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Got To's and Get To's
- 09/24/09
- 22
A couple of days ago I sat down with Aileen and a blank piece of paper. On the top of the paper I wrote, “If we were better parents to our children we would…” and then, between the two of us, we began to jot down ideas. We thought of some of the things we would do if we were to be the kind of parents we really want to be—parents who love our children, who value genuine friendships with them and, primarily, who raise them in the fear and admonition of the Lord. And I think we came up with a few ideas that ought to make a real difference.
As we did so, I thought of something I wrote a couple of years ago. It somehow seemed relevant. Here it is…
My children have been behaving a little bit strangely at bedtime in recent days. My son tends to be melancholy in the evenings at the best of times but recently has been getting worried as soon as we tuck him into bed. Two nights ago he was concerned that the Sith were going to attack him (how he even knows who the Sith are is beyond me) and last night he was worried that the Japanese were going to invade Canada (I guess he has been reading about the Second World War). I assured him that the Japanese were not going to invade our country but he replied, “Well, they snuck up on Hawaii without the Americans noticing!” This much is true. His little sister feeds off his worries and almost inevitably ends up creating her own.
It generally happens that, by the time we tuck the children into bed, Aileen and I are ready to be done with them for the day. It may sound harsh, but by the end of a long day, we are more than eager to spend an hour or two by ourselves in the living room before also heading for bed. The last thing we want is a parade of children up and down the stairs and a chorus of cries asking us to come upstairs to mediate one problem or another.
Last night, a good hour after I put my daughter to bed, and as I settled into the couch to spend some time reading, I heard a cry of “Daddy!” I went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she wanted. “Will you come and cuddle me?” she called out. I thought about it for a moment and eventually told her that she should already be asleep and that I was not going to come up and cuddle her. Thankfully she soon drifted off and slept well.
As I thought about it a little bit more I realized that I did not want to cuddle her, at least in part, because I had to. I was looking at it as a “got to” situation: “I’ve got to cuddle her.” And I rebelled. It didn’t take me long to regret my decision. She is going to be with us for so few years and for many of those she will no doubt have no desire to cuddle me. And is it so bad for a six-year old to want a cuddle (or another cuddle) before bed? The more I thought about it, the more this seemed like a “get to” situation: “I get to cuddle her.”
It’s funny the difference made by that one little letter. Throughout my life I’ve struggled with the got to’s and the get to’s. Church can seem like a “got to” obligation, but it is so much sweeter when I face it as if it is a “get to” privilege. My morning devotions can often feel like a “got to” but I enjoy them so much more when I treat them like a “get to.” Rather than having to face the Bible and prayer in the morning, I see them as an enjoyable privilege. It often makes all the difference in a mind as feeble and sinful as mine.
When Abby stumbled down the stairs this morning, squinting through barely-awake eyes, her hair all askew, I grabbed her up in a big hug and settled onto the couch with her for a few minutes of cuddling. It is something I get to do, at least for a few more years. It was my privilege and my pleasure.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (22)
Do you mean “fear” instead of ‘fair’? :)
Oops. And to think I proof-read that paragraph at least three times. It’s weird how that works…
I love this.
Tim, I like you. :0 ) And I am with Christina, I love this.this was excellent and personally very timely. thanks for all you do each day with this blog. I look forward to it each day (no pressure)
Tim,
Lovely, touching story. I loved it too!
Tim,Great post, bro! The Lord just awakened me to something I didn’t realize was a problem. Privilege vs. Duty. How we look at something makes all the difference in the world. Thanks for the reminder!
Thanks for this, Tim. I’ve been dealing with my three-year old’s nightly requests to cuddle and can identify with your feelings of wanting an hour or two to yourself in the evening. This post makes me question my motivations and why I’ve told my son that we need to “get out of the cuddling habit.” Peace.
BTW I can totally relate to this. One of my daughter’s, now 20, wanted me for the longest time, lay down with her every night, she was a young teen, and I was ready to relax. I’m glad I got to do this, it helped us through the teen years. Great post.
Here’s some more motivation to cuddle with your daughter Tim. As you may know, little girls (and big girls like your wife) seek an emotional connection with people and mainly with the man in their life. Your daughter seeks to be emotionally connected to you as the man in her life. She doesn’t just want you to cuddle with her. She would like it if you talk to her, the same way your wife probably likes to talk to you before she goes to sleep. Here’s the motivation. If you, as the man in her life, don’t provide an emotional connection, then she is going to seek it elsewhere. Through boys and later through other men. The important thing to note is that she is going to seek it in just about any man. So, the next time your daughter asks you to cuddle and you feel a selfish resistance (I’m with you brother - me too) I want you to picture a guy. You know the guy. Swaggering, smooth-talking with an ability to see weaknesses in pirls and with one thing on his mind. He is going to run into your teenage daughter someday (it will happen to the all) and how that encounter turns out may depend on her already knowing that her needs are already being met by her daddy. And hopefully all of her needs are being met by her Abba father through Christ Jesus.
I know, it may sound simple, but I think it is true. I have 3 sons and one daughter. When I go into my 7 year old daughter’s room I lay down next to her and I ask her “what do you want to talk about?” After that, all I have to do is listen :)
(Btw, I am a very imperfect father - with God’s help I hope to get some of these things right)
How many of our Christian “duties” are really “get to’s”?
How much of following God’s will is really “get to”?
Great point, Tim. I think that this idea is at the core of our misunderstanding and misapplication of the fourth commandment (as well as many other things). Too often we view the Sabbath as a “got to” and not as a “get to.”
How precious…this gets me excited for motherhood. I’m sure this will be a great reminder for me that I get to do all these things!
Amen… on every point. Our precious children grow so quickly ~ but they still yearn for our “cuddle time” whether it be closeness in conversation or physical closeness ~ no matter what their age. In the same way, to yearn for the closeness that only the Lord can fulfill for us… to look forward to being with Him because he comforts me, gets excited for me, and gently speaks to me… and just sits with me. Sometimes I cry out, just to be reminded that He is there and He cares. Aren’t we all like children in that way?Ah-h..good reminder.
I was just telling my husband the other day how you seem to post on a topic we’ve been discussion recently, or something I have been thinking of. This was perfect timing for me to read. I love it, and can’t wait to read it with my husband when he gets home.
I also enjoyed Jeff’s comment and it makes a lot of sense. I know I was easily wooed at one point by “that guy” and many regrets came from it. I’m thankful for the Lord’s and my husband’s forgiveness. And, I’m thankful for a husband who spends that time with me as his wife, and with his daughters too.
I think you make a really helpful point with the got to / get to distinction. It creates a complete paradigm shift that is very helpful for our minds.
That being said, I don’t really think giving into your daughter’s request for attention an hour after she should be asleep is the best move. Time is limited with her: true. But spend it with her when she should be awake, not while she should be snoozing. In part, that is time that seems to be set aside for you and your wife.
Just my thoughts,mike
This is great! I am linking to you on Saturday.
Mary, mom to many, who also needs this reminder at bedtime
Jeff,
Thanks for making that mention. Big girls love cuddles! I often ask my husband for cuddles….and what a great sight for kids to see, mom and dad cuddling.
WOW. This is the first time I’ve read your blog. A friend sent me the link and said I’d love this. She was right. Two things - I love the way you and your wife were working on writing down what being good parents looks like for you all. I’ve just finished reading Lead Like Jesus by Ken Blanchard and he talked about the importance of having a plan for yourself and your family and defining your values. Your post ties right in beautifully. I also really like what Jeff (#9) said. I’m also reading Parenting with Love and Logic and it talks about the importance of teaching children to think for themselves - to listen to the voice in their head [and God’s voice in their hearts]. If they don’t learn that as children, then as they get older and they stop listening to us as parents, they will listen to someone … the “swaggering, smooth-talking guy with an ability to see weaknesses in girls and with one thing on his mind.”
Blessing to you and yours. I look forward to reading more!! Also, I’m a reader too. If you haven’t already, you may want to check out Spiritual Leadership by Oswald Sanders. It’s an oldie, but excellent!
Tks for a genuine humanly illustration. Sweet!
Really Precious. My daughter is now 4 and she is growing so quickly too
Jugulum — I resonated with your two questions. I don’t know if I understood the tone to them correctly, but they did resonate! ;) I find so often that my duties feel like drudgery. However,I think the correct answer in consideration is “all of it is ‘get to’.” Even the old covenant laws would receive that answer I think, though by grace we trust in Christ for the fulfillment of the Law. If we truly believe God’s perfect and good intent for us, then every law and every duty and every rule is a “get to” because it is for our incomprehensible and overwhelming good because those duties come from a God who loves us better than we can love ourselves. My attitude is often a result of my bad perspective. I think of that lovely old hymn, “O what matchless condescension the eternal God displays, Claiming our supreme attention To his boundles works and ways…”
I followed a link to your post from Mary at Owlhaven.net and I’m so glad I did. Thank you for the reminder that my children are a blessing from God and only mine to have for a little while. Bedtime can certainly be a draining time around here (we have 8 little ones), but tonight I will cherish every hug, kiss and cuddle. Thanks!