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Allegations of Retirement – Challies Denies All

This weekend, the blogosphere, or the small corner of it that exists in Oakville, Ontario, was rocked with the allegations that Tim Challies has retired from the blogosphere. It began with an article posted on Saturday by Pastor Shaun in which he announced Challies’ retirement: “In a move nearly as upsetting as the announcement of Al Mohler’s ghost writing team, and nearly as threatening to the future stability of the Christian blogosphere, Tim Challies, web designer and blogger at Challies.com, announced today that he will be ‘closing the book on the blogging chapter of his life.’”

This announcement spurred Rebecca of “Rebecca Writes” fame to begin a “Save Challies” campaign. “Our aim with the ‘Save Challies’ campaign,” said Rebecca,” isn’t just about Tim. It is about keeping Canada as a driving force in the blogosphere. There just aren’t better bloggers than Canada has. Tim will be back, I guarantee it. I imagine it’s just this April weather that’s got him a little down.” When asked how the campaign would spend the money they’ve raised, Rebecca replied, “We’re going to buy Tim a dog. He really needs a dog. That would make everything right.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a source close to Challies revealed that he already has a dog and that one is enough. In fact, one is far more than enough as far as he is concerned. It seems that this dog may be the cause of most of the problems in Tim’s life.

Rumors abound as to why Challies has retired, but Adrian Warnock broke the news of some startling information which Shaun thinks may have played an important role. Challies, it seems, has been accepting bribes. “Larger-than-life Dever admitted to Tim in a rare moment of honesty that he was actually faking T4GB blog posts by his buddies – just as Challies was speaking of revealing the charlatan online, Mahaney came back from the bar and offered him a substantial bribe to keep quiet, which Tim accepted.” Warnock alleges that Challies accepted one thousand U.S. dollars in hush money.

Challies spokesperson Richard Archer, spoke on behalf of his client. “Tim is shocked and dismayed by these malicious rumors. He denies all allegations of improper conduct and the receiving of bribes, though he does admit to an intense dislike of his wife’s dog. ‘No one ever told me before we bought one that dogs make nasty messes all over the yard,’ he said while cleaning the lawn on a Sunday afternoon. We expect that the team of lawyers retained by Challies Dot Com will be serving Shaun, Rebecca and Warnock with lawsuits in the coming days. It is time for some justice–Canadian style!”

Challies, whom a reporter confronted when he was returning home after walking his son to school this morning, declined to comment. “I decline to comment,” he said. When pressed, he merely replied, “Ooo, a squirrel,” and went running after a squirrel, giggling all the while. The squirrel got away.

It turns out that this Challies guy is not going anywhere soon. According to Archer, “He just has too much to say to stop now. And he just does not think he can live without the perks that come with being a blogger. The lifestyle of a blogger; the fast-paced life; the celebrity lifestyle; the brunch, the cheese. It’s what everyone dreams of. Especially the cheese.”


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