It is inevitable that lives lived in deep intimacy will generate conflict. We wish this weren’t so, but sadly, it is. Therefore, wise couples learn to anticipate conflict and learn to resolve it well. I was recently asked to provide some thoughts on conflict resolution, and thought I’d share what I came up with.
Yet as I have sat with couples and tried to help them work through various issues, it has shocked me to find how many have never learned to settle conflict well. Many set habits and patterns in their early years that become hard to break or overcome. I have met with couples who have only ever tried to resolve conflict by raising their voices, and with others who have only ever tried to resolve it by going silent. I have met with some who have only ever relied on text messaging instead of speaking face to face, and with others who have long since given up and don’t even bother trying anymore. Much of this stems from their first years and their failure to get well grounded in conflict resolution. To that end, here are a few suggestions on resolving conflict well.
First, borrowing from Robert Murray M’Cheyne, follow this pattern: For every one look at your spouse’s sin, take ten at your own. It’s easy enough to become an expert in the way your spouse sins against you, but it’s far more important to become an expert in the ways you sin against your spouse. It concerns me when I see someone who seems adamantly committed to his spouse’s holiness but seemingly not very interested in his own. Your first calling before the Lord is to deal with your own sin so you can put it to death and come alive to righteousness.
Second, invite your spouse to identify your sin. Because of the sheer quantity of the time and intimacy you share, you will inevitably sin against your spouse more than you will sin against anyone else. Not only that, but married life lets your spouse see the kinds of sins that no one else will. Only he or she sees how you sin in the bedroom, for example, or when you’re running late and nobody else is around. What’s more, your spouse sees deeper into your soul than anyone else and, therefore, knows more about you. In a healthy marriage, if you are truly committed to holiness, it only makes sense that you will ask your spouse to speak into your life. It is wise to provide a safe setting to do this where you won’t be a baby or a bully, and won’t sulk or lash out. Set aside some time, tell your spouse that you’d like to hear what sins you are committing, then listen patiently and calmly, without showing anger or being defensive. Having done that, go away, think about it, pray about it, and don’t respond until a day later. This could be a great means of grace in your life.
Third, identify times when you won’t try to resolve conflict. Aileen and I, for example, have a long-established 10 o’clock rule, which means we won’t try to fix anything after 10 p.m. We are well aware that Ephesians 4:26 says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger,” but we have also learned that some issues simply cannot be neatly resolved by bedtime. (Married folk will know that some of the most common conflicts tend to happen between the time you get into bed together and the time you actually fall asleep.) The later the day gets, the more we tend to operate out of emotion rather than reason. And some things seem way worse in the evening when we’re tired than in the morning when we’re fresh. So if we haven’t worked it out by 10, we will call a halt, kiss one another, pray with one another, say something like “I love you and we are going to be all right,” and then go to sleep. Then we can try to work it out at a better time, when we are in a better frame of mind. And honestly, in the light of day, we often realize the situation wasn’t nearly as dire as we thought and that it can be covered by love (1 Peter 4:8).
Fourth, invite others in when necessary. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do in a time of conflict is invite some friends or some elders to sit and listen as you try to navigate an issue together. There’s something about having other people in the room that can be helpful and clarifying, and that’s true even if those other people are simply witnessing your interaction without mediating or attempting to help you solve it. It can keep you from acting out emotionally in ways you might when only your spouse is present. Marriage counseling can accomplish this, but often simply sitting with friends will do just as much. Sin thrives in the dark, so do whatever it takes to get your sin and conflict out into the light—even if that means humbling yourself by inviting others in.
Fifth, don’t keep score. We are all prone to keep a running total of our spouse’s failures and our own successes, but that’s not the way of love. There is greater joy in loving than in being loved, so if there is any competitiveness in marriage, it should only be about outdoing your spouse in showing love and honor (Romans 12:10). You would never want God to keep a running total of your sins measured against your virtues, and you ought to extend that same grace to your spouse.
Finally, become more of an expert in the evidences of grace in the life of your spouse than in the evidences of his or her remaining sin. This requires training yourself to search carefully for the ways the Lord is working within your spouse. Looking for grace in another person is always far more rewarding than looking for sin, and it is far closer to the heart of Christ as well. It will give you many reasons to praise God and to thank him for his work in the life of the one you love the most.
I am convinced that a relationship grows just as much through “Please forgive me” as through “I love you.” Intimacy is fostered through seeking and extending forgiveness as much as through dancing, cuddling, or whatever else speaks your love language. Conflict is inevitable, and wise couples learn how to resolve it well. They learn this as soon as they can and apply it from the day of their wedding until the day death parts them, knowing that it is a key to a healthy and satisfying marriage.
