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The Burden of Perverse Assumptions
- 11/03/10
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Yesterday I posted a review of Wesley Hill’s book Washed and Waiting, a book that discusses the particular challenges that come to those who are Christian and yet who struggle with same-sex attraction. Much of the discussion that followed centered on whether or not the phrase “gay Christian” is helpful. But I hope that did not detract from the overall point of the book. I consider it a very important book as Christians seek to engage the culture and as we seek to minister well to those around us.
I want to follow up with one more article on homosexuality. Again, I do not intend to speak about the morality of homosexuality because I believe the Bible is absolutely clear on that matter. Instead, today I want to look at one very interesting result, one very interesting development, that has come with the widespread acceptance of homosexuality. I have thought about this a little bit in the past but had my mind drawn to it again while reading Al Mohler's book Desire and Deceit: The Real Cost of the New Sexual Tolerance. In this book Mohler compiles some of his best blog posts and articles dealing with a common theme. In this case he writes about contemporary issues related to sexuality. And while there is much to glean from the book, one issue in particular give me a lot to think about.
I have sometimes wondered if, when The Lord of the Rings was first published, people looked with a certain suspicion upon the relationship of Sam to Frodo and Frodo to Sam. Here are two characters who loved one another deeply and who had a relationship forged in the fire. It is clear that in these characters, Tolkien was describing friendship as he had seen it in soldiers who had fought in the World Wars. He described a kind of intimate friendship that somehow seems so odd to our modern sensibilities. And in modern times many people have read homosexuality into that relationship, wondering if Tolkien, either deliberately or subconsciously, was creating gay characters.
Similarly, I have wondered if, when the men and women of the nineteenth century first learned of Abraham Lincoln's deep friendship with Joshua Speed, they raised their eyebrows. After all, Lincoln and Speed even shared a bed and wrote letters sharing their love and appreciation for one another. Recent historians have offered this relationship as proof that Lincoln was homosexual.
In both cases we're seeing clear evidence of contemporary thinking. Today we think nothing of imposing our own understanding on historical texts, interpreting them as we see fit. We think little of original meaning and much of contemporary interpretation. Thus there are feminist readings of literature, gay readings of literature, African-American readings of literature, and so on. Every group, every interest, is free to read history and literature as they see fit. In an age with few absolutes, who can tell anyone else that they are wrong? And when wondering about Frodo and Sam, when wondering about Lincoln and Speed, I am showing evidence of the pervasiveness of homosexuality in our culture. The fact that I would even wonder such things reveals that the presence of homosexuality is always just beneath the surface in our culture. I am reasonably certain that I can answer my own questions: No! When people read The Lord of the Rings they did not see homosexuality and when they first heard of Lincoln and Speed they did not even question whether they had been having sex in that bed. And here is an interesting part of the fallout of the widespread acceptance of homosexuality. We see homosexuality everywhere around us, whether it exists there or not. Things that are pure and normal we see as somehow being evidence or potential evidence of homosexual behavior.
In and of itself that may not mean too much. But according to Dr. Mohler, who follows the line of thinking from a Touchstone article written by Anthony Esolen, there is at least one sad consequence: it is marking the end of deep and meaningful friendships between boys. Writing about the scene between Sam and Frodo, Mohler writes "As Esolen suggests, a reader or viewer of this scene is likely to jump to a rather perverse conclusion: 'What, are they gay?'" This is an "ignorant but inevitable response" to such a situation. It is simply the way our minds work today. "As Esolen understands, the corruption of language has contributed to this confusion. When words like love, friend, male, female, and partner are transformed in a new sexual context, what was once understood to be pure and undefiled is now subject to sniggering and disrespect." I saw an example of this recently, in reading C.S. Lewis' The Silver Chair with my children. There Lewis writes "Though [Jill's] tongue was never still, you could hardly say she talked: she prattled and giggled. She made love to everyone--the grooms, the porters, the housemaids, the ladies-in-waiting, and the elderly giant lords whose hunting days were past. She submitted to being kissed and pawed about by any number of giantesses, many of whom seemed sorry for her and called her 'a poor little thing'..." "Make love" has obviously been sexualized sometime between 1950's England and 21st century North America. How might people understand Jill's actions today?
Here is where it gets even more interesting and important. Says Esolen "Open homosexuality, loudly and defiantly celebrated, changes the language for everyone. ...If a man throws his arm around another man's waist, it is now a sign--whether he is on the political right or the left, whether he believes in biblical proscriptions of homosexuality or not. ...If a man cradles the head of his weeping friend, the shadow of suspicion must cross your mind." Gone is the innocence that would allow us to see a man love another man without assuming that their relationship involved sex or at least the desire for sex. Men and boys, including Christian men and boys, are suffering the fallout. "The sexual revolution has also nearly killed male friendship as devoted to anything beyond drinking and watching sports. ...The prominence of male homosexuality changes the language for teenage boys. It is absurd and cruel to say that the boy can ignore it. Even if he would, his classmates will not let him. All boys need to prove that they are not failures. They need to prove that they are on the way to becoming men--that they are not going to relapse into the need to be protected by, and therefore identified with, their mothers." And so boys feel that they need to prove to their peers that they are not homosexual. They do so by recklessly pursuing sexual experience with girls and by distancing themselves from meaningful friendships with other boys. Those who fail in both accounts are labeled as "fags" and subjected to the torment that follows. Boys have always had a lot to prove, but added to their burden today is proof of their sexual identify.
The proof that Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speed did not have a homosexual relationship is in the very fact that they unashamedly wrote about their love and regard for one another. In a more innocent age they had nothing to prove and nothing to hide. They were able to be friends--close, loving, intimate friends--without bearing the burden of perverse assumptions. Their heterosexuality, their normalcy, was assumed. We make no such assumption today.
My mother has often remarked that men, and Christian men in particular, go through life lonely--forsaken by other men who should be their friends. And I think she is right. I wonder if we, too, bear the burden of perverse assumptions. Maybe we, too, from our early days feel the need to prove that we are not homosexual. And we do this by fleeing emotional or spiritual intimacy with other men, assuming that such relationships are unworthy of men--real men.
The societal prevalence of homosexuality is not going to lessen anytime soon. While Christians must continue to insist that homosexuality cannot be reconciled with Scripture (and you may like to read Dr. Mohler's book to learn more about why this is the case) we must also not allow it to usurp friendship and to reframe the way we, as Christians, and Christian men, view and understand friendship. We have far too much to lose.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, a husband to Aileen and a father to three young children. I worship and serve as a pastor at 
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Comments (35)
Dare I suggest that such pervasive assumptions also extend to adult / child relationships? It is little wonder there is a dearth of male teachers these days.
Excellent post. And it’s reinforced by these striking photographic examples of an earlier age’s lack of concern that every expression of physical closeness be interpreted sexually: http://museum.icp.org/museum/exhibitions/dear_friends/intro1.html
I was just reading C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves where he wrote about this exact thing, the reading of homosexuality back into literature and history where it never was because we no longer understand intimate friendship. Tim, have you read that excerpt recently?
You’ve stated my own thoughts more eloquently than I would be capable of doing so. Agreed…and agreed! Thank you, Tim!
This is a great post, bringing to light things we need to consider. I have also wondered if these boys that aren’t quite capable of proving their sexual identity to “acceptable” standards and are labeled as gay don’t just succumb to that pressure. Society makes it easier to be gay than to be a social outcast.
I also think that it stems from the sexualization of everything in our culture… every relationship is seen through the lens of sex. It seems as if we cannot see anything without that filter. So 2 men are seen through it. Like you said yesterday, Tim, our sexuality is very integral to who we are, but maybe that is our culture’s interpretation. Biblically, we were made man and woman. It is our gender which is integral to who we are not merely our sexuality.
I agree with this post. I would add, though, that while the overall acceptance of homosexuality in our culture is causing a lot of these things. The fact that men are avoiding intimate friendships to avoid the appearance of homosexuality and the fact that people are constanty trying to find it in literature and so forth, to me, shows that many people intuitively know, deep down, that homosexuality is neither right nor normal.
What truly saddens me is that Christian men SHOULD be impervious to reacting negatively to that perception of “Oh, that’s a little too gay for comfort.” If anything, though, we have fostered it as much or more than the secular world.
I pray that one day we Western Christians would get over worrying incessantly about what the world thinks of us. That we can hate a sin and yet also not fear that we’re going to fall prey to it, as if Christ is not powerful enough to preserve us. Our concern for our image is nothing more than pride and idolatry. It’s time we actually took hold of the grace we say we treasure and start living without fear of public opinion.
Right on about this observation. I remember seeing another post a few years back where the author made comments about old photographs from the late 1800s through the early 1900s. He noticed that when there would be a group photo of guys, who were friends with one another, there would be guys in postures with one another (lending heads on shoulders, arms draped embracingly on each other, hands being held) which raised his eyebrow. Yet, there were to many photos of like to conclude that they were hidden homosexuals. Our sexual drunk culture is effecting men’s interaction with one another.
I believe that the question that needs to be asked now is how Christian men are to respond. Should we adapted to the cultural vision of limited physical interaction with men to keep things as clear as possible? Or should we we push back and allow ourselves to express our affections more freely with our brothers in Christ? Are we limiting the depths of our relationships with our brothers if we keep everything distant with how we show physical affection? And if so, what do we need to do?
Tim,
Great post. I do think that the distance between men has as much to do (or maybe more) with the nature of western society and in particular, the “rugged individualism” of the US. Forget the homosexual questions, according to the norms of this culture it would just be weird and weak to show that level of dependence on and care for another man. Accordingly, boys have no model from which to build their own meaningful relationships with other boys.
I experienced this level of friendship once; I called him my ‘Jonathon’. Interestingly this relationship wasn’t an accountability-type or small-group based (although we met in the young adults group at church), we just hung out a lot and I knew he cared about me and likewise. But to your point, his future wife would mess with him and call him my ‘girlfriend’. This was all in good fun and we laughed about it, but it certainly was evidence of something that crossed her mind.
So what’s the solution? I don’t know, but I do know scripture speaks to it. David had Jonathon. Jesus had John. These two relationships are a Biblical model for modern Christian men to follow. Everybody wants to be counter-cultural right? Well here’s a great way. Pray that God would bring another guy or two into you life who knows the value of these types of friendships and who places a high value on them. A guy or two who is willing to risk vulnerability for the reward of greater intimacy and support. I don’t know that one can manufacture this type of friendship, but the Lord can make it happen.
Thanks again Tim.
I would also say it is part of the backlash against homosexuality (primarily among Christians but also among some conservative non-Christians) that accounts for some of the hinderence of men in real relationship with one another. Using the term ‘gay’ to describe activities that someone thinks are less than manly does not show a real sense of what it means to be a man in the Christian world.
I had men question me working in a nursery. Just because they are insecure around the area of sexuality that they think it is inappropriate that a man change girl’s diapers (after proper background checks, in full view of a half a dozen volunteers, etc.) . The church needs to start by teaching a proper view of friendship. Second a proper positive view of sexuality (not primarily a ‘thou shall not…’ but a ‘this is why God created’ view). Third, they need to lead by example. Too many Christian leaders are solo artists.
15 years ago, I went on a mission trip to Turkey. One of the things I learned while there is that men who are friends express it by holding hands as they walk down the road. Very shocking to see when you come from our culture.
At one point - about two weeks into the trip - I went up onto a hillside to spend some quiet time. The old farmer who owned that hillside came along as I sat, and though neither of us spoke the others language, he indicated that we should head down the hill toward town.
As we walked, that old farmer took my hand in his and held it. Talk about culture shock! But there was a warmth and fellowship expressed in that action that is hard to describe. I think I see-sawed between enjoying that, and trying to get over my embarrassment at such a “gay” expression all the way down to town.
What you’ve written here really helps me put that in perspective. What a shame that my “liberated” culture made it so difficult for me to enjoy that pure, non-sexual expression without muddying it up in my mind.
“Son of thunder” John once leaned on Jesus’ bosom without any thought of impropriety.
Very good words of caution. In reaction, always the tendency to overreaction!
There is a great post on The Art of Manliness blog about this very subject.
http://artofmanliness.com/2008/08/24/the-history-and-nature-of-man-frien…
To be quite frank , I’m sick of the homosexual community trying to justify their sin by reading into literature what is not there. Just last night my wife and I were watching a British Detective show that implied David and Jonathan were gay because of the close bond they had. I also have been very frustrated at the whole Frodo and Sam insinuation . When I read that story as a boy , it never crossed my mind , oh they must be gay.
The radical gay community have been trying to make their sin legitimate for years . But now , normal , heterosexual men are nervous about showing affection , building close bonds because of this. I think its time we took back the word gay and restore it to its rightful usage , happy. I think its time we stop bending over backwards to accommodate the push to make homosexuality “normal” . We need to regain the true intimacy of male friends by showing what true biblical masculinity looks like . It is full of compassion ,tenderness and love but devoid of any sexual content. Homosexuals want to see sex in everything and I’m tired of it. My sexuality as a heterosexual does not totally define me but being “gay” , their sexuality is what defines them .
Great post Tim and a lot of terrific thoughts by others. I praise God that in Christ we really can and often -do- have excellent friendships as men. A number of years ago I was about to get on a plane in Minneapolis to return home after spending some time with friends in another church. A good friend of mine went to the airport to see me off. As we parted I remember thinking, “people are probably going to think that we’re gay because we hug” and immediately said to myself, “I could care less - I will not let the perversion of a good thing ruin the right use of it.” Early Christians were accused of being atheists (because they didn’t worship the plethora of Roman deities), cannibals (because they “ate” Christ’s flesh and drank His “blood”), and incestual (because they “loved” their brothers and sisters). I suppose I’ll have to live with their presumption of my sinful sexual orientation.
It is so crucial as men (and women likewise) to have close, great friendships with other men - lest us silence the foolishness of false accusation (so far as possible) by genuinely loving one another.
I am a Romanian and I grew up in a culture where men had no problem sharing the same bed. I remember the puzzled look on my mother’s face when one morning she found one of our two American male guests on he floor of the living room. The night before they had been safely tucked in bed and she thought one of them might have been a somnambule. They had to delicately inform her that they were a little uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements. My mother understood perfectly their point and she got us boys to fetch a bigger bed!!!
They were gay days indeed!
Tim,
Thank you for saying things that are hard to say and that open you up for attack.
As a boy I grew up in this culture of fear and stereotype battling same-sex attractions and thought the only way to get my needs met was through sexual relationship. It wasn’t until I realized first hand that the very good counterfeit of homosexuality couldn’t meet my God-given needs for intimate friendship that I began to search for the real thing within the Body of Christ—a place that I had run from after years of hearing only condemnation regarding my particular sin struggle. Nonetheless, I found a place of refuge where my sin was dealt with fairly and openly along with everyone elses. It was there that strong, Godly, truly masculine men embraced me as a brother and allowed me to pursue a life of holiness with them. It changed my life and 18 years later that is why I have dedicated my life to helping the Church embrace this very ministry of authentic masculinity and femininity, which includes the essentials of deep, intimate and God-centered same-gender friendships. My wife begs me to spend time with my guy friends on a weekly basis because I am a better husband and father for having that connection.
Again, Tim, excellent. THanks.
Alan ChambersPresident, Exodus International
I remember that passage, Rachel. Lewis hit the nail on the head there. Too bad more people haven’t paid attention to him!
Thanks Tim, for thoughtfully addressing this very relevant topic.
Awesome post Tim!
I see some of these same reservations in my own heart. Though I am very open emotionally and spiritually with my wife and son, I cannot think of one man (friend or family) that I would consider myself having a deep personal emotional bond with.
This is a potentially disastrous issue for the church if we do not restore biblically masculinity; not just to restore biblical sexual morality, but to restore biblical emotional unity and brotherhood.
While your point(s) have validity, there exists a ‘flip-side’ as well. For centuries and even today, the Christian church (liberal to conservative, and other) has been largely ignorant of biblical sexuality and the various forms of divergence. Not until the late 20th century, was the subject of sexuality discussed, studied, or taught within Christian circles. A huge deficient still exists. For decades, homosexuality has existed in clear view, yet few are attuned to identify what is happening right before their eyes. Denial? Or failure to adequately deal with such sin, if admitted?
One individual who has labored to change the status-quo is conservative SDA Prof. Richard Davidson, who in 2007 published FLAME OF YAHWEH: Sexuality in the Old Testament. This magnum opus reveals that the subject of sexuality is extensively woven throughout canonical Scripture. PS. I am a conservative evangelical, not affiliated with the SDA.
I lost a friend of over thirty five years to suicide seven years ago. I cannot watch “The Return of the King” where Sam pleads with Frodo to not let go, without weeping over my friend who did let go. I let him go. I also happen to choke up over Kirk’s reaction to the death of Spock. I will never again have a friend that can ever begin to approach the bond that he and I shared. I still miss him greatly. For the current trend in thinking to turn such soul feeding friendships into a defense of immoral behaviour is testimony to the shallowness of the age and the inability to conceive of friendship that is loving and deep and soul nurturing without being sexual. It is an insult to the kind of friendship we had and will help deny it to multitudes of young men now growing up. What a tragedy.
I find it very hard to build and maintain male friendships for those very reasons. As a young married man and father of two under two, free time is certainly at a premium. Any advice for how busy guys should be building david/jonathan relationships?
Let’s not forget about David and Jonathan:”Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.”1 Samuel 18:3
That one gets twisted regularly by the revisionists.
Gary Inrig’s classic book called “Quality Friendship: The Risks and Rewards” does an outstanding job digging into this topic, and uses the friendship between David and Jonathan as a model.
Great post. I’m saddened by how this has become so ingrained in our culture. I immediately related this to the church Sunday School setting…I remember being simply mortified on one of the very first times I visited my Church with my young sons in the nursery…a very young girl of 3 came over to me to ask for help with her dress buttons which had come undone…I just about died inside as the only male in the room…and as a relatively newcomer thinking about the “optics” of me helping her. I called over one of the women in the room to help her but frankly I was burning with anger after…because I was ashamed that due to the warped messages of “society”, I was unable to simply help an innocent child who looked to me for assistance with something she couldn’t do herself. How warped it was that I turned her away and sent the message that there was something untoward about a parent…who was there to supervise…unable to help. Not because there was anything wrong at all…but because the CONTEXT and worldview had shifted so much towards the assumption of evil that I was terrified of what someone might think.
I don’t know how we fix this. I remember teachers hugging us, putting their arms around our shoulders, pats on the back and genuine human affection. Now it’s changed to “high-5’s”…the only currently acceptable human contact between non-related adults and children. I think we’ve lost something and are actually dehumanizing our society. Combine this thought with the post from earlier about smartphones damaging “real” human relationships and I think we have exhibits A and B of how messed-up we’ve become.
This brings to mind a time 40 years ago or so when I was a young boy. I went to my best friend’s house to stay overnight. We went into his room where there were bunkbeds and he said “top bunk or bottom bunk?” I said “top,” jumped up, and he jumped up after me, leaving the bottom bunk open.
So many times I’ll be talking among non-Christian friends and co-workers and I’ll see them look at each other and snicker only to realize I’d said something perfectly innocent that was twisted in their minds. So it’s not just deep friendships that suffer today — in some places you can’t even hold a simple conversation without someone sexualizing your words.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Tim. Along with Sam and Frodo, a more recent literary male friendship is that of Jack Aubrey and Stephen Maturin in Patrick O’Brian’s monumental series. The two men couldn’t be more different—one a veteran sea captain, the other a landlubberly ship’s surgeon—yet they develop an deep, (clearly) non-sexual friendship that begins in a most unlikely way and continues for 20 volumes.
Why do you think it is that women and girls don’t have quite as hard a time with it? Girls can hold hands, sit on each other’s laps, play with each other’s hair, etc. without always being looked on with suspicion, though the problem does exist for females (I had a close friend who said we couldn’t be friends anymore because I did things that made her think I had homosexual bents. It shocked me because that never even crossed my mind).
“…we must also not allow it to usurp friendship and to reframe the way we, as Christians, and Christian men, view and understand friendship.” Bravo!!!!!! THANK YOU for saying this!!I did not grow up in this (US) culture, nor did I grow up in this generation apparently (being almost 47). I grew up in cultures where male friendships (and female friendships) were common and freely expressed. My boyfriend, on the other-hand, grew up in the US and was very much sexualized by his pre-Christ life. He will often make comments about the potential homosexuality of what to me are nothing more than innocent expressions of friendship between men, or women - be it in real life or in the media. I find his assumption of evil in situations that give no other indication of such to be heartbreaking. I try to gently remind him that to the pure, all things are pure.
I would suggest that homophobia could in fact be one of the factors destroying male friendship. Imagine a world where a heterosexual man and a homosexual man could hug, without there being any connotation of the homosexual man having romantic feelings for the heterosexual man, and onlookers from questioning the heterosexual man’s orientation. This would be possible in a world were heterosexual people understood homosexuals.
Also, I think that many straight men have to face up to the fact that they alone are responsible for the lack of male friendships they have. Straight males are notoriously bad at male friendships. I am a celibate gay Christian like Wesley Hill. And in fact many of my straight Christian male friends have said that I’ve helped them to be better friends to their other straight male friends.
Wow, this is so true. I talked to an old friend from elementary school some years back, and he told me how his girlfriend had become concerned that he was gay because he hadn’t tried to kiss her yet… and this by only their second date!!!!!
I think it perverse that men revile this sin so much and are so conceited that they forgo any hint of a meaningful relationship with other men so that they don’t appear to be homosexual at any level according to some mythic definition of one. If I boil things down, I see bad attitudes and mountains of misinformation about this topic creating a toxic environment for everyone involved.
The quote from “The Silver Chair” reminded me of the first time I read “Gone With the Wind.” I was a teenager and came across a passage early in the book that described how Scarlett “made love” to one of her beaus. My immediate thought was the obvious, based on the culture I lived in. But then I looked at the character of Scarlett and had to disagree, and concluded that “made love” must have meant something different back then.While I was telling my husband about this article, he reminded me of Laurel and Hardy, who always shared a bed, even off-screen. If we could all look at the original intent instead of trying to make it fit in our box, we’d be a lot better off.