It is the conversation every father of daughters anticipates having at one time or another—the conversation with the young man who has expressed interest in securing her hand in marriage and who now seeks dad’s permission. Apart from those few men who have been blessed with many daughters, most of us have just one or two opportunities and, therefore, relatively little experience with this conversation.
Before it was my time to have it, I sought the counsel of friends to consider questions I ought to ask and matters I ought to discuss. And I thought I would share what I learned in case it proves helpful to others as well. Of course not every question will be relevant to every couple, but at least some of them are likely to be. So here are several questions a father may want to consider asking the man who seeks the hand of his daughter.
Questions to Ask
Why do you want to marry my daughter and nobody else?
What makes you think you are ready to be a husband?
Would your parents, pastor, and mentors agree that you are ready to marry?
What have you identified as some of my daughter’s sins and weaknesses? Are you ready to deal with those? How do you expect to help her with them?
As best as you’re able, map out what you foresee for the next five to ten years. What do you expect to do for work? Where do you expect to live?
Briefly, can you tell me how marriage is a picture of the gospel and how the husband is meant to serve as a kind of image of Christ within it?
What is your financial situation and do you believe it is sufficient to support a family?
How do you think my daughter will fit in within your direct and extended family?
What church do you plan to attend and how do you think she will do within it?
Have you begun to read and pray together? How has she responded to your initial spiritual leadership?
What is your plan to keep my daughter involved with her family, especially if you choose to live at a distance?
What is your plan for pre-marriage counseling and who will lead it?
Do you have fun together? And have you found that you are also able to have serious discussions with one another?
What is your plan to stay pure until your wedding day? How will you protect her and respect our family name in that time?
In many situations, it may be most suitable for the father to take a day or two to consider his response and, with his wife, to prayerfully consider it. That said, the answer is sometimes so obvious that there will be no need to wait before granting a blessing (or, conversely, not granting a blessing).
(Do you have questions to add? Feel free to look up this post on Facebook and add your suggestions.)
Requests to Make
Here are some potential requests a father may wish to make of the young man as part of granting permission.
- You will set and maintain strict physical boundaries and initiate a conversation with me, your own father, or your pastor if you transgress them. You will initiate this conversation rather than expecting me to prompt you.
- You will acknowledge that you do not yet have spiritual authority over my daughter, yet will still begin to take some spiritual leadership if you’re not already doing so, dedicating some time to reading Scripture and praying together.
- You will continue to grow in godliness as together we look forward to the day when you will marry my daughter.
