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Applying the Heat
- 10/05/09
- 17
In my experience there is usually one of the spouses in a marriage that handles the majority of the doctoring and nursing duties. There is one who has the medical knowledge and who knows what to do when a child or spouse is injured or maybe just plain under the weather. There is one who can clean up vomit without adding to the mess themselves. For my marriage, this person is most definitely Aileen. She is the one who is always the first to notice the signs of sickness in our children. I may think they are acting perfectly normal, but she notices something almost indiscernible and declares that they are in the early stages of a cold or flu. Though I usually protest that nothing is wrong, more often than not time bears out the fact that she is right…again.
Aileen has a remedy for everything. Somehow she has learned how to treat any ailment. Some of these treatments make perfect sense to me; others, well, not so much. One that continues to confuse me is putting a hot cloth on something that is infected. If one of us has some weird skin thing going on, Aileen will put heat on it and insist that this draws the infection to the surface. I remain skeptical, though who am I, really, to challenge her? I looked it up online and the plethora of medical sites out there seem to agree that there is something to this theory. Maybe it is more than an old fable or wives’ tale that has been handed down to her. Heat draws out the infection.
Lone Rangers Are Dead Rangers
I thought of this principle a while back when meeting with a men’s group and wrote about it then, but it was fresh in my mind again this morning. None of the men in this group had a huge blight on his face or anything unsightly like that. We had been reading through Josh Harris’ Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is) and came to the chapter dealing with accountability and the kind of friendship that asks the tough questions. We talked together for quite some time about the kind of relationship that allows for deep and probing questions—the kind of relationship that offers a real level of accountability. We soon came to see that almost all of us desire to be in this kind of relationship—one where we can speak with other Christian men and have them both challenge us to put sin aside and preach the gospel to us in those times where we’ve committed that sin yet again. This is not just accountability that focuses on sexual sins, but on all kinds of sin and transgression. But though it seems that all of us felt we could benefit from this kind of relationship, I believe that very few of us actually are.And this has been my experience and my observation. It’s interesting to me that Christian men are hesitant to seek out this kind of relationship (and here I implicate myself as much as any man). Men want these relationships but very few are actually in them. I’m quite convinced that the main reason, or at least one of the main reasons, is that as men we are convinced that we would be the one who was imposing on others. I’d be glad to talk to a friend if he called me at midnight in the throes of a crisis. But I would never think of calling another if I was the one experiencing crisis. I would be glad to help a friend who truly desired a measure of accountability, but it would not occur to me to impose upon another if I needed accountability. Everyone is busy; why would I want to be a bother? And yet the other men are thinking the same. Maybe it’s time for us to lay aside pride and let other men into our lives.
Applying the Heat
According to Alan Medinger (quoted in Harris’ book) an accountability relationship is “one in which a Christian gives permission to another believer to look into his life for purposes of questioning, challenging, admonishing, advising, encouraging and otherwise providing input in ways that will help the individual live according to the Christian principles they both hold.” These relationships are one in which Christians apply heat to each others lives. They ask tough questions, probing questions, potentially humiliating questions, in order to help a person unearth evidence of sin. Because we often have trouble seeing the sin in our own lives, we ask others to seek it out on our behalf.Drawing Out the Infection
Too many accountability relationships end there. They are incomplete, ending with sin or with sympathy. Confession is necessary and we may well sympathize with one another as we discuss sins that are common to all men. But we cannot and must not end there. Instead we must take those sins to the cross. We must be prepared not only to look each other in the eyes to ask about sin, but also to look each other in the eyes and preach Christ. We need more than confession and sympathy—we need the cross of Jesus Christ; we need the gospel so we can draw out that infection. We need to admonish, challenge, advise and always preach the gospel. As Harris says, “The most important thing we can do for each other when we talk about sin and temptation is to remind each other of God’s provision for our sin—the Cross of Jesus Christ.”This is the kind of friends, the kind of brothers, we need to be. We need to be brothers who will ask the difficult questions—who will apply the heat—so that we can help one another draw out the infection.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).”
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (17)
here’s an alternative view…
…just as many evangelicals are dead-set on being lawmakers on God’s behalf, many more are committed to becoming little holy ghosts for their brothers and sisters. One’s “accountability partner” becomes a surrogate for the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit’s work is usurped. This is a way “that seemeth right to a man.” We would expect this kind of thinking among Arminian believers who repose much weight in the actions of man as opposed to the operations of God, but the idea is rampant among Calvinists who have temporarily lost sight of the fact that God controls sanctification as much as any other aspect of our lives.
The dominant focus in Scripture is that men and women are accountable to God. Accountability is fundamentally vertical.
To seek out an accountability partner is to not only to discount God’s infinite provision for our sanctification, the Holy Spirit; it is to fly in the face of God’s warning in Isaiah 2:22: “Cease ye from man, whose breath is in his nostrils: for wherein is he to be accounted of?” Yet, many churches today unwittingly make men and women depend on each other, rather than upon God, for their sanctification, subtly (or not so subtly) shifting the motive for obedience in the process.
…the modern accountability movement and its counterpart in modern discipleship practice reinserts humans between God and man in regard to sanctification. This constitutes a return to sacerdotalism. But God doesn’t sanctify through peer pressure, He sanctifies us through His truth (John 17:17). The human agent is more likely to get in the way and realign our priorities and place undue burdens on people not actually commissioned to take over the Holy Spirit’s job in the first place.
Discipleship, not Accountability is the answer.
Well said Tim.Yet, what is a little counter-intuitive to us is that the best heat to apply is the warmth of Gospel love/mercy/acceptance in the Cross and the self-confession stimulated by Gospel security that helps men around us out themselves better and invite the scrutiny. I don’t call you to confess not so much as to inconvenience you, but because I don’t trust you to accept me. After all, you and I compete in everything. How do I know you won’t ding me if you learn I’m worse than you are? One of us has to go “low” first. Most likely, we are all struggling with both “younger brother” and “older brother” temptations and sins daily. My thesis is accountability flows when one man outs himself because of Gospel security of the amazing love of God at work in his life and then another man reminds him of the stunning forgiveness available to him. I must say that I have always sadly enjoyed using the Law more than loving the Law of the Lawgiver. We aren’t real because we don’t believe that the Gospel is better than what we’ve been thinking/living. It is. Funny how Gospel freedom makes me more accountable to the pursuit of obedience. I love that powerful Truth.
One thing missing from accountability is the aspect of getting to me before you screw up. Like in AA, you call me BEFORE you take a drink, not wait until later to either have me draw it out of you or you confess it.
That all important phone call can eliminate the need for most accountability if one is willing to make it. I have trouble there, because that requires even more humility than does accountability. But it works…I promise!
I certainly agree that these kinds of deep friendships are desirable, but God has given us a person-to-person accountability structure. We enter into it when we join a local church and vow to submit to church government under godly elders. Why do we seek accountability from other brothers and sisters rather than from the godly shepherds the Father has called for just that purpose? These men are much less likely to abuse the sheep because they are themselves accountable to the entire eldership, and ultimately the higher courts of the church. No, it’s not a perfect system because it is staffed by imperfect men, but I’m convinced we have not utilized it to its full potential, and when we bypass the elders of the church to enter into accountability relationships with other brothers and sisters in the pew, we are not giving the God-ordained system a chance at all. I’d really like to hear others’ thoughts on this.
First, let me say that I’m surprised that anyone would take umbrage with an accountability partner, yet I guess some folks do. Forgive me, but tearing down the idea of confessing one’s sins to a non-clergy peer seems a bit “holier than thou” to me, asks too much of church leaders and too little of everyone else, and negates the reality that Christianity is as much a horizontal faith as it is a vertical one.
Anyway…
I think other reasons exist for the lack of male accountability partners:
1. The relatively recent rise of parachurch ministries that put enormous pressure on men to be husbands and fathers has negated part of their being friends to other men. I mean, a man has only so much time, and if he’s spending it with other men, he’s neglecting his family, right?
2. Men are busier than ever. The amount of time they spend at work only continues to rise, commutes are longer than ever, work comes home with them through electronic connections, like Blackberries, and there’s only so much time in a day. Most men I know are beaten to a pulp at work and just want to crawl into their man-cave when they get home. Time for other men? Highly unlikely.
3. While the concept of men sharing their feelings keeps on being sold to men, those who do share often pay for it in unexpected ways. We say that we permit men to be vulnerable, but we really don’t. Those few men who are vulnerable often find that vulnerability coming back to bite them. They can be seen as weak, and our society still hates weak men, especially in the North American Church. And once bitten, twice shy. I would also offer that while we are willing to forgive women and children for their sins, we don’t always extend the same grace to men, especially since the sins of men tend to be so much more overt.
These factors, as well as what you named, Tim, are why accountability partners are a rare commodity.
Sam,
Perhaps you’ve met one of them too - the person who does more correcting and teaching than listening or even repenting of their own sins. I personally think confessing our sins one to another does not mean that we need to confess them to people for which we have little trust and/or admiration. God knows there a plenty of them in our churches. The greatest effect of confessing our sins to someone is that it nips pride right in the bud, where sin likes to breed and hide. But of course that’s not the only benefit.
Good article - I’ve forwarded it to on to several folks. Scripture is full of “one another” passages. It’s quite difficult to invite someone to walk into your life and comment on it, but that’s one way we grow. I want to be in iron-sharpening-iron relationships. Of course, wisely choosing an accountability partner is important. I want my (female) accountability partner to genuinely love me as a sister in Christ and truly desire to see me grow while challenging and exhorting with God’s Word. I want to be that accountability partner.
While I’m not a fan of all the post-confession stuff that goes on when an RCC priest hears confession, I think the best thing that could possibly happen in Evangelicalism is if we had our own version of the confessional booth. The guilt that so many Evangelicals bear would make this a major source of healing. Just to hear a flesh-and-blood person say to us in person, one on one, “Your sins are forgiven in the name of Jesus,” is something not enough Evangelicals get and explains many of the personal blow-ups we see prior to an Evangelical flames out.. Honestly, we talk about grace a lot, but seldom do we dispense it.
I have to agree with Sam (#1) on this issue. Perhaps the reason this type of “ministry” rarely succeeds is because there is no Biblical basis for it. It sounds good and pious and spiritual but it’s not. It breeds gossip and tale-bearing. Men who are surrounded by godly influences and practice this type of accountability can find themselves diving into secret sins (Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart) and wondering how they ended up there.
@ Tim Irvin (#9): “No biblical basis for it”? Seriously?
How about this: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”—James 5:16
Honestly, if Evangelicals took this seriously, we’d have way fewer massive flameouts like Swaggert and Baker, not more. People might actually find the healing that James talks about instead of walking around with all the baggage they carry.
And as far as this leading to gossip, take that up with James and the Holy Spirit. ;-)
The Bible is full of admonitions to bear one another’s burdens, to exhort one another, to stimulate one another to good deeds, and many more. We are to go to a sister or brother in sin and seek restoration. One reason that there are flameouts is that we live in isolation from one another, not truly sharing our struggles and hardships out of fear, shame, pride, arrogance, or blindness. To share those things with two or three trusted believers helps us walk with integrity. Believers bear responsiblity for one another. The Lord made us to live in community with one another; the Christian life is not one of isolation. I am part of a small group of ladies who share struggles with one another. We talk about what God’s Word says about a particular subject and we help one another apply that Word. While it is ultimately my responsibility to act on what God says, this small group points me to the Gospel and challenges me with Truth. I don’t always see correctly, and God uses others to correct, challenge, and encourage me. They are not my relationship with God, but they are instruments of Him in conforming me to Christlikeness.
I have struggled with deep seated anger and having a partner who can encourage me and hold me accountable has helped. Yes I spend time in scripture, and pray and do all those things and it has helped immensely. We keep each other’s confidences and we focus less on our sins and more on what it means to walk with God. We have tried to avoid making it focus less on our sins and more on our relationship with the Father.
I will blunt , this is a no go for me. I have been hurt in the past and even though I was in need of correction , I was beaten and abandoned , I was shown no grace , no mercy and it still hurts . Plus I admit I wrestle with anger at this individual but God has been gracious and helping me forgive and move on. Unless you have a person who can walk with you and not keep a record and score card , one who can take the heat as well as dish it and also forgive then you will only be hurt and become bitter. I’m not saying this cannot happen but right now I prefer talking to my best friend , my wife . I trust her with my life and her Godly character has sustained me through all the mess .
I somewhat agree with Sam, and much of this springs from the Shepherding Movement of the 70’s which also influences SGM, and don’t get me wrong I think CJ is a tremendous communicator and has influenced my theology more than any other but that doesn’t mean you’re correct on everything. I have confessed my sin in a similar situation and it back fired and when there was a falling out it was used against me so I would be cautious, we are fallen people.Mike
I find it less likely for men to have confidants. Men appear less inclined, less expected to have them whereas women always seem to have one or two handy. Correct me if I’m wrong but could it be that men are typically the “competitors”, expected to have it all together? In which case, it would be more difficult for men to find male friends who are willing to commiserate.
Timely reminder for me, Tim, as we have been having this exact discussion among our elders the past two meetings we’ve had. Hebrews 3:12-13 (“Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin”) could be combined with Hebrews 4:14-16 to firmly support your ideas here (“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need”).
@DLE (#10) I don’t believe this passage in James supports our seeking out accountability partners who help us “unearth evidence of sin” in our lives. Public sin should be confessed publicly and private sin should be confessed privately. In the long run I’ll stand with Isaiah and say, “Against Thee and Thee Only have I sinned.”