It’s time for a new batch of letters to the editor. These week’s letters address three topics and come from all over the world. As you will see, the majority of them address that tricky matter of whether or not it is okay for Christians to decide deliberately not to have children. But first, there’s a letter from a friend.
David Powlison kindly sent along a lengthy but helpful letter on sparking a lukewarm devotional life and I felt it was worth sharing in its entirety.
Here’s another item to add to the list, something I’ve found extremely significant in my life. Lukewarmness is not only about the Bible seeming dull and distant. It is equally about our souls becoming dull and distant from how we are doing and what we are facing.
Scripture’s relevance arises because it is exactly keyed our daily, real life struggles. Feel the sting of your sins; feel the weight of the life pressures you are facing; feel concern for the struggles (sins and afflictions) of those you love—and you will know where you need immediate help from the Lord. Whenever we become vividly aware of where we actually need outside help today, Scripture comes alive. Promises speak exactly the hope you need. Commands give exactly the guidance that will set you free. God’s perspective is exactly the perspective that will reframe whatever you are facing. And stories demonstrate how other saints have struggled in very similar ways—different in every detail, but similar in pattern. We do not live by bread alone but by every word from the mouth of God. That’s true in detail, not just as a noble sentiment to profess.
So, for example, Philippians 4:6 speaks a life-rearranging word: “Don’t be anxious about anything.” That’s not just a vague good intention and a call to calm down. It invites you in. Begin your devotional time by stopping to ponder these questions: “What are all the things I’m anxious about? What’s stressing me? Where am I brooding on yesterday or apprehensive about tomorrow?” The entire context in Philippians 4 will explode with significance, with relevant promises, with guidance, with invitations to hard thinking about the intersection of God’s truth with your life, with awareness that you must pray real prayers to the real God whom you really need.
Or consider how the Psalms are written to draw us in and express our life experience. Psalm 25, for example, grapples with feeling the assaults of a godless world, with sensing ones personal need for the Lord’s mercy and instruction, with honest distress at life’s pressures and afflictions, with awareness that brothers and sisters face these same problems and need similar help. It is guaranteed that some or all these realities are relevant today. Unlike the Bible’s stories, a psalm speaks in experiential general categories, inviting us to fill in our details. And psalms do the same thing with the promises of God. We are given summary categories: steadfast love, faithfulness, mercy, blessing, watchful care, refuge, and the like. These speak to us in their own right; they can also be filled in with New Testament details.
Or consider how the Proverbs are written to provide immediate flashes of insight into what you are pursuing in life, what voices you listen to, how you talk with other people, how you relate to sex, money, food, drink, rest, work. They are relevant. How can we bring our day into contact with a beam of light? One could do worse than simply read in Proverbs until something strikes home, and then take that one striking bit of wisdom out into the day.
It is impossible for our devotional life to stay same-old same-old when we awaken to the intersection of two things: 1) what is really happening in my life?, and 2) how does who God is touch what is really happening? The blessing on the “poor in spirit” comes first for a reason. When we know our need for outside help, for gifts that only the Lord can give, then the kingdom of God is at hand in our day today.
I’d just like to say thanks for this article. It’s a great reminder amongst the drudgery of daily chores that each action has purpose and dignity. It is too easy to believe the lies that much of daily life is repetitive and purposeless. Yet it is all ordained by God and given to us for our good. Thanks. I’ll keep this in mind when I pick up after the kids… again.
—Jane S, Brisbane, Australia
Comments on Is It Okay Deliberately Not to Have Children?
Your article was excellent. For those of us who cannot have children, there is another compelling problem – must we pursue having children by other means, and how far do we take this? In an era of increasing infertility, IVF, surrogacy and whatever else, those strongly (and rightly) desiring a child can be tempted to pursue this desire to great lengths and at any cost. I realise this is a whole different topic to your article, but one also worthy of greater exploration.
—Elizabeth C, Canberra, Australia
I really appreciate everything you continue to do for the church, Tim. I just had one caveat to this particular article. It may help explain an example of what constitutes an “exception”. My wife and I both desire to have biological children, but we have not been actively trying to for years because of my wife’s serious health issues which prevent her from sitting and have caused her many painful back problems. We have tried many things to help, even surgery, but it hasn’t yet resulted in what we had hoped for. This is why we are looking at adoption, possibly of an older child so they will not require my wife to sit as much. On the positive side, this has allowed her to spend more time discipling other women, even using her physical suffering as an example of God’s perfect purposes for her, and for me to lead a street evangelism ministry. I guess I’m trying to say that there are other valid physical reasons for not trying to have biological children than we often think of. Perhaps in our case, your statement should read “try to have biological children or adopted children.” That would help clarify more exceptions that exist for people in our situation that people often don’t think about. Thanks!
— Jeremy Z, Hudson, WI
I thoroughly enjoyed your recent article on whether or not it is ok for a Christian couple to abstain from having children. While your article did mention that for some they may not be able to have children you seemed to have left out the option of adoption. So my question is whether or not it is okay for a Christian couple who is perfectly able to have children to choose not to and instead choose adoption? I often feel like adoption is every parent’s second choice, or it is only something a family does after having biological children. But what if this is their first choice and do not want to have children by natural means?
—Scott R, Wake Forest, NC
Your article is very good but misses a reason for deliberate childlessness which is, I think, rather more serious and merits some attention. For many persons (Christians included, see John 16:33), we live in a world filled with pain and senselessness. Even a good life is difficult to bear for many persons. So, why bring children to the world only to be subjected to a difficult, painful existence? See Ecclesiastes 4:2-3 for a similar point of view. Thanks!
—Eduardo S, Asunción, Paraguay
I appreciate your insight in writing about a question I have struggled to answer myself as Christians I know begin to consider deliberate childlessness. Though no reasons will suffice (children cannot be imposed on anyone), your article has given me the arguments to defend my point of view.
I consider procreation a crucible to develop generosity and believe choosing childlessness is the ultimate expression of materialism and self-centeredness, in choosing things and what money can buy over people.
That being said, a question remains. If we can choose how many children to have, couldn’t we choose to dismiss them altogether? Isn’t birth control also a rebellion against God’s sovereignty and a desire to fulfill his plans for fruitfulness our way?
—Adriana F, Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
Recently you wrote about the question “Is It Okay Deliberately Not To Have Children?” with reference to Christopher Ash. Most of the time I find myself agreeing with you, or at least respecting your well thought-out thoughts. However this time, I feel maybe you have erred somewhat.
First of all let me say that, to Christians who do and want to have children, they are indeed blessings – an “inconvenient blessing”, maybe, but a blessing nonetheless. They are not only a blessing to parents, but to others, and to God as well – in time. However, to create out of this a Biblical mandate that all Christians are commanded to have children seems something of a stretch.
Putting aside for a moment the blessings that do come from having children, you refer to three pieces of evidence for your conclusions: Psalm 127:3-5, Genesis 1:28, and Genesis 1:26-27. You state that “they build a solid case” for your conclusions, but it really feels like you’ve pulled them out of context. God’s command to Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” was for the creation of humanity – not a command for all people, but for a specific time and place. Childlessness as a curse is understandable, in a culture which valued lines of succession, family, etc, and in which older members of the family were reliant upon children for their survival. And humans may still be God’s most important creation without there being a hidden mandate for more and more children.
In the end, does the Bible command Christian couples to have children? No, I do not believe it does. It commands them to follow God’s will for their lives, and throughout all I can remember of the New Testament, that is never combined with a command to have children.
—Josh H, Melbourne, Australia