself and the one who is best able to pass judgment on who I am—whether I am a success or failure, whether I am someone to take seriously or merely a joke, whether I am worthy of love or worthy only of loathing.
I must not think lower thoughts of myself than God thinks of me. In fact, I have no right to
And what is God’s judgment on me? How does he feel about me?
- He tells me I am his handiwork, created by him to serve his good and noble purposes (Ephesians 2:10).
- He tells me I am holy and beloved—still a sinner, but a sinner who is forgiven, loved, and made holy by the gospel (Colossians 3:12; Ephesians 1:1).
- He tells me I am cleansed, forgiven through the finished work of Jesus Christ (1 John 1:9).
- He tells me I am faithful, one who serves him with diligence (Ephesians 1:1).
- He tells me I am his child, one who has been adopted into his family and loved by the Father (1 John 3:1).
- He tells me I am his friend (James 2:23).
- He tells me I am a temple of his Spirit, a sacred dwelling for the third person of the Trinity (1 Corinthians 3:16).
- He tells me I am saved, eternally secure in his love (Ephesians 2:5).
- He tells me I am covered by Jesus’ blood in such a way that he sees me in the same way he sees Jesus (Ephesians 2:13).
- He tells me I am loved, loved to such a degree that he was willing to send his Son to die for me (Ephesians 2:4).
- He tells me he sees me as glorified, already completely free from sin and all of its ugly effects (Romans 8:30).
He tells me all of this and so much more. And invariably, God’s judgment of me is far more favorable than my judgment of myself. He sees me as someone he loves, someone he cares for, someone he is proud of, someone he does not condemn. He thinks only the highest thoughts of me. He does not loathe, condemn, or despise me, but loves me with all the love he has for his very own Son, for, by the gospel, I am in his Son. And who am I to disagree with his assessment?
It is perhaps strange to consider that it is pride rather than humility that has allowed me to think such low thoughts of myself, for it is always pride that keeps me from agreeing with God. Thus, the solution is humility, to set aside my proud thoughts of self-loathing to instead humbly believe that what God says is true—more true than what I think, believe, or imagine. I must refuse to think lower thoughts of myself than God thinks of me, for his judgment is always correct and always more reliable than mine.
