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The Death of the Grown-Up
- 12/28/10
- 45
Where have all the grown-ups gone? It’s a question that has perplexed me. Why is it that young people these days seem unwilling, or perhaps unable, to grow up? What is so attractive about youth, about perpetual adolescence, that is so attractive? My wife and I have discussed these things at length, trying to understand why so many of the young people we know (young people who are really not so young anymore) seem stuck. They are working on second or third college degrees; they are living at home with mom and dad, even into their thirties; they are looking at marriage only in their late twenties or early thirties. What is happening? When I was young I could hardly wait to pass through my teenage years so I could live life as an adult and in so doing I think I followed generations before me. What has happened since?
Diana West has asked the same questions and The Death of the Grown-Up is her attempt at an answer. A book that has generated no small response, it concludes that America is suffering from a case of arrested development and that this will, this must, bring down Western civilization. This is no small claim. Neither is it a popular one (as evidenced by a near 50/50 split in Amazon reviews between 1-star and 5-star reviews). But it is one West manages to legitimize.
It seems that one of the driving forces behind the death of the grown-up was the rise of the teenager. Before the 1940’s, the term teenager was unknown; before this period humans tended to fall into only two groups—children and adults. Exactly when a child transitioned to adult could vary, but what was clear was that there was no intermediate period. Furthermore, children, or those in their teen years, would seek to identify with adult culture—they would seek to behave like adults, to dress like adults, and to be taken seriously like adults. Today the tables have turned. “That was then. These days, of course, father and son dress more or less alike, from message-emblazoned t-shirts to chunky athletic shoes, both equally at ease in the baggy rumple of eternal summer camp. In the mature male, these trappings of adolescence have become more than a matter of comfort or style; they reveal a state of mind, a reflection of a personality that hasn’t fully developed, and doesn’t want to - or worse, doesn’t know how.”
It is teenagers who are respected and teenagers who are envied. Adults now seek to recapture youth and to return to their teen years. They dress like teens, think like teens and increasingly act like teens. This intermediate period between childhood and adulthood, this recent development, is being continually extended. Some organizations today go so far as to suggest that adolescence continues until age thirty. Some go further and suggest thirty-four. Thus a thirty-three year old man or woman should not truly be considered an adult. Any other generation would laugh at the mere suggestion.
After the idea of adolescence became popular, it took only a generation before popular culture, and particularly the medium of television, began to portray age as “square” and youth as “hip.” The dignity of age was replaced with disgust. Where children used to orbit around their parents, today the opposite is true. Parents orbit around their children, “abdicating their rights and privileges by deferring to the convenience and entertainment of the young.” No wonder, then, that people wish to avoid adulthood.
There are consequences to our disregard for maturity. “Even as age has been eliminated from the aging process, they have a hunch that society has stamped out more than gray hair, smile lines, and cellulite. What has also disappeared is an appreciation for what goes along with maturity: forbearance and honor, patience and responsibility, perspective and wisdom, sobriety, decorum, and manners—and the wisdom to know what is ‘appropriate,’ and when.”
Having laid a foundation for the death of the grown-up, West surveys a variety of topics, showing how they are contributing to the downfall of society or how they played a role in the rise of the adolescent. She looks to popular music and entertainment, to parents who need parents, and to a society that values excess rather than control. And then the book takes an unexpected turn. As she moves from the past to the future, West suggests why this matters so much; she turns to the consequences of the death of adulthood and the death of maturity. Focusing on the ideas of multiculturalism and political correctness, cultural forces she believes could only be accepted by an immature society that is willing to pretend that differences are non-existent and unimportant, she suggests that these leave us entirely unequipped to deal with the forces seeking to destroy us. And here she points primary to Islam and to terrorism. She writes about how our immature thinking leaves us unable to grapple with the reality of what we are facing in global Islam. Our society sits passively by, anaesthetized with movies, music, television and video games, while Islam plants deeper and deeper roots within.
The Death of the Grown-Up is a compelling book. While it is certainly not the only book examining the growth of adolescence, it is perhaps the most far-reaching and the most courageous in its analysis of where this will and must lead. If West is correct, our society needs to grow up and needs to do so before it is too late. Yet whether or not you find you agree with her prescription, only a person blind to the culture could disagree with her initial analysis. And on this basis alone this book is worth reading and enjoying. I recommend it to anyone with an interest in understanding the culture we find ourselves in.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (45)
Seems like one of those books people might read without realizing it’s talking about them!
Great post! This is a seriously interesting topic. I’ve wrestled with it before as I’ve heard Driscoll discuss “boys who can shave”.
This phenomenon is undeniable.
Great post Tim, on an important topic. I would however disagree with your initial assessment that pursuing additional education is a sign of adolescence. I can see where you’re coming from, but all the doctoral students I know seem to have a definite trajectory and goal for their life, oftentimes in fields where a Ph.D. is required.
As always your blog is much appreciated and very valuable.
“Why is it that young people these days seem unwilling, or perhaps unable, to grow up?”
It would help to define what you mean by “grow up”.
“What is so attractive about youth, about perpetual adolescence, that is so attractive?”
I can think of a few things. Nobody’s body has started to age; everyone is about as physically attractive as they’re ever going to be. There’s very little real responsibility; responsibility often feels like a burden. There is limitless opportunity; dreams haven’t yet been closed off by circumstance and time. Youth is often associated with enthusiasm, zeal for life, discovery, openness to new things, innocence, etc.
“They are working on second or third college degrees”
Why is this a sign of not growing up?
“they are living at home with mom and dad”
This is easy to explain from a financial point of view. It’s also much more common in non-western countries (and historically in western countries) for adult single folk (women especially) to live with their parents.
“When I was young I could hardly wait to pass through my teenage years so I could live life as an adult”
I don’t think that’s changed. Perhaps their definition of adult doesn’t match yours, though. It seems mainly to be “the freedom to do what I want and the financial means to do so”. It doesn’t necessarily include “getting out of school and working 9-to-5” or “marrying and having kids”.
I have read this book and would also recommend it. The supremacy of the “teen culture” is so ingrained that I was shocked to learn that it had only started in the ‘40’s. Considering what the country (and large parts of the world) had just endured, it is not entirely surprising that a desire to spoil and preserve youth sprung from it.
She goes into great detail regarding how advertisers and media jumped on this rather quickly with teen oriented magazines. Naturally, that would give a delivery system for teen oriented products and thus the teen popular culture took off.
What has also resulted from this is a reversal in roles with very small children. From “playdates” to the pressure to make sure your child has all of the latest educational toys and enrichment. Our grandparents used to pull the kids up and let them roll out dough with them, now we set them up on designer kid sized furniture and let them roll out play dough with specialized kits and tools.
On the whole, I agree with her conclusions. The problem lies in swinging the pendulum back to sobriety and maturity. I would have thought 9/11 would do more to push it but unfortunately, the effects of that were far too short lived.
As a side note- when I was in high school I participated in two short study abroad programs. One was to Germany and the other to Japan. One thing that struck me about my peers in those countries was how much more responsible and generally well-behaved they seemed to be compared to my peers at home. Now, my sample sizes were pretty small, and I may not have been around these students in “typical” situations, but it certainly seemed that way.
For instance, in Germany, there was a city-wide “field day”. My student convinced his school’s principle to let he and I leave school in the middle of the day to go attend it. We just left and got on a city bus. Of course, instead of going to the field day we went to a pub and each had a pint of beer. Which was totally legal. At no time, however, did he entertain the idea of doing anything illegal or dangerous, or in any way abusing his ability to legally purchase alcohol. Except for the fact that we were skipping the field day, it was very much an outing two adults might have had; sitting down to chat and have a beer. At 16 I felt like, and was acting like, an adult.
Another book in this same vein (which I’ve yet to read) is: “The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen” by Robert Epstein.
The elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss is drugs. I haven’t read her book but I didn’t see any mention of this in your review. You live in a completely drug addicted society. It affects everything around you.
Our society is on an inevitable trajectory, with respect to the things that West mentions, in an attempt to legitimize their lifestyle choices. The one choice that most affects maturity is not homosexuality, or promiscuity, or profligate behavior, or too much college, but it is drugs.
“At 16 I felt like, and was acting like, an adult.”
So adulthood means acting like adolescents who lie in order to skip school and have a beer…
My entire church is treated like a high school group. Our next sermon (sorry, “message”) series is titled “Life Is Too Short for Your Relationships to Suck.”
I guess that the parents who do not want their young children to use the word “suck” in its slang sense are supposed to just … suck it up.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29, NIV).
In response to your point about non-western culture supporting children living with parents, I would like to offer a counter point. As a sailor, I have visited many foriegn countries in Asia and while I don’t know everything, I would suggest that adult offspring live with their parents as a way of supporting the parents as they age, not the other way around as it is in America.
That it is financially agreeable for a child to live with his/her parents past youth is understandable, but not the point. One cannot be “your own man” if you hope mom and dad continue to pay the rent.
@Chris: Sure, that part was wrong, but not necessarily juvenile. Adulthood means having the self-restraint to enjoy something like a beer without going nuts and getting falling down drunk, then driving around and killing someone. My guess is that German teens are much, much more capable of responsibly handling their legal ability to consume alcohol. Mainly because they’re expected to. In that respect they’re treated like adults, and more or less act like adults.
@Dan: I’m not suggesting it happens very often, but I can envision a scenario where one lives with one’s parents but is still “one’s own man”. For instance, if one were to pay rent (discounted from what one would pay to live outside the home) and help with household chores. This would be a “win win” for the parents and child, assuming each can handle sacrificing a bit of privacy. The parents get extra income in the form of rent and the child gets a discount on his/her housing/food expenses.
This is unrelated, but I have spoken with a few hyper-traditional Christians who consider that single women should only leave their parents’ homes when they marry. Given Gen 2:24, a strict literal reading might also apply this rule to men.
“It doesn’t necessarily include “getting out of school and working 9-to-5” or “marrying and having kids”.”
Then it’s not really, normatively, adulthood. That is, not each and every full adult will do those things, but that is normative adulthood, and not doing them is normative childhood.
So if I wear my Charlie Brown Christmas t-shirt or wear normal jeans , with new sneakers then I’m not grown up . Just kidding , although I love my T-shirt .
It is a concern but attitudes are everything. Having ones own place is not an indicator . I know people who due to pure economics had to move back home with Mom and Dad and they are more grown up the some I know who , believe it or not , own businesses .
How one conducts one self is the measure of growing up . Not putting off marriage till all the dots are signed( as if when that ever happens) , being your kids Dad or Mom not their friend .
It is a strange thing to see a 50 year old acting like a teenager . But I have seen it with my own eyes . I think what we are seeing is the influence of the Rock culture play out with attitudes towards aging,marriage,sex,money,faith,work and life in general . For this is the generation that had its mind shaped by the ideology of rock music of sex,drugs and its focus on rebellion , youth and screw those in authority . They are the ones who have been parenting this new block of kids stuck in puberty at 40 .
It is a sad thing to see but there is always hope .
In spite of all the things that divide and distinguish individuals, humanity is still in unity concerning its origin, its essence, its present and its future!
Tim, can you (or anyone else) explain to me how she views Islam? What is her issue with Islam? Why does she see it as a bad thing that society is infiltrated by Islam?
looks like a good read - thanks for the recommendation.
Ironically, for those who don’t think this is a problem, just look to one of the most popular songs of the year: Teenage Dream by Katy Perry, a song all about recapture the carefree lifestyle of two teenagers free to “love” without the responsibility. I don’t think it is a coincidence.
I would agree with some of the comments that it is hard to know what is normative for adulthood except the common denominator of those who take responsibility for more than themselves in all areas of their life. A lot of this does boil down to what we expect from children and what they are actually able to do.
My view is that this is just the expected result from a society that for 40 years has destructed the Biblical model of fatherhood, and the men who have allowed this to happen. Men are supposed to be our leaders, our teachers, our moral and spiritual authority - all clearly laid out in the Bible. But we have allowed men to be marginalized.
The enemy has had a strong hand in taking out men through the women’s movement (no disrespect to the wonderful women, but God’s model and society’s are much different), political correctness, the media, public education, corporations, and the cultural revolutions of the 60’s and 70’s. Men are depicted as immature and incapable (ie Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half men, etc) and men in America have accepted that image.
We have a media that is pervasive, intentional, and has convinces most all of us to be lazy and rely on the government or someone else.
Men need to choose to follow God and read His word to learn how. Churches need to teach and empower men. Alternative work needs to be created so that men won’t fall victim to the corporate conformity that endangers the family and conditions reliance. Homeschooling should be embraced. And men need to choose to do what is right, rather than what feels good.
Praise God and pray that we are not too late.
Just reviewing you response to Tim’s post seems to smack of post modern adoltesence; question everything, “that’s just your opinion”, etc. If you look at the whole “meta-narrative” of the Bible, there seems to be no teenage time of life, from “be fruitful and multiply” to Paul becoming a man and giving up childish ways. This “new” generation of “kids” seems to be about “what I want” even in the christian culture… “I want more of a voice on what happens at church so I should be an elder” (… pardon, a twenty-somethin year old Elder!!) and the thing is is that we, as a church cater to this!! We need to be teaching “honor to whom honor is due”, trying to help these kids to understand that decisions of life are best left for the adults to make, so grow up if you want to make some of these decisions!…. just sayin. :^/
Sorry, my above response is to: J.P.H.# 4
I am an early baby boomer. I remember things being different. Before I was ten there was not the demarcation between “teenage” music and “adult” music. By the early 60s this changed greatly.
I read all of the comments….some thoughts.
At the beginning of the Iraq war, I had a colleague against it. In her 20-something mind all wars were mistakes. Unfortunately, it was fairly obvious that this very serious thing was interfering with self-gratification.
Parents do not have the authority they once did over their offspring. This is the result of constant disempowering of parents in the minds of their children. Living at home used to be quite an infringement on youthful freedom. This is no longer true. Many 20 somethings know all about their rights, but little about responsibilities (gee, I sound like my father). I think more live at home because they do what they please either way.
The media is a major culprit. 40 plus years of “kids know best” plots in movies, tv shows, books (adults’ and childen’s), and”everywhere else you look.”
A lot of the fruits of secularization and postmodern philosophy can also be blamed.
Thank you for your excellent book reviews, Tim.
@TJB: “Just reviewing you response to Tim’s post seems to smack of post modern adoltesence”
How so?
Sounds like a great book but I think all of this boils down to all the technology in the world being misused has given us a mass of irresponsibility.
J.P.H.
I also would like to know what prompted TJB’s response to you.
It would not matter if I agreed with what you said or not, your questions to me just mean that you are a thinking person; and there is nothing wrong with that.
The postmodern mind set however, questions everything including long held Christian orthodoxy; which wouldn’t be bad, if their focus was remaining true to what the Scriptures teach. However, for the most part, the postmodern mind set thinks in a subjective manner, believing that the subjective thoughts of the reader is more important than being dogmatic about what Scripture says; seeing as (in their minds anyway) no body can know for sure if they have the correct understanding of Scripture.Brian MacLaren’s rejection of the orthodox doctrine of hell is one such example of what I am talking about.
T.J.B. it seems to me that if you think that J.P.H. communicates like a postmodern, it is better to ask him/her for clarification before you make such statements.
A hearty Amen to David, JUSTOPENTHEBOOK!
The dwarfing of American men is the direct result of the disintegration of fatherhood in this American society, and it has bled across the globe.
Only a Biblical response on the part of parents, one that is willing to sacrifice and do the hard thing of discipling their children in the deep truths of the faith will raise boys to become men, and girls to become chaste women. Given the trajectory that we’ve been on, it is a long shot, but the only shot, and as Christians, we must give it our best shot.
Teenagers are more physically attractive than they’re ever going to be as adults? I beg to differ on that one! :)
Sorry, that was supposed to be a reply to JPH’s comment at 10:39am
OK Tim
Here’s your challenge before you do, as you often do, move onto a new subject leaving some of us in limbo.
Where’s your biblical response to this book? Where is it correct, where is it wrong? What should the Christian response be? How should we think biblically about age, children to adulthood, leaving home, work, clothes? What is a biblical response to Islamisation? Is the writer correct in her assumptions? Methinks you need to dig deeper to not only review the book but to offer a biblical response.
J.P.H.,
Defending or at least overlooking irresponsible adolescent behavior while proclaiming your ability to drink beer without getting into trouble (even though by lying and skipping you were already getting into trouble) is not exactly a hallmark of maturity… It does do a bit more to demonstrate the kinds of issues raised in the book. That you fail to see the problem is perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this and also demonstrates the problem. Young people do not seem able, or perhaps willing, to recognize their own irresponsibility. There are a million excuses and justifications, and we see many of them in this comment thread.
This book sounds AWESOME! Adding it to my Amazon wishlist right now. (Which means I will hunt it down very, very soon!) Thanks for the review and for your thoughts on it.
@Tammy: I was thinking more in the 17-18 range, but yeah- point taken with respect to younger kids.
@Chris: I admit we were wrong not to go to the field day. That said, I still think it’s somewhat irrelevant to the point I was trying to make, which is that my German host student and his peers were generally better able to exhibit self-control and act responsibly than your typical American. That doesn’t mean they always obeyed those in authority (case in point: our trip to the pub), but in this case, even when he disobeyed it was to engage in otherwise responsible behavior.
Tim, I had Diana West on the program awhile back… folks may be interested in listing to the audio file: http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=11408122101
In many ways, I think it boils down to responsibility. The question we should be asking ourselves is: are we responsible for ourselves or do we depend on those around us? I know someone in particular who is married, has three kids, and is buying a house, but she is constantly asking for money both from her grandmother and her parents. I doubt any of it is ever paid back. When her parents go on trips, she asks to tag along so her parents will pay the expenses of the trip. The negligent thing in my opinion is that her grandmother and parents don’t just say no! They are contributing to her delinquency and enabling her to have no self control, no budget, and no consequences for her actions. This redirection of consequences is at the heart of the problem with America. From corporate bailouts to an out of control national deficit to increased bankruptcies and foreclosures, this is the new American epidimic. We borrow but don’t want to pay. We sow but don’t want to reap.
Son Followers Blog
“Where have all the grown-ups gone?”
They’re certainly not on Facebook or Twitter…..
Now to cancel my FB account and grow up…
Sounds interesting and provocative, but before reading I would want to know whether the author (a) makes any specific points or recommendations, and (b) supports those points with objective facts.
Exactly how (or alternatively, why) should a Gospel-centered believer read this book?
I’m 22, live with my parents but I do not desire my youth. I’m pursuing an education, I do work, and am pursuing a relationship with a nice young lady from Church.I’m very active in serving my Church, and am faithful to her.
When did my place of residency determine if I was a man or not?
If growing up means going bank rupt for housing bills I can’t pay, than I think the social science behind this book is in error.
A young adult should pursue his or her education, faithfulness to the Church and to God, pursuing goals to achieve life stability, and is not goofing off with youth group in their 20’s.
The place of residency while one is pursuing a higher education should not be the judgment of if one is an adult or child.
I think for some of us, the problem is that we’re afraid to grow up.I’m not saying this is the reason for everyone’s adultescence, but there are those who are afraid of all the good and bad things that come with being an adult. A loss of innocence, being thrust into an ungodly world, getting weighed under with responsibilities. To some, it can feel like their world is cracking at the seams, and will do all they can to sew it up with the threads of ignorance and staying in their shells.
Just a thought.
I definitely agree with you. In your case, I think you’re being a responsible adult by being wise financially. You’re getting an education and putting yourself in a position to be successful. It seems that we are throwing everyone into a really big bucket. However, I’m sure you’ve met people in your travels who do fit this description—people who take advantage of those around them out of laziness, greed, or just plain old self centeredness. While you may be the exception, I still believe that we are increasingly suffering from an inability to take responsibility in this culture. We don’t take hold people accountable for their failures. I hope that as a responsible 22 year old you can see the importance of allowing people to suffer the consequences of their decisions. How else would they learn?Son Followers Blog
This is a topic I have been thinking about for several months, and I’m glad I’ll be able to get a book that adds some insight to my musings. I hope the book offers some solutions and not just problems. Though I have four little one of my own, I find that I am still growing up myself, and I hope that I can teach my kids to want to be adults, and then *become* godly successful adults.
Hi! Tim.
Just hope you have a Blessed vacation with your family.Take Care, Brother!God Bless!
Hi Joe Sr. I am one who is usually part of the generation that gets analyzed inside and out (born in 1981; 29 years old).
Before I unpack my thoughts, may I first say I agree with your comments. However, your side comment in parenthesis caught my attention. I recognize it was most likely sarcasm, and by no means I am placing blame on you as the representative voice of your generation; however, I have heard comments like that from boomers my whole life. Such as, “I sound like my father.” “Mr. So-n-so is my father, call me Steve.” Stuff like that.
I understand conversational tone and the playful intention behind remarks like that, but, even as a younger man than I am now I have seen adults older than me not want to be adults. Again, I am not calling you out, as I agree with your comments, I am just saying something from relating to my boomer parents (and all the other adults older than me).
Also, people (myself included), please stop saying with a twinkle in your eye, “These are the best years of your life; enjoy ‘em while you can.” That is something that has always bothered me; even back in high school. I always thought, “Really? Man, I sure hope not.”
There is something wonderful about childhood and youthful rigor; but please model to us how to be old (child-like) men and women who are following Christ and “having the best years” of your lives, right now in your older age (sorry, I’m not channeling Osteen’s book). Then model for us when you are really old and your health is failing; and then model for us when you are passing on into the intermediate state awaiting resurrection. Tell us the goodness of God as he has been faithful throughout your life; may my generation and I taste and see his faithfulness as well, and may we tell our children of his wondrous works.
I just read this VERY interesting book-excellent, and thanks for your review on it, too. I wonder at the impact this book might have as mandatory reading for a student to graduate High School??? I also think it’s going on my “must read” for all adults list.
:)
evy
One problem with Ms West’s book is she .. lifts its (presumed) thesis from Wyndham Lewis’ 1930 classic “Doom of Youth,” but rather than making any effort to capture that book’s spirit, she essentially presents a rewrite of Allan Bloom’s “The Closing of the American Mind.” In Bloom’s now dated study, the “enemy” is Academia: it’s the Duke English Department, instead of the specter of Radical Islam, threatening to undermine all that we are pleased to include under the umbrella “Western Civilization.” Bloom goes after Michael Jackson, not because he inspires gay/homosexual type behavior among young people, but that he provides the wrong sort of gay example (Bloom, himself homosexual, extolled the Spartan Ideal). In any case, Bloom’s book - a product of the American 1980’s - is a transitional document: the scourge of Global Communism is on its last legs and a certain class (the American Enterprise Institute and other think tanks) are floundering about for a suitable enemy. West, of course, casts her lot with the neo-Cromwellians who managed to turn an attack by followers of the 200 year old Wahhabi cult into a modern day crusade against one-fifth of the world’s population. The irony is that Ms West is Jewish and her .. alarmist rhetoric is all too familiar (on her personal website she links to pages such as “Gates of Vienna” and the unabashedly white supremacist Vdare.com). Very disappointing.