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Leadership in the Home - Introduction
- 11/30/09
- 36
This is a series about leadership in the home. It is geared specifically to men and I hope it will be of some use to guys of any age though perhaps it will be most at home in the hands of young men—those who are newly married or those who are to be married in the near future. I hope it is also the kind of series that a wife can pass to her husband and say, “Honey! Read this and tell me what you think of it…” When the series is complete I will put it together into a PDF file to make it easier to share in that way.
This series of articles really grew out of a previous series I wrote, one that dealt with the effects of pornography. After I wrote that series I received email after email from women whose husbands had fallen into sexual sin. So often these women lamented not only the pain of finding out that their husbands were involved in sexual sin but also the fact that these men were showing terrible, sometimes non-existent, leadership in the home. Many of these wives longed for their husbands to fulfill their God-given role as men, as husbands, as leaders of their homes. To be frank, there are a lot of Christian men who have no conception of their God-given role as leaders.
A husband’s unique role consists of three tasks: leadership, protection and provision. In fact, these may be the only unique abilities a man brings to the marriage relationship (beyond the obvious biological role). If he abdicates on any of these things, either allowing them to disappear altogether or forcing his wife to take over, he is less of a man for it. And she has less of a husband.
Most Christian men believe that they are expected to be leaders within the home. I would argue that most men, Christian or not, believe this in their heart of hearts. But few husbands know what it really means to be this kind of a leader. Few know what it means to be a godly husband. In the second article of this series, I want to prove to you that God has called husbands to lead.
A man is to lead in his home and family. He is to be the leader, the head. Of course this is not a headship that brings with it power and prestige and might, but a headship that brings with it love and care and sacrifice. This is the leadership exemplified by Jesus Christ who, as Lord of all the universe, became a servant and suffered for the sake of those he loved. This will be the topic of our third article.
The husband is to protect his family. This goes beyond physical protection, though this is an aspect of his role, but extends also to emotional protection, spiritual protection, sexual protection. He is to protect his family from any of the ways in which Satan would seek to corrupt and harm. This will be the topic of our fourth article.
And finally, the husband is to provide. He is to be ultimately responsible for ensuring that his family’s physical and financial needs are being met, but he is to do more than this. He is to provide for them financially, physical, spiritually and more. This will be the subject of the final article.
The Character of the Godly Husband
I want to dedicate the rest of this introduction to looking at a few of the necessary character traits of a godly leader in the home. These are traits you must cultivate if you want to successfully lead your wife and children.
Humility. This is probably an obvious one—a good leader is a humble leader, one who has an awareness of his own sins and weaknesses and one who knows who and what he is before God. But here is something you may not expect. I want to share a quick and humbling fact: If you are a young husband (and maybe even if you have been married for a long time), you are probably an awful leader. You’re probably really, really bad at it—so bad that I feel sorry for your wife and so bad that you would, too, if you could step outside yourself for a moment. The task of leadership does not come easily or naturally and neither does good leadership. Despite this, I want to encourage you to press on. You need to lead anyway, but you need to do it with great humility, not just knowing your own propensity to sin but also knowing that you are untested and unskilled as a leader. You will learn to lead well as you lead, if you lead humbly.
Confidence. You need to have confidence that God really has called you to lead your family. This can be hard to believe in a culture like ours that screams sexism! as soon as it hears a man claim that he leads his wife. You will need to study Scripture to give yourself a firm foundation to understand that God has called you to lead and you will need to study Scripture to help you know how to be that kind of leader. You will lead well only if you are confident that God stands behind you, affirming you in your leadership. Your leadership is not your own, but has been delegated to you by the One who created you, who created your wife, and who brought you together. Lead, then, with a humble confidence.
Godliness. You will need to be a godly man if you are to lead your family well. Like leadership, godliness does not come naturally and it does not come easily. It is, to borrow an excellent description, a long obedience in the same direction. It does not come without wars, without battles, without scars. It certainly does not come without persistence and dedication. Lead your family with a humble, confident godliness.
Love. If you are to be a godly husband, you need to have love for your wife—a love that is far greater than the love you have for yourself. Sound easy? It isn’t! We naturally love ourselves so much more than the one we claim to love the most. You will need to have a great love for your wife and children and a greater love still for God. You must be willing to count yourself last. You must be willing to die for your wife but, harder still, to live for her. You need to be willing and equipped to lead your wife with a humble, confident, godly love.
How do you do that? Read on…
*****
As the series progresses, I want to hear from you. If you would like to provide feedback beyond what makes sense to post in the comments, please feel free to get in touch via the contact page.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (36)
This looks to be another great series. Keep it up!
I’m always amused by these articles that purport to list “the attributes of a godly man/husband” and then proceed to list attributes that the New Testament identifies with Christians of either gender, not men exclusively.
I’m always amused by these articles that purport to list “the attributes of a godly man/husband” and then proceed to list attributes that the New Testament identifies with Christians of either gender, not men exclusively.
That’s rather a bizarre statement, I think. In a series about leadership should I not say, “these are qualities of a godly man?” I am not claiming that they are not qualities of a godly woman, too. I’m just emphasizing them in this context.
I have recently realized my ineptitude in leadership. My kids are on the fringe of being a mess, with one back-talking her mother and the other being too demanding. I’m in the Navy, and I’ve used that as an excuse to be absent. I hope that I can learn a lot from this series. I appreciate you tackling the topic. I learned a lot from your series on sexual detox, so I hope to learn from this as well.
Tim,
Why do you gear this specifically towards men if they are also qualities of godly women? Why not address this series to Christians in general?
Bradm,
As Tim stated in his introduction he writing these articles because after his sexual detox series there was an overwhelming response from women that demonstrated the lack of leadership in many men. So this is the focus of the series. Of course there will be things that will be applicable to women but the purpose is to show MEN how to lead their families.
Perhaps this would help you. In Ephesians 5 the command to husbands is that they love their wives. Of course women are supposed to love their husbands as well; but Paul is speaking to men about how godly headship works.
Hey Tim,I am really looking forward to this series. I sure need it! One thing I would like to say is in regards to this statement, “want to share a quick and humbling fact: If you are a young husband (and maybe even if you have been married for a long time), you are probably an awful leader.” I totally agree with this truth. As sinners we so often drift towards sin and selfishness. However, when I read Romans 8 (and I know you agree with this) it seems that as Christians indwelt by the Holy Spirit we have been delivered from the frustration of not being able to keep the law as we should. Now, through the power of the Holy Spirit, we have been given the ability to kill sin and live lives of love that fulfill the righteous requirement of God’s law. Christians have no excuse to be bad husbands. They are new creations in Christ that actually have the power to be awesome husbands. So I agree that humility is important but it needs to be a humility that realizes that there is the possibility to be amazing husbands for God’s glory. Thanks again!
Mr. Challies,This series is a good idea. It seems to be counter-cultural in the best possible way, seeking to shed Scriptural light on an issue that people (especially men) don’t want to think about in a culture that is opposed to personal responsibility when it costs you something. Thanks as well for reminding those who are trying to live this way why they are doing it!
Looking forward to the rest of the series…
Nick,I saw his reasons for this series. I guess I worded my question poorly. Tim says that there are certain abilities that are unique to men. But then in the comments he seems to be saying that they aren’t unique to men. I guess I was just asking for clarification on this.
As a leader of a mom’s bible study at our church I am so grateful for this new series. In our meeting this morning we discussed this very issue of how to encourage our husbands to be good leaders in the home. I will pass this on to all in our group. Thank you!
What Bradm said.
I’ve seen this time and again, the same circles: here is a list of attributes for godly men > list of generic Christian attributes > defense: they are for all Christians, but I’m aiming at men.
Yes, but your implication in the post (until somewhat retreated from in the comments) is that these are uniquely or especially masculine qualities, otherwise why bother setting them out specifically for men?
I think posts like this simply exhibit our strong desire to perpetuate firmly entrenched cultural myths about masculinity, and thereby keep the women “in their place.”
Mark,
If I’m writing about jogging in a magazine for men I will say, “You need to buy some good jogging shoes” and will give instructions on how to get properly fitted. That does not mean that this generic qualification does not also apply to women. I’m just saying that if you want to be a man who jogs, you’ll need good shoes.
So in the introduction to this series I’m saying “here are some specially-important character qualities if you would seek to be a godly husband.”
Tim, this is excellent material that bears repeating over and over again. I can’t wait for the next instalments in the series.
Mark Traphagen,
Are you saying that there is no difference between the biblical roles for men and women? If so, what do you do with Ephesians 5:22-33?
I feel like people’s reading comprehension skills are being inexplicably stretched somehow by this article. I am looking forward to the rest of it.
Tim, I appreciate the fact that you have noticed this great need in the church. I agree completely that men have abdicated their role (on average). However, there is one thing I have against you. I did not see any Scripture in the above article. Are you simply giving us your feelings on the matter, or is there a biblical precedent that shows men to be the leaders in their home and should have the qualifications that you listed? Where’s the Scripture man? I want you to help us see what God says about the issue, not inform us about what Tim says about it.
I always find this subject to provoke a tension in me - pulling me between encouragement and conviction, an uncomfortable place of humility for me to live in.
Great comment on reading comprehension abilities, Greg (#15).
Let’s not be intentionally dense, gentlemen. It’s not a godly attribute and it’s not terribly becoming in a comment thread.
Where’s the Scripture man? I want you to help us see what God says about the issue, not inform us about what Tim says about it.
It’s the Introduction. Give me a chance! :)
On the topic of providing, what if one’s wife has a higher salary? Further, what if the husband is a stay-at-home dad, while the wife has a career? Are these situations ungodly?
Let’s take it further. What if the wife has exceptional leadership skills, while the husband is a poor leader. Must he continue to try to lead, or are they justified in allowing her to lead the house? Surely the latter choice would result in a stronger household.
For my part, my wife and I do not recognise a leader in the house. We each bring strengths to the relationship, and we make choices based on reason and consensus. We do what works for us, and our marriage is strong because of it.
Thanks for doing this series Tim. It is so needed. I do Biblical financial counseling and have found that in the majority of times the man has given over the money responsibilities to the wife. He is sleeping like a baby while she is up all night worried about making the house payment. This way he can easily point the finger and or bury his head in the sand when they get in trouble. I hope you touch on the money issues.
Our church did something similar like this a while back. You can see the details and hear some of the sessions here: http://www.mgbconline.org/ministries/mensministry/
We called the session “Spiritual Fathers”. I look forward to reading your thoughts on this subject.
I appreciate the comments gentlemen—Tim, thanks for doing this series, I will pass this on to my husband. =) I can tell you guys, that as a woman—and I believe all women, if they’re honest, truly long for their husbands to lead—not in a dictatorship manner, but the way Tim described. To be blunt, I don’t buy the “my wife is a better leader” excuse. These leadership attributes may well be more obvious in your wife, but servant-leadership is a ROLE—it’s a chain-of-command issue, not a qualifications issue. And a family is seriously weakened by a man’s lack of initiation in this.
That said, if your wife is contentious or reacting to your attempt at leadership, she may have a serious trust or fear issue that needs to be worked on; or it may be a simpler sin issue. Feminism is prevalent in the church these days. Either way, you have your work cut out for you. Prayer is crucial.
Bill W., you just described my house. My husband is never aware of when we don’t have enough to make the payments, or when the car payment is two weeks late. Its a huge emotional burden for me, but because I am better with the finances and have more time for it (I’m a stay-at-home mom) its that way.
I would prefer he knows what’s happening, so that when he takes the debit card to Walmart, I don’t have to worry about what he spent. Not only that, but so that I wouldn’t be the one “up at night.”
Thanks for bringing that up, and Tim - thanks for the series. This is helpful, and I am passing it on to my husband.
Tim,I’m a single, dating young man, with my eye on a certain young lady (yes she knows), and I’m looking forward to learning. I look forward to the PDF like you did for Sexual Detox. She’s the one that directed me to this.Mark
Just making sure that you’re going to “bring it!”
I felt like I should come back and say that my husband is one of those that truly desires to lead, he just doesn’t really know how.
Sounds like this is going to be an awesome series, Tim!
I am a single young-woman, but I do have a heart for marriages and families (and want to have a godly vision for my own someday, Lord willing), so I look forward to reading. Thank you!
Tim,I think this series will be good for men and women. Men are called to be the “godly leader,” but sometimes so much focus is on it that it can feel legalistic for men as they always feel like they never measure up. I hope that you will encourage men in this and not just provide another “just do this and everything will be fine” series. I think an addition by your wife to women will be good, just as you did with the Detox series. What does a man do when his wife rejects his leadership or continually questions or undermines the husband’s leadership. These would be good areas for your wife to address.Keep up the good work.
How did you know I was so terrible at leading my wife?
Something I have been aware of for a while, but don’t know where to start or how to do it.
Thanks for the series. Look forward to God using it in my life and others.
Protection and Provision certainly don’t seem like the sole purview of the husband. If the wife perceives a danger and can protect the family, should she not do so? Because it’s “not her job”? Certainly not. If, for various circumstances, the husband is unable to provide in some capacity (financially or otherwise), should the wife simply throw up her hands because its “not her job”?
Now, I suppose you could always say that these responsibilities fall first to the husband, then to the wife as a stopgap. In other words, as long as the husband is capable to provide, the wife is free to chip in some “extra” provision or not. She is not obligated, but neither is she prohibited per se, whereas the husband is obligated (assuming he’s able).
Protection is a little tougher though. I would say neither partner is wise to “opt out” of protecting the family. The wife cannot simply say, “protection is his job, so I needn’t be concerned about X or Y that threatens my or our childrens’ well-being”.
Honestly, “leadership in the home” has always been a conundrum for me. So many people preach on it, but I’ve yet to get a concrete example of how the behavior of a “leading husband” would differ from that of a husband who takes a more egalitarian view of marriage, and yet is still loving, serving, sacrificial, etc.
The FACT is that the LACK of LEADERSHIP in the home coming from men has reached EPIDEMIC levels. Men are NOT stepping up to the plate to assume their responsibilities in the family - and its KILLING our families! Generations of weak men will follow - those who cannot stay the course, provide, protect, remain in the battle by showing up ready day in and day out for their wives and children - men are giving up! This cancer of weakness will continue to overtake our men, and undermine our families, until we come to realize our vital NEED to include GOD in our lives. So, you go, Tim!
I’m amazed at all the examples of women who report having husbands who are lazy, irresponsible, clueless, and failing to pull their weight, followed by some Christian who cries “See! This proves that wives want to be led by their husband!”. Um, I think these women are simply looking for a partner who doesn’t represent another child to take care of.
Tim: “A husband’s unique role consists of three tasks: leadership, protection and provision. In fact, these may be the only unique abilities a man brings to the marriage relationship…”
If there is even one way in which a wife provides leadership to her husband such as by loving, caring, and sacrificing as defined in your article; or provides protection whether physical, emotional, or sexual (as women were encouraged in your wife’s sex series), or provides provision whether financially, physically, or in any other form, then a husband’s “role” is not quite so “unique”.
Thank you Tim for bringing this topic to the fore. May God richly bless your ministry.
#33 wrote: >
Exactly!!!! We *thought* we were marrying a grown man! Many of us wives were sorely disappointed.
Those of you men who are ‘fighting’ this really need to pray about this because it is NOT your wife you are resisting, but God. It is He Who calls you to step up to lead your wife/family.