Some marriages are the stuff of fairytales. Some are not. Some husbands marry wives who respect them, and some wives marry husbands who love them as Christ loves his church. Some do not. The sad fact is that some people marry well and some people marry poorly.
What do I mean by “marry poorly?” This could refer to a couple who fell in love and married hastily, far too quickly to consider whether it was really wise to join these two lives together. In time, they learned that it was probably not. It could refer to a couple who ignored parents or pastors when they expressed deep concerns about their compatibility in matters of worldview, goals, or shared beliefs. Time has proven those concerns valid. It could refer to a person who married another while assuming certain troubling behaviors would change. Yet years later, they have not. In these ways and so many more, people can conclude they may have married someone to whom they were not well-suited.1
Of course, those who marry well and those who marry poorly are equally married in the eyes of God and are responsible before him to make the most of that marriage. Incompatibility or irreconcilable differences may be sufficient grounds for divorce in the eyes of the law, but they are insufficient grounds in the eyes of God. Whether it’s obvious that you and your spouse are joyfully compatible or discouragingly incompatible, God means for you to remain married.2
To those who have had to conclude that they married poorly, I offer my sympathy. I am glad you are admitting what you are admitting, as it can be helpful to simply state this, even if only in your own mind. Of course, the main matter is what you intend to do about it. How will you live within your difficult marriage?
I offer this counsel: Bear patiently with your marriage, and make the best of it you can. Know that even if this coupling may have been unwise, it still happened within the bounds of God’s providence. God made no mistake in allowing it to go forward, and he makes no mistake in insisting you remain within it. Your calling from God is now to glorify him despite this difficulty, to patiently endure, to fulfill your role within the marriage, even if your spouse fails to fulfill his or hers. God’s will is for you to be Christlike in your love, even when your spouse is not. His will for you is that you commit to repenting of the least sin on your part and, to the greatest degree possible, behave righteously in all things. Do your utmost to ensure you are not the cause of the greater trouble and that you labor to make your love genuine and to outdo your spouse in showing honor.
It could be that God chooses to work within your marriage in such a way that it becomes as joyful as you wish it would be. It could be that God chooses to keep it just as difficult as it is today. Either way, God is sovereign and does all things for your good and his glory, even when that is difficult to see or believe. Either way, your marriage is the context in which he calls you to prove your love, your faithfulness, and your godly character.
As you live in this way, know that God honors those who faithfully bear a heavy yoke. Know that God means to encourage, support, and sustain you as you bear it. And know that the grave will annul both the easiest marriage and the hardest, the happiest and the saddest, so that in eternity you will lack nothing you would have experienced if only your marriage had been all you wished it could be. Have confidence that, by God’s grace, you and your spouse will love and appreciate each other far more when marriage is fulfilled than when it remains a mere shadow. I love how old De Witt Talmage expresses this: “Life at the longest is short and for those who have been badly mated in this world, death will give quick and final bill of divorcement written in letters of green grass on quiet graves. And, perhaps, my brother, my sister, perhaps you may appreciate each other better in heaven than you have appreciated each other on earth.”
It is better by far to love and appreciate each other here and now. But if, through no doing of your own, that cannot be the case, then take heart and have hope, for the longest marriage is but momentary and the hardest marriage is but a light affliction when compared to the eternal weight of glory that will be yours when Christ calls you home.
- Footnote added based on initial feedback: I considered this clear, but perhaps it was not. A difficult marriage is different from an abusive marriage. I do not mean to speak of abusive marriages here, but difficult ones. ↩︎
- The Bible does permit one person to accept another’s demand for divorce, but in situations where a marriage is difficult (rather than, say, marked by adultery), it does not permit that person to initiate it. For a helpful consideration of proper grounds for divorce, see Andy Naselli’s journal article What the New Testament Teaches about Divorce and Remarriage. ↩︎
