It can be both a joy and a trial to witness another person’s Christian life. It can be a joy when you learn that they long for holiness and that they long to strive toward what is theirs in Christ. It can be a trial when you learn that they appear to have little longing for holiness and are content to merely shuffle instead of strive toward what is theirs in Christ.
I realized only recently that one of my most common conversations with members of my church is the one about helping their loved ones grow in grace. Some have a spouse who professes faith but whose walk seems to be marked by apathy. Others have a child who has made what appears to be a legitimate profession, but who seems to be growing at a snail’s pace instead of a cheetah’s. Others are attempting to disciple a new believer and struggling with how little progress that person is making. In these cases and so many more, they can grow discouraged.
What most Christians learn is that sometimes we want another person’s holiness more than they do. Sometimes our longing for their sanctification is greater than their own. Or at least it appears that way to us. And in such occasions, we will be tempted to either nag them to death or to walk away altogether. We will be tempted to leave them with a lingering sense of our disapproval whether through bearing down or giving up. But just as no one comes to faith through another person’s nagging, neither does anyone grow in sanctification through it. Rather, both require the inward work of the Holy Spirit. We can foster that work, but if we are not careful we can also inhibit or discourage it.
Just as no one comes to faith through another person’s nagging, neither does anyone grow in sanctification through it.
So what should you do when you grow concerned about another person’s progress or lack thereof? How can you respond in the face of what appears to be their apathy toward sanctification? Here are a few suggestions.
First, understand that everybody’s faith is unique. While there are common elements, God has made us all different from one another and you should not expect that another person’s expression of it will look exactly like your own. Be humble as it relates to your own faith and be optimistic as it relates to the other person’s. Make sure you are actually looking for evidence that they are growing to be like Christ, rather than growing to be like you. Those may not be the same thing.
Second, understand that one of your gifts may be an especially earnest desire to grow in grace. While we may wish that every Christian was so highly motivated, the reality is that not all are. Yet a moment’s honesty will invariably show that such people may have strengths where you are weak. Some people seem to do much more with what appears to us to be much less.
Third, look for and appreciate even the least measures of growth. Commend every evidence of God’s grace in that other person, not merely the ones you most long to see. Try to look at them through the eyes of a proud Father rather than a discouraged mentor.
Finally, as you are able, attempt to help that person strengthen the most basic element of their faith, which is their relationship with the Lord. Any relationship depends upon communication and communication depends upon both speaking and listening. Hence, more important than anything else and more foundational to a thriving Christian life is hearing from God and speaking to God—hearing from him through the Word and speaking to him through prayer. Consider focusing your efforts on these most foundational disciplines.
It can be both a joy and a trial to walk beside another person as they grow in grace. Thankfully, their growth does not ultimately depend upon us, but upon the one who has saved them, the one who is sanctifying them, and the one who will bring them home. Our calling is not to replace the Holy Spirit but to come alongside him to foster the work that is most truly his.
