It often surprises me how inadvertently selfish we human beings can be and how obliviously self-centered our behavior can become. I see this in many ways, but one has stood out to me over the past little stretch of time.
A while ago, I had the opportunity to have lunch with a young man who had questions he wanted to ask of a more mature Christian. I was, of course, glad to meet with him. Yet he did not begin the meeting with a question. Rather, he began it by telling me about himself. He also ended it by telling me about himself. You probably won’t be shocked to know that the stretch between was also filled with him telling me about himself. Though he had said he was looking for a mature perspective on big decisions, it became clear he really just wanted to talk about himself. I have come to refer to these situations, cheekily perhaps, as “Haman meetings.”
There are few stories in the Bible I enjoy more than the story of Esther. It’s such a beautiful and well-told narrative that is full of amazing characters. Some of these are presented almost as if they are without fault, while others are presented almost as if they are without virtue. Among the virtueless characters is Haman, the man who makes it his mission to destroy God’s people.
One of my favorite moments in Esther is when Haman has been affronted by Mordecai, the Jewish elder who has refused to bow down to him or venerate him. Though Haman has been highly honored by the king and is held in esteem by the high and mighty, he perceives that he has been disrespected by a commoner, and this arouses his fury. He responds by throwing the very first “Haman party.” He summons his wife and friends and regales them with stories—stories of himself, his honors, his accolades, his accomplishments. He “recounted to them the splendor of his riches, the number of his sons, all the promotions with which the king had honored him, and how he had advanced him above the officials and the servants of the king” (Esther 5:11). For a whole evening, he held them spellbound (or, more likely, half asleep) as he bragged and blathered about himself. Not much of a party if you ask me!
Yet we can all be Haman at times. We may not be nearly so evil, but we can certainly be every bit as self-centered. It comes naturally to us to talk about ourselves, to make us the hero of our own stories, and to neglect the wisdom of others in favor of telling tales of our own lives. We can respond to our phobias and insecurities by bragging of meager personal accomplishments instead of seeking the helpful wisdom of others. We can request a meeting, certain in our own minds that we mean to ask questions, yet spend the whole time talking about ourselves.
Since that day, I have had many more meetings in which one person does all the talking and expounds at great length about his favorite subject: himself. I don’t think I would have the courage to ask, but I rather suspect I did much the same when I was young. And it’s possible I do the same today. We can all be Haman, and we can all throw our own little Haman parties. The tragedy of such parties is that in their display of pride, they miss the opportunity to gain the wisdom of others. They fail to accomplish the purpose for which they were made in the first place.
So for those who are prone to throw their own little Haman parties, here are a few suggestions.
First, be aware that it is a universal temptation to find yourself the most fascinating subject in the world. Yet you can rarely be a blessing to others when you fixate on yourself. So have the humility, wisdom, and love to ask about others more than you volunteer information about yourself. You might even learn something from them along the way.
You can rarely be a blessing to others when you fixate on yourself.
Second, learn to ask good questions and learn to listen attentively. Ask a question that is meaningful and helpful, then have the discipline to sit quietly and allow the other person to share their wisdom. There’s truth to the old adage: God gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak. Three times is probably better.
Third, be honest with yourself about why you want to meet with another person. Do you really want to learn from them, or do you want them to be impressed by you and affirm you? Or do you perhaps just want to externally process a situation? Just be honest. Instead of asking, “Can we meet so I can hear your wisdom?” you can ask, “Can we meet so I can externally process my situation with a trusted individual?” That’s a perfectly reasonable request.
Most of all, consider that God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. In every conversation, you have the opportunity to express humility and, therefore, receive the grace of God. But in every conversation, you’ll be tempted to be prideful and foolish instead.
